Only Chapter One

Thank you for your submission. Sorry I was away from the site for so long.

Review of "Twenty-Four"

I do hope that you find it useful!

Hello, grey n!

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One " 

Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.

When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.

Set up — is your chapter opening confusing?


When I re-read your chapter, the meaning of twenty-three was clear. However, on first read it meant nothing to me, and so I was forced to trawl through a paragraph of statements that I basically couldn't understand. In retrospect, it's a very clever paragraph. But on first read, it's offputting, I'm afraid. Your opening paragraphs need to hook your reader rather than confuse him.

But the greater problem with the opening is that the first seven long paragraphs are all 'telling' and not 'showing'. I'm not a 'telling' Nazi (sorry, couldn't resist that) who insists that all your story is shown and not told, but it's really difficult to engage and immerse readers in a chapter if all your first seven paragraphs do not set a specific scene and then SHOW the reader what's happening rather than telling them.

Characters — are they well rounded?


You have a series of fantastic characters with depth and personality. You might like to hint more about whether Mum has a job or not and what her interests are, a life beyond the plot, but it's clear what Oskar's and Johann's interests and beliefs are. The only negative thing I'd say about how you introduce Oskar is that you don't introduce his name until about two thirds of the way through the chapter and only use it the once. It's important to get the protagonist's name installed in the reader's head as soon as possible, and you do too little too late about that.

Plot — is it driving the story?


I'm giving you a high score for this because the actual main conflict of a gay boy avoiding being discovered by his Nazi father is really a great conflict. However, your opening hook is really weak due to a difficulty for the reader to comprehend and your end hook is very weak. Your chapter sort of trails off and goes nowhere in particular.

The main issue to me, though, was how much Oskar seems to know about the deaths in the camp etc. He only sees his father rarely, and his father can't write stuff like this in letters and is too distant a person to imagine a conversation about the murders he's committed. How is Oskar supposed to know all the secrets he does know, especially the specific number twenty-three?

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


It's good after the first seven paragraphs, which are slow because it's all telling and nothing is actually happening.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Are your characters' voices distinct?


It's generally clear, but you need to understand the difference between show and tell. In my opinion, you do too much telling.

Notes

And to explain his duties to explain as such to Ingrid, a child, -> this is very confusing and may be a 'copy and paste' error.

But as soon as my father returned, her eyes lost her shine, and her voice lost its melody. -> this is a really well-written thought, but earlier the protagonist stated: "I didn't like that he came at all, but everyone else did." Isn't his mom part of 'everyone else'?

But she kept her head down, nodding smally to herself. -> smally? did you mean mainly?

two pieces of meat four inches wide and six inches long, t -> although the Germans do use 'inches' for some measurements, such as in plumbing fixtures, the metric system has been the official standard for most things since 1872, so a schoolboy measuriing vegetables is much more likely to use centimeters.

The picture of Uncle Sam was my favorite. -> isn't it a huge risk for him to even own something like this, never mind display it openly?

I always hated it when my father was home. -> this is 'telling' something that has already been shown and also 'told' before. It's redundant.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


The setting is really well developed, but look out for issues such as what forms of measurement they use and the plausibility of an Uncle Sam poster on display. If he's so scared that he's got Hitler's pamphlet on his bedside cabinet, why would he risk an Uncle Sam poster on the wall?

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your chapter.


I really like the premise, main plotline, and characters of this story. Focus on how to 'show' your story on revision.

Thank you for sharing your chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob


This was a review from "Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis"