What a fantastic and refreshing portrayal of schizophrenia, I clued on very early that the other people were split personalities which was a bit of a shame because it would have been more striking if the title didn’t give the game away.
I like the relationship between the two personalities, the contrast between the good side and the bad, it shows both of a persons personal spectrums and creates a balance within the content.
I also found it quite interesting that the majority of the piece is dialogue and not actions, I think this adds to the voices in the head transforming the importance’s to the protagonist. It shows how what’s going on in her head is more important to her than the actions of others or her own surroundings. However, I think that when you do describe the characters you could do so in a more animated way because of course they are very animated in her head. Perhaps their stillness reflects that they are not really there?
“She felt a tightening in her chest, like it was clenching her heart and her heart in response began to beat more rapidly. “ This sentence was really captivating, it brought the character to life, and it gave her depth and made her vulnerable which appeals to the reader.
There were a few moments in this that took me back a little, instead of typing in capitals to emphasise some of the words that are said, you could do this by your writing skills that I have seen through browsing through some of your other work.
Such as what are you, doing here…the pause creates an effect of emphasis.
The ideas and concepts within this piece are striking, your dialogue is really believable and that’s important and trickier than those professionals make it seem! I also believe that it is half the battle, well done.
Keep on writing!
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This is such a fabulous storyline with such an amazing message. I myself when growing up never went abroad and so I know what the power of escapism into a book is all about.
They say that in short story writing if something isn’t vital to the progress of the story then you should get rid of it. I don’t know if you’ve heard this but this piece would advantage from being longer.
I appreciate the chatty structure of the pice as it reflects the age range of the characters however I found some terms to be a little too immature and they brought the piece down. For example the word drag, I also didn’t understand why you wrote group as “group”, perhaps social group or group of friends would make the piece flow a little better.
I would be really interested in this piece if it was expanded more, I felt that I could really connect with the main character as we both share a love for books yet if there was more depth to their love and passion the reader would connect more.
I see this piece as a really good starting point for a potentially fantastic story, well done.
- Abby
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Wow, this poem is constructed brilliantly and not at all what I expected when I clicked on!
The first part reminded me of just about every time I sit down to write, I start with a sentence and it turns into something else and that to something else and I end up writing a shopping list or I’ll hear the cats meow and wander off. It conjures up a very real past time!
At first I contemplated what the narrator is distracted from, or what it was leading them to but then it clicked to me that they are distracted from everything by anything; everything that cuts into our lives and distracts us from what we’re doing and leads us to something else.
The noises are key distracting elements for anyone, like a clock ticking too loudly that means you can’t study for a huge exam or something.
I especially liked the line “Yesterday’s news papers the driveway”, because I think this is more of a distraction on a larger scale. This meant to me the fact that most people read/listen to the news. This makes them feel like they’re part of this world and not as ignorant as they really are. They watch the news and then they go about their day like nothing happened, letting trivial life distract them from bigger issues.
The second stanza was truly tragic, leaving the grievances up to someone else, like the door that has to be shut by some one, the pregnant wife that has to fix the tire even in her condition because of the husband’s lack of concentration.
The third then becomes even drearier, showing again that menial things can take us away from what is actually happening, or the other way round. The lack of attendance in this stanza rings aloud in the readers mind, and when reading this I felt like screaming “hey, someone pay attention!”
This then is all contrasted with the second part, which scared me to read in the first two lines and then lifted my hopes and faith in the world. The final line sounds so crisp and clear out loud, adding again a sense of tangibility to your work!
You have an amazing talent to raise and lower your readers emotions, this is seriously captivating, you are very talented!
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(I’ve worked it out at last hehe!)
This piece of prose captures brilliantly the admiration the narrator has for this man. Thought I question as to why the photo is still there, perhaps to show that the narrator is still holding on.
In the first paragraph I couldn’t help but want to know what he is challenging her for or about, the first part speaks with some distain (or at least that is what I withdrew) against the narrator, the man seems to be against the woman rather than loving her which is what her admiration deserves. The blurring photograph also strikes with the fact that maybe the narrator is trying to let go.
The broad smile in the second paragraph brings the character to life, in saying that he had an “ordinary looking face” takes away the illusion that this mysterious man is going to be a fair maidens prince! Then it is said that the relationship is a sport and it all becomes a game, and perhaps isn’t as real as the narrator had once hoped.
The third paragraph contrasts this as it shows the narrators hope for the future “long stretches of time alludes to an open future together. But the forest clouds up an open future and with it brings a lack of communication.
By the forth paragraph he seems to become disconnect, with her at least where as at work he is fine.
The description in the fifth paragraph is beautiful painting his ways expertly for the reader whilst still showing the admiration of the narrator.
In the final paragraph it seems that she gives up on him, making herself believe that it was his fault, that he and she would never be together because it is not in his nature.
In the forth paragraph you refer to him as “His” is this to relate him to God or s typo?
The prose ends with a quiet acceptance that perhaps the narrator did not have at the start, but I think it ends beautifully. The piece draws on the readers own experiences with an unreachable man that they may have in their lives.
