First of all, writing about your own life would be called an autobiography as opposed to writing a biography about someone else like Abraham Lincoln.
Second in your introductory prompt there is a typo and the word “dies” is spelled “dips”.
The strength of the writing is in the narrative. Kind of Holden Caulfield like. In many spots you use parenthesis where you either don’t really need them or could omit the added thought all together. For example the parenthesis around the exaggeration about the swimming in siblings could be omitted as an afterthought and around the pronunciation of Ady’s name you didn’t really need to include the parenthesis at all.
Is Aidan’s Day the title of the chapter or the title of the novel?
My favorite part of this poem is actually the last stanza. It is powerful and evoking and it contains little reference to the Disney princesses as the first two stanzas do. The first stanza is the weakest crossing Cinderella with Aurora of Sleeping Beauty. The second comes around a bit still heavily steeped in the Disney princess genre with the Snow White references but definitely a more powerful bit than the first.
A very impressive poem, so much imagery in a poem that really brings out the feelings of holding onto a dream despite the fact that everyone is encouraging you to give it up for the cumbersome weight of responsibility and finding a place in “society” AKA the village of doubt. We are left with the feeling that it is simply a matter of time before the dream is given of fatigued from holding on it is inevitable to give up the hope of ever attaining it.
My favorite part of this poem was the reoccurring line “Do I really know you?” At the end of each stanza. I felt as if some portions of this poem were forced into rhyme. For example:
“I wonder if our dreams are the same.
or if you’re playing some damned game”
the word “damned” although reinforcing the feeling of loathing, seems like too much.
Another example of a forced rhyme would be:
“Redundant as it might sound
I wonder how long you’ll stick around”
I think this poem has an excellent foundation and has great potential with some tweaking and refining.
I thought this was an excellent poem that brings a smile to the face and a stab of nostalgia before clouding us with the burden of responsibility and the hardships of life. I do have a few suggestion for the poem but they are completely arbitrary.
First
"And words were that of rhyme."
"And the kiss that means so much"
I would omit the word "and" in each of these lines.
Second
"Happiness of the heart"
In this line I would omit the word "the"
Third
"Years are added on"
in this line I would omit the word "are"
In my opinion the words just seems to roll of the tounge better that way. The poem came from your heart and mind however, so I leave it to your judgement to do what is best for the poem.
"his fist lifted her up into the air by her collar"
at this point it would have been nice to have had a bit of background description on how Charmian is dressed. At this time the only real things we have been told are that she has a jacket...sometimes ..
which is presumably in her bottomless backpack at times. We have also been told that she is wearing sandals. The reason I state this at this time is because of the obvious reference to the "collar" is it her shirt collar or that of her jacket? Is she even wearing her jacket at this juncture?
"Oh NUTS."
This gave me a good laugh.
The spirits in the crystals and the transfer of Augwak into Pomiere's body is an interesting plot device.
As I read this poem, I got the feeling that you were trying a little to hard to make it rhytmic and that perhaps this poem would have been better served as a free style unrhyming poem. I also felt that the quoted period "." at the end was unnecessary.
Charmian goes on her trek to find Ocryxana we go through her trials of climbing and scratching her way along with a fireling on a stick for light. Her fingers bleeding (her feet must be killing her remembering the earlier reference to her only wearing sandals)
Antoine Pomiere then appears somewhat out of nowhere sitting atop a rocky slope. They then proceed to have an odd name dropping conversation in a sort of who knows who on the island.
Upon describing Antoine's looks, Charmian thinks that he is not as handsome as Justin followed by the trailer, "Not that she thought Justin was handsome or anything" Which I think is kind or ridiculous since there is absolutely nothing wrong with allowing Charmian to think that Justin is handsome.
Charmian's conversation with Antoine does help slightly in regards to the geography of the island with the caves.
They seemed to stumble upon Ocyxana's cave a bit too easily,
Once again and as always the cliffhanger is down well with something, presumably some sort of essence swapping with the stone and Antoine causing his body to transform and the red stone to turn blue.
