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10 Public Reviews Given
10 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I will be honest and helpful in the "build-break-build" mindset. I will summarize what I like about your story, point out what you could do better if it applies, and leave you with a list of actions of what you can do to make your story better.
I'm good at...
I'm good at reviewing content. What I will be asking myself is: Is there a believable story, are the characters well developed, what characters I like most/least and why, and I did I feel when reading your story. I will only get into grammar and sentence structure if there are big or ongoing issues, but not into great detail as that is my weak point.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Drama, Fantasy, Humor, Realistic Fiction
Least Favorite Genres
Historical, Political
Favorite Item Types
Anime, Diablo/Demons, Warcraft/Military, Anything with zombies
Least Favorite Item Types
Plays
I will not review...
I won’t review anything involving the outwardly use racism, hatred, and vivid types of abuse for the sake of shock value.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Bourguit
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Ben,

Thanks for sharing your Chapter: Unbound Words. I can tell you have a real love for Fantasy in this chapter and that’s good. As a reader, I appreciate that.

To the minor stuff with editing: I think there were a few capitalization errors here and there, comma use versus semicolon - a second read will fix that. And check with an editor on the use of quotes and italics for Kenton’s thoughts, to see if it is being used correctly. But that’s it, like I said, minor.

Imagery: You can “paint the picture” as I’m always told. You did well in the carriage, ex. “…his pen murdered yet another page.” But there were other places I was expecting the same level of detail; ex. “The courtyard entrance was gorgeous with flowers of every color you could imagine.”

Telling the actual selection and color scheme helps give the reader an idea that will build imagery of the season or the area better; get the reader hooked.

Another thing is POV; ex. “The gates are something to behold, they look to be made of dark seamless wood.” I didn’t feel Kenton’s impression, so maybe be sensitive to that.

Story: This story made me think of Harry Potter, magic being used for the common world or daily purposes. I like that.

But the letters need to go. I once had the same idea of having a letters in a book that the reader could read, the idea of showing what the character’s interest is or the mindset is was the direction I was going for. But I never got a good response for having it.

You want the reader to get familiar with Kenton. A letter can be summarized through dialogue with or internal dialogue. How does he react to it? How does his demeanor change?

Use the space to makes things humorous or playful. Kenton can ask for warning as he changes in the carriage and gets it, grumbling in incomplete swears as he hits his head. The drivers respond on with, “Sorry, sir.”

Another example, you have this dialogue with runner boy, maybe he just tells him the news. Keep the payment verbiage, I like that you have an economy scale, but spice of the dialogue; ex. Kenton tries to impress the boy with a magic trick with the coin, only for the boy to show him a better coin trick and that he’s no simple child to be amused by parlor tricks. You see the difference? It makes an impression on the reader about Kenton’s personality but it also speaks to the town’s level of knowledge of magic. Again, get the reader more involved.

The rest of the story is too easy to get lost with the additional people and details. I would have like to see more personal interplay, maybe Kenton getting situated during a long tour. Consider building up to the meeting and have it in the next chapter, because there are too many little things you are just passing by: the beautiful castle (How big, tall, old, battle scars?), there’s a magical door (Whispers as he passes by it? Is he tempted by it? Does he slow down when walking by it?), beautiful woman to meet (Is there no other beautiful around winking at him? Laughing at him?), and so on.

There’s so much potential, but you have to sell the main character before anything. Make the reader know they are going to be entertained and have many things to look forward to in Chapter 2 and so on. You got this.

- Bourguit
2
2
Review of Soul Broker  
Review by Bourguit
Rated: E | (3.0)
My review of Soul Broker

Hi Sam. This story has potential; it’s just a meal that’s cooked too quickly. It will get better if you take your time with it, model against the Constantine comics/Supernatural/Mean girls. Just read on, you’ll see what I mean.

But real quick, the editing/writing choice: Capital letters in odd places on purpose? Ex. “Ah, the sweet curse of being Different.” Consider different way to show impact. Also, consider cutting the spacing of sentences or words, sometimes the better option is keep one clean paragraph if the story flow is the same; might actually help.

