I'll refrain from offering an opinion on how best to show respect to the people who keep a roof over your head, and stick to my reigning thought after reading this--it's hilarious! You've got a sharp mind and a fresh voice, and the two put together make for some very entertaining comedy writing.
A lot of comedy doesn't translate well into writing. When people want to be entertained, it seems the act of moving their eyes across the page detracts from the experience somehow. Not so with this piece, which stands perfectly well as a written diatribe. Nice work.
Great idea! On a site like this, where the emphasis is on writing--a decidedly mental and emotional process--not much is said about the equally great significance of physical fitness. This forum is a great way to inspire members to take care of their bodies, and I'm impressed with the unintuitive way in which you've linked it to our common passion, writing. Good luck and keep up the great work!
You raise an interesting question. I don't know if I'd go so far as to cry "clueless," but I do agree that people have a tendency to filter out details that don't concern them directly.
Where did this story come from? Are you one of the paramedics who came to help the man, or did you read about this in a local newspaper? Whatever your source, you need to list it for credibility; otherwise, this could very well be an urban legend, and therefore unsuitable to prove any sort of point.
If it is a true story, and if you document it properly, then you're right, it speaks volumes about the oblivious nature of mankind. Or maybe it just says we're generally too busy to pay attention to details like whatever would have alerted that poor man's colleagues to his plight.
In the first paragraph, change "my" to "by."
In the second paragraph, you don't need to use both the phrases "on a daily basis" AND "on any given day." choose one or the other, and if you go with the former, correct the spelling of "basis." Make sure you've got spaces before or after all punctuation, including commas and parentheses.
In the third paragraph, change "you" to "your."
You've got a spunky, engaging voice, and if you cite your source, this will be a hilarious and appropriate piece of evidence toward the point you're trying to prove. Let me know if you change anything, and I'll be glad to come back to raise my rating!
Very interesting. A clever and creative way of stating the simple: that the marriage of "need" and "will" are best actualized when put to good use, that the two should be the gametes needed for productive fertilization.
Great use of metaphor. I'm impressed that you were able to uphold it through to the end.
Very spooky and touching story. I have a teenage brother, and I love to see teenage characters take on roles like Jake's--helpful, nurturing and pleasant, rather than surly and rude.
You've done a very effective job of setting up the story, but it seems to get a little hasty toward the end--finish it off carefully to do all that skillful preparation justice. How did Jake realize that Cassie was dead (which we know he did, because he opted not to speak to her father at the house)? Did the father sense Cassie's presence when she sat with him on the couch, and if so, why didn't he perceive her when she first ran into the house?
Consider omitting the word "invisibly" in your third to last paragraph--though an accurate descriptor, it also leaps to a conclusion that you're better off building gradually.
All in all, this is a creepy and well-done little story. Tweak the ending to fine-tune it into something nearly perfect.
This is a sweet, well-crafted poem that does impressive justice to the romantic blending of cultures. Your description is wonderful--description of the Turkish traditions, of the local beauty, of the physical contrast between its natives and your narrator. This is a beautiful and unusual love poem, rich in diction and in texture.
My one complaint is that it relies too heavily on direct quotes from the Turkish lover, quotes that--while well-utilized--go on for entirely too long, taking the place of what could be even more beautiful description, like what follows.
Consider shortening some of the quotes, and--if you feel the poem is incomplete without them--paraphrasing them in your own mesmerizing words.
Otherwise, good job. This is artfully done, and your repetition of the title word gives it a wonderful extra dimension.
For shame, Mr. Wilcox! My interest was piqued when I saw this on the Public Reviewing Page, and it certainly lives up to the clever double entendre advertised by its last reviewer. Like him (or her), however, I have to wonder why you chose the title you did--I think you could be more creative with it, to give the poem in its entirety an added dose of punch.
Also, given the blatant nature of the metaphor(?), should this really only have a 13+ rating? I'm sure you'd know better than I, but, hmm...that last line, if nothing else, seems to warrant the next higher rating.
Cute! I've had three cockatiels myself, and this poem is dead on as far as capturing the odd humanlike quality that seems to characterize their personalities. We succeeded in teaching one to talk; the other two were always content to express themselves orally and by throwing things, like yours.
This light poem doesn't necessarily need improving to achieve your purposes, but if you were looking to perfect it, I'd suggest giving some attention to the meter. As it is, it's loose and inexact, and the first stanza's punctuation seems to be pretty haphazard.
Other than that, this is a warm and funny tribute to the birds that, in my opinion, make the very best pets. Thanks for sharing.
This poem is beautiful, and certainly accomplishes your proclaimed purpose of capturing the "essence of autumn." Between your vivid imagery and the skilled precision of your meter, you've produced something as crisp and colorful as the season itself.
Lines that stand out for me include: "sunshine turned low for a fire-filled pause;/frost comes descending on whispers of gauze," "landscapes escape on a page dipped in gold/bursting from jade into burgundy cold"--essentially, the lines that reference climate and color, two of autumn's greatest assets.
