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Blog started in Jan 2005: 1st entries for Write in Every Genre. Then the REAL ME begins |
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It Hurts When I Stop Talking Sometime in Fall of 1998, when a visit from Dad was infrequent, and primarily at the mercy of his 88 Toyota making the 50 mile journey, I was being treated to lunch. The restaurant was my choice, I think. Sisley Italian Kitchen at the Town Center mall was somewhere my dad had not yet tried, so that was my pick. Either I was being treated to the luxury of lunch and adult conversation without my husband and 5 year old son in tow, or that's just how the moment has lodged in my memory. The more I think about it, they probably were there, but enjoying the Italian food too much to bother interrupting. Daddy and his lady friend at the time, Anne, came up together and made a day of it with me and the family. We were eating together and talking about some of my scripts, stories, coverages, poems and other creative attempts that really were not seeing the light of day. I think I'd just finished a group reading of The Artist's Way and was in a terribly frenetic mood over my writing. I think I'd just given them an entire rundown on a speculative Star Trek script. My Dad asked me point blank, “Why don’t you write it?? Anne agreed. It sure sounded like I wanted to write it. Why wasn't I writing seriously? It's what I'd set out to do when earning my college degree in Broadcasting many years earlier. Heck, I should, I agreed non-verbally. “I will.” But, I didn’t. Blogs can be wild, unpredictable storehouses of moments, tangents, creative dervishes, if you will. I'm getting a firmer handle on my creative cycle. My mental compost heap (which is a catch phrase from Natalie Goldman or Julia Cameron - I can't think which, right now) finally seems to be allowing a fairly regular seepage of by-products. That may be a gross analogy, but I give myself credit to categorize my work in raw terms. It proves that I'm not so much the procrastinating perfectionist that I once was. Still, I always seem to need prompts and motivation. Being a self-starter is the next step. My attempt to keep up in the Write in Every Genre Contest at the beginning of the year seemed like a perfect point to launch the blog. |
| Christmas Day without the human element -- one might think would be a lesson in nothing special happens on a day where no person is involved. However, some mornings, when i have allowed myself the time and space to wake totally naturally and with maybe only an activity a little more than an hour away (just enough anticipation to keep moving toward a something), my true self gets to be outside the humanness and experience some cosmic truth in the stillness and quiet of the morning. This woman indulging in a morning shower begins to feel as the parched earth feels when desert showers pour down. Any water needed deep in will have to pool for a while, and any resulting mud may cause long-stuck deposits to finally be pushed in directions they have been previously unable to move willfully. Because it is Christmas morning, a sliver of a carol drifts into consciousness, and having been on a strict diet, limiting Christmas carol intake, at first the line feels meaningless. Due to hearing a sermon four days earlier, specifically examining all allegorical elements of the early drama in the Christ child's birth, an idea connects with this line. if the Virgin and the christ child represent a new idea, an unthought-of idea finally being given its moment of illumination in the physical world, then it is quickly in danger of being denied, or even squashed out of existence by the status quo, the law, or the Roman ruler Herod, who represents the current reigning thought one holds too. So, call me crazy, but I was enjoying a Christmas carol by realizing its bookmark utility for this moment. It had long infiltrated my brain by being around every year of my life in Christmas tradition, but now, it was drawing my attention to its own absurdity. I'd been analyzing music a lot this year, having become less impressed with what songs say accurately, and instead realizing the artistry is in how words are cobbled together to make the right sound to catch in our brains. A story, perhaps every heroic story is a teaching tool, perhaps playing to the lowest common denominator. We learn from drama, not always seeing the Truth otherwise. I have grown just a little today by realizing that our creative attempts to explain the spiritual are necessary until we can believe without the use of human or demi-human heroes substituting for ideas. Yes, the reason for the season is Christ, but that does not mean it is all about a person named Jesus, savior born as a babe to a virgin mother, which we are told to cherish. This Christmas story explains so much more. Are we always to be taught with the same story, is there a way more can awaken and see? Holy, holy holy is the day faith and understanding are joined. |
| A contemplative moment this morning: trying to remember the order of chakra colors from the seat to the crown since my lower back was feeling shut down -- rainbow, I knew, but which direction? I decided Indigo must be at the crown, or why label the resoundingly intuitive, indigo children? But I had just helped my own child complete an art project which had a rainbow background much like the rainbow flag, and in that I knew that the top color was red. So why, in our upright position would the chakra order be the opposite? A rainbow in the sky really is just light refracting through raindroplets, so should I be surprised that that symbol of hope is just a reflection of our own energy? --Talk about a frown turned upside down. This is just my thought process.... |
