The first thing that strikes me upon starting to read this short story is that the entire text is in bold purple. I suggest saving the bold purple for a "bold purple moment" leaving the bulk of the story in plain text.
"God English class...."
I'm not sure why you included this extremely short second segment. It has nothing to do with the first or third and just seems to be an excuse to use expletives and complain about school. My suggestion, scrap this paragraph.
"..and towards me.."
toward not towards, I know this one, because I recently had to correct myself on it.
"Someday, someday..."
Someday doesn't need repeated here.
"'No idea, but it's f****** cold,' I say"
A bit of Holden Caulfield in the main character, which is marvelous. However the rating might need to go up a step because of the language.
quotation marks are forgotten very often, and sometimes apostrophes are used in place of them.
In conclusion, the main story line is fine in an abstract kind of way. The characters are realistic, making mistakes thinking out loud, they are really the cornerstone of this story. Honestly, however, it needs a lot of work. There are so many parts to this story that could be cut out as irrelevant to the actual direction of the plot. It ends sort of abruptly as well. Remember that the greatest of novels have been rewritten a dozen times before we get to read them and all first drafts are bound to be rough around the edges. Nobody ever said writing was going to be easy.
"she didn't know what she'd just drunk"
Instead of repeating that Charmian doesn't know what it was that she'd just drunk, "without bothering to see what it was" Give us Charmians reaction to the texture of it in her mouth. It's great that you appealed to the sense of taste describing the taste as "woody", but a reaction to the swallow of a strange liquid would be perfect. How does the liquid make her feel? Is the liquid Hot, lukewarm or ice cold?
"Ta-da!"
For some reason I find this reaction to pulling out the necklace a little too cheery for the situation. Maybe she could pull it out of her pocket somewhat curious as to how traveling from the dream world to the Manitou world would affect it saying to the others in a sort of bewilderment, "...and here it is."
"All right. Take care"(X...I really wish you used the nickname in the Character profile instead of just X. I guess that's part of a future adventure, that time just can't come soon enough.)
Maybe X could ask Charmian to "Be careful" instead of to "take care".
"she supposed this was just one more example"
Charmian really needs to stop supposing.
"Now that was a stupid idea"
An example of a good way to use the word "stupid" As opposed to....well you know I've talked about that in depth in reviews of earlier chapters,
"Apparently she'd sunk deeper than she'd thought..."
I'm not really getting the feel that Charmian is underwater.
"You...didn't...have to...bring me here, you know"
I dislike the way this sentence fits. I'd have preferred a silent Charmian. A shivering cold, dripping wet, gasping for air, no time for making snotty remarks Charmian.
I liked the comedy. It might offend some of those of a more pious background, but I found it hilarious. The only suggestion I have is that you strayed away from the topic a bit about half way through, neglecting James and it was all just about Jesus. (I guess thats just Jesus finding a way to over shadow his brothers moment in the lime light again.)
Back to Manitou Island! Charmian still in the dream world. I enjoy her dream travels the only suggestion I have to improving this chapter is summed up in a single word, you guessed it, details. I don't just want to hear Charmian talk about being in the land of dreams, I want to feel like I'm standing next to her seeing, hearing, smelling everything that she does.
This conversation with Miss Anne was better organized than the last one. I liked the way Charmian made deductions in her thoughts eventually returing to the glass necklace that seemed insignificant but caught Charmians eye back in Chapter Three. It helps the overall cohesion of "Manitou Island" as a whole.
Right away an extra half a star for the title of this chapter. The sound of the GeeBees dancing to "Saturday Night Fever" fades into the background the Beatles "Magical Mystery Tour" comes to take us away.
"The too many voices, too many thoughts to handle" Remind me so much of the Bene Gesserit Reverend Mothers from Frank Herberts "Dune". (In case you're wondering this is a compliment)
"No, human.."
"Do you still believe this is the one, human?"
Why doesn't Tal Natha just call Charmian by her name?