"He responded by wheezing and trying unsuccessfully to push himself up, so at least he was still alive."
I would recommend deleting the last segment, "so at least he was still alive."
"lowering his horns"
We are now positive that Justin has assumed his Ocryx form without knowing exactly when it happened. It seems that the transformation is instantaneous.
I like the idea of the Halloween segment, it helps connect Charmian back to her mainland life before her adventure here on Manitou Island had begun. The paragraph could use some adjustments in the way the memory was written. Instead of
"She had some surreal feelings of Halloween, when one year trick-or-treating she'd gone to a haunted house and had seen somebody lying on the porch. Of course, it had been just a stuffed dummy, put out to frighten kids. But back then she'd been so little that the thing had seemed real lying there like that, and like facing Drake earlier, she'd been too afraid to get close to it, lest she find out she was right."
A surreal feeling which reminded her of a Halloween some years back jolted her senses.(this added to link the moment and explain to the reader that the memory was one of Charmians elementary years) She had approached a haunted house while trick or treating and someone or something was lying on the porch. Of course it had been just a stuffed dummy put out to frighten kids. (not wanting to start a sentence with the word But)It frightened her then but it seemed so real to her at the time. (again alluding to it being from her younger years without repeating all the she'd been so little stuff, and the really incoherent bit "like facing Drake earlier", and tidying it up)
No. This is not where she lives. Her home is on no map that I know of. (you could delete "that I know of")
Manitou Island has a better than average plot line, it's the little things that need tweeking. The way things are worded (like the Halloween paragraph) and the omission of important details (like Justin's transformation from Ocryx to human form and the ambiance of light being either not described or described too late as was the case when Drake and Charmian woke up late in the Native hut and When Charmian entered Moon Wolf's cave and it took several paragraphs of conversation before the appearance of the crackling fire).
When I think of Justin's necklace I think of it as an amulet or tailsman. Have you ever considered using using those words for it sometime?
"You're done hiding behind others!" Moon Wolf shouted, eyes ice. "You face him alone!"
Is Charmian supposed to fight like she stepped into the Matrix without any instruction? I am a bit perplexed and yet this isn't really a bad thing....unless we never find out what Charmian's power is. Considering this is only Chapter 40 out of more than 100 there's time. Please tell me we find out!
"He glared at Moon Wolf, baring his teeth."
It seems with this description that Justin has morphed into his Ocryx form yet it was never stated whether he had or not.
Augwak's taunts are typical of fictional villain's expecially on TV and in the movies.
Charmian exhibits bravery in spades as she steps up and demands: LET HIM GO!"
Justin and Moon Wolf have kind of disappeared at this point and we begin to wonder what their reaction is to all of this. We knew right away when Charmian went out to face Augwak that Justin was unhappy about it and Moon Wolf sternly insisted that Charmian handle the situation on her own but when "she" (we are assuming Ocryxana from all indications) arrives it's almost as if Justin and Moon Wolf aren't even there.
"knic knac's" is spelled Knick Knack's.
I felt as if the lines were not broken up smoothly for example I would have omitted the "and" between souls and set then began the new line: "sets them on shelves"
new line: " all dressed up in plastic buckskins and nylon hair.
I also would suggest the full spelling of the word Indians, and to not capitalize the word trickster's
The subject of the poem is excellent and I really like the way the words you chose fit together. This poem has the potential to be a 4 or 5 star item with just a few tweaks.
"She craned her neck further and saw another familiar face"
When you do this you may want to describe the way Moon Wolf looks. Does he look exactly as he did in the dream? I do not recall exactly what he looked like so many chapters ago and it's a good spot for inserting description.
"He was told?" Charmian frowned. "But I think the only people who knew were in Stick-In-The-Dirt's camp. I didn't get to talk to anyone else before I left, and I didn't see it there. Who would've told it?"
