Only Chapter One

Thank you for submitting your opening chapter to this forum. I'm sorry that I was away for so long and I hope that you still find the review useful.

Review of "Timmy"

Best wishes,

Bob

Hello, Scifiwizard Retired!

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One " 

Today I'm reading:

BOOK

Timmy  (13+) A boy becomes a legend. #1950538 by Scifiwizard Retired

Set up — is your chapter opening confusing?


Your opening paragraph is intriguing. It tells the reader that there's a secret and hints that it's one some people would kill for. It also lets the reader know that we're in NYC. However, it's a 'telling' paragraph, ie. it doesn't actually zoom into a scene that shows the reader what's happening. For this reason, you might consider merging it with the second paragraph.

Your second paragraph begins by mentioning a 'beautifully decorated building'. When setting an initial scene, it's important to be 'concrete' rather than 'abstract'. Adjectives like 'beautiful' and 'decorated' and nouns like 'building' are really very abstract because they can mean a wide variety of things. It's better if you can use more concrete terms, such as 'a recently restored theatre with an art deco facade'. More concrete narrative enables reader immersion and helps to establish the suspension of disbelief you need.

It's good that you introduce a viewpoint character in the second paragraph, but it becomes confusing when you immediately introduce another two characters within the same paragraph. It makes the learning curve a little too steep for your readers, imho.

Characters — are they well rounded?


The first three characters are introduced in a very 'telling' fashion, their main attributes just listed. Think about how you could 'show' what they're like, instead. Before the interview, Angel is introduced as a 'little girl'. However, during the interview, the answers she gives to the questions don't really sound like a little girl speaking. For example: “What makes this musical so special is that the boys in the cast were all orphans. They were adopted by the stage crew shortly before casting for the musical began.” Think about how old you want her to be and then try to match her register to that of the character you have in mind. "Er…I think, maybe it's 'cause all the boys in the play with me came from a kid's home." "You mean they're orphans?" "Yeah, that's what I mean."

I like Timmy's introduction. He's a very interesting character. Watch out for too many 'was/were' at that point, though. It was a small boy with longish brown hair. He was dirty but not pale; he appeared to be in good health. He was wearing an old style band uniform. It was dark blue pants with a light blue stripe on the side and a blue and white striped shirt. Both were slightly too big for him but fit well enough.

Plot — is it driving the story?


The main conflict is very nicely introduced. The boy hiding in the theatre knows a secret and it might get him killed.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


This is a fast-paced story. You might like to slow it down just a little and add more setting details to better immerse the reader.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Are your characters' voices distinct?


Generally, your narrative is clear and it's easy to work out what's happening. However, sometimes the way you introduce things is very 'telling'. You need to think of ways you can set scenes and show what people are like through their actions and alongside what they're doing rather than simply stating them as a list of facts. Also, try to use stronger verbs where possible rather than 'was/were/appeared' etc.

Notes

“That’s right. “We are hoping for a long run here on Broadway.” Smiling, Angel said. “A tragic -> “That’s right," said Angel, smiling. "We're hoping for a long run here on Broadway.” NEW PARAGRAPH “A tragic … If you want to keep it as is, you don't need the extra " after 'that's right'. Watch out for punctuation. With 'said' you need a comma, not a period, at the end of what's said by Angel. It's generally better to get dialogue tags in as early as possible so that the reader knows who's talking from the start, hence my suggestion you move it to after 'that's right'. When a new person begins speaking, begin a new paragraph to avoid confusion.

I understand that the writers and producers of this musical, John and Brandy Stravis, had also purchased and restored this old theater." -> have also purchased

Angel smiled. “What makes this musical so special -> watch out for having Angel 'smile' too many times.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


NYC is an interesting city with a specific smell and feeling at different times of the year. I didn't feel that you really brought it to life in your story. I mean, what time of year is it? In summer, NYC is hot and the streets stink of 'sweet refuse' but in the winter it's knee knocking cold. You note the time of day when Timmy appears, but it's too late then to tell us that the sun is rising because we've already decided it's afternoon or evening from the earlier scene since we had to guess. Use all five senses to make me feel like I'm there with the characters in this place.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your chapter.


You have an intriguing introduction, a very strong 'protagonist' in Timmy, and an interesting plot. However, I feel that you need to better immerse the reader with more sensory scene setting and showing events as they unfold rather than telling them.

Thank you for sharing your chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob


This was a review from "Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis"