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26
26
Review of Nothing's Too Big  
Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi TexansBeatTheMiamiDolphinsBy3 !

Nice that you found a place for your poems on this site. I don't know what that other site was, but from what I have observed here, people are generally respectful of other people's beliefs, or lack of them for that matter. It is not fair to criticise the author for his/her personal beliefs, and base the review/rating on those. I think the only fair way is to review the work itself, and if the author's beliefs disturb the reviewer in finding an objective approach, it is better not to review such a piece at all.

As for your poem - personally, I notice two problems here which may be related. Firstly, for my taste, it seems to rely a little too heavily on rhyme. Some of the rhymes I have found a little forced:

He provided abundance, each tent had enough,
They ate their fill, careful not to stuff.

"Stuff" seems to be here only for the rhyme; it clashes with the mood of the poem, and sounds ungrammatical to me; "stuff" needs a complement (stuff who? what?).

I think the rhyme pattern that you use is perhaps not always suitable for long poems. It makes the poem sound a bit monotonous after a while, and distracts the reader from what you are actually saying.

Secondly, I found the poem difficult to follow. I am a Christian, too, so I am familiar with the events that you mention, but still I was a bit confused sometimes. I think the order in which you talk about the biblical events is a bit too coincidental. In the second stanza, you mention Christ dying on the cross; then, in the next one, you go back to much, much earlier events. Personally, I would suggest you try to go deeper when you mention one event, to explore one well rather than give an overview - when you do that, there is a danger that it will come out as superficial.

I find that sometimes the need to find a rhyming word interferes with the message of your stanzas. For example, in stanza 8, where you write about manna God sent to the starving people, it looks as if you complained about the quality of the meal in these two lines:

Imagine the flavor, breakfast by I AM,
Without butter or cheese, or honey or jam.

I guess you probably didn't mean it, but it looks as if you were saying that God should have sent them butter, cheese, honey and jam as well to make manna taste nicer. "Imagine the flavor" isn't enough to suggest that it tasted good; on the contrary, it sounds a little sarcastic to me.

Some parts were unclear to me, for example:

Plagues consumed the land, revealing His Might,
Constant & grievous all day & all night.

Does the second quoted line relate to His Might? And if not, what does it relate to? I'm not quite sure if I understand it correctly.

I have noticed some punctuation mistakes:

He's anxious to give me, all of His favor.

You don't need that comma there; it separates the verb from the complement, which is a mistake.

Rameses' heart was hardened, so He might show
All nations, that he WILL let His people go.

What happened there, has been told many times,

You don't need the comma after "there".

You don't need that comma in the second quoted line.

In the last line of the poem, you don't need the last comma.

Also, I would suggest that you type "and" instead of &. That spelling of "and" could perhaps be used in an experimental, unconventional poem. Your poem is written in a pretty conventional way and this spelling clashes with tis general style.

My rating reflects the way I feel about this poem at the moment. I rate according to the principle that na item rated 3 should be written correctly, that's why I tend to lower my ratings when an item has a lot of punctuation errors and other basic faults. I will raise the rating already after you have improved the punctuation and the spelling of "and", so please let me know if you decide to do so! I'll come back and re-rate.

All the best to you. Once again, I am glad that you find this site to be a place where people's beliefs and opinions are respected, as well as freedom of speech. It is one of the greatest things about this site, isn't it? *Smile* I hope you will continue to enjoy yourself here.

Agnie
27
27
Review of Grammarama  
Review by Agnie
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Davy Kraken !

This is a very good piece, and i like the precision with which you provide all the explanations. Both the mistakes that you have already covered and the ones you are planning to write about are very common. I would recommend your book to everyone on this site! (just in case *Bigsmile* ).

If I happen to think about a common mistake you haven't mentioned yet, I will let you know (may I? *Wink* ).

Agnie
28
28
Review by Agnie
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Brandon Johnson ,

Your blog is great. It has a clear theme, and a very important one on a writing website. I hope you will continue to share your reflections on writing.

I really appreciate it that as in your stories, your style is good, clear, not messy, like in some blogs - I don't think there is anything wrong with being a little messy in personal writing, but in a blog like yours it is important that the style is pleasant to follow.

