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366 Public Reviews Given
675 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Honest and critical reviews offered. I look at all components of story-telling: setting, dialogue, characterization, conflict and resolution. I will not generally do a line-by-line edit, though I will point out minor errors. If a piece needs a complete rewrite for grammar and spelling I will tell you so. I do not sugar-coat. I try to be insightful and will offer honest suggestions where I think are necessary.
Favorite Genres
horror, comedy, romance, erotica, drama, emotional
Least Favorite Genres
spiritual or religious
Public Reviews
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Review by jabberwocky
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I found this to be an interesting bit of musing. I'm not very educated: I probably learned that cell renewal happens every seven years and then forgot, otherwise I never learned it. The whole concept of getting upgraded every seve years is indeed fascinating. I like your comparison to humans in their retirement process, the gold watch and all. This writing here flows perfectly, there is no grammar or spelling issues that I noticed. Just an interesting little article on the process of cell renewal and aging. A contemplative read, thank you.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (4.5)
I lovely poem about the difficulting in expressing the depth of one's affection. I found your literary references interesting, they add to the poem and it's meaning (at least if you are familiar with the work of cummings and Shakespeare). I love the line that references not knowing "where you end and I begin". That in itself is such a beautiful expression of deep love. I also like the idea of being comfortable from the start--it lends that kind of soul mate feel to the piece.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (4.0)
A poem about finding one's way out of the darkness into the light of spirituality. My favorite lines in this poem are in the first stanza, "darkness my flag and ruin my badge". The language flows easily and the piece is overall inspirational in its message. I really like how it ends, with you speechless, showing the power that faith has had over you.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Life Eternal  
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I LOVED this story. Brad is innocently awaiting his dentist appointment when he meets a mysterious stranger that offers him an incredible deal. The plot of this story is totally original, and I was hooked from the opening.

Regarding characterization I don't get a deep look into Brad's persona, except he seems disturbed by the presence of the monk, and is impatient for his appointment. But the other character is fully fleshed out, vividly described and has a memorable way of delivering his dialogue. Dialogue overall was so natural that it was a delight to read, and expressed the characters well and moved the story forward. Setting wasn't particularly over-imagined, but was sufficient enough. Perhaps more use of the senses could have been incorporated. Grammar and spelling is excellent. There is one sentence: LIfe sat down and gestured for Brad to do the same -- as you can see there is an extra capital in the word life there. Speaking of which, that part where he says life eternal and is corrected--I flat out laughed aloud.

The gem of this story is how Brad made his decision so seemingly lightly, as so many would presented with such a dilemma only to ask the pertinent questions later. Conflict was presented and resolved brilliantly. I loved the ending.

Because I think a little more work could be done on the setting I would normally rate this 4.5 but I loved the concept and presention so much I'm just gonna give it a five.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (3.5)
A sad poem, about the loss of love, tinged with bitterness at that it's gone. My favorite line is "and the blue that shone like the moon I pine for". I feel this could be a powerful poem with the addition of more use of metaphor/simile. But overall I feel the sense of heartbreak, and have certainy been there and relate to it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a delightful poem with a wistful airy quality to it. A lullaby almost. I like the simplicty of your language here, it is powerful yet visual. The last stanza particularly is my favorite, summing up with lovely references to moon, clouds, branches your gentle command of the wind.
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Review of Autumn  
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (4.0)
A lovely ode to autumn. You have some great imagery, and I love how you use the feeling of autumn to address a certain nostalgia as seen in my favorite lines, "Awakening memories/ashes of yesterday." I'd never heard of this poetic form before, I had to look it up. If it matters to you, your third line has seven syllables as opposed to six. I enjoyed this poem, and learning about a new form. Thank you for sharing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Between Him And I  
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (4.0)
I poem about committing sin in life, living as one would without regard to consequence. A relationship between a person and God, and how it is personal, that the writer will live as they please until God's judgement is placed on them. This poem is a good one to read aloud--once one does the subtle rhyme really comes out. There isn't a specific rhyme scheme or meter, but it does flow nicely. There were no grammatical errors that I spotted. well done and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of HELLO  
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (3.5)
Here we have a story of a man who, while doing his regular jogging, comes to meet an elderly woman named Ann. As time goes on, he comes to know her better, and gain an appreciation for the lives and stories the elderly experience. It gives him a better relationship with his own mother. My favorite part about this story is how the character of David evolves over time, until we get to the ending which is moving, and I absolutely love.

