> > Any comments given are what I felt as I read, rather than my opinion of what you chose to write. I rarely review poems or personal writings. Feel free to let me know your thoughts
This is a very well put together essay on trees. I'll bet your teacher was delighted with it.
I liked:
The layout. Everything was headed and easy to find.
There were no spelling errors.
It was usually easy to understand, and what you had to say was researched first.
You presented it all with feeling, and yet some consideration for industry.
Some edits for you to consider
Introduction - paragraph 2: I think you should make it quite clear you mean animals being dependent on the trees, as you start by saying they are a great gift to mankind, and end by saying humans use every type of tree.
You said: [Now imagine a world with millions of more trees than what we have at present.]
SUGGESTION ONLY: Imagine millions of extra trees. What would that be like?
You said: [Trees help to prevent destruction of the fertility of soil as well as stop soil erosion, particularly on slopes and mountains.]
SUGGESTION ONLY: Trees help to stop soil erosion, and help with soil fertility, particularly on slopes and mountains.
You said: [Most people do not realise the benefits they can get by growing trees. See the paragraph on usefulness of trees above. Imagine a farmer who needs supplemental income from the farm. Why, he can grow some commercially useful trees such as fruit-bearing ones or trees with hard wood such as teak or walnut. Professional farming is known as "silviculture". Imagine a corporate HQ that has no trees. Would a visitor be impressed or annoyed when he saw this? Just think how many weary travellers would be benefitted by the stategic placement of shelters covered by large canopies of trees? Just think about it and decide yourself.] - Are you putting your point across here? I had to read this again to get a feel for it. Could it be sharpened?
SUGGESTION ONLY: Do people realise the benefit of growing trees? Farmers can grow them to supplement income, by selling fruit or wood. Such professional growing is known as 'silviculture'.
Even corporate HQ's can benefit from strategic tree planting. The trees provide shelter and a sense of wellbeing to the weary traveller. See the paragraph on ‘usefulness of trees’.
All in all I liked this very much. My suggestions are just that, suggestions only.
> > let me know your thoughts so I can keep it, or make it so!
Here is my review of your story. Overall I thought it was enchanting.
I liked:
You have an original and refreshing approach to writing. I like the way you introduce alien concepts with no attempt to describe them whatsoever, and yet somehow you make them come to life in the mind's eye -eg. 'indent', 'ball nest', 'skitterwisp'.
I also liked the way you left what description of this world you put across until the end of your story. This gave your tale a magical surprise to finish on.
I didn't like: The name Katie. It was too down to Earth. Why would an alien planet use names from our world? If there is a reason for this I feel it should be given not left to the imagination of readers, as they will loose part of the web of enchantment you weave.
"Why did you leave?" she said, more shy than she usually is. - Before the comma there is no problem with this, but after the comma it fails to connect with readers, or at least with this reader. It feels intrusive; the author's voice is taking control of the character. SUGGESTION ONLY: "Why did you leave?" she said. There was a nervous edge to her voice. She seemed shy; much more so than usual.
There we see a large misshapen man, A Sky-Man, getting out of a larger shiny ball. - The terms 'sky man' and 'shiny ball' both seem a bit cliche'd and unoriginal when introduced in this way.
Some edits:
But for now, I must live. - For now I must live. -
Still she could see me now, and there isn't anywhere for me to hide in this settlement, so I have to face the wrath of my love. - Still, she can see me now -
I leave to hunt for game before anyone could see me, and I would have to deal with my problems. - sentence unclear; the problems need teasing out more to make them come to life - past and present tense confused -
> > let me know your thoughts so I can keep it, or make it so!
I liked
After dinner, I retire to my room upstairs. The room has been maintained well and most of the things from my past are still there. Books that I own are neatly stacked up in the chronological order of purchase. The stack starts with Enid Blyton, moves on to the likes of Robert Ludlum and then Marquez, Grass, Rand, etc. The last book I read was ‘Crime and Punishment’. - nicely written paragraphs of which this is an example, but it does not by any means stand alone. Each sentence has something to say and everything comes directly from the participant, rather than through the author. The result is a collection of sharply defined pictures describing his journey and arrival. -
I didn't like
I lay in bed in semi-darkness, staring at the dangling rope. The trance breaks and I glance at my trophy cupboard. I was exceedingly happy during my childhood. Each one of those trophies was won incidentally, in the process of doing something that I enjoyed. My unusually happy childhood was followed by a relatively blemish-free teenage period. I’ve been spoiled by too much of a good thing. The reality of adulthood is a burden on my unprepared shoulders.
Now, I leave in peace – let the blame be placed squarely on the noose. Forgive me, all.
