This is a cute story, and a nice commentary on the transient nature of high school politics. Alpha kids and language nerds can exist on the same plane, it suggests--is that the twist you refer to in the item description? Because I don't think that's a "twist" so much as a re-casting of a classic theme. Thousands of books and movies detail romances between men and women from divergent worlds.
Still, it's a cute and satisfying story with believable dialogue and three-dimensional characters. The ending seems to crash to a stop--rather than cramming their entire future into one hurried paragraph, you could take it a bit further, really demonstrate how things developed between Scott and Sabine.
I have a few mechanical suggestions. For starters, the item description is the first thing anyone sees--you MUST be sure everything in it is spelled correctly. Change the final word to "up."
Throughout the story, I'd recommend using long dashes rather than hyphens to separate clauses. It looks less cluttered.
Toward the middle, "Even we did happen to pass one another" should be "Even IF we did happen to pass one another".
Also, this is a short story--take the time to insert spaces between the paragraphs, or indents at the beginning of each.
I'm glad to hear that things have worked out for you, and that you're happy with your new partner. Your story should be an inspiration to young people struggling with what you've already survived. However, in telling your story, you've got to decide on a purpose--to simply narrate what happened, or to give it meaning, in the hopes that it might help someone else?
With the exception of the beginning and ending paragraphs, this reads more like a personal diary entry than a well thought-out narrative. As is, you've included time-specific details that don't really impact the story; for example, "Christie accepted and let me drive her car" could be shortened to "Christie accepted" with no loss of pertinent information. Same thing with “The next day I walked into the frontroom and asked my parents how they were?” What’s important there is that you found out about the move. Highlight that by leaving out the superfluous. Your focus here is on describing the experience of coming out to your family and friends, and how it affected your life; not on giving a play-by-play of every conversation leading up to that one.
Your first paragraph confuses me a little. You say you realized you were attracted to women at age thirteen, but that you dated men when you were "younger"--younger than thirteen? Really? Or do you mean that you continued to date men for a while after your revelation? Try to clarify that sentence--it shouldn't be hard. Just an extra word or two.
You’ve got an easy, conversational tone that really engages the reader; don’t let that interfere with your grammar and proofreading. At the beginning of the third paragraph, “A few more days later” should be “A few days later” instead. Add a possessive apostrophe to the phrase “my friend’s house” and correct the spelling of the word “very” later in the paragraph.
In the fourth paragraph, correct the spelling of the word “date” toward the end. Also, this would be a good place to describe some of the adversity you faced, if any—that would strengthen what you say later about being happy with your current life.
All the details about Aggie (who never makes an appearance in the story) and your stay at her house seem extraneous. Stick to what went on between you and Christie, and how it prompted you to come out to your mother.
Your conclusion is lovely, and again, I’m glad to hear things worked out for you. The strength of this story, though, will be in your description of how you overcame obstacles on the road to the acceptance of your family and friends. Pare down some of the less important details to make way for what matters. I hope this was helpful!
Very effective, the way you've used a child's perspective on the superficial to make such a profound statement about the quality of this gentleman's evidently disadvantaged life.
In fact, I find it remarkable that in just a few short paragraphs, you've given so much insight into three characters--Ernie and your parents, whose charitable nature had, I hope, a lasting influence on you.
Your carelessness with commas and spacing is all that detracts from this otherwise well-rendered memory. I'd suggest adding a space between each paragraph--the piece looks cluttered otherwise.
Change the comma in the second paragraph to a semicolon.
In the third paragraph, make sure the comma comes right after the word, with a space afterward to separate it from the following word. (I'm sure those are just typos, but they're easy enough to fix.)
Same thing in the fourth and fifth paragraphs--spaces are needed after all commas.
"...gently scrubbing away the months of personal neglect by this poor creature" is awkwardly worded. Try this instead: "...gently scrubbing away the months of personal neglect this poor creature had endured."
In the last paragraph, fix the spaces after the commas, and you don't need a comma after "restored."
This powerful piece truly deserves a five star rating, and I'd be glad to come back and give it one, once you've cleaned up those minor mistakes. I hope this was helpful!
An interesting look at something I'm sure many people never think about. You're right, of course; "who," "what," "when" and "where" are all simple questions yielding finite answers, unintimidating in the scheme of things--"why" is the one that's been stumping us for ages. I like the way you've drawn in your experiences with the Korean students; that demonstrates your point that it's not a linguistics issue, but one of semantics.
I don't see any grammatical or mechanical errors. You sound like a great teacher, and I'm sure your students learn a lot from you.
This is an enjoyable poem, destined to be delightful, I'm sure, to any boy or girl--or any adult with a considerable sweet tooth. The imagery is descriptive and evocative enough to really stimulate the senses--most particularly I can see the marshmallow-swirled sky and smell the warm, sweet breeze.
To really get the most out of this poem, you'll have to work on your meter. This poem is sweet, light and laden with fantasy; as such, it should have a gentle, easy rhythm to match. Your rhymes themselves are fine (with the exception of "below" and "cocoa," which seem strained because of the difference in emphasis), but the different-length lines and messy beats seem jagged--not what you want for a poem about candy. Try to get the lines to parallel one another, at least within couplets.
Also, I'm not sure there's a better alternative, but I'm bothered by your use of "wild flours" in the last line and in the title. Throughout the poem you've stuck to candy, with no mention of baked goods, and introducing the idea of flour seems to throw that off. Also, all your other images--chocolate sky, marzipan frogs, peppermint leaves--are easy to visualize, because they deal in materials suited for what they represent. But what would a flour/flower look like? I have a hard time picturing it; I see someone trying to relax on a mound of white powder and sneezing uncontrollably.
I really like this poem; it is pleasant and sweet-tasting and tickles the imagination. Should you take my suggestion on the meter, I'd be glad to reread and rerate. Also feel free to let me know if you need suggestions. Take care!
Very very nice. Your diction is impeccable, very precise. You've taken a seemingly abstract concept--Judgment Day--and given it an expressionist feel without making your images so specific that they stifle interpretation.
"Eery" might be an alternative spelling, but if not, change it to "eerie." Remove the comma from the first line of the second stanza, and correct the spelling of "judgment"--no 'e' in the middle.
Cute! Your subtle humor actually had me laughing out loud in places. My favorite stanzas were the second and third--"Blah blah blah love joy fear not too much more," "But like Burns their language doth aft gang agley"--great lines. When you deviated from the meter it was barely noticeable, and while the rhymes were forced in places, the overall effect was almost perfect. Very nice.
If I'd been alone when I read this, I might have screamed at the end. Beautifully written, seemingly done in the style of "The Ring" and its contemporaries. You've done a wonderful job of building the reader's anticipation throughout the story, and turning it into full-blown suspense just in time for the chilling conclusion.
My suggestions are mechanical and minor. I didn't find many typos, but one came at the most crucial moment in the story: "He's mine! And you can't face it! He doesn't want you! He's told me how you've been coming onto him but I didn't say anything to keep the peace! But now anymore! I hate you Megan and I'm leaving this house and taking MY boyfriend with me!" The second to last sentence should be "But NOT anymore!"--make sure to correct that, because the story depends heavily on this argument.
Also, use indents or spaces between paragraphs to make this easier on readers' eyes.
Other than that, very nice work. I'm sure you'd benefit from entering this in one of the many horror contests there are around here!
HUGELY evocative. I came across this one while reading your article about poetry myths, and yes, the imagery does conjure distinctive feelings. I'm sitting in an overheated dorm room and I can still feel the cold, smell the wood smells, hear the crackling logs. Beautiful.
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