*Exclaim*I advise all who are reading this to visit this blog - regularly! *Bigsmile*

Agnie
29
29
Review by Agnie
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi again, Brandon Johnson !

I liked this story even more. I would have never thought this started off as an exercise in dialogue. The idea is brilliant, and very well developed. I really enjoyed reading this.

I have a few suggestions:

(he couldn’t remember who’s bright idea it was)

*Right* whose.

“You need your medication, don’t you Freddie?”

You need a comma after "you".

“You’re off the air you little s***.”

You need a comma after "air".

The top third of the structure began to sway wildly and was coming loose from the rest of the tower.

“Oh my God, it’s coming apart… hurry!” She shrieked into the windshield.

The top piece of the tower which was breaking loose appeared to be falling well short of the car.

I think the part which I put in bold, or perhaps the whole sentence, is a bit clumsy; perhaps you could revise it?

* I don't quite like the ending; I don't know why, perhaps the style is too much like Steven King's when he is not at his best? I felt that the language had changed into something you might have believed to be a more effective style, but I personally prefer your usual style much more.

Please let me know if you make any changes; I might raise the rating to 5. I really liked this story.

Agnie
30
30
Review by Agnie
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi again, Zuly !

I have read this poem many times and still I am not completely sure what to say and what to think. Just in case: these are just my personal impressions! If you disagree with me, it is your right. You are the author of this poem and it is up to you how you choose to write it. But if my comments are in any way stimulating, and perhaps help you in some way in writing poetry, I'm happy *Smile*

I like the basic idea of your poem and the opening line. It's very - poetic, very beautiful, and at the same time gives a very clear image (which some poetic and beautiful lines fail to do! They sometimes just leave the reader lost in a fountain of words).

I like the "story" in your poem. I quite enjoyed the images it created in my head. But what bothered me was that a lot of your expressions sounded like clichés to me. Now, "cliché" is a pretty derogatory word, and may sound too strong here. I think there are, generally, different types of clichés. Some are really bad; some are not as common and can be used sparingly. The thing is that in your poem there are, in my opinion, a little too many. Let's take the first one appearing in line 2:

Let the rain wash the pain away

Reading this, I felt as if I had read it somewhere before. I probably have. Now, it is IMPOSSIBLE to always use completely original expressions and avoid those used by anyone else. If someone tried that, he would only succeed in making his work sound fake. BUT, in my opinion, if you use an expression like "wash the pain away", try not to use other common phrases too soon.

Let the lightning guide my path

Let my blood and sweat
Get mixed on the muddy trail

Let them receive the cruelty of life

These are some more expressions that sounded a bit like clichés to me; I don't mean they are clichés in the sense that I've seen them in a lot of poems, they just seem to be too close together and, to me, fail to sound genuine.

Let my blood and sweat
Get mixed on the muddy trail

In this partm I can see an additional problem. Throughout your poem, you talk about the winter, the cold of the winter night; death is also negerally associated with cold. Now, these two lines are hot. "Blood and sweat" - this brings to my mind heat, physical effort, hard work, which are associated with life, not death. Similarly, the "muddy trail" doesn't really make me think of cold. Similarly, in the last stanza, the image of decaying flesh doesn't make me think of a cold night; the process of decay happens faster when it's warm. Sorry I've got into these gross details... ... I just tried to point out that there is a little bit of inconsequence in your imagery. It only occurred to me after I had read the poem several times what it was, but it had bothered me from the beginning.

I hope that these comments will be in some way helpful and at least will show you what problems some readers can possibly encounter while reading this poem. This is just my opinion, other poems may like the poem as it is. In fact, looking at the rating average, I am starting to wonder whether there is perhaps something wrong with me.
*Wink*

Once again, thank you for posting your work on "Invalid Item" .

All the best to you and keep writing!

Agnie
31
31
Review of Dog View  
Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi!

*Exclaim* DON'T CRY!! *Wink* (I've read your bio...). The rating is quite low because of the punctuation errors and some misspelt words. I will re-rate when you have corrected them.

I really like the idea of this piece. In parts the humour wasn't exactly "mine"; I mean the parts where the dog gets quite sarcastic. I can't really picture a dog thinking some of these thoughts (about G.W. and second hand smoke). But this is just a matter of taste.

Another thing is that the dog's thoughts could be just a little bit more ligically ordered. I know this is supposed to be a pretty light, loose, humour piece, but perhaps some more structure would make it even better? If you consider making any changes in it, of course *Wink* It is pretty good and funny as it is!

I didn't quite like the terrorism bit; hitting a dog has nothing to do with terrorism. It's violence, but not terrorism. But if the dog kept, for example, ruining the carpet unless he got fresh ham every day, well, that would be more like terrorism.

The last part was my favourite - about "dog" and "God".

You have quite a few typos in the last line:

when your in a relationship,ypu can expect the same.

*Exclaim* *Exclaim* You need a space after every punctuation mark. Exceptions: brackets and inverted commas, when you open them (you need a space before them, though).

I will re-rate when you have inserted the missing spaces so let me know when you do that! *Wink*

Thank you for sharing! *Wink*

Agnie
32
32
Review of Islam Uncovered  
Review by Agnie
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi ,

I have found this item in the showcase of the Muslim Group. I just started reading a bit about the Islam tonight *Wink*

You piece is quite informative, but I found it a little difficult to follow. It might be just that I am tired, but I think the style could be also made more interesting - ? I know it's a difficult task to make something you found through research sound like your own words, and few people are really good at that. It is always easier to tell your own story. And the clue might be just there - I think you could choose these aspects of Islam that somehow appeal to you or interest you the most and concentrate more on them. In this item, you try to tell everything (I had this feeling especially while reading the history bit), but it is impossible in such a short piece. As a result, it did come out just a little bit shallow (emphasis on "just" and "a little", mind you! *Wink* ).

I quite ike the beginning. Very direct. A good opening.

(You need spaces after the ellipses: "...".)


The media only portrays a distorted view of the matter because of these “bad stuff.”

"This", not "these"; besides, "stuff" seems to me a bit too informal a word... How about some rephrasing?

You might ask, “Why is there such thing as ‘holy war’?” It is because Jihad (holy war) is the internal struggle of each believer to seek the right path and do God's will. It was meant to preserve the faith and protect the believers.

I feel this paragraph appears a bit too out of the blue. Nothing in the previous paragraph made me think of the holy war. Perhaps you could introduce the subject a bit less suddenly and devote a bit more space to it than this short paragraph? I would suggest starting the paragraph with the concept of jihad and the explanation what it means rather than with the very conversational "You might ask".

Muslims are, as a matter of fact, peace-loving and gentle people.

I must say I really didn't like this sentence. You just can't say that! You're generalising too much. I don't mean that I disagree with you. But you just cannot say that of ANY religious group, nation, or race. Not only isn't it true, and always will bring exceptions to mind; it sounds a bit condescending. I would suggest revising this part. For example, since you are writing about the religion, you can say that the religion stresses the importance of peace, family values (you mention that in the next sentence) etc. But this first sentence sounds a bit like "Human beings are, in fact, a peace-loving and gentle species". Too general!

They value family and marriage among other things.

I actually wanted to hear about those other things very much after reading this; especially that family and marriage are valued in all cultures and religions (unless I'm wrong and there are some exceptions - then in most, anyway).

Overall, it is a promising piece, but could do with some changes. I'm not sure whether you will still want to revise it, as the awardicon is there already, but if not, I hope that my remarks will help you in writing other pieces in the future *Wink*

Thank you for sharing!

Agnie
33
33
Review of Dear Daniel  
Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Zuly ,

First of all, thank you for posting your work on "Invalid Item" . I'm sorry it has taken me a while to review your poems. But nothing posted on my forums ever gets lost, so you are getting your reviews eventually! *Smile*

It was a little difficult for me to review this poem, and that is because it is clearly very personal. While reading such a poem, I feel I should try to see how it can be perceived by the person for whom it was written as well, not just look at it from my point of view. I think this is a very good expression of your feelings and I am sure Daniel appreciated it a lot *Smile*

Things that I liked about this poem:

*Smile* You start each line with the same letter, yet it doesn't make your lines sound unnatural, which is sometimes the case when poets try such "tricks"! *Wink*

*Smile* The somewhat archaic feel your choice of words gives to this poem. It creates a nice atmosphere.

