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Review #4747551
Viewing a review of:
 On The Road To The Future  [E]
Tom and Helen are eloping
by KS23
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose - REOPE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
A "Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Just tired Review


Storyline: Tom and Helen are heading to Las Vegas by car to elope. Both feel they are ready to take on this new journey and want to get out from under their parents so they can control their own destinies. They are excited as they talk on the drive, but sudden revelations of how they each see their future together start to conflict.

Spelling/Grammar Issues:
than an apartment for
They two

Think about using other dialog tags instead of relying on on said Tom, or Tom said. For instance, instead of I know,” said Tom. try something like. "I know," Tom said, his voice filled with excitement.

Adding more details with the dialog connects the reader to your characters and gives them a sense of who they are.

Description/emotion: I wondered what the weather was like and what kind of car they were driving in. Are the windows down and the wind whipping Helen's hair if it's hot?

Overall Impression: You have the basics down, try expanding upon it. Your characters clearly know what they want, and although Tom is rethinking things, you need to show your audience. Do either of them have inner thoughts? When Helen begins to realize that Tom's ideas and hers aren't the same, perhaps she wonders if she's making a mistake, or she's disappointed that he's decided they aren't buying a house right away. Just some things to consider.




The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

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