Amazing story! A few things I can say are when the trees leave, maybe change the word leave. So it sounds more flowing and descriptive. Before you say mournful sigh, maybe put the word A, so it says a mournful sigh. Except for that, amazing work and continue writing!
Amazing story! The only thing I can say about this is when the bush grew 7 feet tall why did it cage in? Also, when you stood frozen as, how were you frozen? Maybe compare yourself to an object? Except for that, amazing story and continue writing!
Amazing story! The only things I can say is the second and third sentence in your first paragraph is a little blocky. Maybe try adding the two together so it sounds more flowing? When you say this mall is shaped, change it to the mall, because your are seeing the mall through Viv's eyes, not the writer. When you say the cars are being filed in the parking lot what do the cars look like, why is it so busy? When you talk about how of course the mall was so busy, explain why. Whenever you say that mall, change it to the mall so it sounds more flowing. Why are their dark clouds rolling in? Does that symbolize that she doesn't want to be there or that she is having a bad day? When she asked if she has a shiny ones, change the word shiny to something else. When she said especially the shiniest one looked the best, what did it look like? Why was it shiny? When the dresses disappeared add to the sentence that she cried, try not to make it another sentence since it is only 2 words. All in all, it was an amazing story! Just need to explain some things and change some grammar. Beautiful and continue writing!
Awesome story! All I can really say is that since it is poetry you don't need to put the 3 dots down at the end of each sentence, you can just leave it blank. Also, when you say that no two games are the same you don't need to put That at the beginning, just so it sounds more flowing. Maybe take the comma out of the and during the sentence of seeing the light. Except for that, amazing work and continue writing! :)
I love this and amazing imagination! The only thing I could say is when you talk about taking a voyage on a lemonade sea, you already talked about sailing a ship on a blue sea a couple of sentences back. Maybe say something else or change the lemonade seas to something like climbing lemonade bubblegum rocks. Also, when you are saying the cotton candy bushes are growing all around, maybe change the all around to around the world or something, so it sounds more flowing. Except for that, amazing work and continue writing!
Amazing work! I love it! The only thing I could say was at the beginning, what was the curiosity burning. Why were your fingers twitching? Why were you hands trembling to open it when you wanted to see what was inside? Love it and continue writing, just need to clarify a few things.
Amazing! Love the ending and how the person you are creating isn't giving up so fast! Maybe changed the leaving the spirit a bit? Explain where your spirit may go perhaps? I love how you say your spirit rises but it doesn't leave you, you are the spirit. All out amazing though!
Love the rhymes and the way you call it creation. Maybe add a little more detail about the surrounding by his labors. What do you mean by that? Just an opinion so you can add more to the verse. Amazing story though! :)
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