As if reading her thoughts, a nudge on her arm. "Jeez, Charm, could you be any more ob?" Drake whispered
What does ob mean?
I loved the GeeBees. I liked the Geebis spelling better however.
This Chapter was full of action and ended on a high note with the new Ocryx decending upon the scene.
Drake is once again a great character, the friendly coward with a big heart and a big foot, that he often unknowingly sticks into his mouth. I'd like to see his character develop some courage eventually. A sort of gradual like change from boy to man. Charmian has bravery in spades, determined to stand up to the GeeBees despite knowing that the odds were hopeless.
"So says he-who-is-afraid-of-climbing-ladders," Charmian replied.
An excellent example of how Charmian can tease Drake without calling him a wimp, idiot ect. ect. more of this and less of this:
"I know that, idiot!" Charmian hissed. "Shut up and quit spazzing out, for God's sake!"
Couldn't Charmian just say, "I know that, quit spazzing out Drake!"
I have never read a book where a character ever said "for God's sake" as often as Charmian does.
Next we have this
"Tal Natha...if you say that Red Bird has a power, let's believe for a moment that she does. Even so. These two here don't know what's going on. Neither, truthfully, do I. Please enlighten us."
Silver Eagle feather can include herself right away and forget the extra words saying something like,
"Enlighten us Tal Natha, I don't believe that we fully understand what you mean when you speak of Red Birds power." (and then have her look towards Charmian and Drake who would be shaking their heads in agreement)
It is revealed that Red Bird has a power within her but there is not expansion on this thought. What would this power enable her to do? It's so abstract to just mention that Tal Natha believes she has great powers that could foil Ocyrxana and Ocryx.
The plot is good, the punctuation and proper grammar is probably better than mine thus beyond my scope of critic. The mechanics are what needs the most work. Using words in ways that take your story and make a reader want to step inside. There are glimpses of brilliance. (The first example in this review for one) A rewrite of certain passages and this epic adventure could go from Good to Great.
Once again good job, this chapter was amusing and seemed to suggest that many questions will be answered soon.
Amusing? you might ask so I will elaborate. Drake says, "Looks like something you'd find in Ireland" LOL where did he come up with that one? and my favorite from this chapter, "AAAAAAWWWWWKKKKKKK!!!!" Drake shrieked. I was laughing so hard.
The main cohesive part that I saw that could use some rework was Charmians dialouge when she is trying to coax Drake to continue despite his fear of heights it goes:
"For God's sake! We came all this way for a reason, didn't we? You're the one who was so dang excited earlier on. If you don't go now, I'll push you over. Then let's see how safe it is!"
Charmian could have said something like this instead.
"You were the one that as all excited about this and we came all this way and you want to quit now!" This could be followed by a description of Charmians facial expression, a rolling of eyes or puffing of cheeks or something, maybe even a gesture with her arms and hands. The main purpose would be to take out the threat of pushing him and the hokey exclamations "For God sakes!" and "dang".
Later when Charmian believes that Drake is being childish, I tend to diagree. I don't view it as childish for Drake to exclaim an expression of concern for a friend whom he has just seen take a tumple down a cliff.
Once again Charmian belittles Drake calling him a wimp in conversation with Silver Eagle Feather. With friends like these who needs enemies. I was surprised that Silver Eagle Feather didn't have an incredulous dumb found look on her face wondering why Charmian would say this about Drake. Drake may not be a strong or brave boy, but if has shown us one thing it is that he does have feelings and that he admires Charmian for her leadership qualities and for having the courage that he lacks. Perhaps Charmian could have said, "What, Drake? No I don't think that he could hurt Tal Natha."
Red Bird appearing at end seems so different than the Red Bird in the photo. So much more vulnerable and real. For accomplishing that I commend you.
Silver Eagle Feather is introduced (and even described in detail!) I like this part alot, much is revealved. The only real constructive suggestion I have to make is in reference to the twisting in Charmians stomach. It seemed overused. In many ways this is the best chapter so far and I find myself saying this again and again which means that the story is improving. The only part that I felt needed an overhaul was Chapter Three with Miss Anne's awful explanations of Manitou Island and the photo but then maybe Anne couldn't help it anyway.
The meeting of Stick in the Dirt is entertaining and the dialouge flows smoothly. The description of people is again limited only revealing that Stick in the Dirt has the look of a Native and that he is not a large man. As in the case of all other human characters before him (with the exception of Red Bird from the photo) no attempt is made to describe his features.
Charmian is consistantly rude which is beginning to make her a less likeable main character. The way she pushes Drake out of the way to make a point about their language to Stick in the Dirt and the way she consistently belittles Drake in her speach and thoughts for example when her thoughts were revealed in regards to Drake, "Idiot that he was" (as if smiling and being friendly were reason enough to make one an idiot). Drake does rudely laugh later on when Stick in the Dirts name is revealed but unlike Charmian it seems more as if Drake is simply nieve.
Stick in the Dirts reluctance to utter the name Ocryx is akin to the characters of the Harry Potter novels reluctance to speak the name of Voldemort, but the stories are different enough that the similarity ends there. As each chapter goes by the epic porportion of Manitou Island becomes more apparent. It easy to see why it would frighten away any casual sort of reader.
A logical progression from the previous chapter. Charmians parents were very cookie cutter and lame, but since they aren't a big part of the story it doesn't really matter all that much. I am starting to like Drake as much as I like Charmian as a character. Although there is no description of their appearance anywhere I have begun to formulate my own picture of them in my head. Drake for all his faults is less cynical than Charmian and is a nice counter-balance of observation from a different perspective. Why didn't they go back and visit Anne and ask her more questions after having the simialar dreams spun by Tal Natha? I think that would have fit in well. It is quite mysterious how they got to Manitou Island while the others on the ferry did not and this mystery is part of what keeps the story riveting Drake and Charmian are different and they do have a special part to play concerning Manitou Island and it's very existance.
Easily the best chapter so far. The beginning is the weakest link when Charmain thinks about Miss Anne being crazy but never expresses worry for a person that she has extended friendship to.
Tal Natha and Charmian are both excellent and well thought out characters. I now know exactly how Tal Natha looks except for perhaps his size other than being somewhat man sized. I still have no idea what Charmian looks like. I was left with one last question. Why is Charmian the one that can save the island? Why doesn't she ask Tal Natha this question. She touches on it when she asks him why he isn't choosing a man to save the damsel in distress, Tal Natha gives the proper response but never reveals to her why it is she that is special. Tal Natha includes Drake and Charmian does not ask him what Drake has to do with it. She doesn't even pause to muse on how annoying it would be to have Drake tagging along. Still this chapter is easily the best so far.
Overall I liked this chapter. Charmian is quickly identified as the main character and we observe a slice of her life in a "quiet before the storm" kind of way. We know that she is soon to be involved in a great adventure.
As for constructive critisism
What does Charmian look like?
I think giving Anne's actual age instead of "fortysomething" would have sounded smoother. I think the word snitty was overused. Drake uses it twice.....how many fourteen year old boys use the word snitty? The only ones I can think of are from English boarding schools not US public schools. How many even know the definition of the word?
I thought that Charmians reference to Drake as her "stupid" friend in response to Anne was out of character. Charmian might have said something like this to one of her female friends from school but I think she would have been more self concious and less rude when addressing someone that she respected and was thirty years her senior. Expecially since she regarded Anne as "A friendly Aunt" like person.
Lastly, the sepia (I like the use of the word sepia) photo I think it is redundant to say and quote "A small group of three people" Just say it was a photo of three people.
After reading just two chapters it is clear that this project was an ambitious and epic undertaking that took hard work and dedication.
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