Title - It works, but something to think about is a title which foreshadows the question of whether or not he really is the winner. I'm not good with titles, so I have none to suggest, but I think something else might spark more interest and be more effective.
Persona - First person, switching to 3rd person
Diction - good, solid ordinary words; not very striking, though
Imagery - plodding and predictable
Rhythm - halts and switches from trochaic to iambic and back, from 4 to 3 feet and back again
Rhyme Scheme - consistent
Theme - the gain of wealth cannot heal the pain of loneliness
Good effort. Not terribly original, but a nice poem.
Well done! This is a very sweet episode with a wonderful point.
A few thoughts/suggestions:
Second line, eliminate "nice." It doesn't mean anything.
Lots of comma troubles. They are tricky but can really help to clarify what's happening.
"Everyone said we’d end up together, of course we didn’t believe them." Run-on sentence. Reword or divide by a semi-colon.
The dialogue, overall, is excellent. The only problem I had was when she starts explaining how they first met. Emmett already knows it, so wouldn't Rose think it strange that he makes her tell the whole thing again? It seemed to obviously like she was explaining it to the reader. Maybe make her object and then Emmett insist that she tell it again, just for fun?
"Awe!" has a dictonary definition that makes this not the right word here. Maybe just make a special look or a sweet kiss or something?
A few spelling typos, e.g. "beings" instead of "brings"
Those are just my thoughts and suggestions. Use what is helpful and toss the rest. I hope that something I've said will be of some help.
This really is a lovely episode and I hope you keep refining it. Write on!
This is a fascinating and enjoyable look at this episode from Malory's classic. I enjoyed it very much. Your overall organization is good and your use of language is excellent, for the most part.
Here are a few thoughts/suggestions:
and bust them - doesn't fit with the more formal tone of the essay. This can be used to good effect, but here it stands out unnecessarily.
Sir Lancelot’s protest that he and the Lady are knocking boots is meager and poorly timed, denying obviously amorous attentions paid to her in her own bedchamber, - I may not be up on all the vernacular, but I thought that "knocking boots" was essentially the same as paying "amorous attentions" in bed. ??
react unfavorably to the knights when they proclaim their intentions toward Sir Lancelot - distinguish these knights from the 3 named at the beginning of the sentence; call them the "wicked knights" or some such. Also, I would say "intentions against Sir L." or "intention to expose Sir L..."; just less awkward.
were together.” sully the honor - no period and add a couple of words: ...together," thereby sullying the honor... ?
The following sentence has both present to past tense.
Neither Sir Lancelot nor the fourteen Knights of the Round Table are fighting a war in Guinevere’s bedroom, he on one side and they on the other. - This is confusing. It will be clearer if you combine it with the following sentence and cut out a bunch of words.
we learn the fertile consequences of sin to proliferate beyond our comprehension - This sentences uses a lot of ten dollar words, but doesn't really mean what you want to mean. Break down what you mean and use simpler words to convey what you truly mean.
The last sentence seems to introduce new ideas and is confusing. If a rock is just a rock? What does that mean?
Those are just some of my own observations/thoughts/suggestions. Use them if they are of help, ignore if they are not. This may seem like a lot of "corrections" but, believe me, I would not have taken so much time with it if I didn't think it was a worthwhile piece of writing.
Overall impression:
Wow! You seem to have created a believable and easily understood world here, as well as a convincing hero. Very well done!
Mechanics:
+However unsettling it may have been, Alain had to consider - use "was" instead of "may have been" for consistent verb tense
+he noticed that dried blood - use "saw" instead of noticed
+"Nothing seemed out of place in the room except for him: a man standing in his own blood wearing a crimson streaked shirt would be likely to attract attention." The last part of the sentence "would be likely..." takes the sentence in a different direction. Perhaps end the sentence with "shirt" and then make a new sentence, as though the thought is just occuring to him, that he will attract attention looking like that.
+nose crinkled by the fresh scent - "crinkled at"
+I forgot- mustn't have really been listening - unless there's some explanation in the first chapter, this doesn't make sense. Something as important as the Maiden's condemnation would have caught the attention of even the dullest dim-wit. :)
+continue to use the name Marx instead of occasionally using his first name
+two men who were much more imposing than he. - wordy
+had tapped the ground. - use "hit" instead of "tapped"
+As stricken as I am from hearing of the - use "at" instead of "from"
Plot:
Of course, this is only a bit of the overall plot, but even within the chapter, there is a "mini-plot" which works well and keeps the action moving. It also seems as though it advances the overall plot well. I want to know what happens next!
Characters:
Alain, Regil, and Gregory are well-drawn. Conversation is believable and smooth.
The shift in the guards' loyalty is a little too quick. Maybe you could establish some sort of doubts they already have and then when they meet Alain, they are ready to give him their loyalty.
Description:
A little more physical description might be nice, but perhaps unnecessary, esp. if you've described Alain in the first chapter. I really like the succinct description of Gyr; you convey a lot in a few words.
When I first read this, I wondered what I would find to review that might be helpful because the writing is very good, the plotting excellent, the dialogue and description right on. Of course, there are always things we can improve, so I was able to find a few things. They are mostly minor questions of word choice, etc. though. And, of course, these are all just my opinions and suggestions. This is your story, so use what is helpful and ditch the rest. I hope this review may be of some help to you, though. Keep writing!
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Overall impressions: Great! Perfect choice for the Winter Festival! Wonderful idea to have the poetry and prose intertwined as well as the two perspectives.
Mechanics:
slowly between Anna and myself. should be Anna and me.
"I asked my eyes fixed" need a comma after asked
missing punctuation in some of the prose makes for some confusion
"repsond" spelling
"more then" more than
Characters: Good characters - I'd like to know them better.
Suggestions: My only suggestion would be to expand this to include more detail, to let us get to know the characters even better. It has a poetic minimalism that you may want to preserve, but it works better in the poetry than in the prose.
Those are just some of my thoughts and suggestions. I hope you will take what might be useful and ignore the rest! This is your story to tell.
Overall impression: Lovely and heart-warming with some laughter thrown in. Very enjoyable.
Mechanics:
"when I and a group of volunteers" the "I" should always come after the other subject noun in the sentence (e.g. Fred and I)
"girl with whom I had an insatiable crush on" should be "girl on whom I had and insatiable crush."
“Having romantic relations with your teacher is not good. This is not proper for a classroom setting. You and I can talk alone, one-on-one, after class.” Who says this? I was confused.
"greeted her an advanced Happy Birthday" should be "greeted her with a "Happy Birthday!" or "wished her an early Happy Birthday"
"could have more than" should be "could have been more than..."
Plot: Planning the birthday party had a good story arc.
Characters:
Good details of description; characters are drawn from real life and seem realistic.
Suggestions:
If you want to make this into a short story rather than simply a recounting of what happened, you need to take out many of the peripheral details. For example, "Earlier on, I inquired with Karyl about Shereen’s favorite, but she was unaware." This detail isn't really necessary and does not contribute to the overall story. Also, the anecdote about your first classroom experience is funny, but may not really contribute to the story line. You need to decide exactly what story you want to write, what you want to convey, and then stick to what will make that story come out. As it is, it is fun, but not really what could be called a cohesive short story.
These are my own thoughts and impressions and you may certainly heed what is helpful and ignore the rest. This is your story to tell! But I hope that some of what I have said is helpful to you. And, absolutely, keep writing!
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