Two questions. First, who is the "she" mentioned in the eighth line? October? And second, the "terminal lover" in the last line autumn herself? It would seem so, but most poems that personify a season such tend to do it throughout, rather than in one line at the end.
That's a minor gripe, though. This is a stunning poem, and even before the first of day of July it's got me eagerly awaiting the onset of autumn. Splendid job.
On the surface it seems ridiculous, but such useless blame games (the kind wherein it's impossible to determine rightness on either side) are indeed what all too often cleave families, particularly in matters of fertility, or lack thereof.
You've got a truly unique poetic voice. Your juxtaposition of the wife's quilting (and conveniently placed scissors) and the husband's boorish remarks are appropriately off-kilter, establishing the tension that gives the final lines their chilling effect.
This poem has really sparked my interest. I think I'll head to your port; I'm curious as to what else is hiding there.
A well-written and very appropriate article. The ratings system seems to be one of the most divisive fixtures in the writing.com community--feared by authors and reviewers alike, rendered ineffective for that very reason.
I think you're correct in thinking a lot of members confuse the ratings system with their English teachers' gradebooks. In today's politically correct academic world, all too many students are accustomed to the "A for effort" idea, and that translates here. I find myself hesitating to give low ratings when I feel the author has put a lot of effort into a piece, or doesn't know any better than to make the mistakes he or she has made.
A few particularly hostile members of the community also contribute to the system's fearful nature. With the prevalence of anonymous readers, and of hate-rates that seem to come as replies to especially honest reviews, many reviewers are legitimately afraid to take the risk of parsing out their true opinions.
Your article calls for thoughtfulness and respect, both of which should are fundamental to the integrity of the site. Thank you for tackling a difficult issue with depth and sensitivity.
Congratulations on your new granddaughter. These verses are a beautiful tribute to her birth, and I hesitate to criticize them in any way, but I recently came upon some information on the Public Reviewing Page that I feel I should pass along.
To be considered a haiku, a poem unequivocally must have two basic characteristics: kigo (the Japanese word for a seasonal reference) and kireji (a split between setting and action, using a dash or ellipses to separate the two). Without those two components, a poem is not considered haiku. You could instead say that these poems "take the form of traditional haiku" in your item description, or something like that, for accuracy's sake; I'm sure most readers aren't picky, but I thought I'd let you know.
Also, the second line of your second verse has eight (or nine, depending how you pronounce the word) syllables, not seven. Make sure to correct that if you want to adhere to standard form.
I hope that's helpful! My information on haikus comes from Dr M C Gupta, in case you're curious.
Adorable! The very first line seems out of place, unless you're simply trying to establish the boy's age, but the rest of this poem makes tremendous use of rhythm and repetition, perfect for a poem about that particular instrument.
Your use of onomatopoeia in the second stanza provides a perfect fulcrum for this poem, which would be a delight, I'm sure, when read aloud to a small child (though not one with an interest in a drumset, for his parents' sake!).
Great poem. I've been burned a few too many times but such so-called "friends," who never tire of draining the resources of others and seem not to care that their credibility gets steadily worse. Your poem articulates the resultant annoyance, and your short lines mirror the terse determination of one resolved not to take it anymore. Nice job.
Amazing, what the brain churns out when it can't seem to do what's asked of it. I've been trapped in some of the deadliest spells of writer's block and produced countless pieces full of vocabulary along the lines of "schlock," stuff that's repetitive and self-effacing and good for a laugh later.
That said, this poem is a perfect tribute to that most frustrating of mental afflictions, and I hope your muse came back to you soon after.
This poem is dizzying, but does indeed evoke the feeling of looking into the lens of a spinning kaleidoscope. In that, you've succeeded; I'm impressed by that and by the way you've maximized your vocabulary to avoid using the same word twice.
That said, some readers might find this too "busy"; consider rewriting some of the earlier lines to follow the direction of the final two, which don't rely so heavily on intense verbs and adjectives.
Finally, once you've gotten the wording where you want it, give some attention to the rhythm and meter. The first eight lines are appropriately uniform in rhythm, as are the last two, but the ninth and tenth lines depart from the pattern you've established, and are therefore jarring.
All in all, though, this poem is, as you say, very colorful. With some gentle revision it will be a delight, and a wonderful tribute to one of the world's most beautiful toys.
This is a well-constructed article that rings true, I'm sure, with anyone familiar with writing.com's infamous ratings system. I agree fully with nearly all of your points, and found myself nodding along as I read each section.
I too get particularly annoyed with reviewers who step outside their comfort zones, and therefore rate hypercritically. As writers, we are constantly reminded to "write what we know"--as reviewers, we should apply the same basic mandate.
I get even more perturbed by imperfect ratings that come with unconstructive comments, or, similarly, five-star ratings that accompany a wash of revision suggestions. Reviewers should indeed take the time to be sure they are representing their opinions in both rating and commenting.
I'm afraid I'm one of the "chain reviewers" to which you refer toward the end, though I've always tried to afford the same respect to subsequent pieces that I do to the first I open at the beginning of the day. I'm sure you're right, though, that as a reviewer works through several pieces, probably repeating herself several times along the way, some of the initial enthusiasm dissipates, and is replaced with terseness that is perceptible to the author. Try to be patient, though; as long as the review still contains helpful feedback, it serves its primary purpose, and that is often more important than excessive courtesy.