This could be shortened to be more effective. Omitting all the speculation and just as follows:
"He was told?" Charmian frowned. "But who would've told it?"
he feels he owes you some sort of debt, and he wishes to repay it."
Are Manitou's like Wookies?
"Maybe I can have him do something dinky"
Come on Charmian ....
The communication with the Manitou is somewhat absurd and goes on for far too long. It's main purpose was to establish how different the Manitou language is with whistles ect.
"Moon Wolf said, poking a stick in the fire near him"
Once again the ambiance changes with a fire previously unmentioned appears in the scenery.
"The young man flushed"
Maybe I read it too quickly but when did Justin morph back into human form from Ocryx?
reflecting about ones own personal feelings when at a crossroad in life and don't know which road to follow is a common theme in poetry. It is revealed at the end that you know what you have to do I got to move on
you're just not clear exactly how you want to get about doing what you know you have to do.
as a critic of the poetry I would suggest replacing the word "got" with "have".
"Whatever had launched itself at Justin, there was more than just one. At least half a dozen of the things, or more, zoomed and zigzagged around the clearing, bouncing off trees and rocks, screeching and hissing."
I think that these sentences can be combined into a single clear sentence:
There were half a dozen or more things just like the one that had launched itself at Justin; screeching and hissing they zommed and zigzagged around the clearing bouncing off rocks and trees.
That's the kind of thing I run into most often in Manitou Island. It's hard to explain because it's not a plot fault nor is it grammar really. I guess I'd call it "presentation".
He looked surprised. "Fourteen? For some reason I had thought you were younger. And yet older. You act much more responsibly than some your age."
younger yet older....Justin has fallen into an oxymoron and from what I've read Charmian seem to act just like I'd expect a 14 year old to act. Immature and childish with signs of maturity creeping in and I think that's what Justin was meaning to say.
"and her sandal"
and now 38 chapters later I have to change the picture of Charmian in my head exchanging the K-Swiss tennis shoes for sandals....or did she pull these out of her bottomless backpack whilst I wasn't paying attention? I still feel as if Charmian was never accurately described, or Drake for that matter. The best described character has been Tal Natha:
"His own eyes glowed brighter than any gems that surrounded him, floating like two disembodied emeralds in the dimness...... The faint glint of a curving horn. The glossy blackness of a wolf's fur. Feathered wings, and a long winding snake's tail"
and that's from the prolouge back when I thought Tal Natha was this wise and sinister dreamspinner demon which was pretty cool. Since meeting him in "person" (in a story book context of course) Tal Natha has proved to be less wise and less sinister.
I like Manitou Island very much. You have a great imagination. I have seen that there are two sequal serials after this lengthy one which makes this epic even longer than it appears. I may have mentioned this before but seeing the titles of parts two and three remind me of the old movies Return to and Escape from Witch Mountain. Just the titles mind you not the actual stories which I have not yet read obviously since I am still on Chapter 38 of Part One!
The best part of this poem in my opinion is the ending which wraps up all the feelings of the prior parts into a concise conclusion.
Several of the lines however did not fit so smoothly.
I hear your good friend Tina
Slammed your face in
Looks like she's not so friendly now
For some reason this portion hangs out like a sore thumb. Perhaps it's the proper name that steps out from the otherwise rather anonymous feeling. We don't know the name of the voice or the name of it's recepient, yet we know Tina's.
The reason I rate a 3.5 instead of a 4 however, is mostly because when read all together the poem seems trite to me.
in the first paragraph the word "it" is overused, mix it up a bit "it" can be called an "Ocryx", "creature" or "demon".
At the point when Justin Dupries is revealed to be an Ocryx too, we are not surprised but begin to wonder why some Ocryx's take on a human form and others do not. I have now counted no less than 10 different Ocryx's 5 of which remain in wolf/demon form, 3 that have remained in human form except for brief periods, and two that exist only on an astral level in dreams and in the mind. The nature and relationship of the Ocryx's seems to be increasingly complex as one large and very disfunctional family. As Justin tells his story, I wonder, why would Justin's mother want Ocryx to be the father of her child? With a sterile husband you'd think she'd either adopt or if she had to have a child of her own choose a father that wasn't a demon wolf.
