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295 Public Reviews Given
295 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Still discovering it. I prefer to review only works that touch me in some way, or from writers I know want honest feedback to help improve their work, and I'm actually in a position to give it.
I'm good at...
Spotting grammar and mechanical errors... from a career as an English teacher. That said, there are those here who school me on intricacies I've never learnt about the language. Also better at reviewing stories than poetry, although it is exhausting to pick through a mistake-filled piece. I think I can give a fairly decent review on short stories, but I'm nowhere near the level of the best ones here.
Favorite Genres
Scifi, fantasy.
Least Favorite Genres
Non-fiction. Personal. Comedy.
Favorite Item Types
Static items & book entries containing stories and poems.
Least Favorite Item Types
None.
I will not review...
Haven't been asked to review something I regretted yet.
Public Reviews
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101
101
Review of Graveyard of Time  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi LostGhost: Seeking & Learning

I'm glad I read this work of yours. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Graveyard of Time"  on behalf of "SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP" .

*StarB* First Impression/Thoughts:
It took me all the way to the end before I finally figured out what the poem was about, but when I did I thought it was great. I just worry that not all might figure it out.

*Star* Creativity/Impact:
The idea of the past as time that is dead and buried is an interesting metaphor. It can be developed further.

*StarG* Message/Theme:
Honestly I'm not sure what the message is. I get the idea of times passed and life spent being compared to a graveyard, but then so what? Personally I would like the message to be clearer, if I just didn't manage to get it.

*StarR* Technique/Technical Notes:
These are just my thoughts and observations. I may not have read the work the way you intended. Please decide for yourself if these comments are helpful to you; if not, feel free to disregard them.

*BulletB* Title - The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see. An excellent title, and certainly one that drew me in straight away.

*BulletG* Grammar/Wording - I noticed nothing that jarred or confounded the reading. This is always a sign of good writing.

*BulletR* Form/Flow - Some occasional rhymes, sometimes alternating, sometimes in couplets, but not regular.

*Bullet* Emotion/Imagery - Some vivid imagery conjured, such as the aged woman and the baby.

*StarBr* Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star**Star**Star**Star* It's a well-composed and lyrical poem with a central conceit that can make it great if further developed. Thank you for a wonderful read!


Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Azrael


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
102
102
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)

Hi, SB Musing , I'm really glad I read this. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers" .

These are just one person's opinions; always remember only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. If I didn't respond to it quite the way you hope, perhaps you will find something useful in the feedback or forget about it - it's all up to you. It's your story.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "Legend of the Forgotten Girl"  -


*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
The story begins with the conflict - and having someone fight for freedom is always a good hook. Angela is some super warrior who manages to fight off twenty armed men and escape to freedom.
It seems more than implausible that an untrained teenage girl would even dare to face off against so many, unless she's Wonder Woman and the readers need to know if she is. Other parts that require suspension of disbelief worthy of a typical Hollywood summer action flick are how all twenty men seemed to shoot to miss, and Angela not being thrown by a rearing horse when she didn't even have a saddle or reins but simply grabbed onto a few strands of hair.
The part where the horse inexplicably rescues the girl, and where they both get shot and yet somehow survive all their injuries are too convenient, like your typical Deus Ex Machina plot device.
*Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
Angela is obviously some kind of super-powered warrior woman, but the reader never gets a sense of what exactly her powers are. For the reader to believe her capable of accomplishing the deeds here, it would be good if you could give more background into her training or if she does have some kind of power or superhuman ability.

Angela's name can be introduced sooner. There is good effort made to show the tension she feels through the description of her grip. Instead of spending the following lines elaborating and repeating what has already been said, perhaps it would make that part tighter if you just chose either the first phrase - Her grip tightened and loosened with every breath she took, or the second more detailed phrase - She breathed in and it tightened, she breathed out and it loosened.
*Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
The story is told from the third-person limited perspective of Angela.
There is generally good effort made to show rather than to tell. The information in the second paragraph about what had happened before the story can do with more of this treatment.

Some of the dialogue by Angela seems stilted - "Take me by force you despicable villains! I am ready!" simply doesn't sound like something a threatened teenage girl against odds would say, but more like something in a movie for exposition purposes.

There are some odd occasions for descriptions, such as describing Flame as a pegasus in the middle of a battle scene. If this is third-person limited, how would Angela know what a pegasus is?
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
The setting of a story is not only about the landscape or physical surroundings. It is also about the atmosphere; the political, social and economic setting all contribute to the feel of a certain place or time.
There are horses, swords and guns used in this story. However I couldn't really figure out whether this is a fantasy setting? medieval? or the country or period? Some more clues woven into the story would help.
*Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
Overall the language is clear enough that I had no problem understanding the story.

There are just some observations where I think a small change would improve the reader's experience (your words are in pink, my comments are in blue):

With every breath she took within the crisp, and clean autumn air painful memories invaded her thoughts, an outward breath would clear those memories.
Put the first comma behind 'air' instead of 'crisp', change second comma after 'thought's to a full stop instead? There are several other occasions of run-on lines where there are too many commas, when starting a new sentence would be better and make the story clearer.