The dialogue in the story is good, and comes off natural.

There is some work put into the setting, I think maybe you could add a little more and it wouldn't hurt--engaging all the senses, not just sight.

Characterizataion is the best part of this story. I get a real feel for both David and Ann, though I wouldn't mind being privy to more of their conversation.

The biggest problem with this story is in punctuation. There's missing punctuation, like quotation marks, run-on sentences connected by commas that really should just be made into two sentences to pack more punch. I would generally copy and paste them here to show you, but there's a lot of instances like this, and I think if you go over it with a fine-toothed comb in a rewrite you'll see what I mean. Here are a couple of things I am specificaly taking note of though:

I offered her to take her shopping or walk her home but she always refuses.
--should just read: I offered to take her shopping . . .

not because I was out of breath but because what I was afraid of what happened.
--not because I was out of breath, but because I was afraid of what happened

I went for a run and I stopped when I saw and elderly man with a cane sitting at Ann's bench. --stopped when I saw (an) elderly man

Overall, I really enjoyed this story. I would rate it four stars except for the editing that needs to be done. Feel free to let me know if you rewrite, I will go over it again. Thank you so much for sharing, and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by jabberwocky
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Oh. My. God. LOL. I literally rolled around laughing until tears came from my eyes after reading this. It's absolute perfection. A poem of a farmer trying to sell his wares to a possible customer with unexpected results. This poem consists of a series of couplets in perfect iambic pentameter, brava! It gives it a perfect rhyme and rhythm, and flows so easily it makes the subject matter all the more fun to read. I'm in total awe. A delightful dirty little piece of poetry, that is nothing short of joy-inspiring. Thank you so much for the laugh. I couldn't possibly offer any suggestions. I'd rate it 6 stars if I could. Well done!!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by jabberwocky
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What a moving story to be told in less than three hundred words! You completely got me with this one. A story about Robbie, told in the third person predominantly from the perspective of his mother. Robbie is on his way to a ceremony--graduation I presume due to his age and the importance of the event, and we are given insight into his mother's observations.
There is little dialogue, but what exists is fine. There is a level of characterization that could be fleshed out a little more if you choose to go back and elongate this story, but I get a feeling for Robbie and his mother both. There isn't much attention given to setting, but again, I realize this was written as flash fiction, so it's just something to consider if you decide to add to this story--which is good--I think you should. The conclusion of the story surprised me, and as a mom punched me right in the gut--no mean task for something so short. There were no grammatical errors that I spotted, composition is good. Really, I just want more of this! I enjoyed it, thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by jabberwocky
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
So this is one of the most original things I've ever read on this site. You really put a lot of work and imagination into describing how to harvest Demon Spiders. (And here I didn't even know they existed lol).

This is a complete manual on how to hunt, stun, secure, and harvest for valuable parts, the Demon Spiders in Hell. After reading it I feel I would never do such a thing, as it sounds exceedingly dangerous, though profitable. You go into great detail on the anatomy of the Spiders, and each of the steps it takes to become a Demon Spider butcher. I applaud all the attention you gave to every step of the process. It reads very professional, and like it could be published for use tomorrow. The writing is dry, the subject weird and fascinating, and I thoroughly got a kick out of it.

Just some quick grammatical errors:

Your average adventurers trip into Hell
--adventurer's

You can’t do this in a quilted doubled and laced leather trousers.
--do you mean doublet?