| Sting came out with a new album, which presents the fruits of his having created a theatrical production called The Last Ship. There are several songs that I really like. I heard a depth to the message in one, while commuting home last night. Not The Same Moon has woven into its lyrics the ideas of perspective and dimension, relationship and connection. When the movie, Interstellar came out, and I saw it for the first time, there were those very same ideas being revealed in startling ways, but which were just there to tie up the drama of the storyline. And yes, this does relate to marriage, although more on that in a bit. I also really enjoyed a conversation in the car this week, and it was a conversation with a teen -- my own offspring -- yes, I actually enjoyed it. The topic was personal, but talking in general terms about belief, and it showed me that a depth does exist to the thinking taking place in that teen brain. A wonderful moment existed for me in viewing a person and a personality that I can admire. That mind is new, but resilient; independent but questioning. And those are very good things. And I do not need to worry so much about these expressions about life, the universe, and everything BEING RIGHT. They start as questions and even venture into opinion, they are expressions; It is so unfolding to be able to talk with others, we all should encourage more and more expression and listening. Out loud -- not texting, preferably. Which all led me to an insight about marriage -- one of those: Oh yeah, that's how i feel...wonder if anyone else thinks so moments. Maybe people would be happier if they did? I gotta go tell everyone! And it is simple, really. To me, when you enter into a marriage, it is a commitment to that person the soul even they are still searching for -- and may, for time beyond one lifetime, be searching for. But people stop looking at that depth of the connection. You think when you've "found someone" that's it. But it is not it. There's a lifetime of tinkering to do. And if suddenly one can't stand the maintenance, what do you do? So many options. Divorce is abandonment. Maybe i just have issues from being a child of Divorce, I think technically i was an adult child, but divorce, marriage, maybe even life itself isn't talked about enough -- no one has a clear picture gong in. Pretty soon it can be only about a houseful of kids, and judgments about if one person is pulling their weight. Marriage ends in divorce so often because of the things done or not done. I've felt those rat shit emotions -- trust me I get it -- there are good, valid reasons to remove oneself from the company of another. But if the original agreement was based on being love and to be loved why treat it like some corporate contract? I prefer to look at marriage and those vows as two people agreeing to explore the same path in the forest. Those vows, yes the antiquated sounding ones, "in sickness and in health" it's not talking about a specific contractual agreement to stick with someone even if they are bedridden -- it's trying to get the message across that there are circumstances and effects you'll encounter in a human life, but to ignore those. Those things, done or undone, are not what the marriage or that person you marry is about. |
| I ignore how my bony butt hurts, sitting on the maple dining set chair without a cushion. I have meandered around the internet [again] on a Saturday morning. It is productive in its own way, at least entertaining, I don't deny that. However, after being awake for an hour and a half, I can see that my excuses for not consistently getting back to my writing practice are based in such time-wasting escapades on the computer. I can be proud that the sidebar reminder on my author's page reminds me of the 2-week mark for making an entry to my blog. And here i am, being true to that. So, a Practice, usually spoken as being in the arena of the doctor or lawyer, really should also be the established phrase for what a writer does, don't you think? "Yes, yes, mom, lovely talking to you too. I really need to get back to my Practice." Would this tame or inflame my "know-it-all" air? What good is a Know-it-all if you do not document and share? In an effort to blend my time-wasting with my writing practice, i feel i must share my giggly enjoyment of having read about a stellar celebrity interview moment. [wow, I won't re-write that sentence, but overdone]... Actors are wonderful Know-it-alls from my fan perspective. not only do they have to have a confident handle on themselves, as far as who they are, they have a repertoire of characters. To perform that character, one must know intimate details of what makes up that character. generally those can be uncomfortable details, often details you can't openly talk about, so that the reactions of the character are more true to life. As I understand it, some flip interviewer for Vogue UK thought they had a statement to make one actor squirm. Something to the effect of: Being a virgin and a sociopath, wouldn't the character of Sherlock from the brilliant show of the same name, be terrible in bed upon his first time? Well, of course, when asked directly, Benedict Cumberbatch had to blow the lid off that mystery. apparently he surprised the interviewer with quite the detailed response. http://www.tor.com/blogs/2014/10/benedict-cumberbatch-sherlock-sex |
