nice image of the magic he is using and description of the girl in the opening paragraphs. good dialogue and interaction between the boy and girl. in the sentence 'they could see the wildlife' the verb 'reach' might be better as 'reached'. the sentence 'all the day seemed' the use of 'things' and 'thing' might be reduced to one. maybe use 'events' for 'things'. the sentence 'the second man' is the word 'shoulder' instead of 'should'. good description of all the characters. interesting development towards the end of the chapter, nice pace and details...emotions.
I love the opening line that leads to other great lines. I can sense the naivety of the person in the poem, their fragility yet hopefulness to find love as the work progresses. it is all good, but one thing caught my eye....in the 2nd to last line 'cause I will frown' I wonder if 'drown' would be better to show the severity of the pain in being rejected. just a thought. good work.
good, exciting start. but in the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs, there doesn't seem to be a great deal of urgency to get away. like the interaction between Kyle and his mom. in the explosion, Kyle is knocked down, but his mother is standing...kind of wondering how she escapes this if they are so close together? lots of action and nice pace to the story...dialogue is good. 'I want to eat them bother' maybe you meant 'brother'? the tale of the lighthouses is good. nice ending to the story, cliff hanger to draw the reader to the next chapter.
Good opening line for the setting and a glint of optimism to the night. It draws the reader in. the second sentence is good, but might be a tad long...wonder if reworking it keep the meaning to it. Wonder about the mayor's house being on ground level. Politicians usually consider themselves important and elevated over others. it would seem his house would be higher than any other. Maybe leave out 'a set of stone steps led up to the second level' because its said earlier on that steps connected all three levels of the city. 3rd sentence, 1st paragraph 'the first level is where' is present tense and the story is past tense. love the second paragraph, sets a very peaceful, dreamy setting...plus the smells of the fire, nice. maybe 'tightly' in the paragraph 'Ivy scooted' should be 'tight'. 'tightly' doesn't sound right where it is used. 2nd sentence, think 'looked' might be better than 'looking'. maybe last sentence of paragraph 'it turned back', maybe use back once, 'it turned back towards the lake then down to its depths'. love the description of the dragon, the use of color to bring it alive. in sentence 'they hid in the shadows' you wrote 'peaceful down' maybe it is 'town'? love the mysterious men, change of pace and brings something sinister to the plot. nice end and interesting to read what happens next. good beginning.
Ah, had the world only known the truth of the whole matter, it would have judged you differently. yet, what is that they say, when the legend becomes bigger than the truth, you print the legend. it is what the people want. nice story, detailed and informative. like the little rhyme at the end when he pretends drunkenness to reveal his name. good job.
good opening lines that draw the reader into the story, shows her emotions and the setting. there is a small amount of tense shifting, between past and present tense. like the dialogue by and description of the characters--action that make them believable and can be identified with. Would think Poppa would be drinking beer as he cooked, good description of him. the story reads well, but a little more humor might add to it. Good ending, leaving the reader to wonder what her connection is to the drowning victim. how well did she know the drowning victim since she seemed taken by his death or the secret she's keeping. maybe some rumors could give the reader a clue to how this relates to her.
good opening paragraph, very strong details--wording. in the 2nd paragraph, is there a missing word "the' between avoid and squeak? good background story of Elsa. the third paragraph, third line, is there an extra word 'the' .....They were doing it and if... good emotion...dialogue. nice paragraph on the ice witch...sad. characters are believable and life-like....can feel the torment of waking, moving into the cold. like how you add optimism into the story, her sad life. maybe split 'those with uniforms rarely....' into two sentences. 'for very long. They didn't shop, eat, live....' Good interjection of hope in the last paragraph and sets up the next chapter, tempting the reader to want to know what happens next. good story, lots of details and characters.
good opening line that draws the reader in--very upbeat.
lots of action in the 2nd paragraph--getting to know the character.
3rd paragraph is very descriptive, a nice way of bringing more characters into the story and why she is there. A small detail could be added to what building they stood in front of--maybe who the guy is, unless there is some revelation of the man's identity that comes later.
4th and 5th paragraphs reveal a lot of emotion and make the characters believable--to identify with them.
the next few strings of dialogue are great to move the story along, but wonder if it be good--disrupt the story to plug the names of the kids into it and give a quick description of them, unless those details are brought out later on.
nice emotional dialogue in the next paragraph and a change of pace with the threat of something about to happen--and the action of being taken to the ground. Cinder's (we'd better go) lacks the urgency to leave the streets when grapefruit size hail is raining down--I think he would be desperate to get under cover--to see the others safe.
next paragraph--nice save and action. the dialogue is good to explain the hail flying sideways, or rather, at an angle to get under the awing. if the hail flew sideways then it would have to come from somewhere, perhaps viewable from where they stood. if the hail came in numbers, would Cinder be able to catch just one when they would be dodging so many--hurrying just to board the train for their lives? maybe have some hail fly into the train through the open car doors.
nice change of pace inside the train to learn more about the kids and that they are not ordinary. it is a nice twist when Cinder examines the ice ball to discover it is not what he thinks it is--and to interest the reader into hanging with the story.
Questions. does the hail stop because they are on the train? Where is the train going and do they know? Is the ride free and can they pay the fare? If not, do they hideaway or get kicked off at the next station--at some unsavory part of town where they stand out like green tomatoes in a field of red? When the train stops, how do they get back? Are they stranded? Do they meet someone who will help or hurt their quest? If there is some malevolence stalking them, will it manifest itself against the train, wait for it to stop, or not bother it in hope the kids have been scared away from the building. does the man in the building die (or is killed) to keep his secrets from the kids?
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 9:52am on Apr 27, 2024 via server web1.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "