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484 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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26
26
In affiliation with Horror, Inc.  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I am reviewing your work as a judge for the "Supernatural Writing Contest - Closed" . I can only offer my opinion and hope that it helps you along the way.


What worked:
It all worked! What a wonderful short story! Was very well written. Your descriptions were great allowing your reader to easily visualize this story. Eve, huh? What an original idea... hats off to you!

What Didn't work:
Nothing to comment on here.

Grammar/spelling:
I did not see any spelling,grammar,and punctuation.

Did it follow the prompt and rules of the contest?
Yes. It was open prompt and was under 3000 words.

My overall opinion:
A wonderfully written story! It was clear to see why it won third place in our contest. Well done! Thanks for sharing your story with us! We hope to see more entries from you in the future.

~Jill

Judge for the Supernatural Writing Contest
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27
27
Review of Changling  
In affiliation with Horror, Inc.  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I am reviewing your work as a judge for the "Supernatural Writing Contest - Closed" . I can only offer my opinion and hope that it helps you along the way.


What worked:
Very accurate on changelings. From what I know of them at least. Which isn't all that much. I like what you have here.

What Didn't work:
It just seemed really short. I actually wanted to read on to find out what happened after the fae took the infant back to her realm.

Grammar/spelling:
I have to put the little disclaimer here. I wouldn't be a good reviewer if I didn't mention a few things that I noticed while reading through your story. Take the suggestions and use them, or don't. Ultimately it is up to you. Some of the things may seem nit-picky, just bear in mind that all I am doing is helping you to polish your work*Smile*.

You wrote:
Granted no human babe would have his iridescent wings or his light lavender skin, but I would settle for a boy with milky blue eyes like his, even though in the human realm those milky eyes were an undesirable trait because in the human realm that meant the inability to see.
I suggest:
Granted, no human babe would have his iridescent wings or his light lavender skin. I would settle for a boy with milky blue eyes like his; in the human realm milky eyes were an undesirable trait because it meant the inability to see.

You wrote:
I had watched him for weeks, he was quiet and calm, but his parents could not handle the boy, try as they might they were only human.
I suggest:
I watched him for weeks; he was quiet and calm. But his parents could not handle him, try as they might, they were only human.

You wrote:
So I determined the best time to steal into the babe’s nursery and whisk him away to my land, the night he was under the watch of his mother’s mother, an equally incompetent human woman for she fell fast asleep, even without my urging.
I suggest:
I determined the best time to steal into the babe’s nursery and whisk him away was when he was under the watch of his maternal grandmother. An equally incompetent human woman, she fell fast asleep without my urging.

You wrote:
I came to his room, my own baby in my arms, doubtlessly about to die shortly.
I suggest:
I came to his room with my own baby in my arms; I knew my own baby would die shortly.

You wrote:
I glamoured him myself, he being to weak to hold the simplest magic.
I suggest:
I glamoured him myself, he was too weak to hold the simplest magic.

You wrote:
All the way home he had not cried out at all, his tiny fist circling my finger.
I suggest:
He had not cried at all the whole way home. His tiny fist circled my finger.

Did it follow the prompt and rules of the contest?
Yes. It was an open prompt and had less than 3000 words.

My overall opinion:
A very good depiction of changelings. It was a bit short, which was disappointing. But nonetheless, a good story. Thanks for sharing your story with us *Smile*. We look forward to more entries from you in the future! Thanks for entering! Keep writing!

~Jill

Judge for the Supernatural Writing Contest
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28
28
In affiliation with Horror, Inc.  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am reviewing your work as a judge for the "Supernatural Writing Contest - Closed" . I can only offer my opinion and hope that it helps you along the way.


What worked:
This was well written; a smoothe read. The descriptions were great allowing your reader to easily envision the scene.

What Didn't work:
It was too short; seemed unfinished. I really wanted to read on. Such a tease *Wink*.

Grammar/spelling:
Could not find any spelling/grammar issues at all.

Did it follow the prompt and rules of the contest?
Yes. It was open prompt and had less than 3000 words.

My overall opinion:
I really liked this but was disappointed when you ended it so abruptly. Like I said above, I really wanted to read on. Your descriptions were spot on...I could see it all in my mind's eye. Well done on that! Thanks for sharing your story with us *Smile*. We hope to see more entries from you in the future!