*Smile* The beauty of many of your expressions, very suitable for a love poem. For example, I really like the beginning of the poem.

...and now I'm going to contradict myself a little, I'm afraid...

Things that didn't work for me in this poem:

* The slightly "archaic" word/style choices sometimes made it difficult for me to follow this poem. Occasionally, I found myself going back and re-reading a line or two.

* I think using traditional punctuation might better fit the style of this particular poem. Please consider using a punctuation mark at the end of each line that requires one, but if you don't like the result, ignore this comment; it is not a mistake not to use punctuation if you have a reason not to. I just think that it would make this particular poem easier to follow and suit its pretty traditional style.

* Some of the lines don't have the same lightness and natural feel to them as others. For example,

Doors always open despite the bars of your plight

This sounded a little strained to me, and I couldn't figure out what "the bars of your plight" was supposed to mean. *Exclaim* Just my opinion!

* Difficult to forget and even more difficult to find

You seem to lose the rhythm in the second half of this line. I feel you may just have too many syllables here. "Hard to forget and harder yet to find" - a possible alternative - ?

* The last line comes a bit as a surprise. It definitely isn't always a bad thing. On the contrary, it's great to surprise the reader at the end of the poem. However, here the "writing" comes a bit out of the blue. Till this point, till the last line, this is a love poem. Your eyes are directed at the object of your affections. You tell the reader about Daniel and your feelings for him, you also suggest you are somehow insignificant, you are ready to sacrifice yourself for him:

Drowning in your voice is my paramount delight

I know you don't mean drowning as dying, but I wouldn't disregard this image completely as it reinforces the message of this line; you get lost in his voice, you close your eyes, listen to him and feel as if you cease to exist...

Descended from the heavens to lend me your might

This line may suggest you consider Daniel a higher being than yourself, an angel sent to you. The line focuses on Daniel, not you; you don't say you are a lower being, yet this is the way it comes out, by comparison.

Devoured by your light, that so beautifully shines

A very similar image to that of the line "Drowning in your voice...". I think it was a great idea/coincidence that you placed these two very similar images in the same place of the stanza. Again, you get lost in presence of his beauty, perfection, strength.

(By the way, you don't need the comma in this line, and if you decide it is important here and want to keep it, you should replace "that" with "which".)

Drag me to confinement and take away the light
Deprive me of my sanity, if that would make you mine

This is perhaps the strongest example of what I've been talking about: you give yourself to him completely, agree to occupy a lower position (even though he might not, of course, ask this of you! - nothing in the poem suggests that he would, but you make it clear that you'd be ready).

How come, then, that in the last line you come into the centre of attention?

Suddenly "my inspiration to write" becomes the cebtral point of this line. I see some lack of consequence here. If this switch was intended, you should support it somehow; as it happens only in one line, it seems more of a coincidence. Going with what I think to be the main thought of your poem, I understand that you write to praise Daniel, and the writing is only to serve this aim. If it is so, I would suggest moving the word "write" to another place in the stanza where it wouldn't rhyme. Right now, it seems to me it is simply too strong.

Another possible interpretation is while you may seem to be Daniel's inferior servant, in fact you are the master, as you are the artist, and he is just the object of your creation. The line that could support this interpretation is

Deliberately breaking the mold for God’s design

- here you make a reference to artist's work and to the fact that Daniel, in his perfection, is a creation, not a creator; however, he does break the mold, so again he is in some way superior to the one who created him. Sorry if I'm going too far and overinterpreting your poem!! - I've just been trying to find justification for the last line being what it is, but it seems to me the switch of focus in it probably wasn't intended.

I'm rating this poem 3,5 because it is rather well written, but a few things confused me, and some parts could still be polished. Do let me know if you make any changes, and I will come back and possibly re-rate! Please feel free to e-mail me if you have any questions about anything I said in this review or if there's anything you disagree with.

Once again thanks for posting on my forum! I will review your other poem later on. *Smile*

Agnie
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Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi!