"A brief possible vision of Silver Eagle Feather made her think of Black Elk Horn.."
Take out the word "possible". Charmian only met Black Elk Horn once and it was an extremly brief once. Silver Eagle Feather has been one of Charmians companions for most of this adventure. Maybe reverse this and have Charmian receive a vision of a worried Black Elk Horn which brings Silver Eagle Feather to her mind.
"AAGGHH!! Are all of you so damn obtuse?!"
Come on Charmian this old guys been trying to help you give him a break.
I like Charmians journey in the dreamworld. It brings to mind the dreamcatchers which also have Native American origins, I don't know if that is a good correlation or not, but it does come to mind. I would like to have a little more of an ethereal feel to the dreams. To have Charmian see some things that are clearly not possible in the real world etc.
"I...I came here to help...the person..."
Tal Natha is an Ocryx not a person.
"I can't just let someone die..."
I think it would be better if Charmian were more specific and said "him" or "Tal Natha" instead of just "someone".
"...that's not the way my kind works. When we make promises we try to keep them..."
Is Charmian talking about her kind as in mainlanders? Everyday human beings? Unfortunately I don't agree with her assessment of human nature. I believe that in this situation Charmian should make a case not for her "kind", but for herself specifically. Instead of "my kind aren't like that" I want to hear Charmian say, "I'm not like that" and instead of trying to speak up for all human kind saying "When we make promises" Let her speak only for herself, "I'm Not like that!"
"Watch me try, then. Because I know you're wrong and he never gives up."
The words "then","Because" and "and" are excess baggage.
"I came here to help you out. I came into your dream. I needed to ask you if you could help me help you."
I came her to help you. I came into your dream to ask you to help me help you.
"You of all people know"
Once again, people refers to human beings and Tal Natha isn't a human he is an Ocryx.
This is a very interesting dream sequence in which Charmian brings something priceless to Tal Natha, hope. No matter how small a flicker it might be, because even a spark can become a flame. Hope is a powerful tool, thats the underlying message of this Chapter and being able to convey that is something to be proud of.
What purpose does the "-" at the end of certain lines serve? I like the message of this poem. Served with rhetorical questions about our place as women in todays world this poem challenges us to compare the world we live in with the past. How much has really changed?
Red Birds transformation into a "white Ocryx" reveals that she is at least part Ocryx also kin to Silver Eagle Feather, Ocryx, Ocryxana, Tal Natha and X. The Ocryxes are indeed multiplying.
"He is the Dreamspinner"
"Ocryx is the life of the Island"
In Old Mother Manitous explanation of the important role that Ocryxes play in the very existance of Manitou Island she meanders around in vague detail. I think that Old Mother Manitou can explain this better.
"It's always possible, child. I never claimed to know all. But I would not know who this person is, if they existed."
This statement has baggage. "I never claimed to know all" could be deleted from the statement completely.
Charmian gains access to the dreamworld without an inkling of knowledge about it or how to get there. I like the idea of Charmian having this gift, ability, power whatever it may be, but there needed to be some background to this. As far back as Tal Natha's visiting Charmians dream before she came to Manitou Island perhaps hints of Charmians "ability" (more than just a statement by Tal Natha) could manifest itself in some way. Something to give us some credibility when she ventures off into the dream world now. I really liked the Tal Natha of those dream sequences in the first couple of chapters. Wise and powerful the "Dreamspinner". Once coming to the Island and meeting Tal Natha however, he loses much of his mystique through his actions and words leaving me really disappointed in the character that Tal Natha has become.
Because there are so many characters I feel that there are times when one of them gets lost in the shuffle. Silver Eagle Feather is most often the victim of this negligence. Even if a character has nothing to say, if they are present they are still a part of the scene hearing and absorbing what is going on around them. A hand on the shoulder of another. An uncomfortable glance or even a glazed stare into space. The non-active character must not become invisible.
