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26
26
Review of The Last Painting  
Review by brian a
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Ronald,

Good story in the `Final Destination’ range, except the intended victim is a painting, that wasn’t destroyed. I think the idea behind the story is fine and overall your story is effective.

Some notes:

`He sighed a bit.’ – you use this `sighed a bit’ several times. This is an unquantifiable thing for the reader – just `sighed’ is sufficient. Also - `smiled a bit,’ – just `smiled’.

`He looked his grand age of sixty-four and didn’t hide it. He has deep wrinkles implanted into his face and his eyes were dull, his movements old and rickety. Fragile.’ – 64 isn’t that old – you wouldn’t say `grand old age’ unless being facetious. I am 58 and have nowhere the level of decrepitude you describe. `He has deep winkles implanted into his face’ – sounds like he had it done by a plastic surgeon. `Deep wrinkles were worn into his face’ – maybe.

`...sipped it (lightly) – also unquantifiable and unnecessary – suggest you have a look at your adverb use with a view to eliminating some.

`...looked at his father with slight sympathy.’ – suggest he can’t look with `slight sympathy’ – maybe `He had slight sympathy for his father.’

`He looked exhausted. Absolutely exhausted.’ – suggest this `second thinking’ be eliminated. `Be direct and simple - `he looked absolutely exhausted’

`Carlos blinked again’ – suggest omit or consign another action.

`His father smiled and clinked their glasses together. They both downed their glasses.’ – this could be combined into one sentence. Try and avoid repetition of an object in subsequent sentences – here it is glasses. In other places it is the painting. You have the father or Carlos looking/glancing/staring at painting, and then the other character do the same thing in the next sentence. i.e. `glancing back up at the painting. His father stared for a moment at the painting’. It sets up an unfortunate rhythm in the flow of the sentences.

The story relies on the fact that Carlos doesn’t reveal the purchaser of the painting to his father – which may be considered unusual to the reader as the buyer has said he knew his father. Also that the address is undisclosed to his father. You may wish to insert a distraction for Carlos at a particular time that prevents this information being imparted.

Hope above comments help. Good luck with this story.

All the best Brian.
27
27
Review of Hunting  
Review by brian a
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Jason,

This is very well done. To my inexpert eyes there was little to fault. The pacing is good, as is the setting up and the characterisation. Mary is well drawn as is Pate, the old man Hillis. The dialogue was also fine and apt. Mary’s internal considerations I thought were well-suited and though verging on obsessive okay. Personally, I would not have sold the teacher as quite so much of a sexually motivated person – her references to other boys indicates the pure sexual nature of her interest. But this is up to you as it is your character, your story. The piece reads smooth. There are a couple of things I thought might concern you.

In the first paragraph you have Mary put her book down, and at the end of the paragraph you describe the countryside (quite well) - `The pastures outside were still, and the moonless night hung over the countryside, heavy and numbing.’ However, the next paragraph begins with `Mary glanced outside’. This I found disturbing, because it means someone other than Mary has observed the exterior – whereas I was already prepared to be sold on the character’s pov. My suggestion would be to incorporate and have Mary look out the window and have the exterior description be hers.

`...assigned it.’ – following this Wuthering Heights referred to as `it’ another seven times in paragraph – suggest use alternatives e.g. book, story – seek to eliminate some.

`...finished it, (so she) and stood up to go to the kitchen.’ - `so’ betrays author presence.

`....song) in the hallway and swore with (a) gusto.’ – suggest replace ellipsis with commas – works as subordinate anyway. Believe `with gusto’ is the accepted use.

`His face fell.
"But do you have your phone?" She blurted.’ – considered that he might pull his phone out and say something like `And my batteries dead.’ – rather than have her make the suggestion on the off-chance (eager though she may be – you have certainly painted her as rapacious). At this point you have him slated as `the innocent’ – but I don’t think this would be disturbed.

Like I said well-done. Good luck with this.

Regards Brian
28
28
Review by brian a
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi T,

This was a mysterious piece in more ways than one. `The man’ the major character drives a Shelby and calls English football Soccer, so are we to assume he is American? And what significance would this have? Nearly everyone, or rather possibly everyone in the story is unnamed or anonymous, but I am not sure why. Giving `the man’ a name would help the reader associate with him and his fate, even if a little. Also this would help with the reading of sections such as description of the car accident and `the man’s friend’. It is a trifle confusing.