This is a very disturbing poem - and it's good, as it's supposed to be! The line "I died again last night" is very effective, and I like the way you modified it at the end, adding "so"; I think it works very well. Otherwise it would sound a little monotonous to me.

There are a few ways in which the poem could be, in my opinion, improved, but it might be just a matter of taste.

* Faded like the echo,
of a desperate fall,
finally escaping the high canyon walls.

Right, this one is not just a matter of taste *Wink* - you have a punctuation problem in this stanza. You don't need a comma at the end of the first line; it separates the noun from the prepositional phrase that modifies it, and it's wrong; when you write it in the same line, you'll see it. Depending on the meaning, you may or may not need a comma after "fall". As it is now, it means: when it finally escapes... ...

* I think that parts of the poem are a bit too wordy. Examples:

Shredded like faith betrayed
By an ugly truth.

Where concrete and steel
Gave way to blue and plumes
Of dust and flesh.

(Is the repetition of the "NOUN + and + NOUN" intentional here? I think fewer words would have a stronger impact, but, as I said, it might be the matter of taste.)

* Beat their chests, wives and logic
Like the droning drums of war.

I really like the first of these lines - excellent! In the second one, the alliteration annoyed me for some reason; it seems to me a bit too artificial, too much like "let's use alliteration" *Wink* Again, it may be just me, though!

These are the lines I especially liked:

Evaporated like the last drop
Of the last rain

I love this bit. I don't care too much for the following line; I feel it is a little too much, it makes the metaphor a bit heavy somehow.

To reclaim that sense of ownership
Stolen in the night, stolen in the morning.
Though I’d sworn it could never be done.

Great lines.

Overall, the poem is good, but it could be even better. My suggestions are given from my very subjective point of view, but I hope that even if you don't use them, another person's opinion will be of some interest to you *Wink*

Keep writing,

Agnie
35
35
Review of Henry Henrietta  
Review by Agnie
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wonderful. This IS a mouse.

I'm not the best at saying good things in many words, so I'm sorry that the suggestions will take more space in this review.

* I feel "do loathe" and "does rove" sound a little unnatural; how about getting rid of "do" and "does" there? The flow would be better, and "roves" will still rhyme. You have a similar rhyme below.

* "Splat"

How about: - - Splat - - - ?

* In the wall she will stay
Until comes the day

How about "there" in front of "comes" for a better flow?

* I don't quite like the louse in the last stanza from the end. A mouse is a cute creature, a louse... brrrr... everything but!! To me, the stanza would sound better without that line. Just my opinion, though! *Wink*

* Who's stayed at my house,

You don't need a comma at the end of this line.

* In the last stanza, how about replacing "from my head to my feet" with "from my head to my toes"? It would rhyme with "roam" (somewhat *Wink* ). "Peep" already rhymes with "squeek" - or would they be lonely?... *Wink*

It's a lovely poem. Thanks for sharing, and I'm really happy you plugged it in your public review. Otherwise, I might not have found it!

Agnie
36
36
Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi a Sunflower in Texas !

I like the peaceful mood of the poem, clarity of thought and honesty. I also like your rhyming; you use some exact and some weak rhymes (across-lost, splashing-blasting), which is a nice mix; poems with only exact rhymes sometimes feel boring, and you have a nice balance here.

* I have a feeling you might still want to tell more in this poem; I don't mean: make it longer, I mean that some neutral phrases could be played with, changed to express even more. I feel such neutral phrases are like blank patches on a painting; they may look all right, but there could still be more. I can actually see two such phrases in this poem: "in the summer" and maybe also "thinking like this" - I'm not sure about the second one because it might be what you really wanted to say. "In the summer" will already sound better when you make it longer to keep the syllable count - I know it will be impossible in all the lines but it might be here: "sometimes in summer" or something like this.

This is just what came to my mind; I don't mean there's anything wrong with the poem. It does read well as it is.

I'm rating this poem 4 because it's a nice, relaxing poem and it felt good to read it. It made me breathe more slowly and smile a bit! *Smile*

Thank you for sharing it here on the site.

Agnie
37
37
Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi!

