I love your writing style in this story! Congratulations on winning. This was pretty much a perfect story (I just wish it was longer, which of course it couldn't be since it was for this contest).
Very nice. I like the flow of your poem and especially the surprise at the end! My only suggestion is that I don't think you need a semicolon at the end of this line:
The little girl is just a thief;
I see her every day.
I think a comma would do here. Otherwise, I have no suggestions.
I think you have a good beginning to your story. I did notice that "eleventh old baby" was probably meant "eleven month old baby", but otherwise everything looks good. Keep writing!
Wow. That was very well written, and moving as well. I always find it hard to tell a complete story in so short a space and usually have to skip on some of the descriptions. You didn't have to do that, and your words painted a vivid picture of the tattoo. Good job and congratulations on your win.
There is a nice, nostalgic feel to this. I wish you had chosen a different football example than Staubach, but that's just me (fly, Eagles fly). Anyway, I liked this.
This was really, really good. Very powerful and emotional, but at the same time, the flow was smooth. I liked how you broke up some of the sentences from one stanza to the next. All in all, this was wonderful and moving. You should submit this somewhere for publication. Hope you had a good holiday season.
Good contest! I'm surprised at the number of answers at either extreme (62 one's and 39 five's). I hope the one's don't really think that. I have yet to read anything that I would rate a one (except for the deliberately bad poetry). Anyway, I thought this was interesting.
I'm not sure, really, how to review a piece like this. The writing was good, and you managed to convey some very strong and raw emotions, which couldn't have been easy to do. I hope that you get the healing you are looking for, even if your father never says those words - or anything like those words - to you. I hope that you believe them anyway, even though they came from you and not him. They are still true.
I like your story, and think that you struck a very strong emotional chord while maintaining a realistic scenario. The only part that I thought didn't flow well was the following:
"He was my brother. I go out there every day ready to take a bullet for another badge, do you think I would do less for my flesh and blood? Besides, he had you and your mom." He shrugged. "What do I got?"
First of all, I would separate the second sentence and make it two by putting a period after badge. Second, I thought that "What do I got?" seemed out of character for Jared. He seems to be educated, and is more likely to say "have" instead of "got. Also, the self pity seems out of character (maybe not that he felt it, but that he said it). I realize that you need it to set up the ending, but since Jared seems to be a straight shooter, I could see him saying it more like, "I don't have anything" or something like that. This, obviously, is just my opinion; you know your characters better than I do.
Wow! I wish that more people (of any religion) were as open and honest with their beliefs, and more importantly, were as open minded with their beliefs. I truly believe that the world would be a better place. As for your belief that Jesus was influenced by Buddhism, I think that you are correct. There are many similarities between Jesus' words and the Buddhist teachings. You wrote a very insightful letter to your friends, and I hope that they responded positively. Thanks for sharing.
Congratulations! I hope you're feeling better. This was another really good story, and you deserved to win. I really like your style of writing, and some of the things you write just blow me away. This sentence is one of those: "It made her feel like sunshine leaked into every crevice." Awesome!
I like the flow of your narrative, and the idea of seeing these events from the eyes of the cross. What I liked about the story most was the mystery in the beginning, where we aren't sure who or what the story is about. Once we see the manger scene, and the mystery was revealed, I was still interested to see where you went with the story. I think that you did a good job with this.
I think that this is a very good poem. Your analogy is very strong, and I like the way that you show that the pain of life can come and go and then even when you think you are healed, there's always the danger of something coming along and ripping the scab off so that the pain starts anew. Very good.
I thought this was a sad poem, but I liked the imagery. My only suggestion would be to change the first "of" to "to" in this line: "of a time of smiles". Good job!
Hi. Congratulations on a very well written story. I like the characters you created here (even the no-so-likable ones) and actually would have liked to see more of them. I think that your trailer park has the makings for a much longer story, with or without Abby Lane. My only suggestion for this story would be that you explain how the trailer is still unoccupied after a year. Generally speaking, the land in a trailer park is not owned by the people who live there, and there is a monthly "lot rent". If there was nobody making these payments, the lot (and possibly the trailer, as back payment) would return to the park owner and be leased to someone else. I think this is a small detail, and it didn't detract from the story, but I thought I'd mention it anyway. Overall though, I think you have a very strong and ultimately uplifting story.
I thought this was a clever take on the prompt and an apt title. I do have one suggestion. The paragraph listed below seems to be redundant, as it follows this sentence: "Although, the few that saw anything claimed it was the Providers."
The most recent abductions happened just over a week ago. Again a large number were taken at night. Eye witnesses reported that it was the Providers, but could not substantiate the claim with any evidence.
I think you could eliminate the paragraph and the story would flow better. Good luck in the contest!
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