~Jill

Judge for the Supernatural Writing Contest
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29
29
Review of In the Attic  
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I am reviewing your work as a judge for the "Invalid Item"  Week 10. I can only offer my opinion and hope that it helps you along the way.


I have to put the little disclaimer here. I wouldn't be a good reviewer if I didn't mention a few things that I noticed while reading through your story. Take the suggestions and use them, or don't. Ultimately it is up to you. Some of the things may seem nit-picky, just bear in mind that all I am doing is helping you to polish your work *Smile*.

What worked:
This is very well-written story *Smile*. Your descriptions really helped me to visualize the setting. I could easily see the house, cobwebs, dust, and all the covered furniture. I could see the shelves of old tomes. I could see the man walking up the dim staircase to the attic, his lantern held in front of him lighting his way. Well done on that!!

What Could be Improved:
I felt like you could have described the beast and the main character's fear upon coming face to face with it just a little bit more. Granted, your main character was ready to high-tail it out of there. But, using the five senses to describe the scene would have made the it a bit more frightening, allowing your reader to easily visualize it and engage in it. For example: the man gasping as the beast came into view, his eyes widening, heart racing, breathing shallow, dropping the lantern, him slowly backing away from the horrifying beast. Was the beast focused on the man or just chanting, wildly waving his arms, and looking off into space? Describe the beasts facial characteristics, especially the eyes {i.e. black fathomless pits, red fiery gaze). What did the vapor that the beast emerged from smell like (fire and brimstone, sulfur, nothing at all)?

Grammar/spelling:
I did not see any mistakes in your grammar and spelling at all. Well done*Smile*!

Did it follow the prompt and rules of the contest?
Yes. You stayed well under the 6000 word limit for a short story and the prompt was open.

My overall opinion:
A well written and well described story. This story has a TON of potential! Truly it does. Just a tiny bit more description and...it would scare the pants off me! Thanks so much for entering! We look forward to more entries from you in the future! Congratulations on winning 2nd place!! It was well-deserved *Smile*!

~Jill

Judge for the Gothic Contest
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30
30
Review of SCARED  
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I am reviewing your work as a judge for the "Invalid Item"  Week 10. I can only offer my opinion and hope that it helps you along the way.


What worked:
It was quite a unique little story. A scarecrow with a soul. Your descriptions helped your reader easily envision your story.

What could be improved and Grammar/spelling:
I have to put the little disclaimer here. I wouldn't be a good reviewer if I didn't mention a few things that I noticed while reading through your story. Take the suggestions and use them, or don't. Ultimately it is up to you. Some of the things may seem nit-picky, just bear in mind that all I am doing is helping you to polish your work *Smile*

You wrote:
When he had finished, he gazed at me lovingly, his bright eyes gleaming with pride.
I suggest:
Take out the word ‘had’ and the first comma. It flows a little better that way.

You wrote:
They set a candle in my mouth and my eyes lit up, reflecting in their own as they danced around me…
I suggest:
They set a candle in my mouth that made my eyes glow. The light reflected in their eyes as they danced around me.

You wrote:
He hardly even looks my way.
I suggest:
He rarely looks my way.

You wrote:
I want to scream at him, to beg for his attention but no sound escapes my cut lips.
I suggest:
I want to scream at him, begging for attention. But, no sound escapes my cut lips.

You wrote:
My smile feels wrong now, and I wish I could frown.
I suggest:
It feels wrong to smile. I wish I could frown.

You wrote:
They call me the scare of crows, but the crows don’t care.
I suggest:
They call me a scarecrow, but, the crows aren’t scared.

You wrote:
I feel myself rotting.
The orange flesh of my face softens and bruises and the divine aroma that once filled my head has turned acrid and vile.
I suggest:
I am rotting. The once orange flesh of my face has softened and bruised. The divine aroma has turned acrid and vile.

You wrote:
A family of flies nests inside me and I feel their maggots writhing in my nostrils.
I suggest:
Flies have been landing on me. They must have laid their eggs in my soft flesh because maggots are writhing in my nostrils.

Did it follow the prompt and rules of the contest?
Yes.

My overall opinion:
I thought that your story was very unique and well thought out. Thank you for sharing your story with me *Smile*! We look forward to seeing more entries from you in the future!

~Jill

Judge for the Gothic Contest
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31
31
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I am reviewing your work as a reader. I can only offer my opinion and hope that it helps you along the way.