There was wildflowers - use 'were' instead?

it scalped the stallion's shoulder - since to 'scalp' means to remove the top part of a head, perhaps you could replace this word with 'graze' or something similar?

threw the small hole - I think you meant the other 'through' here?

it's head - its head, other horses hoof beats - other horses' hoof beats
*Star**Star**Star*


This is only my humble opinion and given in the spirit of constructive criticism, not to discourage! But here's what would get this a higher rating from me -

1) Formatting issues. There are several odd line/sentence breaks that can easily be fixed with a quick vet. Another round of language vetting would eliminate the grammar and typo errors. And a bit of character exposition to make this female Zorro character more believable would help make this story much much better!

Thanks for a great read!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
103
103
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey, 🌕 HuntersMoon , I'm really glad I found this. Here's what I *Heart* about "Rushin' Intelligence"  -

1) The wit and humour. It's classic Huntersmoon, and then some. There are lots of little sly digs and innuendo littered throughout. My favourite is the deliberate Freudian slip, "Dos Vadanya .. err, bye-bye.” That certainly had me chuckling.

2) The form. Keeping to a rhyme and meter scheme is hard! It requires discipline, Google and word wizardry to do it so well!

3) The politics. I don't know if you're Republican or Democrat, but I think it's safe to say that you have little love for Trump and his Intelligence Committee. It's always nice to be on the same side.

There's absolutely nothing I would change about this piece. It's a wonderful read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
104
104
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hey, Lady Elizabeth Mormont , I'm really glad I read this. Here's what I *Heart* about "The Last Fifteen Years"  -

1) The rhyme and meter scheme. Managing to keep up a regular scheme for both while telling a story is no mean feat indeed! This is especially since you chose a rather difficult aaaa bbbb cccc rhyme scheme, but you made it look easy. Wow!

2) Imagery. I love the image you conjure of the persona with a snow halo, armed and ready for the dangers of the new world.

3) The persona. She's not only a lean, mean nightstalker killing machine who's survived for fifteen years in a post-apocalyptic world, she's got heart as well. Adding in that bit about her mother's song is a nice touch that adds a whole other dimension to her character.

There's absolutely nothing I would change about this piece. It's a wonderful read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
105
105
Review of Malaco Malone  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

Hi, Christopher Roy Denton , I'm really glad I read this. These are just one person's opinions; always remember only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. If I didn't respond to it quite the way you hope, perhaps you will find something useful in the feedback or forget about it - it's all up to you. It's your story.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "Malaco Malone"  -
The standout character of Malaco deserves her own novel. Heck, maybe even her own TV series! Can you imagine pitting her against Sherlock? I'd pay to watch to watch that pilot. This story is part Hard Candy, part detective thriller, and what can I say - I love both.

*BoxCheckB*1) Plot:
Detective John arrives at an arson scene and finds two victims - one very charred and one who appears to have been kidnapped. Further investigation reveals that the 7-year old victim Malaco is in fact some gifted psycho killer with a Daddy complex. Naturally since the police are always a step behind, this revelation comes too late as Malaco has already escaped and is on the loose looking for her next victim.

You always jump right into the story. The hook is in the very first sentence with charred corpse already inviting the reader to ask 'What happened?' and 'Who died?' The reader is invited to piece together what happened, instead of being told what happened e.g. when it is revealed there is an APB on the victim, the reader starts to guess the motive.

The reveal could have been the final twist, and appearing midway through the story almost spoils the buildup, but you save it with a new subplot about preventing her next murder. The reader is momentarily led to think that the CPS lady is the target, but since she is pretty anonymous probably cares more about how Malaco will manage to do so rather than be concerned about her safety.

If someone whom the reader has connected a bit more with is chosen instead of the CPS lady (e.g. Wang), this can build up to the climax of the story. A little more sympathy can be built up for Wang by maybe expanding a bit more about her relationship with the Fire Marshal, and having her mention a marriage or baby in the works, for example. Readers feel more engaged when a character they care about is in danger, right?

Introducing a new character/victim at the end is the Hollywood modus operandi to set up for a sequel, not quite the explosive or thought-provoking or emotionally resonant ending I prefer. But it works in its own way, or it wouldn't be used quite so often, would it?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB*)2) Characterization:
Little tidbits appear throughout the story that help flesh out the characters of John and Wang (mainly John), helping to make them believable. There is lovely banter between John and Wang. Malaco, on the other hand, is completely out of this world.

She is a super villain worthy of her own novel, and after she escapes from custody learning more about her is like a buildup to the next chapter where the police begin the chase for her. But in a short story with a word limit we need to hit the climax right about now. Me? I would build in a situation where the smoke alarm or some other crisis happens that threatens the entire station (maybe kinda tacked on or overkill but if you work in a she-can't-deal-with-rejection angle, that might work?) But that is if I rewrote the story, and it's not mine to rewrite.