-I thought the story as a whole lost some of the good work and precision gained by the paragraphs and sentences. This ending for instance comes out of nowhere. We know nothing of his life as an adult and this makes it difficult to relate to his suicide? His teenage years and childhood by contrast are described quite well. What do you think? -
> > let me know your thoughts so I can keep it, or make it so!
Here is my review of your story. I am a writer like yourself, not an editor.
I liked:
The story and the imagery. You captured the feeling of the forest. I was able to imagine where you were leading us quite well.
I didn’t like:
The point of view and the confusion; there seems to be a lot of it. For example: when the rider bursts into the clearing. Why are we not with this rider, rather than being led along by the narrator, who seems confused as to whether the rider is in prayer or anger? Why is the rider not given a name at this point with the reader inside his head, sensing his prayer, sensing his anger?
I think the assassins need to be given some reason for being there, even if you wish to build on this in later chapters. As they are portrayed they come across to me as padding.
Edit:
“The stars shone brightly but aloof in the sky, illuminating little of Darkham forest. The stark trees reached up imploringly, begging for their secrets to be revealed. But this night, there was no answer to their silent cry. The peaceful sounds of the slumbering woods were broken by the thunder of hoof beats; the nightjars fell silent, the crickets stilled their legs, the frogs stopped in mid croak.” (Darkham Forest ) -
SUGGESTIONS ONLY -(– as if begging for – but there was no answer – the peace of the wood was broken” – I feel you use too many words which lead nowhere of importance. Any word ending in ‘ly’ needs to be scrutinised before use. They can often be reworded and replaced by direct verbs, which will give a much sharper edge to your writing).
“Over a stream, through a small vale and out of the forest.” (not a sentence)
“Dark despair hit him then, that the lives of his men had been bought so cheaply.” (hit him; the lives)
He would not shrink from this, he would uphold his family’s honour and fight to his last breath (from this; he)
I hope this is of use to you. Your story shows promise to me. I wish you well with it.
> > let me know your thoughts so I can keep it, or make it so!
I gave this four. It is clearly a fragment from a longer story. This makes it difficult to assess, but four seems about right.
I liked:
In such a short extract, which constantly relates to external episodes it's difficult to say.
I disliked:
In such a short extract, which constantly relates to external episodes it's difficult to be sure.
Edit:
"[The wind blew, causing Zena to shiver in her fur slightly. She could hear the screams, the crunch of bone, smell the scent of blood.]" (the first sentence here feels a bit awkward. SUGGESTION ONLY: I think a rejig leaving out the words 'causing' and 'slightly', would improve it.)
"[He won't hurt me again, she thought. And this one will never hurt another person again!]" (try leaving out the word 'And' - also what do you mean by person here? Who are the people, and who are not. You need to be very clear. Of course, perhaps Zena considers herself as a person. Earlier you did suggest a wide mix of races. Are all these considered as people?)
> let me know your thoughts so I can keep it, or make it so!
The story relates to creation, as told in the Bible, and to overpopulation. Here is my review.
I liked:
The whole concept. In such a short tale you cover much, and you do it very well. Your narration has a human feel to it, which transcends the somewhat stifled 'grand tale' you present, but then comes back to it giving it vibrance, and clout.
I didn't like:
Not much to say here. Perhaps its a bit confusing in places, but it all makes perfect sense come the end.
Edit:
"[Materializing, Tanis whips her thousand arms across at Eulidos; the echoes ensue within his skull for the eons that are a moment. “Quit shak’n the heav’ns, you nit!” Tanis pauses. “A’sides, hand makin’ planets ain’t nothin. I hand craf’ed my own planet not on’y a week ago. Less than ten days n’ it was done.” Near the end of Tanis’ tremendous boast she vaporizes, yet her voice lingers to finish her words before it too follows suit, fading.]" (No problem with the first sentence here, but I think all the rest needs to be rejigged and presented with more clarity)
let me know your thoughts so I can keep it, or make it so!
1st PARAGRAPH: (-0.5)
What you have in this para is generally good, in my eyes, but the 1st para is an advert for what is to come. Could you lay it out better?
SUGGESTION ONLY:
We had been so happy, mom and me, like best friends; a real life Gilmore Girls. Now pictures of us mock me from the dresser – two blondes with bright eyes. Not like my eyes now, staring at the hands on the clock as they pass five minutes to midnight. My memories of random road trips etc, etc – they are all I have left now.
Okay, so it's not brilliant, but it is sharp and to the point.
DELIVERY (-0.75)
In places you deliver well. There are telling scenes to hint of school life and the way this has been affected by your mother’s decline. I think you need to work on these far more. Delete all unnecessary words. Once you have said something check to see it is crisp and clear, then never repeat it again. We know about it already. Going back over things will bore your readers.