"....or something..."
It seems so awkward when Charmian ends her statements this way.
"She knew it wouldn't hurt him, from having roughhoused so many times with her dog"
For some reason this sentence seems wrong. At least the roughhoused with her dog part..
"Well...I thought we did, at first, but now I think we might be wrong.."
I am in favor of omitting "at first"
"wide enough for them to peruse it."
typo the "s" and "u" are transposed in the word persue.
"a doofy grin"
doofy? or was it supposed to be goofy?
Once again a suitable cliffhanger ending and the televison program like format jumps to mind again and I'm half expecting a deep narrator's voice to boom, "Next week on Manitou Island" before a brief preview of the next chapter.
"she didn't even care that they didn't have potatoes."
Why potatoes?
"she was underage"
A reader is already well aware of her age and do not need to be reminded of Charmian's age. Manitou Island is clearly a place where age doesn't matter as much in regards to such things as alcoholic beverages. You can still have Charmian realize that it is wine and knowing so limit Drakes intake to prevent his drunkeness but in a less prudish way. The whole bit about being good for the French but not for teenagers is absurd.
"You and Dakh are so selfish."
I really have a hard time seeing Charmian validating the selfishness of Sikt or Dakh. If anything Charmian has been the more selfish character.
This chapter gets better as it goes along the trek through the dark and the meeting of yet anothe Ocryx is done interestingly enough. Some of the complaining done by Charmian to Sikt is a bit lame but the idea of her bickering at the Ocryx in her mind is a good one. Once again the cliffhanger is left at an appropriate spot leaving the new Ocryx's identity a secret until the next episode of Manitou Island, which is really the way this story is unfolding for me some 36 chapters in. Each chapter is like an episode of a television show. Maybe you should look into writing each Manitou Island chapter/episode out as a screenplay....just to get that perspective on it, who knows I could be crazy to suggest it, but it sounds like fun.
"bobbed her head as if she were Japanese"
I would consider revising this some could take the ethnic stereotype the wrong way.
Other than that this is one of the best Chapters thus far. The council helps sort out much of the Ocryx/human relationship and although there are a few sentences that seem reworkable, there is nothing that stands out blatantly.
This story has the S.E. Hinton feel to it expecially close to Rumble Fish. There is some good use of description throughout.
What brings the rating down to a 3 is the fact that there are many typos. One of the most common errors found is the use of the word "his" in places where you should have used "he's".
Give this story a good edit and it could improve tremendously.
".wigwam...or whatever she supposed it was"
Once again Charmian need not "suppose"
"After that part, stupid."
"You broke it, idiot."
"YES, stupid!!
.....Charmian back to belittling Drake repeatedly without remorse.
"When...whoever that Ocryx was chased you"
instead perhaps: "When the...Ocryx that chased you.."
"That was just HIM, stupid!"
that word..."stupid" just shows up in Charmians dialouge way too often it diminishes her stock as a main character in the eyes of a reader.
(how did the Indians light their homes?)
good point and it totally changes my idea of the previous conversation between Charmian and Drake which must have been in total darkness yet every indication was that it was carried on in perfect light.
The plot kind of meanders here with Drake and Charmian awakening late, Red Bird's pregnancy and getting past the braves.
I really like the physic like connection the two Natha's have in their heads it adds to the fantasy feel of the story. I also really enjoyed Drake sticking it back to Charmian a little after all the abuse he's taken from her.
The first passage that really seems strange is this one.
"Well--could the two of them have had another kid together? If Tal Natha was somehow born, then--"
instead of using the phrase "another kid together" which makes Ocryx and Ocyxana seem like a squabbling divorced couple living in suburbia perhaps you phrase it like this: "Could they possibly have offspring
besides Tal Natha?"