`As he was pulling his dark red Shelby into his long, cobblestone driveway,...’ & next sentence - `While he climbed out of his car, beginning the search for his house key,’ – both sentences end with reference to what he hears, nothing else. One moment he is pulling into a `long’ driveway’ and seconds later (from reader pov) he is stepping out of car.

The process of entering and settling in the house seemed laboured and overladen with particular detail, perhaps designed to convey the wealth of the character (no intimation why this would be important). E.g. `He finally arrived at, and opened, the large, wooden door, ornamented with a brilliant arching window and a gilded doorknob.’ – suggest try and avoid use of adverbs, especially `finally’ (which here has little meaning, but to convey the presence of story teller) i.e. finally, after what? Following this there are a number of references to materials `leather shoes’ `leather sofa’ – there is also a description of the coat stand. Suggest be more direct, and minimise description unless elemental in progress of the story.

From the beginning you seem to have been concerned with cultivating an atmosphere. The description of the changing to night air was good; there is the air of peace and normalcy. But it is foreshadowed by `nothing seemed suspect’. This would appear to pre-empt the story i.e., it is the author telling the reader that something will happen. It may be related to the primary character’s thought process (he is on the lookout i.e. a spy/agent?).
To me there is a problem with connection. The story is short and sections dealing with defence lawyer friend and his self harm tendency when things don’t go his way, the stranger’s story etc attract attention through prominence and the reader seeks some connection. Now it may be that the Constable Williams is `Nicolai’ to whom the note is addressed, though that is not certain – nor indeed does the wording of the note give any clue to understanding how the story might be understood – connected up.

Some notes:

`he asked (the intruder in an inquiring tone.’) The intruder is the only other person there, and he is asking a question, so suggest omit.

`Leave my presence before I notify the constable’ – this dialogue from the man and the following from him sound a bit formal. `“If it is not satisfactory, I will notify the constable. Explain yourself.’ – there is an unfortunate tone of `petulance’. As opposed to say `It better be good, or I’m calling the constable.’ – suggest something simpler.

The note is under a mahogany box and assuming that Nicolai is Williams then it relies upon him being diligent in his search for clues. As a location for a clue for a crime where a man has had his head blown off under this box seems remote. Unless the person who placed the bomb knew that by Williams previous meticulous behaviour he would check under the box, is not supported i.e. there is no mention of this trait. That the intruder, if it was him who set the bomb (there is no certainty), knew that of all the constables in Oxford, Williams would attend the scene of the crime, also is unsupported. `The man’ is clearly not the chief target of the intruder, unless by his death causes misery in another upon whom the intruder intends revenge, but I can’t work out who that might be.

Like I said in the beginning it is a mysterious story and though action flows smoothly and it is largely well written the parts seem disconnected and in the end there is no resolution to pull them together.

Hope I helped somehow.

All the best, Brian
29
29
Review of The Web of Life  
Review by brian a
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi E. l. Louie,

I thought this was a very well written piece. The letter or note becomes a pivot point around which the mystery and revelations stem. The dialogue was also good and sound and the characters developed satisfactorily (for reader). I found myself liking the main character/narrator – and the order and normalcy her life presents i.e. university mom and dad, meeting grandfather (though reader’s antennae pricked a little at first meeting at 9). You have kept description to relevance to the story which is good. Grammatically I couldn’t find fault.

Some notes:

`An uneasy sense of knowing washed over me with its seizing presence.’ – at first reading I passed over this, but it is one of the first sentences and I am not sure what it means. `uneasy sense of knowing’ – just knowing? Knowing what? Like there is the fear or dread of the unknown. But if there is a sense of knowing – it must be something, otherwise it is not known. And it has a `seizing presence’. So this `sense of knowing’ – perhaps of being aware of knowing something, but not knowing what that thing is, has grabbed her and remains with her. Now this may be an attempt to foster a connection with the latter part of the story, and the note etc, but honestly I thought in this case it was unnecessary and vague foreshadowing, perhaps patently purposeful. She seeks the note immediately she awakes and is motivated by this feeling we are lead to believe – so you do need something to get her to open that draw and seek the comfort of note. Maybe she could awake from a dream where there have been intimations.