| [First entered without any correction October 2014] My daughter wanting a bike after 3 years of avoiding bike use is a strong signal to me that some good is coming from the move. At the very least, it is a shift in attitude, in which she is reclaiming one of the things I know she really likes to do. It is a bit of clarity about depression and how that condition can rob you of who you truly are for a while. I am happy that I am in a position to get her the bike and accessories she needs. My writing is slowly coming back into focus as well, and that is probably a sign too. I went for about 5 months without writing in the blog, and I can see that the change in schedule and location has had a big impact on my comfort (having a creative time and space). Now I agree to pat myself on the back for writing every two weeks. I made a written list this morning. I was awake before the sun was up, and my mind was already planning more than Wonder Woman and the entire Justice League might accomplish in a day. So I wrote out every task that came to mind. I placed a box beside it if I thought it had priority for the day and could be checked off. this is the clarity I need for being mindful of my next steps. |
| Just realized this morning that I'm not damaged. All those times I'm feeling afloat or unimportant are just signs that I am not in the zone I'm supposed to be in. You see, I'm really supposed to be cared for. I feel my most joyous when I am being treated to attention. It helps when I can remember to do that for myself, but I so enjoy having it done "unto me". I think where I've been trying to get realigned, so that I don't feel like an egomaniac, is to show sweetness to others. "Sweet" I think, used to be how people would describe me the majority of the time. I do remember and want to show my gratitude for all the kindnesses shown to me I don't need a title, but I do think it helps keep me focused. Queen seems higher up than I need to be. Maybe it's why I've always liked being a daughter -- there's no outing better than my mom being the one to treat me to some loving attention. It's remembering and feeling those moments when one is so happy to be doing the job one was chosen for. I like being "the driver", "the librarian", "the shotgun", "the prom fashion show model", even "the friend of", "the mom of" or "the wife of". When the focus is all scattered or there's too many titles at once, well that can be a mess -- give me one moment in time...I think I understand that phrase a lot better now. It's not about the moment, it's about the feeling you bring to that moment or even the memory of your last best moment that you bring to the new moment. Then you are creating the past, present and future all at once. |
| My muse is like an old spinster trying to piece together ballgowns from decades old fabric she has lying around. Sometimes it takes awhile for the final reveal. There's a book thread I've wanted to weave about all the shoes I go through. The cover image came to me several months ago. The title a few days ago. The body of the book is my life -- never really thought I had a memoir in me, but maybe I do? Having lived in both furthest North and East corners of Los Angeles County now, I feel the time has come for how all that living in the County I was born in is a relevant structure to my story. Now I just have to be willing to write what I remember. And the weirdest memory of all is the day I remember first thinking of writing about the region -- although at the time it was more focused on the San Gabriel Valley. I was into the history. At that time, I couldn't have been more than fifteen. Now at more than three times that age. I'm thinking of acting on that excitement. |
| Captain America: The Winter Soldier A great, great, great action flick and has the depth of exploring personal identity -- The Who Am I of a person ripped from one time and circumstance... Allows you to take your teen out to see the release and still go to school the next morning. It's like Steve Rogers himself said, "a movie at midnight? Get the kids in to see it at 8pm at least, Gosh." |
Made a "bet" last April that I could publish a novel in time for the 2014 Los Angeles Times' Festival of Books. While I did not meet that goal, I did take one step higher on the ladder by submitting a query letter to the annual "Hook Us" contest.
I BETTER NOT SPEND THE NEXT MONTH AND A HALF JUST IN WAITING MODE. This novel needs to happen! |
| Would it sound crazy to note that upon moving, already we are planning our next move? Our best laid plans are on the mobile home of a couple I know from church. Trying to work within their time frame to sell, plus mine to afford buying outright. That was the main reason for seeking out a month-to-month apartment in the interim. Before reopening negotiations with them, I was invited to see another mobile home (Pomona nie Claremont). I liked the space rent most of all -- lowest I've seen for a "family" park -- probably has no pool nor clubhouse to maintain; drawback, not central to transit hubs, however it is within walking distance to a main route that would have bus service. I already bought a pass for local transit, then realized it would do little for me in my commute to Downtown 30 miles away -- such is the crazy quilt of services for Los Angeles County. I have started off the Lenten season with adherence to a minor dietary denial -- cheese. Not much more to add to that thought, just thought I should do with less pizza in the regular diet for awhile. In a turn that should not surprise me, I also am preparing to expand beyond my usual responsibilities and interview for an opening at work that came up this week. The renewal we anticipate by Easter is clearly not just about marshmallow chicks and chocolate bunnies. |
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