Hi L.M.
I'm glad I read this work of yours. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work {item: on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers" .
First Impression/Thoughts:
Erm, why are there 4 poems listed as one item? Are they connected somehow - like 4 different parts that combine into a larger work? If not, they really need to be presented as individual items.
I shall review and comment on the first poem here, so that you can move the other poems into separate static items or book entries (see * below) and the rating given here can accurately reflect a single work. Ratings can be given for a collection as well, but these should ideally be in a folder.
I am happy to review and comment on the other three poems here after they are moved into proper static item slots or book entries.
Creativity/Impact:
'My pages' - I like the structure you used. Is it an original one you created? I'm not an expert on poetry forms so it may simply be one I'm not familiar with but I like the repeated refrain (like a ghazal), as well as the lengthening stanzas. It provides a nice contrast to the theme, by suggesting how the persona's thoughts get more and more embroiled in someone he/she can't forget, the more he/she tries to.
The pages are an apt and effective metaphor for the chapters of life.
Message/Theme:
The persona cannot forget someone who has been so much a part of his/her life.
Technique/Technical Notes:
These are just my thoughts and observations. I may not have read the work the way you intended. Please decide for yourself if these comments are helpful to you; if not, feel free to disregard them.
Title - The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I like the title you chose, which gives it an intimate feel. However upon reading the poem itself, I wonder if 'Pages of Thee' might not be more appropriate, since the poem really is about the loved one who's left?
Grammar/Wording - I noticed nothing that jarred or confounded the reading. This is always a sign of good writing.
As I already mentioned, I love your refrain. It might have more impact if you pare away unnecessary words though. Instead of using 'because' which adds two syllables that contribute little to the impact of the line, would you consider using a dash '- All my pages are full of thee.' The dash can be inserted in the previous line if needed, or even omitted completely in some cases. This also allows the first and third line of the first stanza to have matching meters (4 iambic feet, and 2 trochaic plus 2 iambic feet for another 4 feet).
Form/Flow -
Since you are using a structured form with a rhyme scheme, a matching or regular meter helps reinforce the structured feel. The meters are haphazard e.g. the first stanza has 8 syllables, followed by 11, ending with 10.
Free verse requires no such metric scheme and instead thrives on the chaotic energy and freedom of ragged lines. I think that the second and third stanzas work well in free verse, to show the growing entropy within the persona as he/she dwells on the memories of 'thee'.
Emotion/Imagery -
Love is the most written about subject in poetry - the discovery of it, the living through and the loss. The phrase ' prisoner of these pages' is a powerful one, that reflects our inability to escape our own stories, as well as the persona's inability to escape the memories of a life shared and entwined with 'thee'.
Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
This is an inventive and personal poem about a lost love.
Thank you for a wonderful read!
* I strongly recommend that you get an upgraded membership, so you get to create a book for all these short poem entries. An example from my own portfolio is "Invalid Item" (it only has two entries now, but there'll be more!).
Even a basic membership will allow you to create a folder for all your poetry, like this one I use for my poems. "Starburst Gallery"
Not many people will review a single static item with more than one poem or story on it. It is difficult to give a fair rating for each, and one will have to comment on not one, but four poems in one review (in this particular case).
Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,
Azrael |