What worked:
I'm reviewing this because you reviewed my story. I am sorry that it took so long for me to get back to you *Frown*.

It did it's job as a prologue, it got me curious. We know why she is going to work at this mansion, not who she will be working for or what she will be doing. You showed me how she was feeling...well done *Smile*.

What didn't work:
Be careful how much you tell though. Leave a little for your reader to figure out. It all worked though. Just a friendly word of advice *Smile*.

Grammar/spelling:
I have to put the little disclaimer here. I wouldn't be a good reviewer if I didn't mention a few things that I noticed while reading through your story. Take the suggestions and use them, or don't. Ultimately it is up to you. Some of the things may seem nit-picky, just bear in mind that all I am doing is helping you to polish your work*Smile*.

You wrote:
“Mom, it’s definitely not. your. fault. It’s because of your so-called charity company who doesn’t even give charity to their own workers. It’s also the other companies that didn’t hire you just because you didn’t have proper experience! Oh, oh, and that Wiener’s –“ A nickname for Bob Wenner, a real estate man who told us to sell the house if we couldn’t afford it anymore. He kept knocking on our doors until I suggested to work. “– fault too! How dare he intrude our home like that!” I raised my voice.
I suggest:
"Mom, its definiely not. your. fault. It's because your so-called charity company doesn't even give charity to their own workers. It's also the other companies that didn't hire you just because you didn't have the proper experience! Oh, oh, and that wiener's fault too! How dare he intrude in our home like that!" I raised my voice as I carried on. Wiener was a nickname for Bob Wenner, a real estate man who told us to sell the house if we couldn't afford it anymore. He kept knocking on our door until I suggested that I take a job.

You wrote:
Since the wages in the charity company was so low, we were always living through a slim budget, slim enough that it might vanish.
I suggest:
Since the wages in the charity company were so low, we were always living on a slim budget; slim enough that it will vanish easily.

You wrote:
Fighting the urge to cry, I took several breaths, and when I calmed myself,

“Love you, Mom. As I always will. Tell Dad that I’ll miss him very much. And I love our home. I will do anything, absolutely anything to protect us.”
I suggest:
Put it all together. Connect it with an action. For example:
Fighting the urge to cry, I took several breaths, finally calming myself. "Love you, Mom. As I always will. Tell Dad that I'll miss him very much. And that I love our home. I will do anything, absolutely anything to protect us."

My overall opinion:
Overall, so far so good ma' dear. Well played, well written. You have lured me in...I will be reading on! I hope this helps you. Thanks for sharing your story with me! *Smile*


~Jill

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32
32
Review of Jingle Jangle  
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I am reviewing your work as a reader. I can only offer my opinion and hope that it helps you along the way.


What worked:
Wow...chill bumps! I especially shuddered at this: I felt something on the back of my neck, something warm and damp. It was licking me, the jingling next to my ear didn’t cease, the object was If anything, jingling louder. Eww...just...eww! Damn!

What a great story! A brother, Michael, comes back to finish his unfinished business. But because of what the Michael did and because Colin isn't sure what will happen if he does take back his beloved teddy bear, Colin will not allow Michael to finish his business and is content to let him rot, so to speak. How original. It was very well-written. The descriptions were great, allowing your reader to easily envision the story. Well done!!

What didn't work:
Nothing to comment on here.

Grammar/spelling:
I have to put the little disclaimer here. I wouldn't be a good reviewer or friend if I didn't mention a few things that I noticed while reading through your story. Take the suggestions and use them, or don't. Ultimately it is up to you. Some of the things may seem nit-picky, just bear in mind that all I am doing is helping you to polish your work *Smile*. I'm pretty sure you could have this published...and soon. It is very good!

You wrote:
I wanted to turn and run across the room and grab it for myself, but I knew that wouldn‘t work.
I suggest:
Maybe take out 'for myself'.

You wrote:
I looked out through a gap between my duvet and matress and seen mother turn around and blow me and my brother a kiss.
I suggest:
I looked out through the gap between my duvet and mattress and watched mother turn around to blow my brother and I a goodnight kiss.

You wrote:
It was the last time I seen my mother alive.
I suggest:
It was the last time I'd see my mother alive.

You wrote:
When I didn’t react it continued with a hint of frustration in its voice,
I suggest:
When I didn't react, it continued with a hint of frustration in it's voice,

You wrote:
In them screams I could hear words.
I suggest:
I could hear words in their screams.