`“Yes, I did Tillea.” I replied. ‘I haven’t read any of them”, I thought with some satisfaction.’ – bit of confusion `I haven’t...’ etc in double quotes so could be speech, but attribution indicates otherwise `I thought...’ – suggest enclose I haven’t ‘ etc in single quotes, perhaps italics, or close dialogue at `...them.” and omit attribution.

`...my mom reminds me constantly that dating a superior is not a wise choice...’ – thought this was an excellent inclusion – builds irony perhaps.

“Why didn’t you use your key?” (I continued.) – suggest omit – doesn’t add anything and interrupts flow.

`get dress’ – this may be a particular part of dialect where characters come from. I usually expect `dressed’.

It is an interesting twist near the end. We have passed through her father’s death and mother’s hospitalization quickly (perhaps too quickly – for purpose of moving on story) and it is in the beginnings of revelation by the grandfather (presumably he has a connection to the note – the author) – but also there is the hint of another mystery to be revealed which involves the narrator. This is intriguing for me – and I have been spinning scenarios in my head to no avail, so to me this means the story has development potential. There is no real resolution at the moment, I am sure you know this. But can the narrator, really be the grandfather’s daughter with this mystery student from his past, and it is not her real mom and dad who have been in the accident?

I suppose it depends where you want to go with this story – it could go much deeper still and more complicated. If you plan a longer piece I would consider expanding mother/father incident – perhaps with her at the funeral or visiting mother in hospital as a scene (primarily because they are major players in her life and feels wrong if they are treated too dismissively) if you know what I mean.

I enjoyed reading your story and it is good as it stands (with a resolved ending). But like I said I think it has potential for an even more interesting piece. Good luck with it.

Regards Brian
30
30
Review of A Bitter Blessing  
Review by brian a
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi pitbull

This was a really good story with a Tom Sawyer sort of feel, as it was written in the first person vernacular. The story narrated is of the experiences of a twelve year old girl of a particular Easter Sunday and the repercussions. I suppose the difficulty is estimating the age of the narrator who is relating events. She came across to me as only slightly older – say maybe 15. There seems to be an immaturity in her language. As a suggestion – maybe you could give an indication of this e.g. `Five years ago now,...’.

We know that the story is that of a twelve year old, but the story is in the past tense. There were a couple of times where you slipped into present tense

`Ever since we stood up to sing,’ – suggest `we’d’

`...out of (these) those crampy pink torture devices. Then I wanted to get out of (this) the pink puke dress that was sweaty and itching now.’ - `now’ is a maybe for me. I can see it in her language use.

`...Mam (had) flew...’ – don’t think will upset her language and makes active voice.

The whole pitch of the story is fine and I like the sombre heartfelt ending, but to me it is of someone who is not much older than the 12 yo experiencing events, which is why I suggested giving some idea of narrators age, or alternatively introduce the piece with less or no reference to memory (at the moment has the feel of `harking back’). You could start `I was twelve...’ – directly into experience.

Theme:

I’m all for religions being persecuted, or prosecuted, so being critical will get no argument from me. My father’s parents were strict Baptists. They had something against toothpaste, so all his teeth fell out, and every time there was a storm she made the kids hide under the kitchen table. Perhaps it is the sin of `pride’ that the girl’s mother is guilty of.
To take the angle of a child’s torment in these restrictions is a brilliant idea because nothing contrasts so well as the natural vivacity of children and their lust for life without restrictions. To be stuck in a church, stuffed into uncomfortable hot clothes and have to listen to a lot of tripe while you watch others play is an exquisitely unbearable scenario – and you portrayed it extremely well.

Characters:

The characters were painted `in the milieu’ – a community of idiosyncratic people which surround the main character. The mother was portrayed by her severe attitude and looks she gives her daughter, the preacher by his actions in the church trying to overcome exterior distractions/opposition of belief. The Reverend’s wife by her outburst – all these details give across a tone and colour to the narrative.