"She fooled him that time...used some kind of medicine on him. He's said he won't let her fool him again...I believe he means it."
perhaps word this section like so. ..."She fooled him once using a strange medicine on him. He said he wouldn't be fooled again."
"....we need to warn the others."......"The others numbly obeyed"......"The others, Silver Eagle Feather leading them...."
These three phrases are all used in sentences in close proximity of each other. The common factor being two words "the others" which is incredibly redundant. Finding an alternate term to use in place of one or two of these instances would go a long way.
"that thing decided to show up again."
I thought it had been established that the "thing" was an Ocryx.
"Do you have any idea how long back the walk is? My watch is in my pack and...."
First of all the term "how long back the walk is" is incredibly awkward. Perhaps Charmian could say, "Do you have any idea how far the village is... (or settlemet or insert any sort of noun to describe where they are going.) Once again we are reminded of Charmians bottomless backpack which now includes amongst it's contents a watch.
"Indeed X flushed a little and looked away..."
how Charmian can tell that a furred Ocryx has flushed is somewhat hard to fathom this is just one of many places throughout the entire story thus far that the demons and creatures of Manitou Island slip into a common human condition of feeling and appearance.
Charmians name giving to X is pretty good and clearly from the title the entire purpose of this chapter. In that regard I say good job mission accomplished still Charmian shouldn't have passed it off so flippantly with, "Yeah, well, I was bored." when Dakh tells her it was nice.
"It's called a hypothetical situation, stupid." She flushed when she remembered, too late, that she was addressing Dakh and not Drake.
I dislike this passage mainly because it shows us that Charmian is aware that she talks down to Drake calling him stupid all the time and feels that it is "ok" to talk to Drake that way but feels embaressment when realizing she is talking to Dakh in that fashion.
"....pulled her pack off her shoulders and dug out her guidebook,..." yet another item from Charmians bottomless backpack.
"...too late to tell everyone tonight."
and yet no where were we informed that dusk came upon us before it became night and too late to tell tales. Were their campfires? How different did things look in the dark with only the flickering light of fire? Is there smoke or a distinct smell to the fire? All descrption that could enhance the ending of this chapter
One of the parts that I liked best about this chapter was the way in which Dakh saved Drake from death. It adds an element of fantasy to the story in a tangible and much needed way.
There are many of the structural flaws found in this part as in the previous parts, awkward passages that could easly be reworked into splendid writing. (Not that I'm an expert or anything) An example of this would be when Charmian is greeted by Red Bird and Silver Eagle Feather upon returning to Sugar Loaf. The awkward part being the statement "though the latter didn't run."
Still this chapter does have some gems. The first paragraph graphically describing how Charmian grasps at "shrubs and saplings" rushing to where Drake had fallen, is superb. As usual your cliffhanger is a masterpiece.
Returning to Manitou Island I had to refresh myself with the story a bit but here's another go.
The manitou's breath rattled in its throat and she bit her lip with anxiety. She'd heard of the death rattle before. Was that what this was?
Perhaps try: ".....anxiety. Was this the death rattle she'd heard about?"
"From the looks of it it was a young manitou only, not nearly as large as Mitchi, but still too heavy for her to carry."
What needs reworked in this passage is the double use of the word "it".
Perhaps try: "By it's appearance, the manitou was young, not nearly as large....."
"It's hurt" Charmian explained to X.....
(I would think that X could see that for himself)
"Well...as much as she wanted to believe Old Mother Manitou was a humanitarian, the old woman had made it clear she disliked Ocryx's manitous. She had no idea if the old manitou would be charitable or not."
In these two sentences the word Manitou appears three times. twice in reference to Old Mother Manitou. Perhaps in the second instance you could refer to her as the old mother or simply mother.