Back to the story, what chapter is this, because the passage of time moves on too quickly? And who’s Travis talking to? Hook people into the story. Ex. “Here is my story.” Vs “Here is my story, Father.” Be clear and consistent with point of view.

Next point, I think you go too quickly in describing the pains Travis of having no soul and then you go into better detail towards the end in the church. There’s no such you can talk about. Money, society pressures, and personal demons that make people do crazy things and allow people to live with their choices.

This guy worried about the class right? Why isn’t he driving everywhere in a Bugatti? Where’s his Mean Girls revenge pay back? He’s talked about his concerns about class weighing more than his soul, which tells me (the reader) that he’s shallow, so I was expecting to see it.
Except for the very end, I don’t get a sense of his personality. There’s no drunken stupor, singing sad modern songs (ex. Coldplay) as he looks at happy couples or mean couples making fun of him because of how he looks (Again, people don’t have to sell their souls to be cruel).
Another point, consider his level of loneliness. He has money, so he could be in the company of fake people, gold diggers, loose women, etc. If he’s so lonely, he’d seek the attention of anyone; which would better explain the need to go to the church.

Because otherwise, how has he not already tried online gaming, chatting, traveled the world, eaten every food and snack in the world, etc. So, you need to justify why the deal is really that bad in day-to-day life. Ex. Is the mob after him because of losing money? Nightmares reminding him in the end he’s doomed? Explain why not having a soul is a bad thing. (Constantine comics/Supernatural)

Maybe a lot of this is covered in the other chapters, but an isolated sample chapter should be able to stand alone. But at the end, I don’t know what the “solution is” and I don’t feel sorry for this guy. And I get it that you want to get to the chills or the ah-ha moment, but build to it otherwise the reader will lose interest or will be too confused and won’t keep reading because they don’t understanding what’s happening.

I hope this review helps, let me know if you have questions. Otherwise, keep on writing!

- Bourguit
3
3
Review by Bourguit
Rated: E | (4.0)
The Lighthouse of You – review

This is a short but sweet poem. The lighthouse imagery flows well through the poem and it’s open to many fun interpretations, so that’s cool within itself.

At the same time, I would still like to “know” the message or story. I was looking for the “motivation” of this story to show itself; ex. lost love found. Again, loving the imagery, but I only wished I saw more of a human element or love story. But that’s just me; I struggle with poems and short stories because I love details.

But expect that from several readers, because when a story is labeled under “relationship/romance”, that’s what they are looking for; ex. Boy sees girl, boy crushes on girl, boy does something or nothing about it, and lives with decisions.

Not to go on a rant, but to me, love has a magic effect on stories, so go all out with it (In my opinion). Can you give these characters meaningful names? You can look through books and websites that list names with meanings that can help answer questions about time, place, and heritage. The right name can tell the reader about a character’s whole identity.

Do they have a back history? Is there something you could build on with the lighthouse? Ex. Would it is possible if this poem was in a criminal’s mindset in a jailhouse and the only view the criminal has is seeing this beautiful person by a nearby lighthouse. Doing that paints a picture of his physical prison limiting action, but also explains the need for this person by the lighthouse to escape a mental prison. Think about it.

Everything else, clothes and etc, could be added for flavor but it’s not necessary if space is a concern.
In summary, this poem is solid. A clearer link between the imagery and an overall story would hook more people, but otherwise, good job.

- Bourguit


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
4
4
Review of The Stone  
Review by Bourguit
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I didn't know what to think initially, but then I started to "get it" reading on. To the point where I had "dramatic music" in my head, but that's just me getting into the reading....and not a tumor I hope...lol (Forgive the bad jokes, just had chocolate).

The pacing picks up towards the end and you left me with a solid line. Nice.

- Bourguit
5
5
Review of A Whistling Wind  
Review by Bourguit
Rated: E | (5.0)
I’m in love with your writing, very gripping. I was so hooked by the first paragraph, I had to so say wait let me read that again and turn on my editing brain - that’s a good thing.