Wow, this is inspirational! It was sad to hear that you had to stay in such horrid conditions but you still managed to do something productive in that time. I am inspired by your reading discipline, I love to read but I find that sometimes it is impossible to read so much at once unless of course it is a really amazing book.
I am really spurred on by this, thank you for the great read!
- Abby x
Wow, this poem had an immense impact on me! It is truely wonderful.
However, I think it may need re looking at as there doesn't seem to be much punctuation and was quite hard to read with no indicators of pauses.
Keep Writing
- Abby x
You have painted a wonderful picture here, the imagery is vivid and lovely. I really felt the narratives longing that you expressed very well!
Well done!
- Abby x
This piece is lovely, it captures the isolation very well.
I find the idea of looking through someone elses eyes really interesting, what if we all see something different, but because we only comunicate in linguistics we accept the different things to be the same? That is what first drew me in to read the poem.
The second stanza is my favourite, it shows the tortue of temptation of seeing something and not being able to have it or understand it.
The poem made me think of Quazimodo in his tower looking onto the streets and loving the beauty of it whilst everyone on the ground is hating it and wishing to be some where else.
The grass always looks greener.
Good write,
- Abby x
I think this poem needs some expansion, and on a large part, some depth. I think that words such as 'passion' 'love' and such are used so much in poetry that they need a new level of depth.
The poem ends very abruptly, but I think the poem sets foundations for something wonderful.
Keep writing!
- Abby x
Wow, this is such an amazing poem packed with imagary and insight.
I love how each stanza is contrasted with itself, it shows the good with the bad, the serene with chaos. It has a great impact on the reader.
As I was reading this I kept thinking about balance, how if something bad happens, there is always something good that is happening. It made me think that this should be noted the other way round aswell, that when ever something good happens, something tragic is also going on and this fact is sad.
There was one draw back that I picked up on, in the sixth stanza; should it be a teenager, instead of just 'teenager' I think this would read smoother.
Good write, well done!
- Abby x
First things first *wishing, just a typo easily sorted and the rhyming scheme is not adhered to throughout the poem.
I think your poem sends a lovely message to an extent that I almost feel cheated that it is not expanded. You could delve alot further into this topic and make it really heart wrenching!
I've read through quite a few in your port and I think you have some great potential but your poems would be amazing if they were developed and expanded more.
Keep writing my dear!
- Abby x
I like the overall content of this piece but I feel it still needs some work, the form in my opinion doesn't work very well with the content. If it was all written in couplets then maybe but as the person has already left at first the fact that it goes out in the middle and then back in doesn't really capture the essence of the poem.
Becareful with your wording, each word you write in a poem has great importance which is why every word should be reconsidered during the editing process.
I think the last line could be tweaked to be better, the poem is speaking of someone that the narrator has loved and that has gone away, it is already stated that you wish for them to come back. Leave the reader a little guess work.
If you make the reader ponder over your poems and think about them then the job is done.
Additionally, I think a comma is needed between sweet and soft.
Saying this, i enjoyed the poem and the message given and I was really able to feel the narrators longing!
Keep writing!
- Abby x
I have a problem with reading lyrics as the way they read and the way they are sung will be entirely different and sometimes when lyrics are sung/read they need to be adapted to suit the audience. With this is mind, I find your piece inspirational and proud, the amount of 'ands' in the chorus are a bit repetative but it may work in song.
You have the beginings of a winner here but I think it could be expanded into something even greater.
x
Aww! What a lovely poem! I like how the poem starts with relating to the audience the feelings that the narrator is trying to convey, a sense of love. Then the poem moves on and tells the story of small things that people don't really think about such as going to bed. The poem reminded me of looking down at my nephew and niece and how I treasure everything they do. There is definantly a parental tone to the piece, like a mother speaking to a child, I think this is evident due to the uncomplicated language used that rounds the poem together.
My draw back is that your rhyming is hit and miss, if this is intentional that is fine, but if you wanted it all to rhyme perhaps you could look over it again.
Well done,
Abby x
I enjoyed this poem!
I'm glad someone else sees the beauty in simplicity!
I must say that something the flow was off, I kept having to re read sentences because they didn't seem to read right.
Might just be the way I read it though!
- Abby x
Such a sweet little poem! I liked how you thought of rhyming back with SWAK, when I opened this page I saw SWAK and didn't think this would work, but it did!
I enjoyed how the poem first started quite childish with "cutie pooh" but then it takes on a more serious and inspirational tone with the last two lines.
My only draw back is that the narrative seems very choppy, the poem goes from a discription to "She closes her letters with a SWAK".
Well done
- Abby x
Again your poem is emotive but needs grammar to set it exactly how you want it to read. The end of a line does not queue the end of the sentence, if this was read from start to finish the reader would run out of breath and possibly pass out!
Read through all your poems out loud and see where you want the pauses and stops to be. If you do this let me know cause I'll re-read them all and give you proper reviews =)
Hey Isabella,
I find that the content of your poem is good yet there seems to be no flow which is easily remedied by some grammar. The poem starts nicely for the first four lines the reader is grabbed then is broken off. However, so many poems are fixed with grammar =) Keep writing
- Abby x
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