My overall opinion:
Fantastic Stucky!! I missed you and just had to read the story that E thought was soooo phenomenal. I have to agree with him on this one, it is pretty great. I have no doubt that this one will be published...perhaps in the near future? Anyways, well done! Thank you for sharing your story with me *Smile*! Can't wait til' you get back!


~Jill

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33
33
Review of Big Bad Wolf  
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I am reviewing your work as a judge for the "Supernatural Writing Contest - Closed" . I can only offer my opinion and hope that it helps you along the way.


What worked:
Everything worked. This is a great story! Your character's personalities practically bled off the page. I love the dialogue between Jack and Eddie. They seem so...real. Well done on that. The descriptions are great, allowing your reader to easily envision your story. Great Job!

What Didn't work:
Nothing to comment on here.

Grammar/spelling:
I have to put in a little disclaimer here. I wouldn't be a good reviewer if I didn't mention a couple things that I noticed while reading through your story. Take the suggestions and use them, or don't. Ultimately it is up to you. Some of the things may seem nitpicky, just bear in mind that all I am doing is helping you to polish your work.

You wrote:
He gave me a blank stare, nodding towards the paper.

"Note the photographs of the girls, ya compassionate prick." He said with a roll of his eyes.
I suggest:
Maybe combine these sentences.

You wrote:
Eddie had a point. I sighed.

"You want to look into it don't you?"
I suggest:
Maybe combine these sentences.

You wrote:
"See it's to easy. You got a hard on to keep the normals from getting hurt."
I suggest:
In this instance 'to' should be written as 'too'.

You wrote:
It was one of a handful of tricks I had inherited, along with the ability to manipulate the areas of which said god held purview over; the sun which manifested as control over heat and flame and pestilence, which let me do some very creative, and often times not so pleasant, things with the naturally occuring bacteria and viruses inside the human body.
I suggest:
It was one of a handful of tricks I had inherited, along with the ability to manipulate the areas of which Nergal held purview. The sun, which manifested as control over heat, flame, and pestilence; allowed me to do some very creative, and often times not so pleasant things with the naturally occuring bacteria and viruses in the human body.

You wrote:
The clearing my senses had led me too was a set two groups of trees.
I suggest:
The clearing that my senses led me to was a set of two groups of trees.
or
The clearing that my senses led me to was set between two groups of trees.

You wrote:
The perfume of flowers was heavy here, and underneath that the sticky sweet metallic odor of blood hung in the air like a bad hangover.
I suggest:
The perfume of the flowers was heavy here and underneath that was the sticky, sweet, metallic odor of blood. The odor hung in the air like a bad hangover.

You wrote:
The air felt colder here, and it seemed somehow thicker, sliding over my skin like greasy fingers.
I suggest:
The air felt colder, thicker somehow, sliding over my skin like greasy fingers.

You wrote:
A siren's warbling scream passed a flew blocks away, fading as it put distance between us.
I suggest:
A siren's warbling scream a few blocks away faded the further away it got.

You wrote:
The recent deaths in the area felt almost tangible.
I suggest:
The recent deaths in the area almost tangible.

You wrote:
I could almost here the buzz of creatures too small to be seen even on the most advanced of instruments, viruses and bacterium that had still been as of yet discovered.
I suggest:
I could almost hear the buzz of creatures too small to be seen even on the most advanced of instruments, viruses and bacterium that have yet to be discovered.

You wrote:
I kept my eyes on the creature's silhouette against the already dark sky, watching it circle slowly, almost languidly, biding it's time to strike again.
I suggest:
Maybe change 'dark' to 'darkened'.

You wrote:
It's claws scrambled against me, talons the size of my hand cutting deep lacerations against my chest and thighs.
I suggest:
Changing the second 'against' to 'into'.

You wrote:
The other rained punches, small rings of fire radiating out with each blow and sending gouts of putrid tasting blood and the smell of burnt hair into my face.
I suggest:
The other hand raining punches, small rings of fire radiating with each blow, sending gouts of putrid tasting blood and the smell of burnt hair into my face.

You wrote:
Its struggles weakened as I hit it, the wolf's head becoming mishapen as my fists rained down on it, turning it into a pulpy mass of tissue and bone.
I suggest:
The beast weakened as I hit it. The wolf's head becoming mishapen as my fists rained down on it, turning it into a pulpy mass of tissue and bone.

