I know that this is a "sample" of your novel, so I can only base my review on what I've read here.

You do have the bones for a very creepy story. Anytime and old Psychiatric hospital is involved, horror stories can be percolated and heighten the senses of fright. Thus it is a good theme.

There are many questions left in the readers mind because we don't know much about this character or any of the others introduced. I think there needs to be some development, at least of the protagonist in this section, so the readers can get an image of her, learn a little about her personality and some of the history that brought her to this place at this time.


Observations:

"I've drove past that sign too many times to count."

"1 of the guards says.
2 men with guns stand in front of the gate
2 more walk over to my car
The 2 men give me a quick pat down."
Write out the numbers, one, two, etc. because they can be distracting in a story, interrupting the flow.

My breath shutters as I approach. [shudders]

I can help but laugh, I'm talking to myself. [can't help]

You should separate each paragraph by skipping a couple spaces. It makes it easier to read in the WDC format.

I think with a little edit paying more attention to the grammar and character development, this will be a chilling tale!

Until next time--write on!

Regards,
WebWitch





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

You responded to this review 10/12/2014 @ 1:11pm EDT

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