But seriously, I think you may have hit upon a bestselling franchise character. Go pitch her to Zack Snyder right now! If he can do something with her like what he did with Watchmen... wow.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB*3) Voice/Style:
Tight, evocative writing with pretty much all senses appealed to - smell (Sunday roast), sight (melted crucifix + many others), touch (bristly chin), and plenty of gripping dialogue. You waste no time in letting the reader know they're in John's mind using third person limited at the end of the 1st paragraph. None of the character exposition parts feel tacked on, but are woven in smoothly into the story.
I especially love your super realistic dialogue, which is what I would expect to hear on the best television series. I loled at your euphemism 'play Mommies and Daddies'!
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB*4) Setting:
What is this obsession with Palm Springs? It's like your favourite suburban dystopia. I feel like your range of characters really make up the personality of the town.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB*5) Grammar & Diction:
In this example, laying on the ground - do you mean to say 'lying' since a jerry can is inanimate? Or it could be a slang thing.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


This is only my humble opinion and given in the spirit of constructive criticism, not to discourage! But here's what would get this a higher rating from me -

Your story is technically perfect (something I've come to expect from Master Bob), but I find there's a lack of punch in the climax. It's chilling, but not quite a story that matches up to the sheer awesomeness of Malaco (Man, I even think she's got super cool-sounding name!) Perhaps how exactly Malaco is different emotionally from a normal kid can be explored more? John could wonder at her calm and response, and think about how his own daughter or son would never act that way. I don't know exactly how, but I feel that Malaco needs a bigger stage.

Thanks for a great read!


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
106
106
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)

Hi, Redlive122 , I'm really glad I read this. Here's what I *Heart* about "A Shot in the Dark."  -

1) Plot:
You have all the ingredients of a classic whodunnit here, following a Sherlock Holmes-style investigation and reveal. The standard hook of an unsolved murder works well enough, and the reader follows the detective as he interrogates the suspects, verifies suspicions and finally solves the case!
The final scene when everyone gathers in the living room for the big reveal is very storybook, which works fine for last-century murder mysteries. It's not quite how a real investigation and arrest would go down, if CSI has any grain of truth to it.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

)2) Characterization:
The detective is a detective who finds clues and solves the case. The suspects are there to be in the lineup for the reader to decide who is guilty. The police assistants are perfectly obedient and handle their given tasks with expedience. I would like it more if at least some of them had more personality.
*Star**Star**Star*

3) Voice/Diction/Style:
The choice of a first-person limited perspective is great, especially for revealing what goes on inside intriguing or unusual minds. Here the reader gets to go through the story as the detective protagonist, who is some sort of modern day Sherlock, without the pipe and hat. is The dialogue very effectively moves the plot along, and also provides the clues and observations that catch the attention of the detective.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

4) Setting:
A murder in a house. Suspects who stayed around after the deed to be picked up. A detective who brilliantly solves the case within an hour of arriving on the scene. There's nothing new here, but nobody ever said that old stuff don't work.
*Star**Star**Star*

5) Grammar:
There are frequent switches between present and past tense, for which I can't find a reason. Take a look at some of these examples -
'I said entering the building' Have you considered using a comma after 'said'?
'my assistant, Jordan Fene, blurted out, while we were inside the building.'

These two sentences at the beginning of the story use past tense...

'I say, I move forward towards the crime scene in the kitchen and talk to the officer in charge,'

Then for a large chunk of the story, it switches to present tense. And later it switches to and fro again several times. Which tense do you want to use? Either one will work, but using both interchangeably may not be such a good idea.

'The blackout started the moment he entered the kitchen, no more than thirty seconds later a gunshot was heard, five minutes after that the power came back.'
How about replacing the commas with full stops, since the sentence subject changes?

'they were empty. he was facing the cabinet' Capitalize 'he'?

These are just some examples of grammatical errors that unfortunately do detract from the overall reading experience. Another round of proofreading will improve this story considerably!
*Star**Star**HalfStar*


This is only my humble opinion and given in the spirit of constructive criticism, not to discourage! But here's what would get this a higher rating from me -

1) Have you considered doing the reveal another way that might be either more dramatic or realistic? Also you might consider playing up the relationship between two characters more to help flesh out their personalities. This can be between the detective and a subordinate, or between two suspects etc. Sometimes such stories are more memorable for their villains than their heroes!

Final impression: You have all the ingredients to make this murder mystery work. It just needs some seasoning!

