by Serena Blade
What I want out of this.
I decided to go to therapy for certain things that have been triggering me. The point to this is to try to figure them out so that I can control them, thus leaving them in the past. I mean, if it's possible. |
I hope that they do.
I guess that has always been my issue. I just walked away from a lot of things hoping that they would just go away. But I was wrong. They seem to come back whenever something happens in my life that causes a trigger to emerge. And that is not good. Especially if I want to continue to work at the jail, right? I find myself with anxiety. Something I didn't know I had. Until I was a 911 dispatcher. Even my Supervisor told me if I was aware of my issue. I was all over the place. But I thought it was normal. That my behavior was normal. I notice that I tend to start something and then I walk away from it. Even if I am currently in the middle of something. Something catches my attention and I start something else. Never really getting to the bottom of what needs to be done. Is that normal? I’m sure to some extent it is but not always. In fact, even now, as I am writing this, I am all over the place. I have so many thoughts I don’t know where to begin. It kind of feels as though I have to write it all down, even things that make no sense, in order to get to the bottom of whatever issues I have. So, what is it that I want from therapy? Besides helping me understand these triggers, I am also trying to understand my anxiety. Where does it come from? How long have I had it? Have I always had it and I just ignored it or thought it was just something I was used to? I wonder what else I have ignored. No one is perfect, I know that. But if there are things I can understand I can control. I don’t have ways of controlling every aspect of my life. No, that is something I don't wish to do. I know that in the past I tried to control the things around me by just blocking them out of my mind or simply walking away. But that is not the way to do it. I know a lot about myself and love myself for the things that I have already accomplished in my life. But there are other things that I know I have ignored for far too long and now they wish to come out and demand my attention. I guess I've known this for a long time. I just didn’t want to do anything about it because I simply just wanted things to go away. And honestly, I always thought that by reaching out and asking for help, was a sign of weakness. Then there was that thought that therapy never worked for anyone. People that did seek therapy… I guess it was a sign of weakness. (I already said that, didn’t I?) And it’s not. I’m beginning to understand that it's a way to find answers, answers that are difficult for the mind to find. I hope I am making sense. But what I am getting at is that I am not alone. So many have issues like myself. Only difference is that I was weak to seek out assistance while others reached out. I guess in a way I was weak. Too weak to realize that I needed help. And so my journey begins.
The first thing is what do I want out of therapy?
To find out what triggers I have and which are still hidden.
My goal is to understand them and start to release whatever stress, depression or anxiety I have. Which I feel is holding me back to my full potential.
Why do I feel unworthy of love?
I feel as though it belongs to the lucky ones. The one with the purest hearts. Maybe mine is dark and I don’t even know it. And for that reason I release an aura that makes people go away. I am a good person when it comes to being a friend, aunt, listener and maybe even a lover. But never someone that anyone wants to be with. Do I show people the impossible walls I’ve built. Walls that I ‘ve built so long ago. That I’ve just built and built that, now, I don’t even know how many I've built, and for how long. But worse, I don't know where they are and if I know how to put them down. I’ve grown so much in my journey, or have I? Or did I simply just walk away halfway through my healing process?
Am I still depressed?
Even though I fear death, ( Or at least, how I’m going to die) why do I freeze up when scary things happen to me? Why don’t I fight back, almost like I am accepting my fate. Part of me feels that maybe I don’t deserve certain things in my life. Even though I fought for them. Intuitive I wonder what people will feel if I was gone. What is up with that? I never seeked attention. But deep down I still wonder.
I guess that is it for now. I am sure more things will arise. I am sure of it because once I start opening doors other things will come to light. Oh, boy, what am I doing? I guess I am going to find out, aren’t I? I am a little scared and excited, all at the same time. But here we go!
| This is just food for thought. Something that will help me move forward. My thoughts are everywhere. But in order to see the end of this road, I gotta walk it and express all that I feel. so here I go....
At this point in time I would rather sleep and let time pass me by. Maybe when I wake up, things will be different and I will be okay.
I don't feel motivated tonight. I don't want to be here and work. When I am here I think of you. I know I cannot allow for this to take over me. But I cannot help it. It's how I feel. In time, I know it will get better. I am getting ready for the battle I will fight within myself. When I know you will allow me to walk away because you never really cared enough to hold on to me. You will allow your past to hold you back. And for that reason, as I am fighting to exhume you out of my heart, you will act as if nothing has happened and move forward. It hurts to know this. To see the memories I created with you. To know that I allowed myself to open up and express my love to you. Nothing is ever enough for those that truly are not meant to be. If the time comes and you ask why I walked away I will express myself to you one more time and tell you that I cannot be with someone that refuses to open their heart to anyone. I tried and I failed. I guess time will heal it all but Goddamnit, I hate this. I never get it right. I am always told that I am strong to walk away... One of the many great aspects, one that I am very proud of. But I am so tired. My soul hurts. I have no peace because I opened up my heart. Maybe I shouldn't have. I don't regret it and for that I must now get ready to fight and remove the "what if's" and understand that what was not meant for me, must go for good.
|I find it funny how a person can have so much hate. And then try to spoon feed it to someone that had nothing to do with that person’s hatred. My job has very interesting people. That is all I can say. People come in here with a goal of hurting someone all because they have so much hatred inside their soul. I don’t even know if it is valid or not. But I refuse to be anyone’s punching bag. I did nothing to hurt you or cause any of the past actions that came forth. I am here to work and do what I must do, whether it’s something you agree. But you do not have the right to insult me, nor threatened me. Find your peace and leave me the hell alone. Oh, so help me Universe, you will find a confrontation. And it might not be something you want.
|Yesterday, I did something interesting. I was a witness to Sean and Amber’s wedding, here at the jail. I signed my “name” as Bjork Evans. It was cute. But I don’t know why anyone would get married to someone that will be transferred to prison. I guess for the benefits. We all got to do what we got to do to survive. I am trying to make it somehow in this world. There I go, going off topic. Anyhow, that is all I wanted to say. Nothing more and this is nothing about therapy but it was an interesting experience that I hope to do more in the future.
|They say getting rid of the Ex is a hard thing to do. Why is that? I don’t know. It was easy for me. All I had to do was hang up on the jerk and it was over. See, he lived in Mexico and was an illegal. He could not cross over to bother me. It was so easy to just hang up on him and never think of him again. The relief I felt that day. It was beautiful…
Well, the easy part was to leave him in the past physically but mentally, now that is a whole different ball park. This might be all over the place because he also plays a huge role in my life. He was the first guy I actually gave a chance to be mine. The first guy I actually called my boyfriend and then later my fiance. When I first met him, he lived with my mother and the Beast. You see, he was the beast’s nephew. Big red flag, right? Why would I go out with a guy that had the same blood as the man that swore to destroy me. But I could not blame him for that, right? In fact, this guy was sweet and shy. He could not look me in the eyes when we first met. He just said “hello.” and then walk away from me. He had just arrived from Mexico and was living with my “parents.” I never had any intention to be with him. Especially since he was only here to work and then one day go back home. But sure enough he asked me out. And, at first, I avoided the whole situation because I did not want to be with someone who would eventually leave.
