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32 Public Reviews Given
108 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of My Plague  
Review by April_Baby10
Rated: E | (5.0)
Not only is this topic one with which most writers can identify, but I like the clever way it is presented -- in poetry form with a sense of voice with whom we can identify.

I think the other strength in this poem comes from the easy flow of rhythm and natural sense of rhyming. Not everyone can achieve such a wonderful flow of words.

Your choice of words is also excellent. I particularly like "vexed," "plagued," "abound," and "pen" used as a verb.

Grammatically, of course, I would like to see some punctuation, but considering the topic, I find the shortness of the lines makes it not only easy to read but it coordinates with writer's block in the sense these are mere thoughts of someone who has block and technically is not really writing, if that makes sense. I would like, however, if you would correct the spelling of one word to "cannot;" other than that, it is fine.

Overall, this poem is excellent. Congratulations on such a wonderful piece.
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Review by April_Baby10
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like your ideas that are expressed in the poem, Sean. I especially like the first four lines that seem like a unique view of what thoughts consist. I also like some of your word choices such as backwashed, inconsistent, reinvented, collide, and suffocated.

I would like, however, to see you use punctuation, and I also would like you to check spelling. It should be "memories" (plural, not possessive). Rewritten and reinvented are one word -- you can check them at dictionary.com if you don't have a dictionary at home. The phrase should also be "used to." Use commas or end marks at the end of your lines unless they flow into the next one -- for example:
Thoughts collide in timeless lines;
My looking glass full of laughs and trials.
Backwashed,
Inconsistent,
Now just memories to feel
A little closer to something
That yesterday felt real.
I don't think inside the colours;

etc.

Once again, your ideas are excellent and you're painting a vivid picture with your words. If you correct your grammatical mistakes and add punctuation, I think your poem would be more effective. I hope this helps in some small way.

Cindy
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3
Review by April_Baby10
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really like the tone in this melancholoy poem, Tim -- the speaker is filled with sadness, but takes the diagnosis as if he is numb and unemotional, just the way I envision a person with seasonal depression would react, all the while noticing the small details surrounding him in his world. I like the matter-of-factness without the hysterical drama, as well as the acceptance that he can get through this if he patiently waits. As anyone who has experienced a type of depression and recovered knows, the dark, hovering cloud, or in this case, white, chilling snow will remain for a time afterwards.

Your choice of words for description are excellent. You explain the speaker's state of mind so well in the second stanza. Your poem flows well and fits the topic with no grammar errors to distract.

Overall, a wonderfully descriptive poem with just the right tone. Thank you for sharing.
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Review of More Lysol!  
Review by April_Baby10
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What a diabolically clever and humorous writer you are, Ben Langhinrichs! I liked your twisted sense of humor in this one, especially the little note at the bottom -- tres amusant, Monsieur!

You may not have spent more than half an hour on the poem, but it's ingeniously crafted and flows well -- you must have a good ear for rhythm patterns, and you seem to have talent oozing out your fingertips, as well as the creative gene to concoct a story. The rhyme feels natural, and the only suggestion I have is change your typo "obessed" to "obsessed," unless that's a new word I've not encountered in my lovely Webster's.

Thank you for sharing as well as entertaining.
5
5
Review of Nature's Band  
Review by April_Baby10
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a beautiful tribute to all the sounds of nature! I loved your comparison to a musical band -- it shows your appreciation of the sounds in nature that many others take for granted.

Your poem flows well -- like the topic, it seemed natural, and therefore, quite appropriate. The structure, again like things in nature, was symmetrical as well as pleasing, plus there were no grammar errors to distract the reader.

I liked your word choices. They enabled you to accurately and vividly describe the scene.

Parts of the poem I liked include all the comparisons and references to a performance, such as "the leaves chimed in," "the trees all took their bow," "The sun proffered stage lights,j" and "I was honorary guest, front stage."

Thank you so much for such a beautiful tribute to the small, but magnifcent parts of life we often don't notice.

Cindy
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Review of In The Closet  
Review by April_Baby10
Rated: E | (5.0)
I have to say I like everything about this poem, Doohap.

First of all, I like your description of Writer's Block and it's comparison to being locked in a closet with a massive, locked door, almost boulder and mountainous-like, chiseled from granite which cannot be budged by any method -- great metaphor! I also like the ending -- I think it shows everyone there might be more than one solution to a problem and it's sometimes something easily overlooked. It also gives hope to all writers who face such a daunting obstacle in their paths sometimes.

Your structure, although asymmetrical, works well for this particular piece, lending credence to the speaker's thoughts by seeming natural. It flows smoothly.

I like your word choices. They're descriptive, yet apt.

The one thing I think you might give some consideration to is changing the title. You give away the ending of the poem in the title. I actually prefer something like "Writer's Block."

Thank you for sharing and putting words to the thoughts that a writer sometimes faces. Excellent job!
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Review by April_Baby10
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really like this poem and the beauty it captures.

Your description, like the poem, is beautiful -- an artistic canvas created by words. I especially like the simile in the opening two lines, comparing the sky and lingerie. Your phrases "mighty oak dip to kiss," "draped around shafts and knees of cypress," and "punctured...by painted muzzles with yellow-ringed eyes," paint an incredible visual by your word choices as well as attention to detail.

I honestly think the word "plasticine" seems quite out of place in this poem, especially when encompassed by the rest of your words which suggest natural beauty; plasticine is something man-made. The word is not drawing attention to anything, so should blend in with the rest of your words. I would choose something more appropriate and fitting here -- there are many choices that would work.

The other thing that I think you should consider changing is the line breaks. Why, for instance at the ending, did you end two of the lines with the preposition "by," separating them from the rest of their prepositional phrase, when earlier in the poem (:"of early-morning mist," for one example), you didn't? I think the form should be the same in this case.

