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14 Public Reviews Given
14 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Internal Beauty  
Review by WalkingTestimony
Rated: E | (3.0)
I can see the depth and purpose of this story and believe it to have the potential to achieve your goals with some minor adjustments.
I find that the principles that the story alludes to, conflict with the encouragers words and the protagonists thoughts. For one thing, the queen of make up doesn't perform any mean or negative actions against anyone, as a matter of fact her actions evoke more empathy because it seems that she is making efforts to not just depend on her looks by even coming to the library trying to fit in to an intellectual setting. Either add some conflict instigated by her or go easy on her knowing that the two individuals although coming from opposite ends of the spectrum strive for similar goals. The beauty striving for intellectual acceptance and the intellect striving for aesthetic acceptance.

By having the main character look at the queen of makeup as a hideous thing, makes it sound simply of jealousy since the beauty queen does not do or say anything negative of her in this piece. Also, assuming it is true that beauty is only skin deep then the protagonist should be encouraged to accept herself as she is and in turn everyone else equally. This gives a deeper meaning, by the end she should be able to wipe her tears and walk back in with a smile and renewed joy beaming from her that now gains the same attention as the appearance of the beauty queen.

Here are the errors I found:
Para 1 5th sentence " "...concentrating in...." was the word "in" intentional or should it be "on"?
Para 2 Last Sentence "...this type of girls" should be "..these types of girls" or "..this type of girl"
Para 3 1st sententce "...focussed" should be focused
Para 5 "...her self ego" omit "self"
Para 6 omit last two words "...for granted"





Overall I see that the antagonist is the queen of makeup.
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Review of Love's Token  
Review by WalkingTestimony
Rated: E | (3.5)
I can tell this poem was from your heart because I am able to relate based on my own experience with a past love and heartbreak. I admire your passion and liberty in opening up to share your pain through poetry.

As I have been told and come to believe it is best to leave out unnecessary words and I see that rings true in this poem. hopefully you will notice the following changes give this piece a better flow without changing the meaning:

3rd stanza : "Time we filled with sun and rain"
"I'll never regret playing the game."
4th stanza "You played well, expert at hearts"
"You made love, incredible art"
5th stanza "My heart was in chains, rusted and blocked"
"With only a whisper, you melted the lock"
6th stanza "Set free and yearning to give you my all"
"Rushed in too fast to avoid the fall"
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