The intro I like. In the chorus I would love for you to give a beat before: Anywhere and lift it a note.
'I'd follow you ... anywhere.'
Back drums of in the chorus they're drowning every thing. You know what I think about solo's, and once again, maybe a modern idiom, they force us, the listener, to lose contact with the voice. Ending gave out some real fire which I liked.
The main critism is the fact I didn't hear enough of your great voice. It is unusual and strong, and more attention should be aimed at promoting that aspect of your group.
Don't know if this is what you wanted but it's what you get. Great voice Laurie, do more with it!
Love,
Johnny
You have a great talent, the content is good and the presentation. But there are a couple of typos, picky but needed, I believe.
3rd stanza last line: 'He pulls out a rock ... ' I thought it would jell better if the rock and the knife changed places.
'He pulls out a knife, on a rock he will hone' as you don't normally carry a rock around with you?
4th Stanza: as he whiles ... (As)
though she knows ... (Though) both caps
If you start with Caps keep it going throughout.
Keep writing I will call again.
Johnny
Mental illness, and that's what it is, an illness, is always relegated to the back benches, to use a sporting term. I know we can't have someone walking the steets in a unbeknown daze. But we can take the time to address a problem that, though not of our making, is still a problem we should be okay with.
Metal house, there's an odd term (house), nurses are being left with the short end of the stick, so to speak. And even though your dedication Megan can never be questioned, we are in danger of commiting more to our list through the inadequate assistance Goverments give on a World-wide scale.
The resultant stress induced leave, and illness, is, and will continue to put even further strain on the fragile minds of the ones who do the caring. God forbid that this should ever happen to you Megan.
You can only give so much, please don't give your all, no matter how much you love your patients.
Lots-0-Love,
Johnny
Megan, I wish I'd read this earlier, I thought it was another of your stories. What a disaster pet and I am sorry for your losses. Your husband, Dean, sounds like a hell of a guy. At least you had each other to help repair your lives.
Lots-0-Love,
Johnny
P.S. Did you replace all your dolls?
Well if you feel that bad, how about giving me all your money so that you won't feel so bad. I can spend it all on junk, so saving you from the gult. Then I can drive away with your car, so that you can't knock someone down, and save you the guilt of that.
Then I could offer you the moon, but then you'd probably rent it out to the wrong people and feel guilty all over again. You're a worry, still never mind, at least you've only one thing to worry about, Guilt!
I've got heaps, tell me the ways.
Johnny
P.S If the points make you feel guilty you can always send them back.
Great stuff Megan, it will be that time of year again soon. I miss all the snow in England at Chistmas, as here in New Zealand it will be the middle of summer.
Ah well.
Lots-0-Love
Johnny
You could always tell them it was a coloured rainbow sort of life. And that grandma was the pot at the end of it. Might work, but then again kids aren't stupid. Anyway, I enjoyed this all to brief journey with you, and hope to visit again.
Johnny
A great observation that must stem from your abillity to laugh at yourself, not something that is done easily. The content is all there, and you present it in a believable way, that fat shouldn't verse thin they are part of the same equation.
Myself, I consider to be built for comfort and not for speed(been there done that).
Relaxed muscle I call it, but sometimes I have been known to call it 'chest-drop syndrome' it sounds that much better.
Johnny
Good, I take it was from a prompt. All the ingrediants are there, and your presentation was good. There was only one little flaw that I saw, and that was when she said: I was rather parched in the throat. I don't think you need the 'in the throat.' You think, it's your story.
johnny
Clever use of the hidden 'Who am I' it's a good question really. I mean we look into the mirror most mornings, see most instead of every, but I fail to see who I am. Probably just as well.
Johnny
P.S. I would also like to thank you personally, for the brave decision you made in making me your winner. I'm just thankful you judges didn't enter.
Have I told you I love funny. You must have been writing for years on and off. It shows you know, I can tell when someone is stuggling with a story because then I struggle with the read. But I just flowed through yours, very good if I say so myself.
Johnny
P.S It must run in the family, as I reviewed your girls and the same trait was in evidence there as well.
Someone once said that there are things nothing more surer than life death and taxes. I am for want of another word Workedout. But this isn't to say that life doesn't still hold all the challenges that it did as a young guy. The challenges at my end of life are more complex, like should I use dentures or not, should I use glasses or not, should I get out of bed or not. Or should I simply dream my remaining years away.
Merlin the wizard said and I quote: You should spend the first 30 years doing what pleases you and other people. Then reavaluate and spend the next 30 years doing something else. This he said should be the norm from then on. I am into my third time.
Maybe he had something.
Johnny
Very effective prose, good content and presentation. Now we've got that out the way, I reckon it's a very good story that is actually relevent when it comes to children. You are quite correct in your potrayal of Mr Bones, that children are not prepared at a younger age for the mysteries of death.
Funny how the mind works, that as we get older we start to relive our younger moments.
Johnny
I'm rating you on content only. You have a great need, to seperate your paragraphs and to a lesser degree the diologue. It becomes hard on the eyes after a very short time. Give a little white space and don't be so urgent in your writing. The scene may ask for urgency, but this doesn't mean that you need to write quicker.
If you edit your work I will re-read and rate accordingly.
Johnny
I like your story it shows that youngsters can be diplomatic at an early age. Unfortuantely it seems to disappear as people grow older, shame really.
Well written and good content. I'm an old grouch so you need to keep my interest right through, and you did that.
Johnny
I have rated you on content, but your stanza's seemed to be a little out of sinc. Don't get me wrong I love the poem and the message in there. But when a line holds me up then it gives me time to think. This then breaks the rythem that you have previously built up.
The odd thing is it seems to happen in the even numbered stanza's?
I can offer alternatives to some of your words but that would be up to you. It is your poem so let me know.
Johnny
e.g: Last line second stanza, I would change Ashamed to Shamed, helps the flow.
See what a talent you are Megan. This disatation on the Grimm brother is good, in fact I will go so far as to say very good. And if anyone reading this needed a push, then they only need to remember the iron box, the key is in their hand and only needs turning.
Johnny
Life and death are part of the same equasion, one without the other cannot be. Be thankful that you are able to reach her through any intermediary that gives you solace.
Johnny
I'm glad I don't spen a lot of time in your head. I thought my was bad enough. What was that, oh I see, what do you see as your most beguiling atribute?
Johnny
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