It takes a spiders entire lifetime to push and weave it
--spider's

The exact diameter of a spiders axx will change between
spider's

With thirty two holes
thirty-two

In nature, the spider must weave the silk as its excreted,
--it's

Hunting, securing and harvesting a single Demon Spider is far easier than slashing ten to death. Yet, it’s immeasurably more profitable.
--This says it's easier to harvest a spider than to kill it. Is that what you meant to say? Because your manual implies the opposite.

third paragraph from the bottom needs a space between it and the next

Overall, I really enjoyed the creativity of this piece. Great job and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (3.0)
A poem I think a lot of couples could relate to. I feel tempted to read it to my husband I relate to it so much, lol. While it doesn't have a specific meter or rhyme signature to it the rhyme that does exist here flows and there is a sort of rhythm to the poem. A poem about how some couples simply don't relate to each other sometimes, and can be very different, but that it doesn't mean it can't work out. It's a piece full of hope. I particularly like the first two stanzas the most.

light hearted
--should be hyphenated light-hearted

A solid poem, thank you for sharing your work!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (4.0)
A poem with good flow in a couplet rhyme scheme that works well for the piece. You paint quite the image of an old tree, still standing though no longer living. The whole piece maintains an appropriate nostalgia for the subject matter, I think. I particularly like the first and last stanzas.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Silent Witness  
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
A story about a very old house that holds a myriad of secrets from over the centuries. The language is is lovely. It has almost a haunting quality to it, which is well-suited to the piece.

There is no dialogue as it was written for a no dialogue contest. Setting is everything here, and it’s very atmospheric.

In the end the house desires to expel its secrets. I wonder if the symptoms of this expulsion are meant to seem like a haunting? Because that’s how I read it.

It was very well-written with only a couple errors I noticed:

It has breathed those secrets in and soaked them up, letting them sink all the way down to it's (its) foundations where they have become somewhat of a murky malevolent mess.

So many of the seas (sea's) depths have yet to be explored. Those secrets are quite safe there.


Overall, a solid piece. I think it could be expanded to include some specific stories about the house perhaps. An example of those adulterous whispers, or bloodshed. I think it would bring it to life even more, make the experiences of the house more vivid.
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Review by jabberwocky
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I'm torn about this piece. The first three stanzas I liked. I thought the repetitive phrases you chose to use were effective.

However, the next three stanzas didn't seem to adequately encompass the feeling I think were trying to reveal. Perhaps it was just the word selection, or perhaps the repeating themes of 'my mind, my heart, my soul' just became tired by the forth stanza.

A professor once told me to try and avoid certain words within poetry, and in such, you will avoid the certain tired connotations certain words carry. A couple of these words were "innocent" and "heart". Then again, I read the poem aloud, and still, I like it. I dunno. I don't think it's fantastic, but I definitely think it's better than average work. To be perfectly honest, in rereading it, I'm not sure what suggestions for improvement I could give you. My apologies.

Oh! and the last line doesn't seem in keeping with the rest of the poem for some reason.

All around, a pretty good piece. Write on!

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Review of Take Me There  
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This is actually pretty good. I like the way you've combined opposites and conflicting images and words such as:

"Make me brave and make me quiver"

and

"Make me feel not alone, yet set me free."

These are strong contradictions that give your poem a unique flair. There are also some pretty major cliches though, that I think once you cut them and find more origional words/images/similes to express them, will make the poem more effective. A couple examples of these so you know what I'm talking about:

"Let me feel what it's like to fly"

and

"I hold you close as we ride there, together."

NOt a bad piece of work at all, jsut a little tweaking, some analyzation of certain phrases, and it can be improved. Well done!

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Review of If I Asked  
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Again, this is a piece that's well written. But again, it lacks that certain power to just grab me, take my breath away. Part of the reason for that reaction in this piece, could be the use of certain phrases, like:
"If I begged you sweetly" or "If I asked you softly"

The use of adverbs as modifiers in this context weaken the voice. Better would just be, "If I begged you". 'Begged' is a strong word, accompanied by a strong image.

It could also just be a personal preference, but I've always thought skillful use of analogies, similes and metaphor make a poem more thrilling. Not to knock the power of simple language in poetry, but I think with some of the other added to spice it up, it would be more effective, more unique.

As it stands, I do like your choice of subject matter. An offering of oneself, but not completely, an exressed desire of temporary love for contact, without the strings. I can relate to it! lol.