I enjoyed this poem a lot, and giving it the shape you did adds to its originality... I did have to read it a few times, I was a little too distracted by the shape to "get" the poem at once, especially one part. But poetry is not fast food and many poems should be read more than once so I don't see it as a fault. It was worth the extra time!

I like the way you handled the rhymes. One of them is used quite often (blue-you), but because of the way you placed these words, and because they really fit the context, the rhyme works very well.

I think my favourive part is the last five lines, or maybe 7...

Thank you for sharing this.

Agnie
38
38
Review of An Old rope  
Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey, this is not kid's stuff!! *Smile* Seriously, you're talented. This is better written than a lot of stuff written by "adults" *Smile*

I found your story on the Request Reviews page.

I spotted some typos which you will probably notice yourself as you re-read the text. I haven't edited the whole text as it is rather long, but if you need help editing it, please let me know. As for the whole story, it reads well and makes me feel like looking at more items in your port.

Some of the little things I noticed:

...specifically to the mentioned characteristic that this certain ma so possessed. Typo: man.

“Well, come on now Crystal, we have to get back to Grandpa.” You need a comma after "now".

“Goodbye Norman! Muah!” Said Crystal ... "Said" shouldn't be capitalised, as it comes after a quote. If you started a new sentence there, like:

The woman sat down.

it would be capitalised.

Good luck improving your writing skills - you can wish me the same... *Wink*

Agnie
39
39
Review of Crackling Bones  
Review by Agnie
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hi Sunflower!

I was drawn to this piece by the intriguing, a little surrealistic-sounding description of the item. I like the way it is written, the language is lively and it reads very well. You don't overdramatise the events, instead giving a truthful account of what happens, giving the reader a clear picture which is powerful just because it is not sentimental. I like that a lot.

I spotted quite a number of misspelt words and some punctuation problems, which is why the rating is low; I will raise the rating when these are corrected!

Some of the problems I've noticed (there might be more):

In the first sentence, you need a comma after "home".

I stopped at the PO Box and picked up mail from both our boxes, as well as picking up a nail file for my neglected nails. The second part of this sentence sounds awkward, due to the incorrect use of the -ing form (picking up). Skipping the phrase would make the sentence correct grammatically, but it would make it seem as if you picked up the nail file at the same time and in the same place. I suggest changing the whole sentence, maybe making two seperate sentences out of this one.

Mother voice sounded tired and agitated. Mother's voice.

What happened? It's almost 4:30 where are you?" A quotation mark is missing at the beginning of the paragraph. A comma is needed before "where".

combition *Right* combination - ?

"After having my teeth cleaned and getting set up for a root canal [...] I think the quotation mark at the beginning of this paragraph was placed by mistake.

chlorestoral *Right* cholesterol.

The use of tenses is sometimes a little confusing; example:

"Like which time before? Tell me how it feels. What did you do? What's wrong?" If she didn't give me specific details, she might slip into that cycle where whe expected me to empathically know what was wrong. I've seen her that sick and weak before. It frightens me emotionally. I try to be a rock when she's not able to be.

In other parts of the story, you jump from the present to past tense a back again. Personally, I think the story would be better in the present tense; it would make the story more dynamic and it would let you make a crear difference between the main/immediate events and what happened earlier.

The story needs some editing but is very good overall. I really want to give it a higher rating so please let me know when you have made the corrections!

All the best,

Agnie
40
40
Review of Empty Room  
Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (2.0)
This is better than the other poem I've just read. I noticed some things that perhaps could be improved, if you agree with this opinion of a stranger, of course *Wink* :

* You attempt to describe your mood (I think), you let the reader know that the room is very important to you - but I find that it's impossible for the reader to even guess why it is important without knowing it from some other source. For example, without knowing you personally. I think that without certain exceptions (like poems written for special occasions, when everybody knows what/who they are about) a poem should be independent. The reader should be able to know something (not necessarily everything!) about you and/or the situation you are writing about after reading the poem. You don't have to tell everything, you can leave something, or even a lot, to the reader's imagination. But here you are not telling anything, except that you are in a room and that you're sad and crying. Without even a trace of a hint why, what those memories are etc., that sounds a bit trivial.