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
107
107
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi Kyle Curcio , I'm really glad I found this. Here's what I *Heart* about "A Kingdom Through the Hedgerow"  -

1) A young mouse wants to go exploring beyond the hedgerow where it lives. It is counseled against it with warnings of the dangers and difficulties it would face outside. In the end, it does not stray but its dreams still remain.
I'm not sure whether this is a cautionary tale, and if so whether we're supposed to be on the side of the mouse who chooses pragmatism over adventure, or against it. But therein lies the beauty of this poem that allows you to read what you wish, while portraying clearly the story of the mouse. Very well done!*CheckB*

2) The consistent rhyme scheme and meter. There are some uses of half-rhyme, but the smooth meter sweeps up and carries the reader along at a brisk trot so well it is hardly noticeable.
Still would it not be possible to find perfect rhymes for these examples? 'see' with 'possibilities', 'seem' with 'deemed' *CheckB*


Other than the parts that don't completely rhyme, there's nothing else I would change about this work. It's a wonderful piece of children's poetry!

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
108
108
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi Natechia dos Reis , I'm really glad I found this. Here's what I *Heart* about "This was my friend"  -

1) The subject matter. Your intention to honor and positive portrayal of the war's unsung heroes is clearly communicated across to the reader. Everyone loves a reason to celebrate a life or life lost, and your approach to the death of what most would consider an unremarkable person - to bring attention to his small deeds of kindness that had such impact on you is certainly worthy of commendation. It is easy to see why you deserved the award you received for this poem.*CheckB*

2) Your closing lines. Your personification of Death is startling because it is so unlike most portrayals. Death is usually cold and merciless, or seen to be evil and sinister. But here you have a Death who recognizes the value of the persona's friend, the significance of his loss, and commiserates. It's a beautiful way to end the poem.*CheckB*


Here's what would get this a higher rating from me:
I'm no poet laureate nor an expert, so this is only my personal response and opinion. The issue with many personal poems is that they tend to focus on the persona (usually the poet) because they describe a personal experience and feelings. No reader can say anything against those feelings because they belong to the person who feels them! But the thing (to me at least) that distinguishes poetry from a blog is that a poem engages the reader on its merit. This means that on top of stylistic techniques that may need to be used, some storytelling techniques may also need to come into use.

Okay what do I mean? If you want the reader to feel what you feel, you need the reader to care about you. Just think about it, if you pour out your troubles to a stranger, would the stranger feel what you're going through? But if you rant to a good friend, you're likelier to get the response you want.
So here unless you can effectively paint through your verse how the world has suffered because of this man's loss, then you need the reader to like or love you, so they will care about your loss.

In short, if your poem can make me cry because the persona is distraught about something in it, then that is a five-star poem for me.

I hope I don't come across as too harsh. I noted that you wanted to enter this poem in a contest, and just want to help you make this poem better so that it does well.

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
109
109
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi 💙 Carly , I'm really glad I found this. Here's what I *Heart* about "Bring My Purpose To Light"  -

1) The juxtaposition of night and day. Throughout the poem, you contrast your observations of them, their effects on you, and in doing so you managed to create a sense of calm and balance. This imparts a sense of groundedness/centeredness to the persona as well.*CheckB*
2) The uplifting mood at the end. The message of the poem is positive, and shows an interesting mix of calm and eagerness from the persona to embrace the new day.*CheckB*

3) Imagery. You have some beautiful phrases here. My favorite is 'the dark velvet of night // that slips away // as the colours stretch'. I think your personification of the lengthening colors of day really captures the scene well.*CheckB*


Here's what would get this a higher rating from me:
This is probably just me, but because this is such a personal poem, the reader who will relate to it most is you, of course. The theme of embracing the new day is universal enough to draw in many readers and make a connection, but the poem seems to be more about sharing you (your perspective, approach to life etc) than an idea. If the focus shifts just ever so slightly to develop the idea of how a new day transforms all of us - maybe you can observe its effects on some other people, on the landscape, animals etc. that would make the poem more appealing to me. But that's just me!


Thanks for a great read! Good luck for the contest!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
110
110
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi Paul D , I'm really glad I found this. Here's what I *Heart* about "Just a Little Magic"  -

1) The time loop resolution. Rather clever - forcing Sarah to relive that day over and over, as well as trapping her in some weird dimension where Dansville doesn't exist anymore.*CheckB*

2) Presentation. Your short paragraphs and large fonts make it really easy to read through the entire story.*CheckB*


Here's what would get this a higher rating from me:

There are a few too many uses of the semi-colon for my taste. Many of these instances can easily be replaced with simple full-stops. There are also some niggly grammar blips that another round of proofreading should be able to catch and eliminate. They don't really detract too much from the overall experience, but removing them will make your story a whole lot better!