The main character came across as real and believable. She is also likeable. There is constraint in her `complaints’ as she is always modifying to religious rules, but this in itself is an indication of disdain. I see her relating this perhaps to a close friend in the immediate future after events, say she is 13.

At the end the reader is left wondering what effect these tribulations will have on the girl in later life. It seems this was a watershed moment for her. ‘

Really well-written. I enjoyed it very much. Hope you have good luck with it.

Regards Brian
31
31
Review of SUDDEN FEAR  
Review by brian a
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Cal,

`...the color couldn’t hide the darkness that lived within. The darkness that had drove him into the madness that took over his life.’

This is the instigation of fear – the basis for incremental fear applied to Janet. `The darkness’. – it could be anything, the dark is the traditional repository of our fears. During the story there are the flickering lights and the banging noises in the basement, that cease when the lights are turned on – these are attributed to the presence/actions of previous owner – as the real basis of irrational fear in Janet. I think it is significant that he warns her to leave

In the end of the story, the old man is revealed as an intruder to her basement – a gambler who lost his home, and subsequently his family. He resides at a mental home and takes meds – so perhaps he is delusional – this might be a likely explanation for his behaviour.

So all these fears of Janet have been irrational – it is only this poor old delusional man. Yet she cannot forget and the fear stays with her.

At two points in the story – in the beginning and when he warns her to leave – we have indication of another threat/fear entity – `the darkness’. Admittedly, through the previous owners perspective – actuality weakened because he is delusional (as we discover).

In other stories of this nature, at the end – fear quelled, allayed – all has been rationally explained – character assumes degree of peace – then discovers that shockingly that is not the case. In your story it might be Janet going down to the basement after the call to police and discovering deep scratch marks in the wall or torn into the side of her washing machine – story ends. The spectre of an untold story, the prospect of continuation of fear resurfaces in readers mind.

In your story, in the end Janet has a persistence of fear. But what did she fear? Her fear based on warning and appearances of old man – and then of an intruder in the basement (an animal – which she doesn’t state) – rational fears of a householder.

This is counter-pointed against the fear generated by the old man of another supernatural fear. The reader is lead down the old man’s perspective path – til the end where resolution occurs.

Just some thoughts as I was analysing your story. You may want to ramp up Janet’s basis for fear. Perhaps another encounter with old man - `beware the darkness – warning about house’. Her initial fear is based on one brief encounter with the man , and a sighting – when lights flickering she thinks of him, not of electrical problem in older house she has just purchased. This seems a stretch to connect. I wonder if there could not be some further basis of her fear for this man – i.e. he causes to reminder of unfortunate incident as a child (child molester – burglar?)

The bizarre environment of a costume party, mad swirling colour of children , unreal characters, the maddening tumult of unrestrained children’s voices (hard to hear yourself think) etc I thought you might have used more to create dislocated atmosphere for Janet’s fears.

Some notes:

`The darkness that (had) drove him...’
`We watched as parents ...’ – who is `we’?
`...and (the) a fear that plagued...’ - `the’ is definite. It intimates she knows what it is.
pushing reader unnecessarily.
`The fear (had) started the day after they (had) moved into...’ – have a look through the rest of text for `had’ and `that’ s which are not needed. These indicate passive voice. Where they can’t be dispensed with you should look to replacing with active verbs.
`(Feeling) (s)Startled,...’- suggest omit - it is the same as being startled.
`...mumbling something (to himself that) Janet couldn’t understand. The incident (had) sent...’
Paragraph beginning `As she went about starting a new life...’ seems out of place. Perhaps incorporate into beginning.
`She (quickly) grabbed...’ – suggest omit. Adverb weakens verb by extending action (& reading time)
. `grabbed’ already has a sense of urgency and swiftness.
The paragraph beginning: `After dropping the boys off at...’ – seems out of place – she is at the party has just described the boys, and in the next paragraph after party. Suggest omit – adds nothing to story.
There is a problem coming back from Janet’s recollection into current time, suggest:
Move paragraph beginning `Both boys...’ to between dialogue snatches i.e. before
‘You are both the scariest...’ – just staging it in my minds eye I can see he teachers comment to Janet re lights, the Janets recollection which is interrupted by two boys. Then `Janet heard a banging...’ – I don’t think there is a need to reiterate previous action with teacher or knowledge of light flickering.
`(Then suddenly,) (s) She heard...’) – suggest omit – prolongs action, doesn’t make more `sudden’ – use is associated with oral story telling. Also - `...(sudden) fear gripped her.’
`...train(ing) speeding through a dark tunnel, when the doorbell rang.’ – To signify a break up of her thoughts perhaps `The doorbell rang...’ could be a separate sentence. At the moment runs on from previous image of train in tunnel – a bit confusing.