"door, ringing the bell"
you might want to be more specific about the bell. This is obviously a rustic setting and the electronic door bell as we know it would not exist this must be like a real brass bell with a pull string, still the paragraph carries on as if it is a modern door bell.
"She'd wanted Justin to come down, and now...this person was taking care of the creature. Whoever she was."
For some reason this passage seems wrong perhaps it's merely the abrupt rudeness of the main characters thoughts.
"How was it everyone on this Island seemed to know that thing but her?"
How about because Charmian has barely been on the island for more than a day or two.
"SHUT UP!! It's still morning, stupid, you're waking everybody up!!"
Once again Charmian gets to belittling Drake telling him to shut up and calling him stupid. To make matters even worse we hardly realize it's morning and have not yet encountered anybody sleeping to be woken which totally invalidates Charmians outburst. Drakes reply is equally as invalid because they are at the Dupries house and not within ear shot of a native settlement.
In the following paragraphs, Drake really seems to be the more likeable and heroic of the two characters despite Charmians role as the lead.
Once again one of your strengths as a writer is your excellent use of Cliffhangers at the end of each part.
"Now that she had the crystal...spirit...whatever it was...she wasn't certain what to do with it, though she figured she couldn't really do anything wrong by now."
There must be a way to say this without, "whatever it was.." and once again Charmian figures: "..she figured.." I suggest that Charmian refrains from "figuring" and supposing".
"..her still dripping wet.." This fact really gets left in the wake of the other events going on. Wouldn't Old Mother Manitou or Red Bird say something and try to supply her with some dry clothing to change into?
"She thought of Stick-In-The-Dirt treating her and the thought wasn't a very pleasant one..."
This whole sentence seems like a fragment set out there and it seems out of place. Expecially since Old Mother Manitou has been handing out "warm woody tasting liquid" with the skills of an herbalist.
When Charmian is talking to Silver to find out more of the past she is still soaking wet huddling over a small fire. Why isn't anybody finding something dry for her to change into or wrapping a blanket around her?
"She stared at the fire.."
I want to smell the smoke from the fire, hear it crackle and feel the heat eminating from it!
"...he's raised very few of them himself. Red Bird is the only one I know of..."
If Red Bird is the only one she knows of why bother to even say a very few of them?
".. wrapped herself up,..."
Still in wet clothes?
"..stupid windling.."
"..already, stupid.."
and the word "stupid" rears it's ugly head some more.
This was an inbetween events kind of chapter. Dakh Natha and Sikt Natha appear again from the dreamworld. Does the name "Natha" have a specific meaning that has to do with dreams?
You have a very good grasp at using cliffhangers, and although I've only noted it once, you have a knack at witty titles that directly relate to the story line. Almost like imagining "Manitou Island" a new hit TV show on the Sci-Fi channel...."or something".(As Charmian would say).
"a sort of lectern or stand with a large book upon it."
"a sort of" is excess baggage...."lectern" nice word.
"Spit it out, stupid idiot!"
"..EVERY STUPID THING..."
Once again "stupid" and "idiot" plauge Manitou Island. In the first instance try using the word, "fool".
"snarling dripping jaws directly before her eyes.."
I like it!
"You think I'm stupid, mainlander?"
Good use of the word "stupid" as opposed to the above mentioned.
"It was...the picture of Red Bird"
and even now many chapters later I wonder who the other two people in the photo are and why Red Bird stands out so distinctly in it. Is she standing in the forefront while the others are merely in the background? Are they just so plain looking and she so stunning that they fade into obscurity while she is now noted as the only person in the photo?
"..stupid necklace.."
"..feeling stupid"
....I need not say it.
As I leave the 29th chapter of Manitou Island behind, The size of this project is driven home. I'm not even half way through....and there's a sequal after that! Don't worry about the length. It will scare off readers online, but if ever this novel sized epic is reworked and printed you'll find that it will fit quite evenly on a bookself and nobody will look at it funny. Great potential in here, just a lot of work to go with it.
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