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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/berjamer
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4 Public Reviews Given
18 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Sunrise, sunrise  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem seemed to me to have a rhythem that flowed as a river, ever onwards towards it's goal. Okay enough of the cheesey similies, instead I'll use pink text.

Pink is a color of imagination. Anyway, I'm being completely serious about my views of this poems flow. It seemed to take hold of my mind and send it gentle through the words as a raft on, as previously mentioned, a river. It's very compelling. The end is very interesting as well, "The joy we derive in watching death, again alive." That line just seems to have some inner essence that sets it off in my mind as excellent and perhaps even quotable. Maybe while I'm quoting random things I'll remember that line, that's how powerful it's grip on my mind is. I think that I'll remember it, I think I will indeed. Thank you for writing this poem and know that I rated it as a five for a reason. Rated for a reason friend, rated for a reason.

P.S. Pink ist gut!!!
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Review of I worry too much  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Do you paint? Well, you paint pictures with your words regardless if you using a paint brush and canvas or not. This is a pretty good poem.

Let's start out with the trivial changes,

You've a grammar mistake in your seventh line. It should be too rather than to. I hate it when I'm typing and leave out that elusive extra o.

Now for a little bit less trivial things, or perhaps you will see them as trivial as well, we shall see...

In your fourth line it says "Reeling energy could not be compared." This line has no subject. You might have been going for the abstract style, but a subject is still good thing to have. It saves the readers from uneccesary confusion. It's okay to confuse the readers with your amazing grasp of language and your view of reality, but grammer issues confusing the readers is another matter entirely. Put a subject in this fourth line to clear things up. To keep it abstract you could simply say "It's reeling energy..." If you don't have a subject it seem like your simply stating that reeling energy can't be compared, but you used the wrong verb tense. The subject keeps readers focussed on the poem.

Line ten and eleven seem like they are inverted. It seems to me like you should be saying "Under the street lamp I pondered, I know my work will never be honored." That way, there is a subject to what your pondering about instead of leaving it as you pondered about something that is unknown and perhaps completely unrelated to your poem.

It seems like in your last line, the word jerk should be plural. I thought that it was they that were viewing your work, therefore it is they who are jerks? Perhaps? Perhaps not. It just seemed to me that jerk shouild become jerks, even if your rhyming companion for jerks wasn't plural.

Line nine does not have a line to rhyme with. Perhaps you intended this line to stand out because it doesn't have a rhyme? Although it does make the line stand out slightly, I believe that it takes too much away from the flow of the poem to be without a rhyming line to go along with it.

All in all, I liked this poem. The more I read over it the more I like it. It's a good poem, thank you for writing it.

Sincerely,

Someone Who Isn't You
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