An outstanding poem. Very good flow, nice balance between addictives and verbs. Only 3 commas in the entire poem. A clear representation of a bubble. I would add some underlying meaning, for example, a relationship between the bubble and the world. 5 strars
elaborate more at "anxiety" and "society", there is a rough transition and also abrupt transition at "she was a brother". you kind of left me hanging there.
only 3 commas are used in the whole poem.
you go from 3 lines to 2 to 4 to back to 2 lines, restructure for symmetry and also it will be easier to read
Wow, I was speechless for few minutes
After your poem and your last two lines
You carried me through
made me think of my own experiences too
The title should be changed to "Broken Dreams"
This is a very well written poem, if there is a tiny contribution I could offer it would be to try writing about NOT Dark, but rather the opposite. I understand this is a dark poem, but perhaps you could try seeing it from my point of view. When I read your poem I was submerged into your world. You had about dozen questions, but only 2 answers i.e. last 4 lines. Instead, If I could offer you dozen answers and only 2 questions.
For Example:
It is true
The sky is blue
This life is great
And that is my fate
It has given me a chance to challenge myself
and made me realize that I am one happy hen
I see greatness everywhere
I will make it anywhere
Is it here for long time?
and the question is why?
Again, with all due respect, this is only a tiny contribution. Your poem is 5 stars and it is superb!!!
Wow! Very good read! I enjoyed it. Keep on writing. I like your consistency of 2 lines per thought. And I like the overall flow, nicely done. As if I am there in that Eternal conversation myself. Not much use of "I" or "my". Ending is superb. 5 stars.
A good poem with only one comma; either take it out for consistency Or add more punctuation . I would also elaborate on "might fall in love" part it's a bit vague I know it's hard to describe falling in love, but you had my attention all through out the poem until that part where It kind of all fell apart for me.
Lengthy introduction, but overall a good story. Neatly presented and ending is ok. I would much rather see more action and less on old boss. And there are a lot of "I"s and "My"s throughout the passage. Great Structure and clear delivery. Would like to read more.
It is a bit boring, nothing is happening. I would read it if only if this is part of something amazing in between. And I am not sure as to what is the purpose of this writing. Perhaps description of work environment? But the bigger question is why write what you wrote? Answer the WHY to yourself, then write.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/amson123
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.20 seconds at 2:39am on May 04, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