* I feel that the word "room" is repeated far too often in this poem. Also, each time this word appears, it's at the end of the line, which makes it even more prominent. Without a very good reason, it's not a good idea to repeat the same word in a poem, especially in such a position. And if you have a reason for it - well, what is it? Think about it and think whether repeating the word "room" is helping you - perhaps it would be better to replace it with some words that would say more about what happened there, for example? or some details about the room that would somehow refer to its - and your - past?

Pluses: there are no spelling or punctuation problems; on this level, this is correct and it's a start.

I wish you good luck in perfecting your skills as a poet!

Agnie
41
41
Review of My brother  
Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hi Bucky!

I'm not sure if this is to be a funny poem or not, so if it is, sorry about the rating. It is funny and if it is supposed to be, it should be rated higher and I will do so, but I think the humour should be indicated in the description; otherwise the reader expecting a more serious or, hm, formal poem might be disappointed. *Wink*

A few things should be corrected:

* Biscuts - ?

* I still have memorieslike..., "Memories like". Also, I'm not sure if you're using the right punctuation at the end of the line. Personally, I don't think any is needed here.

* Japan is a country => it should be capitalised.

* Who what a growen man. "Who"? "Growen" - the poem is obviously humouristic--- but, still, I think it should be really indicated in the description so that the reader knows just a LITTLE what to expect *Wink*

Thank you for sharing and I hope you will have a good time on the site! *Smile*

Agnie
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Review of The Nova  
Review by Agnie
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed it a lot - very smart. I am aware that, not being American, I must have missed some subtleties but what I did get was a very good read.

I have one technical suggestion: how about using the indentations? (some people prefer line breaks) Adding them on this site is a bit complicated, or rather it lasts very long, I hate it with longer texts. But it would make this text look better and easier to read.

Sorry to comment on such a meaningless little detail *Smile* - but this is good work and it would read even better if the layout was easier for the eye *Smile*

Thank you for sharing! I'll visit again when I have a chance.

Agnie
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Review of Five Haiku  
Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nice work! My favourite one was No. 2 - a beautiful picture, and you managed to put so much into these very few lines. Not only do we see the cats, we can guess what they think.

I have some rather minor suggestions for two of the poems:

No. 3
How about a comma after "pines"? It's not necessary as it's the end of the line, so it's fine if you decided not to use punctuation here. I just thought it would look nice, it would make the poem a little clearer as well; now there's a very short "stop" as the reader for half a second wonders how the next line relates to this one gramatically.

No. 4
How about putting a hyphen between "pollen" and "stained"? I'm not sure if it's absolutely necessary from the grammatical point of view, but I think it would be better, clearer that way. What do you think?

I really feel my day's going to be better after reading these poems - I'm glad I got up early in the morning and could enjoy them at the right time of day. Thank you for sharing them! *Smile*

Agnie
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Review by Agnie
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A great idea and a very well written poem. I would have one shy suggestion:

I hung up the phone and said noting,
but today my reaction would be different.
This is what I should have said:

I think it might be good to make this part more brief, to try to tighten the words a bit, perhaps change the expressions. I feel this stanza would fit better the style of the poem if it was tighter, with shorter lines - but it's just a thought, feel free to disagree! *Smile*

Agnie
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Review by Agnie
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
This is a well written story, but it's a shame that for technical reasons it's a little difficult to follow. I think it would be easier to read it if you divided it into paragraphs - you might be amazed at how much better the story would be after this simple change.

You have some spaces missing/in the wrong places:

You move close to me to find warmth and comfort against the raging storm just outside .I draw you close and caress back your moring hair.to lightly kiss your face [...]

I noticed a typo in the description of the story:

Dedcated *Right* Dedicated.

I'm sorry I have just commented on these technical things, but I found them rather distracting. Things like missing spaces can really bother the reader, especially in a short text.

Please let me know if you make any changes or if you chose not to divide your text deliberately for some reason and don't agree with the rating. I'll be back to re-read and adjust the rating - I promise! *Smile*

Agnie
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Review of The Poet  
Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed this brief poem, it gave me a glimpse of how you perceive yourself as a poet, your work and the process of creating it. I sense a subtle humour in your lines, esp. in the first two - I don't mean you probably don't mean it - I just feel you wrote them with a smile!