Not bad at all.

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Review of Never Love A Poet  
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (3.0)
I'm curious, is this an actual poetic form? Seems kind of like a less complicated version of the villanelle.

Anyway, I like the purpose of the piece. There is that whole theme of the poet being too intense, as they say of us, (and also too greatly victims of depression, lol), to be tolerable for long in a relationship.

I like the idea of the moon 'witnessing' the path of the relationship. But something about the piece fails to move me. It feels too soft, and I think it's the first lines of the first three stanzas: the couple does this, they do that, etc . . . that isn't effective enough for the piece to emmanate with the poignancy you were going for, I think.

Often when a piece is well-written, as this is, I find it hard to pinpoint exactly what about it doesn't grab me. That's rather the case with this piece. It could be what I mentioned, or something else that's just eluding me. Regardless, it's just my opinion and should be taken with a grain of salt.

Write on!

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Review by jabberwocky
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Whoa! Holy Smokes! Is this true? Like really really true, or some kind of good-hearted birthday prank or somethinng that I missed? Are you really the SM's Mom?

Wow, you definitely must be proud! What an interesting couple past years, eh?

Anyway, this is a wonderful tribute to a daughter, and any woman would be lucky to have such delightful things said about her.

There's that double punctuation thing, but I've already mentioned this to you regarding a prior piece. Normally I cringe at colored writing too, but since this seemed to be written more as a birthday card, it's perfectly acceptable.

A lovely thing to do for your daughter!



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Review of Not Me  
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
All around, I'm sure this was an inspiring speech. You said your experiences have encouraged other women to take their tests regularly, and that is wonderful. It's commendable that you've taken the steps you have to bring your own experiences to the public, as a community service.

As for the writing of this itself, I understand that it's a compilation of journal entries, and I usually make a habit of not correcting journals, because they are so personal. Since this has been compiled into one article, though, here are a couple minor suggestions.

*Bullet*CANCER! CANCER!!

--- Double punctuation is never correct grammar. If you wish to stress a word, pick whichever punctuation mark is appropriate and put the stressed words in italics.

*Bullet*After yet another pap test which they went deeper into the wall of the cervix, I was told I had cervical cancer.

--- The use of the word 'which' here sounds awkward. I suggest changing it to 'where' or rephrasing the sentence.

*Bullet*Dr. Grill tried to reassure me that I was in such an early stage that a D&C should take care of the cancer

--- Now I'm curious, being cervical cancer ignorant, what is a D&C? There are probably a few other people out there who would like to know that too, since you mention it here. 'course, I could be alone in being an uneducated moron, lol.

All around, it's not bad. I'm pretty sure you have other cancer-related pieces in here, so I don't know how important this specific one is to you, especially considering its point was primarily in being a speech. But if you wanted to significantly improve it for a reader, I think you could make it more personal. I can believe the predominant thought going through your head "I have CANCER", yet there must have been more? I think, hard as it may be, really digging deep for those emotions, and stating them eloquently, could turn this from a speech, to a deeply effective article. And hey, in that case, you may even be able to sell it. Let me now if you do rewrite it.

"I'm sorry, I can't plan anything past this day. . ."

--- This is an amazing line, this is exactly the kind raw stuff I'm talking about.

Again let me applaud you for taking your struggle to the public eye!


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Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is concise, and there are no errors, grammatical or otherwise. I personally would have liked some more specified information. I like how you made a point to mention HRT drugs, certainly an important concern for a lot women entering menopause. I think the review could be improved with some mention of the author's voice. You did say it was easy to read and understand, but is it a little dry, or is there a sense of humor? Does it seem to speak to just a general audience, or is it more personal, speaking directly to the reader? etc.

You obviously found this book very informative, and it was good of you to share your positive experience with it here at w.com. Thank you!

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Review by jabberwocky
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
The sea is not friendly at this port. The damage to ships is plenty and moral even greater. --- morale, I think you mean.

This isn't the best work I've seen from you so far. While it is well-written, it lacks a luster and passion that could be tapped from such a tragic and important event. I think you could turn this into a great story. It's a journal entry, but here is nothing personal in it, just some information on the Armada and suspicions, etc.