Impressive tale from the perspective of a canine. In many cases being vague is a flaw, but in this case you use it properly luring a reader into a clever left out detail that begins to dawn on you the more further you go. I only withold half a star because I am extremly picky and hate giving out fives to anything but perfection. A revision perhaps giving us a few more details perhaps even researching the way that dogs senses work could put this short story over the top.
I am not a big proponent of using colors and pictures in writing. I want the words of the poem to paint the pictures in my imagination. Having said this I will note that your choice to use the photo and color text is well thought out. The color of the text matching the water in the picture above. It shows me that you didn't just use color text for no reaon at all. Why is the final line in brackets? It seems to me that the line would have been just fine without them.
Short and sweet simple to read and understand. The thing with poetry however is that it is always subject to the eye of the beholder. Do Turkey's croak? I do not know that much about Turkeys I must admit. Slightly above the average poem, Yet not an epic feast of imagery.
Your action sequence and the battle between Tal Natha and Augwak is suspenseful and the action is aided by Charmians deducing that the stick bears and Ocryx horn which can harm Tal Natha. Even as Tal Natha and Augwak spar verbally Not once do I find the words twit, stupid or other such let downs. Instead we are greeted with: "Your insults are like little buzzing flies" Now this is more like it! and:
"You've lost what little mind you already had, Augwak"
So much better than simply calling him stupid!
Even excellent description of Red Birds transformation and a glimpse of her power! This Chapter displays Manitou Island at its finest!
I thought this quick trip to work was eloquent. I have only three minor details to suggest.
What color was the Honda Civic?. Give us a few examples of your favorite CD's. And even more minor using the Writing ML to indent your paragraphs.
Don't you just hate it when somebody cuts into your comfortable buffer zone between your vehicle and the one in front of yours when the traffic begins to bog down!
This moment in time is captured well and it leaves me wishing to know more about these two people who loved each other dearly and were enduring such pain. This super short story could with a creative touch unfold into a full length short story. Getting a stronger more detailed glimpse about this old couple, the life they shared, and the struggle that led them to this fateful decision would make this scene that much more moving.
"She could only assume"
I would like to see less of Charmians assumptions and more description of the events actually taking place.
"...sudden heave threw up in the grass. Charmian came to an abrupt stop, face going white. She hadn't expected that. When Red Bird finished and wiped her mouth, panting weakly..."
I like this part, the grass is included into the scenery. I also like "panting weakly". Think about using the word vomitted in place of threw up.
"To which the voice replied, Only I wouldn't want a jealous demon for a boyfriend!!"
What voice? The voice inside Charmians head?
" 'power' of mine." I know this is getting old, but we really need to have a better understanding of this power and exactly what it is capable of accomplishing other than "save the Island". Even if its just a theory or a legend that Red Bird doesn't even believe in, there must be some basis for the alleged "power".
"...or anything" Charmian likes to tag this type of baggage onto the end of her statements. "or something" was one in the last chapter. This is okay every once in awhile, you might want to cut out most of them only keeping the extra words when it fits perfectly into the conversation.
"Charm?"
Absolutely fantastic. I like it when you have Drake call Charmian "Charm" It's a nice touch and it says alot about Drake. If I must say so, Drake is my favorite Manitou Island character.
"...It's most rude, you know"
"it felt too rude to stare"
The characters are very obsessed with rude behavior. It has been a reaccuring subject ever since they got to Sugar Loaf.
"And don't call me 'OMM"
I agree whole heartedly.
"Get off my rock, you twit!"
I like the statement except for the "you twit" Have Old Mother Manitou say "scoundrel". twit just doesn't have the right ring to it.
GeeBees
I must admit that this spelling of GeeBees is really growing on me. I like how it flip flops neatly into Bee Gees. I can hear "Saturday Night Fever" playing in the background as the GeeBees make their appearance strutting to the disco beat....(sorry for the dreadful image). The ending is by far the superior portion of this chapter.
