Sunni's Review &Edit - closed

"Invalid Item" 

I have pretty much the same suggestions as I had
with "Wendy's wish"  and "Skyfire Ablaze" , but I
definetly liked this one better than Skyfire Ablaze
(just a personal preference).

1. Control those long sentences:
"Today was the Equinox, and the best day to
escape Emeton's gravity field (change , to a
period)(capital O)our planet was in such a
position of balance in the stars(delete , )
that we could easily escape, using much less
energy and effort (change "then" to "than")
we would on any other day."

"Few had been in our position (change ,
to a period) (delete "as")(Capital D) during
normal times, with three moons(delete , )
and other planets close by, the gravitational
field around our planet was immense
(change , to a period, delete "and" )(insert
"It") took everything a ship had to release itself
of it (insert " , which left little fuel to travel
much further.)"

2. Word and sentence order:
The sentences (except for the first one) in this
paragraph seemed a bit tangled up to me.
Here is the original:
" Our crew was made up of four people, Lerin,
our captain. Jules as we called her, as she always
seemed to have a Jules Vern collection stored on
her datapad, she was our mad scientist, she
would head the flight chambers, and personnel
systems during our flight. She had an uncanny
knowledge of lifeforms and anatomic systems,
anything relating to the body, she would know
about it. She was also the head of the alien life
research, anything to do with lifeforms, beings we
might encounter or our own well being, she would
handle. Our forth crew member Shantira was the
copilot and navigation’s officer, she knew those
charts and stars better than anyone. Anything
relating to position and navigation was her field,
and we had learned early on not to challenge her
knowledge, as she had a photographic memory,
and could spout coordinates of even the most
remotely charted regions of our galaxy as if they
were in her own room."

Reworded version: "Our crew was
made up of four people: Me, Lerin –our captain,
Jules, and Shantira – our co-pilot. Jules – so
called as she always seemed to have a Jules Vern
collection on her datapad – was our mad scientist.
She would head the flight chambers and
personnel systems during our flight. She was
also the head of alien life research – which was
anything to do with lifeforms, beings we might
encounter, or out own well-being. She had an
uncanny knowledge of lifeforms and anatomic
systems. She would know about anything relating
to the body. Shantira was both co-pilot and
navigation's officer. She knew the charts and stars
better than anyone. Her field was anything relating
to position or navigation and we had learned early-
on not to challenge her knowledge – she had a
photographic memory and could spout
coordinates of even the most remotely charted
regions of our galaxy as if they were in her own
room. "

3. Other stuff:

"Lerin and I had grown up together and
(insert "together we") went through both
school and training for this mission."

"Although I have never worn glasses
( change , to – )nor does anyone else any more
( change , to – )during our history
lessons, he ( delete "couldn't help notice",
replace with "noticed") that almost all of the
scientists had worn glasses or spectacles of
some sort (change , to a period, capitalize
A) anyone with the educated (change
"science" to "scientist") type persona, seemed
to (change "had" to "have") worn
glasses."

Well, those were the highlights. Will there be more
entries to this journal? I'd be interested to read
them.
Thanks for your posts! Sunni17