You wrote:
Finally, with one last blow. it stopped moving and I rolled over, pushing it away, to stare up into the sky while my body regained it's normal appearance.
I suggest:
Finally with one last blow, it stopped moving. I rolled over, pushing it away to stare up at the sky while my body regained its normal appearance.

You wrote:
I was cut to ribbons, the warm sticky feeling of blood covering my legs and torso.
I suggest:
I was cut to ribbons, warm sticky blood covering my legs and torso.

Did it follow the prompt and rules of the contest?
Yes, it did. The story featured a beast much like the prompt and the word count was kept under 3000.

My overall opinion:
It's easy to see why your story was chosen as the winner of our contest. As I mentioned above, your character's seem very real. The descriptions of the surroundings, people, and the beast were phenomenal. This allowed your reader to easily envision the scene. Very well done! Congratulations on your win! You certainly had some great competition. We hope to see more contest entries from you in the future. Thanks for sharing your story with us *Smile*!

~Jill

Judge for the Supernatural Writing Contest
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34
34
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I am reviewing your work as a reader. I can only offer my opinion and hope that it helps you along the way.


What worked:
Everything worked. This was very well-written. Easy to follow. The descriptions and dialogue were fantastic, allowing your reader to easily envision the scene. Well done!

What didn't work:
Nothing to comment on here.

Grammar/spelling:
I wouldn't be a good friend or reviewer if I didn't point out some things that I noticed as I was reading. Either use my suggestions or don't it's up to you. I think your story flows just fine as is.

You wrote:
Eddie shook his head slowly.

“Sorry man.”

I shrugged.

“It's not as bad as it seems, just...odd.” I said calmly.
I suggest:
Maybe combine these sentences. For example:
Eddie shook his head slowly, "Sorry man."

I shrugged and calmly said, "It's not as bad as it seems, just...odd."

You wrote:
Eddie looked towards the door. He tilted his beer, pointing with the opening.

“That's her.”
I suggest:
Again, combine the sentences.
Eddie looked toward the door. He tilted his beer, pointing with the opening, "That's her."

You wrote:
Allready he had the pad and pencil out.
I suggest:
'Allready' should be spelled 'Already'.

You wrote:
I nodded slowly.

“Evening.” I said.
I suggest:
Another one where it might be better to combine...
I nodded slowly and said, "Evening."

You wrote:
“So um...”

I rolled my eyes, already impatient.

“So um. Why were you looking for me?”
I suggest:
"So um..." I rolled my eyes, already impatient. "So um, why were you looking for me?"

You wrote:
I quirked a brow, impatience no doubt starting to show on my face.

“Miss?” I said, leaving the statement open ended.
I suggest:
I quirked a brow, impatience no doubt starting to show on my face. "Miss?" I said, leaving the statement open ended.

You wrote:
I settled my eyes on her, and watched.

“Next thing you know?” I said flatly.
I suggest:
I settled my eyes on her and watched. "Next thing you know?" I said flatly.

You wrote:
I reached out, snatching the pad and pencil from Eddie and threw them unceremoniously in front of her.

"Get to it then."
I suggest:
I reached out, snatching the pad and pencil from Eddie and threw them unceremoniously in front of her. "Get to it then."

You wrote:
I tilted my head for a moment, thinking before saying.

"Diatribe."
I suggest:
I tilted my head for a moment, thinking before saying, "Diatribe."

You wrote:
I nodded my head towards Ally, who was talking quietly with Eddie.

"Think you can let her crash in the backroom tonight?"
I suggest:
I nodded my head toward Ally, who was talking quietly with Eddie. "Think you can let her crash in the backroom tonight?"

You wrote:
Cyrus raised a brow, then turned his colorless gaze towards the girl, then back towards me.

"Ayup."
I suggest:
Cyrus raised a brow, then turned his colorless gaze toward the girl, then back toward me, "Ayup."

You wrote:
I pointed at her.

"You're sleeping here tonight. Cyrus has a cot in a back room he uses to keep his empty kegs. He'll feed you."
I suggest:
I pointed at her. "You're sleeping here tonight. Cyrus has a cot in a back room he uses to keep his empty kegs. He'll feed you."

You wrote:
She lowered her eyes and nodded. I turned towards Eddie.

"You ready to go?"
I suggest:
She lowered her eyes and nodded. I turned toward Eddie, "You ready to go?"