"while Justin cleaned the dirt from the scrapes on her knees"
Is she wearing shorts? Is there a hole in her jeans? Was she able to pull her pant leg up far enough for Justin to clean the scrape? Don't just tell us what is happening, Describe the actions taking place.
"seems like it would get lonely here or something"
the "or something" is excess baggage. Charmian seems to use this term an awful lot.
"He'd taken her to the kitchens"
Is there more than one kitchen, or is this a typo?
What kind of sandwich does Charmian eat? Did Justin make it for her, or did he merely provide the makings for Charmian to make the sandwich for herself?
" ...A few servants in the servants' quarters. No one more..."
...a few servants that have quarters of their own. Thats all... (try to eliminate the use of words that are alike being close together. In this example the word servant and servants'.)
Why is Charmian so reluctant to tell Justin about the Ocyxes? She has already revealed that Francois and Marcott have been looking for him. She knows the reason that Francois was seeking the Dupries was to see if they could help X. So why won't she say so now?
"He finished placing bandages on Charmian's knees "
Did Justin go back to bandaging Charmians knee after she ate the sandwich?
Justin has a healing power revealed when his hands appear to catch of fire and colored flames shot from his finger tips. He's more of the Island than the mainland so it seems. This is followed by a curious temper tantrum thrown by Tal Natha who began this epic as "The Dreamspinner" "The Protector of the Island" he was wise and noble. We've seen him in combat throwing about GeeBees. Basically Tal Natha's image is totally marred by this episode. It is understandable that he is jealous and doesn't like Justin very much. That much I like very much. I think that Tal Natha's emotions could be revealed in a less childlike manor preserving the esteem of the character and still showing the readers how he feels about Justin. Having Red Bird in the middle of this is good.
Remember, it's all in the mechanics of writing a story. Don't tell us what is happening, paint a picture. Describe the events as if you were actually seeing them through the eyes of the characters involved. Appeal to all of the senses, not just visual. sounds and smells and the feel of Pakwa's talons as Charmian is on her way back to Sugar Loaf in his clutches. Take us to Manitou Island. Tell us about it just as you see it in your imagination. Don't withhold any details. Better to have too much and edit out the excess later than to not have enough leaving readers with a skeleton to flesh out for themselves. This is your story, it comes from your imagination. The entire world that exists in these words are yours. Share your love for this world by giving it all the flavors of the palate, sounds of the earth, breathtaking images, the feeling of mud in our tennis shoes, sand in our toes and the sun's warmth upon our shoulders. Manitou Island, this epic tale of your creation has tons of potential. Like Red Bird, you are the one that has that intangible "what" within you that can make it great. Try it out pick a chapter, ore even just a scene. cClose your eyes and picture the events as they are happening. Write down what your senses tell you, don't leave out anything. I think you will surprise yourself with the results.
she plunged her hand into one of her vest pockets
(why is it never mentioned before that Charmian is wearing a vest? Does she often carry candy bars around? Did she put it in her vest pocket when she pulled her jacket out of her backpack the night before? Even the little details are important)
She tried again anyway, darting down the sidetrail. Useless--as soon as she tripped (her earlier coordination appeared to be completely gone), there he was again, waiting for her.
This passage is cumbersome. Keep the good stuff "darting down the sidetrail", "she tripped" and "coordination appeared to be gone". Get rid of the excess "Useless--as soon", "Earlier","completely" and of course the parenthesis.
All in all I liked the encounter Charmian has with Pakwa and Justin Dupries. The conversation could use some rework to make it sound more natural, but the main idea and framework of the meeting are there. There was even a hint of some Manitou Island humor which will be even funnier once the conversation is polished up.
Finally I must stress description. Do not be afraid to tell us more. When she first sees Justin Dupries he is described as simply, "a young man with a gun leaning against his shoulder" This is a good start and all that Charmian would notice at first, but as the tension of the situation relaxed and Charmian settled down description of the new characters would be nice.
