Loved this! I was born with naturally curly hair and spent most of my childhood growing up hating my hair so I can completely relate to this! As I start finding a grey here and there, I can also relate to the stress of finding one! Well written and great piece! I enjoyed reading this very much! I don't have any suggestions to change this piece! Thank for sharing your work.
Good piece. It's sad and haunting. I also like and really appreciate how you bring your loss (or character speaking in your poem at least) back to writing. I found that very appropriate for this website and I also find the tie to writing inspiring as well. I don't have any suggestions for changes. Thanks for sharing.
Beautiful piece. Full of imagery. This is a great spiritual piece and I could see this being used in a grief group or a coping/support group. This is well written. I can't think of anything that I would change with this piece, it was very well done. Thank you for sharing your work.
This is a good start. I would like to see more shape and form as seen in poetry. Right now as it is presented it reads like prose and one really long, run-on sentence. In additional to shape and form, some punctuation would also help with the beat and tempo of this work. This is a really good start and a good concept you have though. I would like to see this piece updated. Keep writing. Thank you for sharing your work with the community.
Very entertaining. I appreciate the humor that you put into this. I can see the tree that Skully Jones fell from and I can see a grave with a warning sign that states not to dig up Skully Jones. Great piece. I found your work entertaining and well written. I wouldn't change anything in your work. Thank you for sharing.
Interesting poem. I read this one a couple of times and read the subcontext different ways each time that I read the piece. I found it dramatic as well as emotional and haunting all at the same time. I have no recommendations to change anything in this piece. I enjoyed it quite a bit. Thank you for sharing your work.
You convey some strong emotions in your work. I feel the loss that you are talking about in your work. We have all known the loss of love in one way or another. Very well written. I wouldn't change anything with this piece. I relate strongly to your piece. Thank you for sharing your work.
Very interesting. Great job on telling your story in 99 words. Your imagery is great and you certainly tell a story in such a constrained amount of words. This is definitely not something that would be easy to do! I applaud your accomplishment. I wouldn't change anything in this. Well done and thank you for sharing your work with the writing.com community.
I would call this poetry. It makes me sleepy reading it...but in a good way. I can certainly relate to your subject here. So can anyone who has had insomnia. I can't think of anything that I would change in this piece. Thank you for sharing your work with the community.
Adorable story. You keep the same point of view throughout and the language makes it easy to tell that this is a younger character. I found your story light-hearted and fun. I admit at times the language used made it a bit difficult to read at times. but overall I was able to follow the story line. Thanks for sharing your work with the community.
Good poem. Fall is such an amazing time to write about and so much inspiration. I would like to see this more developed. You have some good imagery. I think this is a good start but would like your concepts more developed in your poem. For me, the tempo is slightly off as well. I look forward to seeing this revised and further developed. I look forward to reading more of your work. Thank you for sharing your work with the community.
A very interesting piece of writing. As the owner of a non $10 watch, I actually find the opposite happening. For example when a 30 day month ends my watch has 31 on the dial and I have to adjust it to the first. Nowadays with the cellular technology, we have big expensive clocks called cell phones that automatically adjust. I found your piece thoughtful with a mix of humor. Most importantly for me, this is not something that I have read before. I appreciate your originality. I would not change anything in this piece. Thank you for sharing your work.
Thank you for sharing your work. This made me laugh and think. You have an interesting take and perspective on this that I appreciated mixed with a sense of humor. Plus you are telling a story that I have not heard before. I appreciate the originality of this piece. This is a great short story. I don't think I would change anything about this story. It does leave one wondering what happens next which is what we all want to accomplish with our writing.
Wow! This is powerful! I'm reading this and crying my eyes out! I am a mom of two kids and my fear has always been their health. I'm also a nurse so I have seen very sick children in my career. They are truly amazing. You capture the spirit of the sick child perfectly as well as the struggle that many parents carry when caring for such a sick child. This piece is amazing. I wouldn't change anything about it. I was so caught in the story that I didn't see anything that I would change about the story.
I think this is a good start. But you go from Tib not knowing what popcorn is in one line to suddenly naming it in the next. This is a place where you can elaborate more on and even expand on Tib discovering his first tastes/bites, listening to the humans talk about what popcorn is when they clean it up, then close your story. I enjoyed reading this piece. It is fun and playful. Great start. I would love to read it again with improvements! Thank you for sharing your work!
Very powerful words. I can feel the emotions that you are trying to convey through your words. There is a lot of hurt behind the words that you have written. Abuse is a hard thing to live through. I commend you for having a voice for the many out there who don't have a voice or can't have a voice. I wouldn't change anything in your piece.
This is a beautiful peace. I love the imagery in your poem. The shape you chose for the piece also adds a lot to the piece. If the piece was left justified it would have a very different feel to it when reading it. As it is the shape almost looks like a tree. I have never heard of this type of poem and I think this will be something I will try myself. I also love the contrast in the two seasons that you have with your words. I can certainly see this tree transitioning from its winter to spring period. Beautiful piece. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Very well done! Haiku is not easy, at least for me it isn't. I lean more towards free verse. So first I commend you for writing in such a structured format. It is well done. I also can envision what you are talking about with your poem, which is very important. I wouldn't change anything. Thank you for sharing your work.
My first reaction is that this is very simplistic, almost too much so, but then I reflected on this for a bit and I can visualize watching someone else dance, or in my case dancing by myself. After thinking about this I appreciate the simplicity to this and I think that is what makes it for me. Thanks for sharing your work!
Very pretty. There is so much symbolism in this poem, whether you meant it to or not. I am a hospice nurse and this rings so true in my work. I would love to share this with my team. I love that taken at face value this is just a flower blooming in the spring and dying in the winter, but the symbolism can be so much deeper and the flower can represent the birth and death of life. Beautiful piece. Thank you for sharing your work!
Very interesting. This is not something that I would normally pick off the shelf to read, but I really enjoyed reading this. You have an interesting twist on relationships and a darker look to something that is usually written about in very frilly happy ways. This was an easy read for me and easy to follow. I have no suggestions for changing anything of this, nor would I change anything.
Thank you for sharing your work.
This piece is very powerful. You definitely capture the spirit of daily life as well as the 4th of July holiday. I enjoyed reading your piece. Initially, I thought you meant to use the word 'vulnerable' instead of 'venerable'. I had to look up the word, which is very appropriate for this piece. Overall I enjoyed the piece.
Thank you for sharing your work.
Great piece of work. I think every adult has those days we want to escape our own lives for "something better". I enjoyed reading your piece. It held my attention and the scene really came to life for me. I can picture, as a parent, locking yourself in the bathroom just to get 2 minutes of piece. I would like to have more inner reaction about Mark and how he ended up with his life the way he did. I think this is a great start and it can develop into a deeper and more detailed story. Overall I enjoyed reading this. Good job.
Thank you for sharing your work.
WOW! And OMG! Very sweet until the end! The ending has quite a punch to the gut, so to speak. Although part of me knew it was coming, I was hoping that wouldn't be the fate for Jamie. This would be a great lead into a longer more complex story as well. I'm blown away. I wouldn't change anything in this. Great job.
Thank you for sharing your work.
Love this! You capture the essence of this so well! I couldn't stop reading this. You held my attention through this entire piece. This is well written and I wouldn't change anything in this. Great job on this. Thanks for sharing your work with us. I look forward to reading more.
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