The feel and tone is captured perfectly with your choice of words. I just wanted to read more by the end. So write more!!! lol

Well done.

- Bourguit
6
6
Review of Midnight Santa  
Review by Bourguit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Review of “Midnight Santa” By Bourguit

I love emotional stories and there are moments in your story when I want to listen to emotional music when reading it. That’s good; you want your reader to be in the moment with your main character. But I was thrown off by how you tied your characters’ back stories together to make it a love lost and re-found relationship story.

Meaning I felt the story went out of order, switching tone and atmosphere. So, I lost reading momentum. I understand that having a lot of ideas to balance out in a story is always a hard thing to do. And I like that you have many ideas to hook the reader; it shows you’re really invested in this story and really creative.

But if you keep Callie’s point of view in a constant tone (Either present tense with character voice vs. past tense with narrative voice) it keeps the reader in the moment, even during flashbacks, Callie is reacting someway. And clearly explain the world she’s in; ex. the time of day, what a two story Cape Cod is, etc.

It speaks to pacing. I think you need to slow down your pacing, make the reader live in the moment more with gradual changes. Like with the verbiage with the dizzy spells, that’s good stuff, use it more. Mention that Callie doesn’t like thinking about it but the memories come up anyways. Maybe she can be wrapped up snuggled in James’ sweater, grabs it tighter at the thought of him. Sappy, yes, but impactful; it’s an “aw” moment.

Maybe she can use a photo album. It serves the purpose of showing how much she misses her husband but it helps describe them both; ex. She says, “Look at this Grey. I can’t believe his black hair was that short during our wedding. And oh my Gosh, look at mine. I look like I’ wearing a beehive on my head.”

So, Callie’s emotion and character motivation growth needs to be shown more. You can’t have moments where Callie just “got over” her loss in the barn without more build up or creating enough emotional reference to that decision. So, consider making this a survivor’s story, not a relationship story. So going back to her being in tears and decision in the barn, but I needed to see more of her emotional journey to make it more believable.

Ex. If Callie is close to the window in beginning, show us that her breath is fogging up the window and she makes a smiley face that reminds her of him. Or maybe have her make more comments to Grey like, “I still can’t move on, it takes me thirty minutes in the morning to get out of bed after looking at his picture.”

My advice is to have Callie and Grey in the story only, with Callie recalling moments about James. It’ll make the story tighter and smoother on her journey. And have her get over James through a burning ritual, something that should symbolize getting over her loss. Like she burns the pictures of her husband outside to let the smoke and memories of her husband go to heaven – something meaningful.

Ex. As Callie sits in her darkest hour, she looks at a past Christmas picture that gives her hope (Something that says the husband would want her to move on) and she decides to have burning ritual outside. She gradually is filled with a sense of peace (You can use the same snow verbiage) and starts making a snowman outside as Grey running around her (Have that it’s been snowing for awhile). She wins a snowball fight with a neighbor’s kids who have been playing outside for awhile. She raises her arms in victory as she watches them run away in defeat. She then gets tackled by Grey and laughs. Grey is her midnight Santa, bringing her cheer.

If you go with the angle, then delete the “Twelve Years Ago” verbiage and focus on the word count on the building a background on the husband relationship. Again, there’s nothing wrong with your ending, I just felt it was a nice way to end a first chapter of a book that would lead into another, not to end a short story.

No matter the direction you choose, make the story more emotional, impactful, and leave on a solid note; let me know if you want me to clarify my points after you read them. Also, let me know if you like me to reread the revised version, I am interested in the direction you’ll take.

Here are some songs I was listening to help set the mood I was talking about. Maybe they’ll inspire you:
•1-Hour Epic Music/Epic Emotional Music Vol. 3 (Listen at 37:52 and 49:34) (Emotional, Uplifting – the end theme song as I call it)
•Cheryl Crow – I shall believe (Emotional)
•The Black Keys – Things ain’t like they use to be (Emotional)
•Radiohead – No surprises (Emotional)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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