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
111
111
Review of I Like Marigolds  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

Hi, Christopher Roy Denton }, I'm really glad I read this. Here's what I *Heart* about "I Like Marigolds"  -

1) Characterization:
Glenda is a really complex character, and I would say perhaps that she is most defined by her tough love for her grandchildren. It's a little tough to really sympathise with her, because despite the hardships she has gone through, she survived and has become the tough cookie she is because of them. Now since a lot of the emotional weight of the story is carried by her, her sacrifice really needs to hit the reader hard. For me at least, it is not so much the act of passing that causes grief. It is the pain of leaving loved ones behind, or the pain of those left behind at the passing. This is where I think putting a softer touch to her, perhaps showing how much she would miss her grandchildren, reminiscing about vignettes of shared memories etc. might build up to a greater impact when the climax hits.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

2) Setting:
I think it's pretty spooky to have a crypt right where you live! There's so much potential to crank up the chill factor with that, so I'm just a mite disappointed that it wasn't played up more. I'm actually not sure whether I read the GoT Lannister-thingie (not sure whether I can use the 'i' word in a public review) suggestion correctly, but if I'm right about that being the more than just hitting part then having a crypt on the plot has the potential to add some sort of chilling symbolism to that. Something along the lines of 'Once a Murphy girl, alway a Murphy girl' or keeping it in the family kind of thing. I'm not so great at expressing that hur hur.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

3) Voice/Diction/Style:
The balance between descriptions and dialogue is great, and there are some phrases that jump off the pages. 'Some brute who fed her knuckle sandwiches for breakfast and an underdone sausage for supper' - this one had me roaring with delight. It's quite possible my most favourite of all your choice descriptions. Another is 'sun browned fields that cried of neglect'.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

4) Plot:
All the elements you need to establish the build up to the climax are in place. You have Glenda's relationship and concern for her grandchildren. You have Sara's tumultuous relationship with Angus. And of course you have the jalapeños. Let's not forget the little clues you left all over concerning the family's darkest secrets before the final big reveal. It took me a second reading to catch all of them but they all combined powerfully to create a great slow-burn thriller.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

5) Grammar:
Flawless, as usual.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


Here's what would get this a higher rating from me -

1) As I mentioned under the Characterisation comments, I need to feel for Glenda more. Either that, or I need to feel her loss from the perspective of those who love and will miss her. If you can work that in, the impact of her passing will create a far greater climax. And those echoes of dirty family secrets will keep echoing with every throb of grief.

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
112
112
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hey, Christopher Roy Denton I'm really glad I found this. Here's what I *Heart* about "When Bobby Met Ken"  aka Brokeback Manhattan -

1) The hilarious caricatures of 2 WDC celebrities. Is Bobby the first gay vampire? Oh no, wait - that would be Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise.

2) The heartbreak. Aww poor Bobby! Well at least he got a Potion of Immortality out of it. I hear those sell really well on eBay.

3) The cheeky dialogue. Obviously the cheekiest part is when Ken calls Bobby 'Sweet-Cheeks'!

There's absolutely nothing I would change about this piece. It's a wonderful read! I'm still laughing!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
113
113
Review of The Rebirthday  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

Hi, 🌕 HuntersMoon }, I'm really glad I read this. Here's what I *Heart* about "The Rebirthday"  -

1) Characterization:
Your unconventional take on the vampire is brilliant! Sunburn? Arthritis? Covenant rules? You need to expand this into an Anne Rice empire. Peter the vampire has much of your own personality - humorous, horny *Laugh* and hugely entertaining. *CheckB*

2) Setting:
You have great descriptions that really capture the setting of the 'crypt'? or at least the night with just a few choice lines. Sight and smell are evoked right from the start, and then the chill is felt in the next paragraph. My favorite is 'perfume of life permeated the dark chamber'. Nice bit of alliteration there too. It really says a lot about a writer's skill when they can appeal to so many senses without going overboard with descriptions. *CheckB*

3) Voice/Diction/Style:
Your cleverness with words is apparent just from the title alone - Rebirth Day is wicked good! I love how you weave in continuity between lines and paragraphs -

e.g. “We have conquered darkness,” he remembered saying.

“But, not the darkness in men’s hearts,”

There is a very 🌕 HuntersMoon brand of tongue-in-cheek suggestiveness throughout, with phrases like 'taut trousers', 'Vampire Viagra' and 'lovely wares' giving just a hint of the sexual without descending into erotica. You really do have a thing for alliteration, don't you? (Me too, lol!)*CheckB*

4) Plot:
Peter wakes up for his annual birthday feast, and alas! he's not getting any older, he just feels that way*BigSmile*. Methinks the lady doth protest too little, but there's only so much we can fit into 800 words, right? *CheckB*

5) Grammar:
Flawless, which is par for the 🌕 HuntersMoon's course. *CheckB*


There's absolutely nothing I would want to be changed here. It's wonderful. Thanks for a great read, and may the best vampire win!