You really don't have to use any of my suggestions. Your story does well without any changes. The only reason I mentioned combining the dialogue with the action is that it tags the character that is speaking. If that makes sense.By doing this, your reader will not be confused who is speaking. This is extremely well-written otherwise. Only one spelling mistake..Damn your good*Smile*!

My overall opinion:
I think that your story is fantastic and will be reading on. You easily drew me in with the dialogue, descriptions, and just the mystery of what could have possibly happened to Ally's sister and friends. I find myself asking, what can Jack do for her that the police can't? As I said above, I will be reading on. Thank you for sharing your story with me *Smile*!


~Jill

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35
35
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I am reviewing your work as a reader. I can only offer my opinion and hope that it helps you along the way.


What worked:

It all worked. The imagery was phenomenal, easily drawing your reader in and enticing them to read on. I'm a very visual person, so this was perfect. I love how you left it off. The 1st chapter did it's job, you've drawn me in and left me wanting more.

What didn't work:

Nothing to comment on here.


Grammar/spelling:

You wrote:
Once it open and firmly in hand he settled back in the worn, overstuffed fake leather chair and sighed.
What I'd do:
The 'once' in this sentence just didn't sound right. Maybe try this, "With it open and firmly in hand he settled back into the worn, overstuffed fake leather chair and sighed."

My overall opinion:

Overall, a great read. Very well-written. Easily draws your readers in leaving them wanting more. I will be reading on! Thanks for sharing your story with me!!

~Jill
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36
36
Review of 5 Little Guests  
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I am reviewing your work as a guest judge for "Invalid Item" . I can only offer my opinion and hope that it helps you along the way. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


What worked:

I liked the premise of your story. Your main character takes it upon himself to play 'hero' and venture into an old man's house to presumably save a young boy. Only to find that he has put himself into mortal danger. You really did well 'painting the picture'. I could easily visualize your story as I read it.


What didn't work:

It wasn't that smooth of a read. Why? Because the story wasn't formatted that great. It would have been easier to read had you separated it into paragraphs. As is, all the words kind of melt together and its easier for your reader to lose their place.

Had it been my story, I would have written this piece in third person limited point of view. Why? You speak in past tense from your main character's perspective(1st person POV) who ends up dead at the end of the story. So how is your main character able to tell the tale if he's dead? In third person limited you are speaking from a narrator's perspective in the point of view of your main character. So using 'he/him' instead of 'I/me'.
Also, give your main character a name...it'll help your reader identify with him.


Grammar/spelling:

There were a few mistakes. See above for this. Spelling wasn't really an issue.

My overall opinion:

Alright Xavier, I wan't you to know that I do love your story. I just think it would have had more potential of winning this contest if you had fixed some of the things that were outlined above. This is the advice of one writer to another, a friend to a friend, and finally a judge to contest entrant. I know you have it in you!! You are a fantastic storyteller and have a truly amazing mind! If you ever need an opinion on a story or help with a re-write, shoot me an email. I'd be more than happy to help.

Thank you for entering your work into "Invalid Item" . We encourage you to continue to enter and look forward to reading more of your horror/scary stories in the near future. Thanks for sharing your story with us!!

~Jill
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37
37
Review of Pleading carrot  
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I am reviewing your work as a reader. I can only offer my opinion and hope that it helps you along the way.


What worked:
It all worked surprisingly well together. Can't complain about the story at all. It was great!!


What didn't work:

Nothing to note here.


Grammar/spelling:

Only one thing for spelling...you spelled "manacle" when I think you meant "maniacal". A "manacle" is a handcuff, "maniacal" is like a maniac. That's all. There are some punctuation issues, but none of it took my attention from your story!!


My overall opinion:

Another great short story from Luis Padilla!! Very well done, well thought out piece. The imagery was great, I could see it all in my minds eye. Damn carrots!! Thanks for sharing your story with me!! Happy Reading/Writing!!

~Jill
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38
38
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I am reviewing your work as a reader. I can only offer my opinion and hope that it helps you along the way.


What worked:

This is going to be a pretty boring review for you. Everything worked well together. The story flowed well and the descriptions you used helped the reader easily visualize what is going on in the story.


What didn't work:

Nothing to comment on here. No improvements needed.


Grammar/spelling:

Absolutely no spelling/grammar errors.