"It's okay. I'm just kind of...well, surprised. I didn't know you were that upset."
(the word "well" is an unnecessary word. just say kind of...surprised.)
Charmian was, frankly, at a loss for an answer
(the word frankly is also an unnecessary word.)
he told me not to be ashamed of what I am
(and we are still waiting to find out "what she is".)
Island and all, and all he can
(the first and all should be omitted to reduce the redundancy)
She wanted to tell Silver Eagle Feather and Drake where she was going, but felt she didn't have the time. She didn't like how warm X's head had felt...
Why would she not pause and tell Silver Eagle feather? Not have time? Charmian has been on this island for about 24 hours now and Silver Eagle Feather has lived on it all her life. How can Charmian possibly believe that she would gain any time? Getting Silver Eagle Feather's assistance immediatly would logically be faster than for Charmian to be feeling her way around a foreign environment.
The trail was much the same as the one Stick-In-The-Dirt had led them on before, and the one she'd gone on with Silver Eagle Feather and the others--
I like the description of the foot trail that follows but these first statements likening the trail to earlier trails that she walked on with so and so and so and so is just cumbersome.
For goodness' sake, this is stupid.
(No! not "stupid" again)
Yep, I'm dwelling in Stupidville today
(NO!)
She was lost.
(why didn't she get Silver Eagle Feather in the first place for all the logical reasons mentioned above. If Charmian getting lost is essential to the plot have it happen because of a separation from Silver in a fog created by manitous or Ocryxana. Anything to preserve the esteem of Charmian in a readers eyes. And Charmian thinks Drake does "stupid" things.
And Francois was a good tracker, from the looks of it
(Charmian doesn't have to suppose "from the looks of it." can be deleted.)
But what kind of power? And when would she ever show it already?... (yes what kind of power, and why doesn't anybody including Tal Natha know what it is? If Tal Natha does know why does he keep everyone in the dark?)
Better question, Bat, she thought, what on Earth am I doing mixed up in all of this!
(Bat?)
except for a bat.
(I think the bat could be incorperated into the story as part of Charmians observations of her surroundings which could be clear and descriptive.)
His glasses looked ready to slide off his nose.
(This is a sample of some description that I would like to see more of!)
"Get to the point, human!.."(Tal Natha speaking to Charmian) Why does Tal Natha consistently call Charmian just "human"? It's not as if she is a stranger to him and the term seems almost a predjudice remark as if he felt that humans were a lower life form than Ocryxes.
She'd forgotten all about her! She couldn't believe how insensitive that was. For all she knew the poor girl was sobbing her eyes out right now with no one but the unconscious X to listen. "Um, excuse me," she said to Drake and Silver Eagle Feather. "I'm going to go...see if Red Bird is okay or needs anything."
Awkward, Charmian can remember Red Bird and not think of herself as insensitive. The thought, "For all she knew.." seems wrong. I think it would be better if Charmian were to think of Red Bird with more sympathy than speculation and hurry off towards her without saying anything to the others. Having Silver Eagle Feather intuitively stop Drake as he starts to follow Charmian is a nice flourish to the scene.
The snots.
(For some reason I fail to see Charmians reasons for being annoyed at being allowed to get some sleep that she really needed.)
she wished she'd brought her jacket with her.
She put her jacket on last night before going with Tal Natha Francois and Silver Eagle Feather to see Ocryx. She fell asleep on the return and there is no mention of her jacket being removed....What kind of jacket does she have? Does it have a hood? Is it Blue? Is it a windbreaker or a jean jacket? All questions an inquiring reader wants to know. Did Drake bring a backpack too? What color are Charmians eyes? Is her hair long or short? Does she have any distinctive features? Does Drake? Please give us more description....I took the time to read the Character profile before reading this Chapter and discovered a great many things like X's real name etc. The stuff in that profile list is stuff that needs to be included in the fabric of the story. For a reader to get engrossed, we need to know the essentials and I feel that some of the essentials are being left out as "understood". You understand what these things are because you are the creator and know the world of Manitou Island like an old friend, but for a reader this world is new and if this were to be read like a book, the character profile page would be an appendix that many readers wouldn't become well aquainted with until after reading and getting sucked into the story. This comes down to the working mechanics of the story. The interwoven fabric that holds the story together and I feel that much information is being left out along the way.
for whoever was coming seemed to go on forever.