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Review by Azrael Tseng
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, QPdoll , I'm really glad I read this. Here's what I *Heart* about "Midnight, Psychocat"  -

1) Characterization:
Midnight is quite the character! Was she really your pet, or fictitious? I love the way you used first-person voice to get the reader into her head. Her reactions and ruminations are hilarious, provided you're not her target of course! She's evil, but because she comes in a fluffy and I'm guessing rather cute package, you can't help but be tickled by her machinations. I wonder if she is inspired by Tom & Jerry, cos I can totally see Tom's snickering face when Midnight reveals her wicked plans! *CheckB*

2) Setting:
The world of Midnight, as seen through her own eyes, is one of power, mischief, and domination. You covered a range of senses well, letting the reader experience her world through her own ears, eyes, smell, and touch. This really helps immerse one in the sensory realm of a cat. *CheckB*

3) Voice/Diction/Style:
I mentioned the clever use of first-person narrative before (in the wrong category oops), equally important and effective is your choice to tell the story using the present tense. This lets the reader live the moment and experience every emotion and action together with Midnight as it happens. Brilliant! *CheckB*

4) Plot:
Omigod, I love the twist at the end when she gets her payback. Not that she ends up at the shelter, no that's not the twist, but the fact that she is reduced to a trembling bottom-dweller/noob when throughout the story she is on a manic power-trip - that, to me, is an awesome twist. *CheckB*


Here's what would get this a higher rating from me -

1) Grammar:
There are many occasions when the narrative lapses back into the past tense, then again the present, creating quite a fair bit of confusion. I would suggest that you change all the past tense instances to present tense to better fit the flow of a most excellent story.

Thank you for a great read!




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115
Review of The Treasure Map  
Review by Azrael Tseng
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Christopher Roy Denton , I'm really glad I read this. Here's what I *Heart* about "The Treasure Map"  -

1) Characterization:
Samantha seems to be just an everygirl with a proclivity for old paper. Most of her personality is brought out through her interactions with others - at times she is sassy, 'greedy', jealous - well, she's just like you and me, right? *CheckB*

2) Setting:
The Irish setting is cleverly suggested at through little name drops like the Shenandoagh River, the cartographer's name O'Hara and the Gaelic writing. And, of course, the vicious leprechaun at the end. *CheckB*

3) Voice/Diction/Style:
As par for Robert Baker, the story moves along at a brisk clip, carried by a good mixture of dialogue and narration. *CheckB*

4) Plot:
The twist at the end is brilliant. A treasure-hunter gets to the end of the rainbow, only to find that she's the pot of gold, or stew, or however leprechauns like their meat! Ew!*CheckB*

5) Grammar:
Flawless, but that's also par for the Baker course, no? *CheckB*


Here's what would get this a higher rating from me -

1) The hook isn't quite delivered strongly enough, so the reader's moving along but not entirely sure why, except that the map or story must lead somewhere, right? Here's where I think if you let on a bit more about treasure legends or myths, what one might expect to find or even a hint of some of the dangers that might be faced somewhere right after Samantha gets the map (2nd paragraph, maybe? And she can get interrupted from her reverie by the shopkeeper?), then suddenly the reader has more to hang onto. There will be a sense of eagerness for Samantha to get that map at all costs! And to egg her on silently to listen to her friend and go on the adventure. The rivalry between her and Alice can also be played up a tad more.

2) This point is completely subjective to me hehe, but I want to get a better sense of the Irish landscape. I want to feel the grandeur of the adventure, or seeing a new place, exploring where few have tread before. So maybe a few choice descriptions? But that's just my taste.




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Review of Ka Mua  
Review by Azrael Tseng
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


So the thing about wandering into a poet's head is... the surrealism of the experience. Mind-blown. I'm just glad I didn't happen upon this on a Monday morning, or I'd be in an ER right now. Here's what I love about "Ka Mua"  -

1) Spellbinding imagery. Okay, which one do I pick? I'm like a kid at a candy store buffet. 'Cheshire moon' stands out, although I'm exactly sure in the best way. Sure I get the sharp image of the crescent moon like the crazy cat's grin, but all the other imagery used is either cosmic or nature-based. Having one that comes out of a fantasy tale can be seen as either adding a splash of the surreal, or jarring with the rest of the flow. Hmmm...

2) Magical mood. My guess is that this is an evocative poem aimed at capturing some philosophical or emotional moment. I couldn't really decipher a coherent message beyond that. You did a great job creating the flow and drawing the reader into the high you're feeling, like a charismatic speaker rambling on to a captivated audience who understand little of what is meant but who feel the power of the words, of the mellifluous voice.

Here's what would earn this a higher rating from unworthy moi -

Just a wee bit more clarity? Even though you provide a glossary of sorts at the end, there are two Hawaiian phrases that I simply do not understand. So I watched 'Lilo & Stitch' and visited Hawaii just one time, and those phrases sound really musical when I try to imagine a sing-song lilt to them. However I still don't know what they mean, and my guesses are... well, actually I'm not even guessing (brain too overwhelmed).

So I do love your ways with words, but there's such a thing as too much Fyndorian for one's health, you know! Well, if it isn't a thing, it is now. I need to check my battered brain into a nice spa now, and let someone massage functionality back into it...


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117
Review of Childhood Trauma  
Review by Azrael Tseng
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey Chris Breva ,

Happy account anniversary!