My overall opinion:

A very well written short story. I loved the descriptions as I tend to be a more visual person. There is only one rating a perfect short story can earn...and you've earned it!! Thanks for sharing your story with me! Happy reading/writing!

~Jill

If you have an interest in writing/reading Supernatural stories, come check out the Supernatural Group! Just click the image below to visit our group page...

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39
39
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I am reviewing your work as a reader. I can only offer my opinion and hope that it helps you along the way.


What worked:

The story is great! Great premise, good visuals.


What didn't work:

As you know, and have acknowledged in the past, your spelling isn't the best. I know that you were in the zone and typing like a mad man. But the spelling is the only thing that slowed my reading and interfered with my understanding. That is the only thing that didn't work in your story.


Grammar/spelling:

As mentioned above. Spelling errors throughout, some punctuation errors as well. Easy fixes...


My overall opinion:

Scorch~ Notice my rating of your piece. 4.5 that's pretty damn good, right? The story is phenomenal. You just need to spell check it, that's all. It did do it's job, it drew me in and left me wanting to read on to find out what will happen. Job well done! I love your imagination!! Thanks for sharing your story with me!! Happy reading/writing!

~Jill

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40
Review of Sharp  
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I am reviewing your work as a reader. I can only offer my opinion and hope that it helps you along the way.


What worked:

It all worked well together. I love your descriptions. I am a very visual person and it wasn't hard for me to visualize the old man...among other things. Well done.


What didn't work:

Nothing to complain of here. All very well written.


Grammar/spelling:

I didn't spot any grammar/spelling errors. But I was quite wrapped up in the story itself. Normally any errors I would have mentioned, would have affected my being able to read your story smoothly. I would have stumbled. Not a problem for your story at all.


My overall opinion:

All in all a very well written piece. I love the concept of an open ending for a short story. It truly does leave your reader's mind reeling; what may have happened, or what kind of being the old man was. Well done!! Thank you for sharing your story with me!! Happy reading/writing!!

~Jill
If you enjoyed writing this piece, you should come check out the Supernatural Group. We might be a good fit for you!! Just click the signature below and it will take you to our Group page. Hope to see you there!!
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41
41
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I am reviewing your work as a reader. I can only offer my opinion and hope that it helps you along the way.


What worked:
I haven't changed my opinion. I still love your story!! The descriptions are fantastic!


What didn't work:

When you go through the dialogue of the news report, I would recommend you keep the two paragraphs together. Also I'd use Italics to differentiate the newsreport from the two girls' conversation. I hope this makes sense. Also, when you change scenes from Jesse's house to Kylie's house, space between the paragraph just one more time. It would make for a smoother read.


Grammar/spelling:
This is a review, so I am going to share a few things I noticed. They are relatively minor. But as a fellow writer, I know that I'd expect it from a review.

You wrote:
I don't have any classes with him, but he's been in my schools for my whole life.
What I'd do:
I didn't have any classes with him; but we've gone to the same school's my entire life.

You wrote:
In these little duplexes on the other side of Douglas is where Jesse lives.
What I'd do:
Jesse lived in the little duplexes on the other side of Douglas.

You wrote:
"Why's it always go to the stupid news channel," she mumbles to herself.
What I'd do:
Kylie mumbled to herself, "Why's it always go to the stupid news channel?"

Then there is one point that you spell awful like: Aweful. Just take out the 'e' and you're good to go!*Smile*

My overall opinion:

I haven't changed my tune. I love your story, and am more than willing to help out a fellow writer. You have got yourself and fantastic start!! Keep it up! I'll keep reading and reviewing if you'd like me to! Thanks for sharing your story with me! Happy reading/writing!

~Jill
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42
42
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I am reviewing your work as a reader. I can only offer my opinion and hope that it helps you along the way.


What worked:

Everything worked. The opening line drew me in...I love vampire stories. I'm a very visual person. You painted the picture well for me. I could see your story in my minds eye.


What didn't work:

It all worked. There is nothing to critique. Nothing that I would change about your story.


Grammar/spelling:

I didn't see any obvious errors in your story. But, I really wasn't looking for them. You drew me into the story. If there had been any grammar/spelling errors I would have stumbled while I was reading. I didn't stumble...it was a smooth read.


My overall opinion:

I think you can tell from what I have written above that I really liked your story. I think I'll take a look in your port as well. I love this type of story. Thanks for sharing your story with me! It was very well written. Happy reading/writing!