But who is the writer? Doesn't he have a family or a wife he would like to write about? Isn't there much he would desperately be missing now that he's on this mission? He expresses doubt over their success, and whether God really is on their side since their 'numbers are dwindling', but thoughts like this are treasonous, and it seems to me this would be cause for great inner turmoil. Turmoil=conflict=awesome story.

I think if you meditate on these questions, you could find answers in them, and learn about your protagonist, therefore creating HIS story, a REAL story . . .

I'd be interested to see where you could go with this. If you do decide to rewrite it, let me know.

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Review by jabberwocky
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
LOL! The intention of this was to be funny and satirical, and you succeeded marvelously. Although I don't think anyone ever quite theorized on what exactly was wrong with Humpty Dumpty, besides perhaps being a spaz, this seems like a logical conclusion to come to.

You have a ton of run-on sentences throughout, so I'd recommend reading through and breaking up some of your sentences with periods and/or commas.

The only other thing that I didn't think fit in too well was the explanation for the name change. Seemed kind of silly in the face of the rest of the story which was considerably witty.

I did like the ending thrown in for measure. Fitting for one last jab and giggle. Good work!

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Review of Someone Special  
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
First, let me commend you on writing a novel. It's a grueling, challenging process, and it takes courage to do, so well done! On with my review.

I like how you thrust the reader right into the action. It isn't the most thrilling hook I've ever read, but it hooked me enough to keep reading. Basically, it was a good idea not to present what killed Diane's husband. It makes the reader question what happened. Already, conflict introduced.

Because you separate the flashback with a multiple line break, and precede it with a sentence saying she's looking back into the past, there is no need for the italics.

The biggest problem I see with the story so far is pacing. You spend too much time describing the physical of your characters, and not enough on what makes them unique: which in this case is not their clothes. Unless what they are wearing is particularly unsual, which is a statement for the character, or unless the clothing is integral to the plot, there's no need to mention it. Plus, with too much physical description, the reader is tempted to skim, and it also interrupts the visual of the character they may creating in their mind, with is intrusive of the author. So try and keep this kind of description to a minimum, it bogs down the story. Better to just cut to the action.

As far as the action is concerned: I like how you've introduced more conflict, between Diane's father and Larry and (perhaps I'm reading too far into it) but the kind of seemingly intrusive little sister.

Also, you introduce some sexual tension between your main characters, but I get the feeling Diane is really inhibited and shy, so her coming forward and longing for the physical contact seems a little out of place. I think you need to get away from her clothes, and into her mind, and show the reader why she feels like overcoming this aspect of herself for Larry. What's her motivation? This could be difficult or not, depending. I get the impression this is at least partially based on your own experiences, which means it could go either way, as far how exhibitionist you're feeling about your own life, lol.

Also, toward the end, what is it that suddenly, after two years of celibacy, has pushed Diane to the point where she decides she's ready for a male connection?

Some technical stuff:

You are missing a quite a few commas, a read-through should help. Particularly where you have quotations there seem to be some forgotten ones.

The use of adverbs: You don't have a lot, but keep in mind, you want to try and avoid these at all costs. They are empty, tellish descriptions. For example:

After setting the flowers on the counter, she introduced him to her parents who immediately threw questions his way.{/i)

---Her parents could have pummled him with questions, beset him with a barrage of questions like gunfire, etc. I know, these are cheesy, but just examples. Or:

He responded smoothly

---I line like this is a perfect opportunity to flex the language muscle and reveal character. Smooth like what? Glass? Smooth like bath oil? etc. and whatever, you get the picture, lol.

*Bullet*Stepping out of the car, Diane begin babbling again about how much I liked the movie

--- whoops! lol. Might wanna change that 'I'

There weren't a lot of errors, and there might have been a couple I missed, because this is the second time I've typed this review (computer spat on me and I lost the first one, lol). All around, it's pretty clean work.

It's a polished first draft, but stilla first draft, so there's obviously work that needs to be done. But all in all, it's definitely above average work. Good job, and good luck!

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