Good story! I really liked your description of and action in the dream world. Actually, I think that you could make a longer story set here, maybe even with the same character. I think it would be interesting, especially given the temporal issues (time flowing differently) to hear about his struggles in the dream world and then compare them to how he's doing in the "real" world. Anyway, really good story, and I enjoyed it very much.
I think that your story is a very strong statement on the power and danger of technology, and I don't think that it's a far fetched idea. The scariest thought for me was not that terrorists might do something like what you described, but rather that the government would react the way they did in your story.
Good poem. I liked the flow and rhyme scheme and most of all, I liked that it made me laugh (especially: Back at McLowry’s donut shop lacking
The proper poundage he shouldn’t be packing,)
The only line that saw sort of awkward was:
"Then smoking a cigar, he loses consciousness, "
I think it might flow better if you start it with "Smoking" rather than "Then", but that's just a suggestion. Overall, though, I thought it was very good.
It's funny, because I was just thinking, the other day, about how unique Writing.com actually is. You can sign up for free (as noted) and then earn enough Gift Points, just by doing what you wish more people would - reviewing other writers work - and thereby earn enough to actually upgrade your membership. In my experience, this is unheard of. Where else can you "pay" for services with points that the site awards you for doing something you should probably do anyway (after all, you can't expect people to review your work if you won't return the favor). All of this doesn't even take into consideration the Gift Points you can win in contests, or the Gift Points that are given away, in the for of anonymously gifted upgraded memberships. I don't honestly know what else a person could expect, but I for one am grateful and thankful for this site and for all the wonderful, free and otherwise, features.
The writing in this is great and I was really drawn into the story and could relate to the characters. I had no idea, until the end, that Matt was dead. Instead, I thought maybe he was sick and the wife and best friend were arguing over the best way to help him. Because of this, the ending was all the more powerful. I didn't notice any grammatical errors, and the voice of your piece was perfect. I really enjoyed it, despite the sad ending.
I thought this was very powerful and moving. Your descriptions are very vivid. I think that you have captured perfectly the motivation for a desperate act.
Much, much clearer now. I like this version a lot better and everything makes sense to me. The tense issues are cleaned up, but what really helps is the order and the little bit that you added. Very good story! I've changed my rating to reflect my new understanding. Good luck with the contest.
First of all, I really like the style of your writing. I absolutely loved this sentence : "I force down the rest of the day shard by shard." I did find it difficult to follow, and I think there are some tense issues. The flashback scenes to the office are mostly in the present tense, although you do switch to past for parts, and then the scene with the psychiatrist is in the past tense, even though it happens after the office scene. I think that these changes make the narrative of the story difficult to follow. Finally, I didn't understand the the paragraph that starts "She cried when I walked through the door moments after his exit." Is this his wife, and did he see her after the scene in the office? My impression was that he killed his wife and had her blood on him, hence the concerned co-worker who goes to get the boss, who then calls the paramedics. Overall, I think you have the makings of a very good story, but (in my opinion) there needs to be more clarity.
I like this poem a lot and think that you did a good job conveying your message. In particular, the third stanza rang particularly true to me, or maybe I just identified with it. In any case, it moved me, which is what good writing and poetry is meant to do. Good job!
I think that your story is something that many people can identify with because something like this probably happens to everyone at least once. There are a few technical issues. First the first sentence is a run on and needs a period after "November air". Second, you need a comma after "The cramps were unbearable". Additionally, since cramps are plural, I would say "they" instead of "it". Other than that, I really liked your story and thought it had a strong visual impact.
First of all, I am no expert on poetry, so please take my suggestions with a grain of salt. Having said that, I read both versions and preferred the pruned one. I think that you have a great message and really did a good job working it into your poem, although I had to read it twice before I understood what and how the priest was teaching. That's okay though; I think that anything that makes the reader think is good. My only suggestion would be adding a syllable to the first line of this section:
“Please tell me, old priest,” his voice shook the hall,
“where’s heaven and hell in hereafter?”
Perhaps :"Please tell me, old priest," and his voice shook the hall,
I thought this was a really good story. What drew me in was the great imagery of the water tower; I liked the rest of the story as well, but your description was what made me want to read more. I don't know if you have plans for adding to this or not, now that the contest is over, but I think you have a really interesting concept and character that you could develop more, if you so choose. Congratulations on your win!
Good story. I wonder why the power went out, though. Something the dog did, or he just couldn't figure out how to get the TV back on? Either way, you created a lovable protagonist.
I really liked the picture you painted throughout the story. I thought your visuals were great and they really drew me into the story. Just a few suggestions, take them or leave them: "...to and throw", should be "to and fro" and "...whipped and bent", should be "whip and bend", and "He watched only, the boatman...", you could eliminate the "only," and the sentence would flow better. Overall though, good job with some really strong descriptions!
And so the cycle of life continues...I liked this a lot, even though I am not necessarily a hard science fiction fan. I think that you did an amazing job getting so much into so small a space. I hope you do continue this story, or rather expand on parts of it. I think you could even write it as a series, due to the fact that you basically have the whole entirety of time on earth to chose from. Good story!
Hi,
I read the original version for the contest and liked it, but I like the expanded version a lot more. Basically, the added character development really helps make them (and therefore the whole story) more real. I'm glad you put this on the plug page so that I got to see it and read it again.
Good story. I liked the way you built suspense at the start of the story and painted a realistic portrait of flying (having eaten an egg salad sandwich purchased at an airport kiosk, I could relate). Congratulations on your win.
I think you did a good job squeezing so much information and action into so short a story. I think that you have a good start for a much larger piece as well, should you decide to expand on it. Congratulations on your win!
I thought this was really good. In answer to some of your questions on the Plug page, I think that the characters actions make sense, although it would maybe be better if we understood more of what was at stake is she doesn't sacrifice herself. That said, I really think the strength of the story is the relationship with her family and especially her brother, culminating with Jessica's stated desire to live ('I want to hold my brothers hand so he can't cut' was very powerful). The only part I didn't get right away was who Richard was. Jessica refers to her Dad leaving later in the story, so Richard is assumed to be the dad, but if you change it to Dad in the start of the story, there wouldn't be that confusion. Hope this helps. Overall, I really liked it and thought it was a good piece of writing.
I think you wrote a very thoughtful piece about a tough subject. I'm very surprised that you didn't win. I have tried to explain the protesters to my children, especially since there is a group in the city where I live, but don't think they really understood what I was saying. I may just use your writing to help explain it to them. Thanks for sharing!
Todd
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