(for some reason this part just doesn't sound right there has to be another way to say that this is someone or something very very very tall.)
I like the vision sequence that Charmian has.
Why does Marcott go by his last name and not his first.(Another thing I discovered when reading the Character profile. Alexander is Marcott something that should have been weaved into the story when we first met him and Francois refers to him as Alexander once and ever since he's been only Marcott.)
You've put in alot of work on Manitou Island I encourage you to put even more work into it. Flesh out the tale that you have started here. The tale exists, what you have here tells the story, what you have to do now is make us see what you see and feel how you feel. Use your words to do more than just tell us the story, take us there.
Tal Natha retorted. "As is X. As much as you say you despise us you have yet to kill us. Why is this?"
Why doesn't Tal Natha use X's real unpronounceable name when speaking with Ocryx? I don't think Ocryx cares what the "pathetic humans" call him.
"Silver Eagle Feather. I did not know you were here."
(and neither did we.....we knew she was supposed to be with them but she became invisible in the last chapter not to appear again until now.)
"Because it's in her nature," Silver Eagle Feather said, and left it at that.
(thus the frusteration continues the "power" is in her nature. It's because of "what" she is. Red Birds power has remained vague for too long.)
This was the best chapter in quite awhile even if it didn't supply as many answers as I hoped it would.
Charmian's backpack appears suddenly after a dozen chapters. It is so sudden in fact that I didn't remember that she had one and I would have to go back to the chapter that she and Drake were setting off for Mackinaw Island to see if she had one then. A quick reference to it somewhere along the line, (perhaps a dangers grab for it's saftey as it slipped from her arm while riding the manitou) would keep the backpack in the back of our minds and it's appearance now would not be so sudden.
"Hang on, human. We come in close now."
strained "Human...you're...choking me."
(I think Tal Natha could call Charmian by her name and not just refer to her as human.)
"Isn't that Devil's Kitchen?" she asked, unable to keep the anxiety out of her voice.
"Yes. Do not be afraid. The GeeBees are the least of our worries now."
Why does Tal Natha refer to the GeeBees here? Charmian doesn't express that her anxiety is due to GeeBees in fact after seeing Tal Natha dispose of GeeBees effectively twice already today, I should think Charmian isn't that worried about the GeeBees at all. It would make more sense for Tal Natha to reassure Charmian that things would go well and perhaps tell her more about what dangers to look out for and what to do if a danger manifested itself. This change would alter the following paragraph in which Charmian recalls her second GeeBee experience.
"Maybe if I just keep my eyes closed I'll find out it really is all a dream?"
Charmians thoughts could be reworded and the following group of paragraphs could be condensed into a single more emotional and powerful paragraph. Charmians feelings about her mother and home and losing control of the situation that propelled her into this adventure........as it is Charmian doesn't even give a second thought about Drake.
aiming it toward the water and shooting. Everyone started at the terrific BANG it let out, even as the shot missed its target, striking the water just several inches away from one of the creatures--or perhaps Francois had missed on purpose.(At first you say he was "aiming toward the water.." later it srikes the water "..striking the water.." it seems to me Francois hit was he was aiming at. I like the references to the look in the manitous eyes the wicked glee setting them apart from the manitous that Francois rides and has befriended. I would like more description of these manitous in the water as they taunt our adventures with their "siren" like songs.(I like the "siren" reference.) At this point I am wondering what happened to Silver Eagle Feather wasn't she with Francois? Maybe I missed something, but no Silver Eagle Feather indeed was to depart with them and Charmian even looks for Silver Eagle Feather and Francois below seeing only shadows loping along while she grasped Tal Natha's neck. Where did Silver Eagle Feather go and why doesn't Charmian ask Francois this question when he kneels next to her after she returned to the ground.