Don’t keep telling us the time, unless the time is important to your story.
SUGESTION ONLY
Why don’t you start with her being in bed in the strange house; then she can remember the other details gradually throughout the chapter? In this way you will introduce mystery into your narrative, for both the character and the reader.
EDIT (-1)
Bar-b que – barbecue
Delete all spaces before punctuation marks. Example: - comma, not comma , -
. . . waitressing. Mostly jobs that paid under the table. – waitressing is not a word, although it does fit in here quite well - ; most of my jobs pay under the table. –
What does Silke mean? You need to be specific. I have no idea.
Make sure all proper names have capital letters.
applaude – applaud –
. . . convinced of my soul decending – descending –
. . . Laurens yard on Laguna beach and the entrance to the Magic Kingdon. - Laguna Beach – Magic Kingdom –
. . . , Dad is gonna be so glad your finally awake. – you’re –
Dad said the ancestorial planet took a toll on you.- Ancestral –
I give a fake laugh, ok what I figured from my “brother” is that I must be the only female living in this house and my so-called father parasails while his daughter is sick. Not much to go on. – watch your tense (either give and figure, or gave and figured) –
SUGGESTION ONLY
.. . in this house, and I have a ‘so called father who is parasailing whilst I am sick; not much to go on. – (you need to do this sort of thing throughout the whole document) This is just a first draft were mistakes do occur, although you have rather a lot of them. With work you could make this really good. There is some substance here if you dig it out and jig it around.
I suggest introducing paragraph spaces to make this easier to read. I also suggest going through it all to delete as many of the words 'that' as you can. Most times they can be removed without upsetting what you are saying, and removing them will make your sentences sharper.
let me know your thoughts so I can keep it, or make it so!
READER INVOLVEMENT (-0)
This was absorbing all the way through. Can't fault it.
EDIT: (-0.5)
"He was the first boy her age that she didn't want to drag her fist across his face at one time or another."
SUGGESTION ONLY: - her age she didn't long to fist -
"Sarah heard him shout out to her mother." - Sarah heard him shout. - (Isn't 'her mother' obvious here?)
let me know your thoughts so I can keep it, or make it so!
MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: (-0.25) I thought this covered everything you laid out extremely well. It had passion and compassion, and a power of conviction that kept me reading to the end. There were bits that I found difficult to read though e.g:
"Addicts quickly forget that lack of self-control is the same as the hole in the road we didn't go around, forgot to ask for help, or simply changed directions. We plunge ahead, with our oversized ego, our magical wand in charge and fall in. That hole is the same mirage; full of false promises, including the "bottom" that brought us to treatment." - Why do you change tense so often? - are you saying an addict's lack of self control comes from the hole they once didn't step around? -
EDIT: (-0,75)
"I tried to call him several times without luck." - should there be a comma here: (times, without. . .) not sure?
"After reliving memories, I then asked about his current life. He had remarried after rehabilitation to a woman in recovery. He wasn’t able to see his children because of his jail sentence. When he was released, he discovered Donna had left the state and taken the children. He had lost his pharmacist license and couldn't find a job. He owed back child support from another marriage and now he was homeless." - Why is Donna's name not mentioned in the first sentence here, if this is Donna? As it is written Donna is a floating entity, and what about Sharon? I found this somewhat confusing. -
OVERALL (-1.25) Your descriptions are very good, and you write well. I could picture the house, the van, the drive and the people. Perhaps your delivery is over-wordy. At times you seem to repeat what you have already said, slowing the pace of your writing. An example of this is given in my EDIT.
To my mind having two separate POV's was a mistake, and as the first one was entirely descriptive, I wonder why it is there at all. Taking away the first POV and merging all the descriptions from it into the lady's POV would, in my view, have made this far sharper, and would have enhanced her feelings of rage too.
EDIT: (0.25) No actual errors noticed, but why is the 'same boy' mentioned twice here when 'him' would suffice for the second. Any repeats like this need to be ironed out. People don't want to read what they already know: -
"(Another had the same boy in a cowboy outfit at a Halloween party. Still another showed the same boy smiling, with his dad, as they rowed a canoe down a bustling stream.)"
OVERALL: (-0) What a smashing children's poem - a Snippensniffersmack looking for zops, what could possibly be better? The poem constantly introduces a young audience to an ever more bazaar picture. All that's missing is where this takes place, as if that matters.
PRESENTATION: (-0.5) Line spaces are needed to break up the body of text. If possible pictures, colours and others symbols would enhance this. Generally a solid block of writing spoils what you have achieved here.
EDIT: (-0) No edit suggestions.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bookgrahamup
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.28 seconds at 12:29pm on May 09, 2024 via server web2.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
