Wow! I am really enjoying this book so far! I love the philosophy behind it, and your creative representation of the spirit world. I think your dialogue is very strong. It's what's drawing me in and making me want to keep reading. The pacing is very good as well. There is always some new conflict or development that makes me want to read more.
My only criticism would be that sometimes I wish there was more show than tell outside of dialogue. The physical descriptions are wonderful, but I think the story would be even stronger if you found some way to dissolve the necessary information into the story better.
Hi! Great piece! Something about it reminded my of Forest Gump actually, maybe it's the running.
Sorry I'm not the best with grammar either but I did notice an extra "them" at one point. Sorry I can't remember exactly where. I got the feeling Sally was supposed to represent his fear, and Jake wasn't even real, just a part of his psyche. This one made me think, great work!
Wow, she is an intriguing character and I want to know more! I wanna know about the people she's killed, how she's affected the lives of their survivors. I felt all kinds of emotions reading this: disgust/pity for her, anger at the priest for not turning her in...this is a great piece!
Great! I really enjoyed this! I could sympathize with Matt, the story felt real. A couple small typos, for example "Lisa held her 'noise'". I like how you describes the bull, have you been in a rodeo before? If not the way you painted it was pretty realistic.
Great second chapter! Once again I found myself drawn in, pulled toward the conclusion. I really like this main character Vera and I think you do an excellent job of getting into her head. You have a great talent for characters. I can't think of anything to critique really, Again, love your metaphors.
I love origin stories :). A very interesting philosophy behind the nature of our universe, I have to say. Did you pick the animals based on wordplay and then work with the characteristics? I especially liked "who cow" because it sounds like moo cow and I have the sense of humour of a three year-old.
Are these two supposed to be a take on God and the Devil? It seems they're not good and evil per se, but wise and unwise I guess.
Wow I really like this! It drew me in even though I was in a hurry to leave for work. Now that's an engaging story :)
I really like your metaphors and descriptions. I was especially struck by this analogy:
"It's like watching a large, muscular man grab hold of a child's ponytail and pull her into a van, then continuing the day as if it never happened"
However, at times I think you're a little heavy with the adjectives and adverbs. I noticed because it's also something I need to work on.
Also you need an en-dash instead of a hyphen when offsetting something. Usually most word processors auto correct to one when you type two hyphens. For example "blah blah blah--blah blah blah". And there shouldn't be a space after the dash.
A great story! It reminds me of The Hunger Games but it's definitely not a copy. I'm curious to see what happens next. .
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