~Jill
Come check out The Supernatural Group. You'd fit right in!!
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43
43
Review of Reflections  
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I am reviewing your work as a reader. I can only offer my opinion and hope that it helps you along the way.


What worked:

Everything worked. Your descriptions are great. You painted the picture well; I could visualize your story in my minds eye. Very good


What didn't work:

Just a suggestion, You may want to put a space in between your paragraphs to make it a smoother read for your readers. I hope that makes sense.


Grammar/spelling:

There are a couple errors that I noticed but they would be easily found on a re-read. Capitalization errors like this...

“’course not, Harriet. I’m still all here, I’m just doing a little redecorating.”

See not bad at all. You did quite well.


My overall opinion:

This was a very well written and kept my interest from beginning to end. I had no trouble visualizing your story. I loved it! Great Job! Thank you for sharing your story with me! Happy reading/writing!

~Jill
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44
44
Review of "Jonah's grin"  
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I am reviewing your work as a reader. I can only offer my opinion and hope that it helps you along the way.


What worked:
Everything worked. I love this story. I love stories with happy endings! I love the message~ you can overcome anything. And Jonah did.


What didn't work:

Everything worked well together in this piece. Nothing to note here.


Grammar/spelling:
It looks alright to me*Wink*! Nothing I'd change.


My overall opinion:
I just realized that I hadn't given you a formal rate/review. I love this story! I think that it is fantastic! There is nothing I would change about it. You painted the picture well. Thanks for sharing your story with me and allowing me to help you with it! Happy reading/writing!

~Jill
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45
45
Review of Debriefing  
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I am reviewing your work as a reader. I can only offer my opinion and hope that it helps you along the way.


What worked:

Everything worked!! I love the premise of this story. It all flowed neatly together and paints the picture for your reader beautifully...er maybe that's not the word to use...


What didn't work:

It all worked well together.


Grammar/spelling:

Looks good to me *Wink*!


My overall opinion:

I had just realized that I had never given you a formal rate/review. I love this story. Thanks for sharing it and allowing me to help you with it! Happy reading/writing!

~Jill
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46
46
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Xavier~

I love the story!! You painted the picture well, remembering to show, not tell. I will say one thing, and it is quite minor. Just to show that two separate entities are talking I would space your dialogue apart. It would make for a slightly smoother read. I will show you what I mean below:

As you wrote:
“You…” “Yes, it is I.” “Who are you?”
“Jack Clow Road. Strange happening. Please check it out Derange.” “On it.”

See how that kind of melds together for your reader?

What I am suggesting:

"You..."

"Yes, it is I."

"Who are you?"

Another Example:

"Jack Clow Road. Strange Happening. Please check it out Derange."

"On it."

It's just easier to see the change from one person to another dialogue wise. Otherwise, this is a great read!! You should continue your story...awesome premise. Plus, you kind of left it wide open at the end!! I look forward to reading more of your work! Happy Reading/Writing!!

~Jill
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47
47
Review of The Tunnel  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I liked how you painted the picture. I could see your descriptions in my minds' eye. It was a good story. I think your dialogue is great. As far as grammar...I don't see any error there. A little more back story would have been good to help to guide the way for your reader. Your characters obviously have a history but, how do they know each other? Why did she kiss him? There didn't seem to be any build up to it. Only one sided sexual tension. The story implied that Roger was interested in Nadia; not so much the other way around. Yet, Nadia initiated the kiss. All in all a good story. Maybe needs a little work to help the reader to understand it better. But like I said above, you do a great job 'showing not telling' or painting the picture. Keep up the good work! Thanks for sharing your story with me! Happy reading/writing!!

~Jill
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48
Review of The Immortal Kiss  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I thought this was quite good. It kept me interested. I'm the type of reader that doesn't pay too much attention to the grammar or punctuation but as far as I can tell you have made no mistakes there. I visualize the story in my minds eye as I read and you painted the picture well. Good Job! Thanks for sharing your story with me!

~Jill
49
49
Review of Dark Delight  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
That was beautiful! That's all I really have to say...great job!
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50
Review of McDracula  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very well written. A far cry away from the glamourous vampires portrayed today...who'd have thought to make them work in a less than glamourous profession. Very interesting. I love what you have so far. It kept me interested and wanting to read more. I loved your dialogue and descriptions. You did well painting the picture...you hooked me!
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