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55 Public Reviews Given
55 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review by Avalyn
Rated: E | (3.5)
This piece does a good job of following your thought process. It is solidly written without being exceptional. The flood of questions is a little overwhelming but does serve to illustrate how a little bit of research can generate many possible story directions.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
27
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Review of Why I Write  
Review by Avalyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
A terrific tribute to your mother! And, technically, a very good piece of writing: good enough that the technique is hidden in the flow of the narrative. The way in which you introduce the subject of journaling and how your mother influenced your writing through her interactions with you is superb -- I'd be hard put to think of a way to improve on it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
28
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Review of The Tree  
Review by Avalyn
Rated: E | (4.0)
This piece has a nice movement through the narrator's spiritual and emotional maturation. The tree is both the symbol of the character's bond with God and a special gift within that bond: a place where the narrator can be calmed in spirit and be free of ordinary distractions. There are places where the grammar and style are a little rough, but on the whole, this is good writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of reflection  
Review by Avalyn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sounds as though you're off to a good start! This is a good self-assessment of where you are and where you want to go. Keep writing, keep creating, and don't forget to keep working on the nuts and bolts of spelling, punctuation, and grammar -- creativity may be the wind that fills your sails, but mistakes in the mechanics of writing can be the leaks that sink your boat, at least when it comes to getting published for pay.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
30
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Review of still know  
Review by Avalyn
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the contemplative flow of the emotion and the movement towards acceptance in this poem, but I don't really grasp the context; is the poet responding to a personal loss, a difficult situation, or something else? The identity of the "they" or "them" being responded to is never given; why is the opinion of this unspecified group important to the poet? Answering these questions would give the poem a tighter focus. Some attention to spelling and grammar would also be useful.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
31
31
Review by Avalyn
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
The death-curse motif is familiar to fantasy readers and the grounds for the curse are plausible, but the treatment is rather mechanical and too much time is spent on character descriptions. Can you work details into the interaction between the characters and the dialogue so that the reader can build up the picture of the characters, their natures, and the pertinent history from what is revealed through their actions and speech? Also, this might be a more effective piece if the story was presented from the viewpoint of a single character -- perhaps that of the old priest, since he is in a position to see all of the characters as the scene plays out. The definitions are a distraction; either allow the words to be defined by context or use a more common word that conveys the desired meaning.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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32
Review of Unknown  
Review by Avalyn
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
This is a good description of a situation but would probably be better as a background idea than just tossed out front. Could you, perhaps, present more of the character's struggle with developing the level of self-honesty that allows her both to recognize how she has helped to create her "stuck" situation and what she must do to become "unstuck?'


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
33
33
Review by Avalyn
Rated: E | (2.5)
This poem captures the cycle of addiction, going from drug-induced highs to the crash in between fixes. I can sense the narrator's feelings of helplessness as he watches the addict, but the poem doesn't really present a strong connection between the speaker and his subject. There needs to be more strong, concrete imagery to focus the emotions. I am also left at sea by the line "To you is all the exist"; I am assuming that the poet is referring to the self-centeredness of the addict's existence, but the line is ungrammatical and brings me up with a jolt as I try to figure out exactly what the poet is saying.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
34
34
Review of Natalie's Story  
Review by Avalyn
Rated: E | (3.5)
I am assuming that this is intended as an advertisement featuring a case story. It does a good job of outlining the facts of the case under consideration. The person being helped is a sympathetic character, which reinforces the theme of "bad things happen to good people" and should help reduce any shame a reader feels in needing or using the service. The piece also makes the purpose of the service clear: assisting individuals in managing debt that would otherwise be overwhelming.

I feel the piece would be more effective if the next-to-last paragraph were made the header, with some alteration in the middle: "It's good to know that there are solutions to your debts. We're here to help you find them." The focus should be on the idea that your reader has a problem; you're offering assistance in finding a solution. While your current opening paragraph sounds nice, your feelings of satisfaction with what you do are probably not the primary interest of a potential client. Try to step into the mindset of a person who may need your service and think of what that person would most want to know in order to make the decision to use your service; then write accordingly.

Your piece also switches between "I" and "we." I would suggest sticking with one or the other. If this is an advertisement for an agency, "we" would probably be more appropriate; if you are running your own debt-assistance firm either on your own or as the boss, then "I" could work.

Finally, please get someone you can trust as a proofreader to go over your piece prior to publication. A fresh set of eyes often catches spelling errors, grammatical errors, and typos that might otherwise be missed. I have had many occasions myself to be grateful for such reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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