I forgot to mention his name. Let’s call him Munch. He was nice, at first. Really seemed to like me. In fact, on our first date, we went to the club inside the Casino. He was buying me one drink after the other, which was a midori sour. He later told me that he did not buy girls any fancy drink. Only beer. And since I was special, he wanted to show me that he could… I guess, afford me? Weird, right. I believed it at the time and thought the jester was strange but sweet. Of course the beast was not happy to hear that his nephew was interested in me. In fact, the beast was always in our business. Spreading lies and even telling Munch not to take me seriously. And if he only wanted a quick lay, I was there to be spread wide open. The beast hated me for so many reasons I have yet to expose. The point is that we broke up because of whatever the beast had put in his head. I had walked away but soon after Munch came back. But he came back with different intentions. Something that I would soon see for myself. This person that came back was not the same person I liked. He was now a miniBeast. This man had broken me, but at the same time, he helped me realize the best in me. I know that might sound weird. I am sure I will speak of him throughout this journey. The reason why I brought him up is because when I think of him and how it all ended, I realize that he was someone I just put it on the back burner and never really dealt with. There was so much trauma that when it was “over” I did not bother to try to fix whatever damage it caused me. All I know, for now, is that he was my first boyfriend that I thought I was in love with. Later to realize that it was lust. And that he was only introduced to my mom because Munch was a default. ( I never had the opportunity to introduce a guy (that really came from me) to my mom.) Munch was already there, a convenience, just like I was to him. Hmm, now that I am writing this down I start to realize that there are always signs when something is not meant to be. (Like when I dated a guy named Ricky. There were several times that we were in the middle of…um… being intimate, and the song from Korn: Freak on a leash, would be playing. There is a part that says: “You and I aren’t meant to be. A cheap F*ck for me to lay…” Which I was in the end. Another sign I did not pay attention to until years later.) I guess it's true when they say once you truly open your eyes you start to see things that were always there, right in front of you.
|I think I know why I like my dishes to match. Never really thought about it till now. As the triggers continue to show its face, it also shows me that I have been crying for help for quite some time. Then again, I do remember a time in my life. I think it was in the early 2000s. I lived in Bloomington, California. I remember driving. ( I love to drive around and listen to music. It helps me think or maybe unwind.) I knew there was something wrong with me. I felt so out of place. I didn’t have any emotions. Like, I was numb. I didn’t know how to feel or react to certain situations. That caused people to think I was this cold blooded b*tch. To this day, I can sometimes feel numb and tell myself that I should be feeling something.
Anyhow, I was driving along the road - I forgot which street it was - but I remember thinking that I should drive to the hospital and check myself in. I knew I had to fix something in me, in order to be “normal”. Here's the thing, at the time, I really did not know what I wanted to get help for. I felt numb and so out of place. Like I needed to be somewhere else, but where? I don’t know.
I never did go to the hospital that day because I told myself I was being silly.
So, about the beast. He had this issue with his attitude. He did not know how to have a conversation without screaming. That was all he did. In fact, I could tell when my mom was dreading to speak with him because she knew that if it was something that did not please him, it would cause an explosion. The funny thing is that it didn’t have to be a conversation. If something was not at his leisure, he would flip out. I remember there was a time where my mom had made food, tacos, so good, and he came home angry or irritated about something. I could feel the tension in the air, the silence, as she brought him his food and put the plate on the table. I remember that she had walked away and went to her room. I don’t know why I was following her to her room, or maybe I was going into my room. Our rooms were across from each other and the bathroom was in the middle of both rooms. I remember hearing shoveling and then, boom! The dish flew across the hallway and the plate crashed and broke into pieces on the bathroom door! Taco shells, meat and lettuce falling to the ground. He then continued to throw other things. After he was done with his stupid tantrum, he went into the room with my mom, slammed the door and that is when the shouting began. I was in shock and shaking all at the same time. Later I thought: “That was the last dish that matched with the original dish set.” We never had any dishes that matched. Maybe I am overreacting because I am sure that was not the only reason why we never had matching plates. We were also rather broke. But the beast had done this several times. I don’t know if what my mom told me later was true or if it was just a joke, in order to calm the situation. But she had told me the reason why he was upset was because there was not enough filling in the tacos and he was starving. Really? All that drama? Talk about telling your wife that you are not interested in eating her food. There are other ways, you ass!
Now, as I am older, I try to have a unified kitchen, dishes matching, as well as the silverware. Maybe it’s not a big deal but for some odd reason, this stuck to me. I think the other reason why I keep looking over my shoulder- when confrontations occur- is because the beast was truly unpredictable.