My apologies for getting carried away with the editing and my earlier thoughts on the structure of your story. Hope it all helps somehow. It was a good read and I think it has potential. Good luck with it.

Regards Brian
32
32
Review by brian a
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was an interesting insight to the habitues of an Amman cafe. The writer obviously spends some time in one. The profiles of the groups were drawn well and in an amusing and entertaining way. The Observers were a mite threatening and I could just see them sitting there in stern disapproval at the actions and antics of the others - too serious to laugh.

You have done a bit of stereotyping so I was wondering what group theauthor was going to place himself in - self definition is hard. Then he evaded this, by defining himself and for safey sake, myself, as normal. Perhaps he should instead leave that up to the other coffee drinkers - or playfully suggest a category he might fit into - the secret laptop writers.

Some notes:

`...crowd, but all these crowds have to have certain groups of people in them.'
a `crowd' is a group which makes this awkard perhaps `certain types of people'

`crises' - crisis

`as they are not (their) there to be seen,`

Over all I thought well done, and as I said entertaining. Good luck with this.

Regards Brian
33
33
Review by brian a
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Maggie,

I thought this was a well told story. The characterisations were excellent, to the point where I couldn't fault your `delivery'. Betty was aptly drawn - and as a reader I was with Hyacinth in the classroom. I must say, I too would be a bit peeved, not only by classmates, but the standard of instruction - 3 months?

I have to agree with Betty re reading others work when you are writing.

I thought the paragraph begining `Listening to all the comments...' saw Hyacinth learning something, from observation and deduction - the ending has a subject confusion:
`She was at a disadvantage Hyacinth concluded. People would mistake her confidence for arrogance.'

I think you mean `she' as a self reference by Hyacinth, not continuation of reference to Betty.

In the ending we gain an appreciation of Hacinth's motives for attending the course - and that everything that has occured she has used to bolster her own confidence.

That is what I got out of it. I also thought the description as the room breaks up was well done: `...as if they’d finished watching a movie and couldn’t be bothered to read the credits;'

All good work, good luck with this and thanks for the read.

Regards Brian
34
34
Review by brian a
Rated: E | (3.5)
I thought this was a largely well written story. The travails of Emma Fay - her boredom, self-pity - her curiousity - her abduction - and rescue. I must admit I found the story a bit `formal', but this may be to the use of `father' and `sir' throughout the story. Perhaps when talking about the chickens - they might be `our' chickens. This would remove one `father'.

In the paragraph to do with the chasing and description of the cat, I think you might try to combine some sentences. You have four sentences beginning with `It'. Have a look at this type of thing through the rest of your text. Although you are dealing with Emma's direct thought, you can be concise or `neater' , than every actual thought that enters her mind, without disturbing the character of her thought too much.

`Then' - you use this reasonably frequently and I would be looking to eliminate it where I could. It is an oral staging device and puts the reader one extra remove from the character - often it is not needed.

Like I said well-written the girl is well crafted as a character, and you keep within her stage of development etc. The dialogue is also sound I thought .

`...missed (my family - intuitive, no need to state) and shattered a nearby tree.

` I held onto him with my left hand and with the right I pounded him like anyone my size could. ' - the last phrase I thought strange i.e. self descriptive and oddly phrased. To me has a observer type of taint. Suggest something like `with all my might' instead.

`leaning against (to) a white'

Emma as all the characters come across as real (probably would like some more description of father i.e. incidental by Emma. The story also is effective with the object of the cat acting as a catalyst and nicely rounding off the story.

Well done. Good luck with this.

Regards Brian
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