I chose to review this piece because I can relate to it personally. Here's what I love about "Childhood Trauma"  -

1) Honest prose. You don't try to dramatize your life, but simply put down what happened. It's cathartic, isn't it? Simply to be able to put it down in words helps us to accept what happened, and begin to deal with it better.

Since this isn't a narrative, I don't really know what stylistic features I should comment on. It's like telling someone you shouldn't write your diary a certain way, which to me is just b***.

Instead I'll just tell you how very similar our childhood/teenage situations were. I also had a sister who was sick (epileptic). Although she didn't die, the stress of coping with her condition drove my dad to drink and I suffered for it. (My mum suffered more, but being a self-absorbed teen 'brat' I only noticed what I was going through.)

But just like your dad, my dad was a good man who did the best he could, except that his best simply wasn't very good sometimes. As for the scars, I will carry them all my life as well.


A kindred soul



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Review of The Honey Bucket  
Review by Azrael Tseng
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for pointing me to this wonderful anecdotal story-poem, 🌕 HuntersMoon . This is what I love about "The Honey Bucket"  :

1) Smooth rhyme scheme - you managed to maintain your rhyming couplets throughout while telling the story, without any part being awkward.

2) The humour and build-up. The incident can really be summed up in a single sentence - 'I fell into a s***hole', but you managed to weave an entire story-poem around it, and made it entertaining from beginning to end. That is the hallmark of a great storyteller!

What would have earned this a higher rating from me:

If you managed to do the whole thing in iambic pentameter (or just iambic meter), now that would be a 5-star feat!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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119
Review of The Survivalist  
Review by Azrael Tseng
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hmm, a twisted version of Kafka's 'Metamorphosis', with less political subtext. Here's what I love about "The Survivalist"  -

1) The reverse take on Kafka's classic, of course. Where Gregor inexplicably found himself transformed and struggles to accept his new identity, Bob deliberately changes himself into a creature that sends shudders through most people. And it is a most pragmatic decision, given the cockroach's reputation for surviving cataclysms and high radiation resistance. One can only hope no giant newspaper rolls come swatting down from the sky.

2) To quote a certain whip-toting action hero, "Snakes. Why'd it have to be snakes?" (*insert cockroaches in place of snakes). It is this choice that delivers most of the shock/horror factor in a really short story.

Here's what would earn this a higher rating from me:

Okay, I'm not a judge, but I'm not entirely sure this qualifies as writing from a bug's point of view. After all, Bob is still more human than roach, isn't he? In truth, I never thought that Kafka did a good job of conveying the uniqueness of a bug's point of view in his story either, and that 'Metamorphosis' gained status due more to its social/political commentary than the quality of writing. Here is where I was hoping the great 🌕 HuntersMoon would deliver where Kafka failed - to thrill and absorb us in a world seen through a cockroach's many eyes. To lose us in its perspective to the point we have to shake our minds free.

But there's still time, and over 2000 words to fill, isn't there?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Anger Management  
Review by Azrael Tseng
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Here's what I love about "Anger Management" :

1) The human drama. The interactions between the characters, their realistic reactions, as well as how the scene unfolds kept me glued.

2) The ambiguous ending. I like being left clues to figure what really went on.

What would have earned a higher rating from me:

Well, I do like figuring things out for myself, but in this case there's just a wee bit too much to unravel. Why does the receptionist first refer to the woman as Ms Piermont, then as Bailey Smith?? If Smith is mental (and the hospital staff all seem to know her), why isn't she in a psych ward? After her meltdown, why isn't she in restraints or in police custody?

Perhaps if there is only one mystery to focus on unraveling, I would not be so confused.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
121
121
Review by Azrael Tseng
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow, this is extremely well-written! I think Angus must have had a hard time choosing... Here is what I love about "Birds of a Feather" :

1) The writing. Whether it's description, dialogue or getting into the head of the character, you get it all done right. No wasted words. It is a very well-balanced piece, and the atmosphere of tension and suspense is maintained until the revelation at the end. I especially love how you weaved in dialogue, onomatopoeia, and thoughts to keep the story going, as in how they never disrupt the narrative flow but add to it. That is skill.

2) Your attention to detail. You named all the types of birds! Phrases like 'sonic cacophony' (very nice), and other specialized words like 'aviaries' and 'plumage' really complement the theme and feel of the story.

What would have earned this a higher rating from me:

If this wasn't an entry for 'Screams', I actually would have given it 5 stars, simply because I would treat it as a great writing of suspense. However, as a 'Screams' entry, I want more of a scare. I want to SCREAM!! I want to feel fear pounding in my heart. I want to have to put down your story to breathe, because it's that scary.