I had a bit of a problem understanding the thought of lines 4, 5 and 6; did you want to say that they are waiting for ripeness the moment that you write them, or that the moment when you write them is the moment when they become ripe? I guess the latter, but I'm not sure. Using punctuation might make it more clear but I understand why you chose not to - and I'm not going to try to persuade you to do that *Bigsmile* It's fine with no punctuation, it just demands more concentration, I think.

I think this is the first of your poems that I've read, and it encouraged me to visit your port - I'll drop by some time soon! *Smile*

Agnie
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Review of cry  
Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi!

I think it's an imaginative and promising beginning, but 1. it needs some serious editing - the spelling is not always correct and a lot of commas are excessive; 2. I think you might want to work on your ideas as well to put them in a... new way; I know that some claim that "everything has already been said", "everything is a cliché" etc. Maybe it is really so - I don't know. I don't feel that way. But even if it feels so, even if everything has already been said and written and put into poems, some poems we read don't feel that way.

The lines of your poem which are questions feel to me like I've read them countless times. The image of the vine, on the contrary, is sharp and will stay in my mind. Develop such images, such new ideas, not just words that fill the page and look more or less right. It is usually a trap.

I'm sorry if this review came out a little harsh - I am really trying to help! *Smile* Let me know if you revise.

Write on and enjoy it! *Smile*

Agnie
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Review of Discrimination  
Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (2.0)
It's so hard to rate this poem because it pretty well written - but what it lacks a bit is the substance. The theme is quite well known to all, discrimination is present almost (?) everywhere. But it would be better to write about it in more concrete terms. For example, concentrate on one type of discrimination or at least one at a time. This is very general. You make references to racial discrimination but they are very vague. Try to think in pictures, when you think: discrimination, what do you see? Examples: a foreigner cannot get a job just because s/he was born in another country. A poorly dressed customer is looked down on by a shop assistant... I bet you could find many examples in your own life.

I'm not suggesting you should improve this particular poem, perhaps you could write another one - paint a picture/pictures, don't just look for words to tell us how you feel - try to make the reader feel it by showing images.

I hope this is helpful and that you don't mind the rating!...

Write on,

Agnie
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Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (4.0)
First of all, let me say that I agree with you 100%. I have not been educated in the States and actually have never even been there, but I have heard the same opinion from my teachers, one of them American, and I think I know what you mean. Actually, a lot of my teachers at university liked American students because they were "active"; quote: "Even if they don't have anything really wise to say, they at least 'say something'". I think too much in education (it seems that education in Europe tends to be more and more based on the American model) is about "saying something". I don't agree this should be so important, not even in language teaching, where it's the language, not the opinion, that matters. Even in language lessons, students should be encouraged to say what is true or what they really think, not just produce sentences that are grammatically correct - this only makes them used to saying things which are not true.

As for your essay, it's written excellently and very passionately. I just think that maybe it would be better if you supported your opinion with some more examples and arguments, then it would be more convincing. At the beginning, you use an excellent example from your own experience, but I think this is the only example you use, the rest is your opinion which should perhaps be supported a bit more. Statements like "Education is destroying America", for example, could be explained; for an American reader it might be clearer what you mean, but for someone from outside the States, not quite.

Thanks for sharing this essay, it was a very interesting read! *Smile*

Agnie
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Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi!

You chose a very good topic for your presentation and I hope it went well. I have quite strong feelings about what happened on that day. I was in Poland then, not too far from the border, and I remember how scared we were. A lot of my friends had health problems after that catastrophy that were most probably related to the radiation.

Perhaps that's why I feel your text is only the beginning. I feel like you're touching on the subject that you suggest at the beginning you should explore. As you say, not too many people know what happened on that day; tell them. Explain what happened, at least briefly. Now, the reader is left a little disappointed.

You labelled your text as "Personal" and "Emotional", not "Essay" or "Article", so I'm rating it just one star below "average". I find it a little difficult to rate personal/emotional items, so if you don't agree with the rating, please e-mail me. But I hope you will work on this - it could be a very interesting text.

Agnie
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