Oh, The People You Can Sue!

“Oh! The People You Can Sue!”

Isn’t it great?
Isn’t it delicious?
To live in a world
that’s become so litigious?

No need to work hard!
Begone with ambition!
Opportunities abound,
too many to mention!

You see, in our culture
here’s what you’ve got:
there’s a Great Big Divide
between Have and Have Not.

And though there are paths
from Have Not to Have
called “Apply Yourself”
and “Stick To The Task”,
these paths require work,
and hard work at that,
and for people like you
that’s just too much to ask.

You want something more.
You want something better.
A way to cash in,
be a slice-of-the-pie-getter

What if I told you
there is such a way?
What would you do?
What would you say?

Lean in closer
and let me explain.



There exists a Dark Place,
you soon will discover,
where victims parade
and pettifoggers hover
to take up the cause
of some poor, distraught brother
who’s ever been offended
by one thing or another

It’s here bad things happen,
and happen they do,
and if you are lucky
they’ll happen to you.

And when these things happen
here’s just what you’ll do:
procure a good lawyer
and go out and sue!

Oh! The people you can sue!

The malpractice doctor.
The dishonest proctor.
The bully who locked you
in your junior-high locker.

The butcher,
the baker,
the hot-coffee-maker,
the prurient-priest youthful-innocence-taker.

The playa’ who loved you.
The employer who snubbed you.
Even the proctologist
who roughly rubber-gloved you.

And let’s not forget
the biggest target yet:
those who beget
the loathsome cigarette.

Now, here’s the key
that unlocks the door
that leads to security
and riches galore...

The following statement
is shocking but true:
you’re not to blame
for the things that you do.
Find out who is
and then, once you do,
procure a good lawyer
and go out and sue.

Oh, the people you can sue!
There’s money to be won!
Though others have earned it,
your turn has begun!

Maybe you’re thinking,
“Is this ethical to do?
To go out and look
for opportunities to sue?”

In these times of doubt
remember The Rule,
“Do unto others
before they do unto you.”

Isn’t it great?
Isn’t it delicious?
To live in a world
that’s become so litigious?