Francois aimed his gun at the lake again, selecting one unfortunate manitou as his next potential target.(Francois is not aiming at the lake he is aiming at a manitou)
Mom's worrying about me--and Dad--and my dog--what will they tell the teacher when I don't show up on Monday?--what will Drake do?--what about Red Bird?--
(the teacher? Either go with the school or with the teachers name don't just refer to "teacher".)
"I told you ENOUGH, you stupid fool!..."(Ocryx is introduced and he like each character before him begins by calling some one or something, in this case Mitchi Manitou, "stupid".)
At last we get to Ocryx and when Tal Natha refers to she he is speaking of his mother Ocryxana. At last we are getting close to finding out more about the dangers to Manitou Island and what might be done to save the island. Will Red Birds power finally be revealed as something more than just "A power within her because of "what" she is"?
Once again Manitou Island is a strong story that can be cultivated through rework and revision into a fine work of fiction.
Lets begin with this
But...am I right?"
I don't think Charmian needed to affirm her suspicions any further Red Bird has already said:
"We...didn't want anybody to know."
and
"Do--do they know?"
"You know," she said instead, "just because you've got the ability to do something nobody else can do--just because you might be able to save this place--it doesn't mean you're some kind of freak or something."
This sums it up in a nutshell. What is this ability that nobody else can do? Red Birds power within that could save the island is too vague. Charmian seems to agree. She questions Red Bird about(and I will use the same word now) "what" she is. It is obvious by this statement that Red Bird is more than she appears to be and this "what" that she is, is the reason she has the power that nobody seems to know anything about except for the fact that it can save the island.
Charmian was outside fourth, after Tal Natha, Francois, and Silver Eagle Feather. Drake and Marcott came next, followed by Red Bird and then Old Mother Manitou, who simply hobbled to the entrance and peered out, cocking her head as if listening.
This is one of those instances where the mechanics of the story as I have often mentioned before could use some rework. The good portion of this excerpt is the ending describing how Old Mother Manitou didn't fully exit and peered out the entrance.
Basically what needs reworked is how it mentions that each of the characters steps out of Old Mother Manitou's abode. It is written as if they just lined up and filed out like a group of school children responding to the bell. You can creatively group the characters together and it doesn't seem much to matter who was ahead of who in line while exiting since they all end up outside except for the wounded X.
Francois frowned, eyes growing cloudy. "Not good...they've sensed GeeBees in the area. Nearby. Not too many of them, only a few, but not that far off either. Up to nothing good."
double redundancy in this passage. Not only does Francois say not too many of them, only a few. (just one of those statements would have sufficed) but after saying, "in the area. Nearby...." he goes on to say,"not that far off either."
"Stupid dumb brutes...no idea what purpose they serve...only good for trouble..."(Old Mother Manitou) "Stupid". A wonderful word used in moderation but in this epic it is used in excess.
Tal Natha bounded ahead of her, unable to lift off from the ground--he tried once only to slam into a low branch,(why was Tal Natha unable to fly at this juncture?) The group all runs headlong into the woods after this. The story could use more direction here, have Tal Natha, (or another character that knows the Island well) lead the way using the manitou sounds as a guide with an actual point and reasoning to their running through the woods. As it is the only indication of their rush is given through Charmians thoughts of when she and Drake were antagonized by the GeeBees and the thought of somebody else feeling that terror. This needs to be emphasized more and the situation could use a greater sense of urgency.
