Hi Alleycat,
I like this folktale sort of story and always enjoyed indian myths. Only a bit of the punctuation needs fixing-some commas don't belong-but it looks really good. It has a bit of a textbook feel to it though. Maybe you can add more reactions from the tribe to personalize it more, also identify the person telling the story, like an indian telling his children a myth about their ancient neighbors. Try to personalize it as much as you can to affect more emotion. I like your ancient earth people story. It's fun to imagine. Especially if you suggested it was the vikings who came over all that time ago, without actually saying vikings but describing them well enough to be recognized. I always have fun reading something that I get to guess at.
Hi Alleycat,
I think what you have here is a great outline of a story. All the instances where you're saying this happened, then that happened-instead you should turn all those into separate scenes. Don't tell us it happened, I want to see it. Describe to me the horror the townspeople felt as they discovered the gutted dog, show the scene where the shopkeeper is watching his friend die, and I want to see the friend's nasty sickness and death-all of this adds to the horror. This has good potential to be a scary story, but it isn't scary unless readers can see all this happening in their heads. Stretch out every piece of suspense and every gruesome scene. Picture it all happening and then write what you see. Feel the terror and then put that into your characters.
Your setting description is good and so is your dialogue, but you need to use the correct punctuation. Use quotations to separate the dialogue from the rest of the writing. It was harder to read because you left this out. I had to take time to figure out where one person's words ended, another's began, and even when the'd stopped talking and you were narrating again. All that can be fixed with proper punctuation and grammar. If you're unsure how to place all of that, then grab a fiction novel and see how the author used punctuation. Or if you want detailed instruction, then pick up a grammar book from the store. You have a storytelling talent, but to tell a good story others need to be able to read it the right way. Invest in grammar and punctuation and show, don't tell, then you'll have a nice horror story that I'd love to check out again.
Alta Raya
Sounds to me like the poem is about loneliness, remembrance of a past love, the confusion of whether or not that person felt the same about them, and a wish to slip away from all that pain. I definitely like it. Is my perspective rational, or do you have no idea where I came up with that explaination? Haha, I'm interested to know. Either way, it made me think, and that's what a poem should do.
I have a similar poem entitled What Am I? A lot of people have had fun guessing at its meaning. Check it out and tell me what you think.
Alta Raya
HI,
I love the visuals and perfect wording. As a fantasy writer, I think I have a lot to learn from you and I'm definitely going to check out your other postings. I've been trying to expand my own vocabulary of descriptive words, and your writing was a perfect example of beautiful ACTIVE description. In a few amount of words you painted a world that I'd love to know more about.
Thanks for the example,
Alta Raya
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, though I have to admit I didn't expect to. A haunted fun house is pretty cliche, but I enjoyed the voice of the narrator and the other characters. I like the style of the writing and there's only two things I think would improve the story. The suspense could be increased by mentioning what has happened in the past that has made people think the fun house is haunted. Also, the horror aspect could be downright terrifying if you added some visual clues that something murderous had happened to the others. Maybe some blood or hair he stumbles upon. I wasn't really sure it wasn't a prank up until the very end-and that sort of took the suspense out of it for me. But overall-really good writing. I'd like to check out your other stories.
I like the picture you're trying to portray, but I think you could draw out and intensify the suspense better. Try less detail and more reaction, and give her nightmare more of a dreamy feel to it. I want to feel her terror and I didn't. Less detail let's the reader imagine more-and usually what is imagined is worse than description. Intensify the mood, have her dwell longer on the bloody pictures and react more, have her on the brink of a total freak out as the guy is moving towards her. I think if you can do that then I'd definitely want to read the whole story. I'm going to check out your first two chapters because I am interested in it.
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