The other thing I remember was being in my room with the door open and they were having a heated argument. Their bedroom door was also open. I remember just sitting at the edge of my bed, waiting. Just waiting to see what was going to happen next. Then I hear my mom cry out for help. By the sound of her constrictive voice, I knew the beast had his hands around her throat. I remember running down the hallway, searching for the phone. I felt him coming right behind me. He was trying to stop me. I could feel his presence close to me, almost reaching towards me, to grab me. I think he was able to take the phone away from me ( things were going so fast that I miss some memory) and tore it off the wall. The good thing was that the beast feared the law because he was an illegal immigrant. (Until they got married. Sheesh!) The fight was over after that. Later on that night I was in my room and my mom came in with tears in her eyes. With bitterness in her voice she says to me: “Thanks for nothing! He could have killed me and you did nothing!”
I was in shock and hurt and stood quiet. Did she not see that I tried to help? I had a beast behind me and I tried to reach for the phone. I really did but he got to it and tore it off the wall. And somehow I did nothing to prevent him from hurting her? What was I supposed to do? I was there but I guess I was not strong enough. I don’t know. That man had done so much damage to my mom that when we talk about it to this day, she has blocked so many things. Why couldn’t I? Gosh, this hurts just rethinking this. Opening a door that I wanted to forget. It is so much easier when it is left in the dark. But I know that I must talk about it if I want to fix these triggers that keep arising. I want to feel strong and be in control of my emotions. So that I wont feel so weak or scared to open myself to a man that could potentially be good for me. But because I don’t trust or feel as though they will eventually hurt me, I push them away. What a way to live right?
So much to unravel and it sickens me to think that I will need to walk down this path in order to come out clean. That’s it for now. I can’t stand another thought for the day.
I work for the Pima County Jail in Tucson Arizona and I like my job. I can see myself grow. Right now, I currently work at the front desk, helping out with the lawyers and the civilians, getting their visitations all set, as well as answering questions and all that wonderful jazz. This job can cause you to see things in a way that can cause sadness, depression and even anger. But most of all frustration. The reason why I brought up my job is because this is the thing that has caused me to see certain triggers that I thought I had bypassed.
I was wrong.
The first thing I’ve noticed is when people start to scream and shout. Start to cause confrontations, it makes my blood turn ice cold. I lose sight of what I am doing and even after the situation has calmed down. I am always looking over my shoulder, almost as if I am waiting for someone to come out of nowhere and attack me. I believe these things happen to me because of what I grew up seeing. I had a very violent step father, mentally and emotionally. He would scream from the bottom of his core and would cause my blood to run cold. He was someone that was unpredictable. Especially when he was angry. One thing is for sure, is that when he had an idea in his mind, there was nothing you could do to make him change his mind. So if he thought I was lying for some odd reason, even when I was not, I was a liar. The man hated me and did everything in his power to exhume me out of my family’s life. I am sure that in time he will be brought up numerous times.
The only thing I can think about as to why I feel as though I have to look over my shoulders is because there were certain times that my step father hurt my mom in front of me, which caused me to be in shock. I remember this one time I woke up from the sounds of his screams. He wanted my mom to come back into the room. I was sleeping in an extra room that was next to the kitchen. My mom was in the kitchen, trying to iron his clothes. I could see that she was trying to ignore him or was trying to avoid the beast from within the bedroom. I remember opening my eyes and was ready to ask my mom what was going on, when out of nowhere the beast comes from behind her and drags her by her hair into the room. What a way to wake up, right? Then the screams begin. Sadly to say, as long as there was sound I was okay? If there was silence… then that would cause alarm. I wouldn’t know what he was doing to her. Later my mom would come out with red eyes and a mark on her face. The beast had struck again. I just never understood why mom would tolerate such a thing. I guess that is another story to tell at another time. I am sure you will notice that this rabbit hole goes deep, deep enough that it has caused more damage than what I wanted to believe.
But I have grown tired all of a sudden. That is enough for today.