|My other blog wasn't working so I deleted it and decided to start over.|
|Oh no!!! The dolly is going to fall out of the truck. I better grab it before it does."
Owwww, dang it!
"DUDE!!!! Are you ok?"
Yea, I think so. Except maybe for my pride. I can't believe I fell out of my truck.
"Are you sure you're ok?"
Yea, but I'm probably going to be sore tomorrow."
"Ok, as long as you're sure. I hope the rest of your day goes better."
"What do you mean you heard a pop just before you fell out of your truck?!"
"Relax, mom. It's not that bad. I was even able to deliver the last four packages on my route."
"Oh my word. Seriously? Ok, just stay right there. I'm coming to get you and I'm taking you to the ER to have a doctor examine your foot."
"I'll need to take x-rays, ok?"
"Of course Doc. I would be upset if you didn't."
"Well, I've looked at the x-rays and you've broken your little toe at the joint. I'm giving you a walking boot, but I want you to stay off that foot as much as possible. And definitely no driving for at least six weeks"
"Oh man! Ok, fine. Thanks doc."
|My heart broke while reading the stories people wrote on the "Depression, Anxiety and More" forum. So I wanted to share another experience I had in the hopes that it might help some.
There were quite a few things that happened to me when I was little that I didn't remember, until I was in my 30's. And then, when I did remember, it added to the things that happen to me while in the Air Force, I tried to play it off like it wasn't a big deal.
In 1991, I was taking a communications class in college and we were discussing how to deal with anger. That's when it all came crashing back and I started to crying. My professor became concerned and ask me to step out of the classroom with her. She asked me what was wrong and I told her everything that I had just remembered. She gave me a big hug and told me that I was safe now and that I could talk to her about it anytime I needed to. She also told me that I needed to tell my therapist everything I had told her. She helped me a lot and I love her for it.
When I told my therapist what I remembered, I said "It's no big deal, right?" He said "Well, if you think that being molested nine times and raped twice isn't a big deal, then maybe it's not. But to me it is a very big deal". It really surprised me when he said that and I started crying, again. He asked me if I would be willing to come see him once a week for awhile. So I did for few months. Then it was every two week and then once a month until he felt that I no longer need to come to him.
During one of my sessions he said he wanted to try going through a couple of scenarios with me. He had me close my eyes and relax. Then he said "Ok, first scenario: "Picture yourself waking down the street in a really nice, safe neighborhood. As you're walking you see a little girl sitting on the grass a little ways off. As you finally get close to her, you see that she's crying. You sit down next to her and ask her what's wrong. She tries to tell you, but she's crying so hard she can't get the words out. You pick her up and put her on you lap and while hugging her and wiping away her tears, you gently tell her that everything will be all right. You stay with her until she stops crying and is ready to on with her day."
"That's the end of the first scenario. How did that make you feel?" "That's sounds exactly like something I would do." "That's what I expected you to say." he said. "Ok, second scenario. Ready? Close your eyes and relax."
" You're walking down the same street, in the same neighborhood and see the same little girl. Only this time when you get close to her you slap her in the face and push her over and yell 'Stop crying you little brat!'
My eyes popped open and I angrily said "I would never do that!!" I was so upset that he would even suggest that!
He looked at me and gently said, "Sandy you do that to yourself everyday. Every time you say that what happened to you as your fault, you're punishing the little girl that's still inside you and the adult she has become. You need to stop doing that."
"How?", I asked, fighting back tears.
By letting yourself believe me when I tell you that none of was your fault. NONE OF IT What those people did to you is on them, not you. That's how you begin to forgive yourself and them. It may take a little while, but I know you can do it, and then you'll be able to heal the hurt."
He was right. It did take awhile and I was able to get rid of most of the hurt and anger. I still have triggers, but not as often as I used to. I will be grateful for his help.
|Here in Salt Lake City, UT, there's been thunder storms and strong winds, for the past 2-3 weeks. Every afternoon it's been gloomy outside. I lived here since 1988 and I don't remember it ever being like this. It's starting to annoy me a little. I've had to go back to getting my steps in at the gym on a treadmill. BORING!!! I'd much rather walk outside, but I never know when the storms are going to hit.
On a positive note, the drought won't be as bad this summer.
| I had this dream in 1973, before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. But looking back, I'm thinking my disorder might have had something to do with how weird it was.
