There are some great images that bring this poem to life, such as tiger lilies clashing against the iris sea. Also, you have used some great verbs like erupts, floods, smash, and batter. Great verbs are a sign of strong writing.
One thing that I noticed right away is your rhyme scheme. You have used internal and end rhyme at somewhat irregular intervals. I would suggest eliminating it if it is too hard to get the words to work right or figure out a scheme that works a bit more regularly. But keep in mind that like everything in a poem the rhyme needs to add to the overall effect. So if you are finding that it isn't adding anything take out the rhymes.
One final thing... I understand that this poem isn't finished, but you have all these great verbs and descriptions of flowers and colors and you start with an image of you and your friends standing waiting. I feel like the "I" is lost among all the description. It would be nice to see where you were going to go with that first line.
Well, thanks for the great read. I am sure that it will be excellent when you are finished. And remember this is your poem, so if you can take any of the suggestions you want and leave the rest.
Thanks for the read. It is nice to a poem about love and how couples can flourish. You have done some interesting things in this poem. The first thing I noticed is the contrast that you make between couples who fall apart because of the nonsense of relationships and those that do well in spite of it. Also, the theme of timelessness is very interesting too. You definitely have the potential for some interesting conflicts.
I would like to see this poem expanded to include some concrete images. The words arcane and tomfoolery are great words but they could mean a number of things. Try to be as specific as possible. Also the use of arcane relates to the word magical at the end which links god's realm with tomfoolery. So be careful when you are using similar words to describe things that are opposites.
One suggestion to restructure the poem so it would have a bit more conflict and the possibility if conflict resolution is to have the entire poem about the relationships that succumb because of the arcane tomfoolery. Then at the end of the poem you can make the switch and write one or two lines about you and your partner causing the reader to look at the entire poem again but in reverse.
There is a lot of potential here. You have hit on some big themes, timelessness, love, god. As my poetry teacher would say: It's alive. But try to expand it to really show the potential these themes have to influence the reader.
You have a very interesting story. I really think there is some great potential for it. You have written some good relationships between your main character and the minor characters in the story. Also, the dialogue between the land lady and Fred at the beginning was great at revealing character early on in the story.
There are a few problems I have with it. The first is the lack of character development in the story. We learn about a quarter of the way into to the piece what the problem may be. However, as this remains unresolved at the end of the story one has to assume that the main problem was something else, but where that is I am not sure. Ultimately, Fred is the same person at the end as he is at the beginning.
There are some good opportunities for conflict in your story that could be more fully realized. The relationship with his dad could be one and the relationship with the land-lady could be another. To go from enemies to friends would certainly show character development and offer some interesting problems for your main character to solve.
Solving problems is another issue with the story. As everything happens easily for the character (gets the girl, gets money from his father with no real consequences) Fred's personality never gets a chance to shine through.
One last thing I would suggest is think about what you are trying to say or prove with this story. What is the story's premise? Once you know what you want to say, you can go through and take out all the scenes that don't in someway support what you are trying to say.
Ultimately, I enjoyed this read and though there are some things that need to be improved, I am confidant that this piece of writing is fully capable of shining with some work.
Thanks for the read!!
Morgan
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