Charmian supposed that it was Tal Natha's elemental nature, (Charmian doesn't need to suppose)
the GeeBees would probably have picked the bones clean just like a school of piranha.(except fo the fact that they weren't in water and piranhas are fish that can't live out of the water the analogy is weak)
Afterwards Francois in his brief autopsy refers to the corpse as "Whoever they had been" and later on to the corpse as simply, "it". I think that passage could be written more evenly. When Tal Natha says "I do not know who this was...but they are fortunate that they died quickly. At least, I hope they did." he doesn't need to second guess himself and the last bit "... At least, I hope they did." could be omitted.
Manitou Island continues to be a strong story with good direction and excellent characters. I believe that in a rewrite or two(or three or more because after all that is what writing is all about) Your epic tale could attract more readers and achieve popularity among fantasy readers.
A possible rewording:
instead of: "Whatever it was, it couldn't be any worse than anything else they'd had to deal with today."
perhaps:
Whatever it was, it couldn't be any worse than what they'd dealt with today already.
When describing Marcotts's clothing I think using the word "archaically" doesn't seem to fit. Otherwise describing his clothing as just brown is weak as well. When the white man first appears(latter revealved to be Marcott,or Alexander), I picture him wearing buckskins like a mountain man and trapper of old. But this passage is followed by in the following one by saying that he is "well dressed". Suddenly he switches from buckskins to a suit of 19th century european origins. His hat from a coonskin cap to a derby. Having this described as being brown and archaic hardly does it justice and caused confusion. I believe his clothing if so deserving of mention, should have been described in more detail right away to eliminate the whole process I have just related. It would also add flavor to the setting thus improving the entire tale.
"Sorry about that--stupid Island--I swear this place is set up to murder me sometimes--" (Marcott)
"He has bad medicine in him. Stupid brute......"(Old Mother Manitou)
Every character introduced seems to favor calling things "stupid".
"Marcott..." wasn't he just called Alexander?
"Actually, it was Alexander this time. He heard all the racket even before I did. I must be distracted today."
Is his name Alexander Marcott? Or is Alexander another character completely left out of this at this point except to mention that he heard the racket??
The first man--Marcott--this time
You need only mention that it is Marcott speaking and need not refer to him as the first man.
diving behind X and using the demon's wing to hide himself. (why on earth would Drake dive behind X who is lying in a pool of his own blood?)
Sugar Loaf rose before them--a tall imposing stack of breccia roughly in the shape of a cone, a worn dirt path rising up to the side of it. It was rough and pitted all over with holes, small shrubs and saplings growing from its sides and top.
(more of this! more of this! I like the description)
Charmian stared at her a moment, then back at Tal Natha. She clasped her own knees to her chest and spoke to Red Bird, a question which did not come out sounding like a question.
"You're in love with him, aren't you."
It was obvious and I was begining to wonder when Red Bird's love for Tal Natha would be revealed.
The Ocryx's head swung back and forth as it looked around for any more, a loud low growl echoing in its throat. When it didn't see any more it seemed to remember where it was and turned back to Charmian and Drake, who had stood watching the whole scene, mesmerized.
This is a passage that could use some rework. the phrase any more is repeated. perhaps writing:
The Ocryx's head swung back and forth as it looked around for another GeeBee, a loud growl echoing in it's throat.......(Thus eliminating the redundant any more)
Whereas with your kind it is common to find one mate and stay with them for life...(actually humans aren't so monogamous and in some cultures there is no blood taboo as we have in our western society.) The thing that begs an answer now is why Silver Eagle Feathers appearance is human. The obvious answer is that she is only half Ocryx, but she could merely be assuming a human shape while the others maintain their Ocryx form. Afterall X would not be a full blood Ocryx either.
For some reason I want X to have a name. Ok I know his name is unpronounceable, but lets just call him whatever is the closest thing that we can pronounce. I just don't like calling him X. I think I'll call him Raoul. lol after all Francois would give him a French like name right? Can we blame Silver Eagle Feather for giving him this unpronouncable name or is Ocryx to blame.
Is an Ocryx a creature of your own invention or is it taken from Ojibwa myth?
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