I'm with a small group of people in a wooded area with lots of trees and a river that flows into a swampy pond. We're walking on a dirt path that follows the river. Nobody is talking which I find a little strange. As we near the pond, a small gnome like creature jumps out a bushy area and tells us that we are trespassing and are now going to be cursed. He took out a old looking, wooden stick and pointed it at us, uttering words that I couldn't understand. All of a sudden our bodies were turned into blobs of paint that looked like the dried paint on a painters palate. All lumpy and mixed with red, blue, yellow, purple and green colors.
I was horrified. To me that was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Suddenly the scene changed again and myself and the other blobs of paint were on horses trying to find the creature, beg him to forgive us and give us our bodies back (how we were able to ride horses, is beyond me). We couldn't find him anywhere.
We road to the end of the woods and into a large field. Across the field there was another wooded area. I thought I saw the creature peeking out from behind one of the trees. I raced toward him, still on a horse. But the field kept getting bigger and bigger. As I started to panic, I looked down and saw that my hands were gradually coming back. By the time I finally reached the other side of the field, my entire body was back and so was everyone else's.
That's when I woke up. I told my mother about my dream and she said that although my dream took things to the extreme, she felt that the blobs of paint represented the haircut I got the day before, which I hated. And that my body returning represented the fact that my hair would eventually grow back.
I thought that was a reasonable explanation. It definitely was better than thinking I was simply crazy!
In 1981. I told a psychiatrist this dream and he told me he wanted to see me once a week for at least two months. So much for not feeling crazy...LOL
| For the last few days I've been watching shows that are about what happens in emergency rooms in England, Australia and New York. Most of the time the episodes are really interesting. Other times they're really sad. Sometimes to the point of making me cry.
A lot of the patients are elderly, which remind me that I'm not getting any younger.
The episodes involving children are hard to watch. Fortunately, most of those episodes have a happy ending. But some don't and those are the ones that make me cry the most.
The shows have made me realize that I could never work in an emergency room. I'd end up becoming an emotional wreck. I admire and respect good doctors and nurses a lot more than I used to.
| I can't believe how cloudy, windy and rainy it's been here. I love a good thunder storm, when after it's over, the sun comes out. But lately it's just rainy and gloomy. It's really starting to affect my mood. I'm feeling lazy and absentminded.
Today I took my medications in the morning, then placed my weekly pill box on the counter in the kitchen so I would remember to fill it back up for next week. Then around 2:30 I went back into the kitchen and for some reason I thought that I had forgotten to take them. After I took them again I realized that I had double dosed myself. I'm sure I'll be fine but it's still really annoying. I'm not blaming the weather for my mistake, but it's not helping either.
The fact that I'm 66 years old had more to do with the mistake than anything else. I guess the "Brain Training" I'm doing everyday on Lumosity isn't working...LOL
|I got a call from a self publishing agent who was interested in my book. Unfortunately, it would require an upfront cost of at least $5,000.00. He said I could make payments but I really can't afford it. Hopefully I can find a non self publishing company. Hopefully they still exist.
| I had an Author review my book, Vincent the Blue-eyed Dragon, and he tore it apart. He didn't like the title, he didn't like the dragon's name, the fact that he had blue eyes and he didn't like my using the word mayest. He also said that everything was too rushed.
The reason the dragon's name is Vincent is because my cat Vincent died just before I wrote the story. It was my way of honoring him. I gave the dragon blue eyes simply because I like that color.
Oh well. I probably won't be able to get it published, but that's ok. I enjoyed writing it.
| I've struggled with my weight for most of my life. In fact it was 2 lbs. that got me discharged from the Air Force in 1986. I just couldn't lose those stupid pounds. I found out that the reason was because of the medication I was on for bipolar disorder. It worked out for me because it made me a service connected disabled veteran (they pay me to be crazy...LOL). I've lost weight and gained it back so many times. In 2018, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes which was a serious wake up call. I lost 100 lbs. and kept it off until Covid hit. By April 2022, I had gained it all back. On 04/27/2022, I decided to try again. I changed most of my eating habits. I refuse to give up potato chips. I just don't eat as much as I used to. I eat a lot more vegetables, fish and fruit. I also started walking 10,000 to 20,000 step a day. At first walking that much was difficult but now it's much easier. So far, I've lost 87 lbs. which has helped me get my A1C from 6.8 to 5.3. My doctor is very pleased and so am I. I slacked a little on how many steps I walk recently, but I'm back on track now. I'm not going to allow my self to gain any weight back.