Perhaps if you made Chloe care more about her uncle, and wrote in a part at the end where she calls him about his birds flying off only to hear him meet his end on the road... that would make for a more terrifying ending for me.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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122
Review of Where's My Car?  
Review by Azrael Tseng
Rated: E | (4.0)
Bandersnatch , can't thank you enough for your generosity for my Writer's Cramp entry. I didn't notice it until I clicked on the next email that informed me that I have received GPs! This is more than the equivalent of winning the Cramp. Okay, anyway on to the review. Here's what I loved about"Where's My Car?" :

1) The technobabble. The wit and innuendo woven in. Tesla Ego. *BigSmile* X-paintZ, boy it sure doesn't come cheap, does it? *Wink* TrumpZ5? Why 5 though? I've written a scifi novel where I describe similar technologies, so everything strikes close to the heart. ('Thoughtbursts' is my favorite coined phrase).

2) How you effectively painted a futuristic world in four hundred words without actually describing anything! Just by sharing the ramblings of a Alz (in my world, Alzheimer's has been cured) - that is truly an amazing feat.

This is not a criticism of your writing, but simply a personal gripe of my preference. It saddens me to read that in your world of the future, capitalism is still king. Economists have predicted since the 1920s that capitalism is merely a transition state, a self-devouring system sustainable only for the mid-term and tenable only with regulation and government intervention, so it distresses me that almost a century later, we might still not have progressed beyond that.

But that's just me - always seeing the dark side of things! I loved your clever twist ending!
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Review of Talbata's Tavern  
Review by Azrael Tseng
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Rovera ,

Nice to see a fantasy writer come in! You write really well, and I look forward to reading more of your stories. Here's what I love about "Talbata's Tavern" :

1) Creative language. There is lyricism and poetry woven into your prose. A wide range of descriptions and inspired expressions such as 'battles and brewed songs' really add colour to the place.

2) The way you blend Talbata and her establishment into one. What I mean is, when I read this piece, I got this sense of how Talbatha's personality made this place, but also how the tavern helped to define and shape Talbata as well. It also reminded me of Otik's tavern in Solace (you'll get it if you're a Dragonlance fan).

That being said, this isn't so much a story as it is a well-written piece of description. Personally I think you'll stand a better chance of winning if you develop this into a narrative (but what do I know? I'm just a newbie like you! lol)
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Review of Know Thine Enemy  
for entry "Chapter 1" 
Review by Azrael Tseng
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Star Trek fan here, am I right? Well, me too! So I found your name on the NAG showcase and checked out your portfolio. It is very well laid-out! As a newbie who is also into writing novels, I am inspired by the way you ask for specific feedback on the chapters you're concerned about. It shows that you're not just seeking fans, but improvement in writing skill. If you see striking similarities in layout on a visit to my portfolio, well, you know where it came from.

So this is what I like about Chapter 1 of 'Know Thine Enemy':

1) The action begins right away. No draggy character exposition. And it's easy to see how the near-miss incident may spark chains of events that make up a novel. Something worth starting a war to protect? Hmm, sounds interesting.

2) Effective and authentic dialogue. Okay, well, it's been over twenty years since I last served with the military, and it wasn't like I was on a starship, but the language used sounds credible enough to me. Without going into a single descriptive paragraph, you managed to paint the entire scenario simply through the dialogue between the captain and various officers. Great for those readers who skip descriptive paragraphs and pick out only the action! (I won't lie, I've done it before, but only during my impatient teenage years)

So in response to your question - does this chapter have a hook? Yes, I'd say it does. Not a terrifically intriguing or original one, but it's there. But I may simply be jaded from watching far too many episodes of Battlestar Galactica and Firefly to be drawn in by yet another close-call event. TV has destroyed our capacity to appreciate suspense, and replaced it with an appetite for visceral violence and gut-wrenching gore.

Here is what I would suggest to make the chapter better (not that I'm an authority on this, so take this with as much salt as you wish):

1) Perhaps the character exposition begins in later chapters, but I would prefer to experience right from the beginning a sense of something special. A truly unique and intriguing character, situation, or world would do it for me. If you work one of those into the first chapter, it would complement nicely the situational hook you already have going.

2) Get a proofreader, and remove all the little niggly grammar and punctuation errors. There's nothing glaring, but to a grammar Nazi like myself they stand out enough to detract from the overall reading experience.

I would love to exchange notes with you, since we are both into writing science fiction novels. Hope you didn't find my comments too harsh.
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Review by Azrael Tseng
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Echoes of 'The Road', except from the perspective of the cannibals. Here's what I loved about 'Winter in Palm Springs':

1) How you made the reader first identify with the struggles of the family as post-apocalyptic survivors before revealing slowly towards the end what they do to survive. It was only apparent during the pool scene, and the dread created then is sustained to the very end.

2) Gritty and realistic depiction of the future created by a good mix of details and descriptions. There is nothing over the top, nothing superfluous, but everything combines well to good effect. An especially nice touch is the effort put into trying to imagine how the world of Before would be viewed after the rock.

3) The last reason is not an objective, but personal one. This piece resonated with me because I have a similar view of the world post-apocalypse. And I love such stories.

There is absolutely nothing I would change about this story. It is a deserved winner, and makes me want to read more of your writings!
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