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4 Public Reviews Given
4 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Our Moment  
Review by Banana~Neptune
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Overall Effect:

Between the battling dualities of love and the protagonist's internal conflict, I think the foundation is here for a powerful narrative. I want to know more about the characters' histories. Leaving the reader hungry for more is a feat in and of itself.

Suggestions:

That the nature of love is to persist even though we are or feel undeserving strikes me as the driving theme here. It might be more powerful to flesh this story out with a compelling example of love triumphing over imperfection.

"I still cannot believe why one as radiant as you would want to be here with someone as wretched as I."

Going further to say, perhaps, " I still cannot believe why one as radiant as you would want to be here with someone as wretched as I--someone who kills without remorse" or "someone who slept with your sister" or what have you, would make the reader feel the conflict and angst on a much deeper level. Wow, this guy/gal is terrible, we'd say. How could anyone love him/her?

Whether or not you would want to complete this picture with some redeeming quality or rationale for love persisting in this situation would be up to you. I could see artistic merit either way.

Any who, just a suggestion that I hope might be helpful. :)
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Review of Life From Death  
Review by Banana~Neptune
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Overall Effect:

The juxtaposition of happy memories with calamity throws Jassarra's pain into sharp relief. The act of intended suicide propels the story forward as the reader anxiously seeks to discover her final choice or the success of this act. Effective use of detail and compelling, vivid language paint a very evocative picture.

Suggestions:

While I can follow the arc of this piece from despair through destruction to hope, it feels as though something is missing in the transformation. Where or what is the catalyst that turns it around for Jasarra? What generates and drives the hope? Also, how is it that she wakes up healed? If the scar symbolizes metaphorical healing, that could be interesting. Otherwise, this "magical" element that speeds both the passage of time and physical/emotional restitution feels like it might require a bit more introduction or explanation.
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