Wow. Very dense piece with phenomenally strong words. *reads it again*
What jumped out at me is the religious imagery in here is beautiful. the "sanguine halo" brings to mind the crucifixion of Christ and the following stanza mentioning the thorns . . . I may be quite far off, but poetry speaks differently to the reader as it did to the writer.
Overall you have some beautiful contrasting couplings here. The sensual imagery here is breathtaking and I find myself lost in the rich images.
The last stanza is not my favorite. I understand what you are trying to accomplish, but it comes across as a bit weaker than the rest of the poem. Perhaps research some synonyms for flying and swimming?
"In surreal indifference to the love of man." I freaking LOVE that line. Just. . . wow. Nicely done.
I don't know why, but the first two times I read this I truly thought it was the wife who was passing. *shakes head at herself* Though it makes more sense now. I was really mad at the husband for rushing her; for his cold heartedness at her hesitancy. I guess I can't be mad at him now though.
The wording here "'It must be, or only agony remains'" seems a little awkward though. Not as colloquial as would be expected. Not necessarily bad, but noticed.
Your use of details and incidents make this poem real. The image in the beginning is reminiscent of Alice in Wonderland and has a wonderfully innocent feel. You certainly can feel you and your sister grow throughout the piece. I love this line "Green eyed Betty; beautifully slim and auburn haired." Beautiful.
I'm sorry for your loss, however anyone would be blessed to be immortalized the way that you have done here.
Nice concept! I would like to see this expanded a bit more. You take such a definite metaphor, but leave it based in generalities. Use examples; describe an incident in your life in which people looked down on you. I love the use of the word "kafuffle". Not something I would have thought of at all.
Also, if I were you I think I'd play up the sister is a baboon thing by perhaps drawing an analogy to her primping herself in the morning to picking at bugs. :D Might get a laugh out of most, but a punch out of the sister though. :D
The other thing I feel is that the introductory paragraph just doesn't have the same power as the rest of the piece. The first two sentences are good, but then the paragraph sort of flounders around till you get to paragraph two. Just an observation. :D
Overall, nicely done. The piece has definite potential. You might even want to consider doing a series on this subject. Perhaps write a poem, play, short story, drama etc . . . all different forms of literature based on the same idea. It might be fun to play with styles that way. :D
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