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Review #4194565
Viewing a review of:
The Scream  [18+]
No good deed goes unpunished
by W.D.Wilcox
Review of The Scream  
Review by Happyfingers
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi W.D. Wilcox,

I'm reviewing The Scream for

The Simply Positive Group






W.D.,

This is a very hard story to review! To be honest in a respectful manner, I was disappointed. I, too, am a King addict.

It has too many modifiers, is not believable, is not frightening, is wordy, and the conclusion doesn’t work. It contains eight comma errors, and several other errors.

Thoughts while reading your story:

The Introduction

It had been another sleepless night, and since Norman Luft was still used to working the nightshift, he thought that perhaps a midnight stroll would be just the thing. - You might consider a better hook for the first sentence.

The repetition of “night” (4). I’m interested, but not as much as I’d like to be.

his shadow fleeing ahead of him so that every step he took was into a darkness of his own making. – Good.

Norman felt the metronomic beat of his heart as it pounded in his cage of ribs – A bit wordy here. Do you need “metronomic”? – Can “rib cage” suffice instead of in his cage of ribs?

When using the word “felt” – how did it feel? That’s a tricky word, feel. It tends to be telling rather than showing?

I’m starting to lose interest. There are too many adjectives trying to make an impact. Instead, it is losing impact.

he felt colder than ever. Even his scar was cold—the coldest part of him. His skin was ice, but his scar was frozen steel. – there’s very little impact because of the repetition of cold. What did it feel like?

You have some great similes.

They were wet sounding voices that grumbled, hissed and chuckled like water down a pipe. – Great.

I like the description: moonlight began to shine between the torn and ragged clouds, - “moonlight shone between torn and ragged clouds. (more impact) Don’t need began to; it’s wordy.

white tombstones sticking out like teeth and bones from the carcass of the earth. – Good.

as smooth and greasy as the marbling fat in a slab of meat, the faces oozed forward. – Again, good!


SUGGESTIONS? EASY TO FIX

I suggest you ask yourself what the story is really about. It strikes me it should be about a man, after open-heart surgery, and the internal and external challenges he faces. He grapples with these obstacles, and through a chain of events which (maybe) makes him a changed man. Perhaps he wins, overcoming his bad heart, and wreaks havoc on the girl, sending all the faces away. How he does this needs your imagination.

The conclusion is drab and contrived. pale yellow hair and even paler skinned girl, living in a mausoleum, stabs and eats him. End story.

Naw.

OVERALL FEELINGS AND IMPRESSIONS:

I don’t believe the author has given his best efforts to this story. There are some good similes that I might steal. *Smile*



Cheers,



Happyfingers


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