The one point on which we don't agree is the one you've made about age. Not only is it unrealistic to expect younger readers to shy away from pieces with temptingly high ratings, it also seems that to exclude them from the reviewing pool might deprive authors of what could be a fresh and unique perspective. I debuted on this site at age sixteen; I felt then and still feel that young people are perfectly capable of reading and reviewing with kindness and maturity. I think the young man you dealt with just happened to be particularly hostile, but isn't representative of young people as a whole.
All in all, a well-written article, and one that raised many important points. I hope this influences some of the more frequent reviewers around here!
Outstanding. Most people, myself included, have trouble with the pi stanza form, as it forces the poet to place emphasis in counterintuitive places. You, however, have done a fabulous job tailoring your richly described images to the format, and have painted two beautiful pictures with one final metaphor to effectively unify them.
The parallels among your three stanzas give this poem an amazing overall harmony. My favorite lines are the final two from each stanza.
Sweet poem. You've painted a charming image that's easy to visualize; the vocabulary you've chosen is simple and clean, and perfectly compounds the delightful moment you've captured. Your rhythm, too, is easy and well-suited to your subject matter.
One thing that I'm especially picky about: try not to change tenses in mid-stanza, or at all throughout the poem, as it isn't necessary. I understand that you may be trying to juxtapose descriptions of two moments, but you could accomplish the same by keeping the whole thing in present tense. This is most noticeable in your last two lines; consider an edit to make it uniform.
Great idea--I'm sure most parents who take the time to read to their children appreciate the educational value of doing so, and would welcome the chance to enhance that experience even further. Kudos to you for taking proactive steps toward providing such an opportunity.
I'm sure you already know this, but you seem have to repeated your first three options again at the bottom of the list. Make sure to correct that.
Nice essay; I hope it was well-received. I agree completely with your argument that creative writing, like every art form, must be shaped and fine-tuned through adherence to the basic laws of the language. Creative writing is a means of self-expression, but it is also a craft, and as such, deserves all the writers' best efforts.
I have a couple of grammatical suggestions, though it's almost certainly too late to change them for submission. In the sentence that reads "This must be done carefully, because if a student feels they are being picked on, or worse: humiliated, they will disregard everything," change the colon to a comma.
Also, pay attention to subject-verb agreement; you should never refer to a singular subject as "they." That sentence should read as follows: "...if a student feels he or she is being picked on, or worse..." and the same change should be made to all other instances throughout the essay.
All in all, your points are well-stated and ring true at least with this young writer. Nice job, and best of luck.
I totally understand what you're trying to learn from this poll, but I think you'll need to rework your options a little to get what you're looking for. For starters, you seem to assume that pollees can choose more than one option--they can't.
Therefore, you should try to present options that are both descriptive and mutually exclusive, so each taker can choose the most accurate one. "Music is my life" and "Music follows me everywhere I go" are not distinct enough. try differentiating between the degrees of music appreciation rather than quantifying them by the number of songs one listens to, and only offer the "Other" option once.
Hope this was helpful! I'd be glad to come back and raise my rating, should you decide to make changes to the poll.
I like this very much. Looking at family photographs is a powerful experience for the very reason you've described here--older generations represent a sturdy foundation; subsequent generations represent veritable immortality.
Your conclusion brought a smile to my face.
The only thing you might do to improve this otherwise outstanding poem would be to eliminate your first stanza, and interweave the same information throughout the one following. As it is, it seems forced simply to state the ages of the men and their relationships, and not as poetic as the rest of your carefully crafted lines.
Very clever. Though your title more or less gives your ending away, this is a very well-constructed little tale--it almost (ALMOST) gives me sympathy for your doomed subjects. Also clever, calling the villains "Stermines." Satire is truly your craft.
One question. What is the Seer--some kind of prophetic bee? Also, I wasn't aware that bees "burst" when exposed to the chemicals used by exterminators, I thought they just kind of...shriveled up. I'm sure you're right, though; I (thankfully) don't have that much hands-on experience.
Very nice job, overall--as I said, you've told the "other side" with impressive detail and compassion.
I like what you've done here, interwoven fictional truth and fantasy--very seamless, the way you've thrown in your narrator's vision of her wedding to Diego, then sailed seamlessly back into the reality of their divergent present.
Your description is colorful and evocative; it stimulates the senses and draws a beautiful backdrop for the "action."
A couple of suggestions:
One of my greatest pet peeves is when talented writers mistakenly shift between tenses. You've done that here--your first two paragraphs seem to be in albeit flawless past tense; the rest of the piece is written in the present. Choose one and stick with it.
At the point where your narrator makes her socioeconomic assessment of the neighborhood, make sure to insert quotations marks at the beginning and end of every piece of dialogue, including when it breaks in the middle of the sentence.
Other than that, this is a very pretty piece. Nice job.
~shannon
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