"Silver-arched" is the same as "yellow-ringed," and should contain a hyphen. "Moss green," on the other hand, is simply a color and doesn't need one (check out the Webster's Collegiate Dictionary and it will show you a listing for moss green).

Overall -- great job! You are a talented word artist :)
Cindy
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Review of MY DOMAIN  
Review by April_Baby10
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really like your content, Smithy -- your message is an excellent one. The form suits this particular poem with the stanzas of two, rhyming lines. I also like Mother Nature's voice. Great Job!

You have no major grammatical gltiches, except for a few wee ones I'd like to see fixed. "Then" is an adverb, not a conjunction as a lot of people seem to use it, so I would like to see at least a comma after "poke" in the second stanza. "You want it use it" bothers me in the second stanza -- if you're really saying "If you want it, use it.
put a comma after "want it." (Otherwise, the only other option is a question mark after "want it" -- if not, it's a run-on.) In Stanza 5 "bones" is plural so it should be "There are only bones."

A couple of places the rhythm's a bit off -- read it aloud and I think you can hear where you could make a couple of adjustments; otherwise, it flows fairly well. (Stanza 5, for one example, could you take out "that"?) If you like the near rhyme in the last stanza which is quite acceptable in poetry, leave it. If you're looking for an exact one, you could possibly change "We'll do it again" to "Can't you refrain?" What do you think? Which way do you like it? The second stanza is past tense; the third is present. Did you mean it to be past and then currently or not?

Overall, this is a great poem. You did a nice job. It really makes the reader stop and think about what Mother Nature must be thinking herself and what we should be thinking about our society and how it deals with such issues.

Good luck on your contest. Write on!
Cindy
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Review of Drunken ramble  
Review by April_Baby10
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I love the content and love the humor, but please fix the small, but annoying, grammatical errors, so you will have a most beautiful, perfect poem. It's a great poem -- you did a fantastic job with it. It flows snoothly, reflects the feelings accuately of someone "tanked," and the rhyme doesn't seem contrived.

If you want me to list the grammatical errors, I will be glad to send them to you. If you don't care about those, no problem. Grammatical errors detract from the overall impression, in my humble opinion.

Congratulations on a great poem!
Cindy
10
10
Review of PURPLE BUTTERFLY  
Review by April_Baby10
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hauntingly beautiful poem! I really liked it -- it grips you, and although it's sad in many ways, you want to see if there's closure at the end. The only suggestion I have is that I would prefer to see more punctuation -- commas, dashes, etc. You are a very talented writer and storyteller. Thank you so much for sharing, and keep writing.
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Review of The Dungeon  
Review by April_Baby10
Rated: E | (4.0)
A great memory! I like your images and comparison of the basement to a dungeon -- it works well and gives the piece the proper atmosphere and creepy setting as seen by a youngster. I especially liked the imagery in the fourth paragraph.

If you correct your minor mechanical errors, the piece would be so much better. I know it's a picky point, but I think little mechanical errors detract from the overall effect and they are fairly easy to correct. So, if you don't mind some suggestions to make your work even better -- check your spellings -- it's easy to run spell check in Word or Works. Words that need corrected in this piece include medieval, guarded, nobody, remodeled and curious. You also have some sentence structure errors -- if you really want me to explain them, just e-mail me. (Here are the corrected ones for example: Our house was never empty -- either my younger brother or sister would usually have friends around to harass me for being half naked, or my dad and his friends wouldn't notice I was half naked so they would stop me to ask about my affairs." "After going around the corner past ramshackle stacks of furniture long forgotten, you made it to the entrance of the bulkhead.") Put some commas in where they belong, especially after introductory, subordinate clauses, or introductory words (4th p. "...cellar door," "Finally," "...next to the shower," "just out of reach," "As years went on," "after remodeling," "As for the basement,") Other little grammatical errors --1st paragraph: "of eleven or twelve" /4th paragraph: its instead of it's -- it's means it is and you don't mean that -- you mean possession. "The soap and shampoo were" is correct, not "was" since the subject is plural. Use "an," not "and" in the last sentence of the 4th p. And, last, but not least, you have an unlcear antecedent -- what is the second "it" in the following sentence -- the shower? If so, say the shower -- "It is even possible that it still hides in the dungeon collecting mold and waiting on some unsuspecting curuios and dirty child."

I hope these small things help. Your ideas are wonderful. I'm not sure you really need the opening paragraph though -- what do you think? Is it necessary? You do realize, of course, that you bring this memory to life through the eyes of a youngster, and this memory would make the beginning of a lovely book of memories to share with relatives who may have been to your house while you were growing up, or a great reminiscence for future generations of your family. I think writing like this is absolutely priceless. Good job! I hope you continue with your writing. You're very talented. :)
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Review by April_Baby10
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I love the idea for your poem -- excellent choice. I like the description and what you wrote about the tree. Your appreciation shines through your words.

If you want some constructive comments, I would edit the second stanza -- it's the only one out of the six with five lines. (Could you not combine the 3rd and 4th lines and correct the fifth to "Her humming voice, her rhythmic tunes./ Are but a gentle whistle in the wind.")? Also, the word "of" in the 3rd stanza's last line should be "off." In the last stanza how about this change? "She is the tree at the bottom of my garden,/More than a four letter word./
Lovingly, she holds out her arms,/
And embraces all the world." "But not just a four letter word" equates the tree with something about which to cuss, whereas "more than a four letter word" sounds more to me like it's more than just a tree -- it's something special. Does that make sense?

I like the personification -- it gives the tree personality and depth. Keep up the excellent work.
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