Hi Anna,
I like this one. It's a good start. I do feel like you might still be working on it. Am I right? I did notice one thing. You mention Sam's name only at the very end while you mention Brigitte's name quite early on and often. I think it's a little bit strange to have his name come up so late and only once. What do you think?
Anyway, it's a nice piece. So many of our stories are just about ordinary happenings that seem so out of place to us because they weren't part of our plan for the day. You do the male voice quite well.
I really liked this story. It was written with enough suspense to keep me wanting to read until the end. I feel like it was written with a lot of emotion.
I was just a bit confused by the gesture after the "baby on board" sign. Did you mean to imply that she was pregnant? Wanted to be? There was an emotion there, but I don't think it was fully explored.
I loved the ending. It made me want to cry. I would have liked to experience that emotion sooner in the story. Like with the doe, it was almost as if she stopped feeling (and thinking) and that's when the reader starts feeling for her. Numbness often elicits a more strong emotion from others than does the "why me?" part of the story.
Great story. Such a lot of power in a short space.
I really liked this story. I am not used to reading in present tense so it was different and a little uncomfortable at first. But I think that lent nicely to the discomfort your character was feeling later on in the story. I also liked that you left the ending ambiguous. We don't know what happens next. Maybe he gets home and improves his life. Maybe he dies right there on the road. It serves as a warning and I found myself a little out of breath by the end. Very nicely done!
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