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6 Public Reviews Given
6 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Carol Scarlette
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello!

Now, let's take a step back and hold up, here. You're obviously a talented and enthusiastic writer, and I like seeing that. I love the effort and work put into this story. It's a big one!

But I need to be honest with you. The first red flag that popped up while reading was the first sentence:
"Amelia thinks to herself as she jerks awake heart pounding loud and rapid in her ears breathing suspended for just a moment before she lets her body slump back against the headboard.""

This sentence is really exciting, but I would really would love it if you could take the time to break this sentence up a bit. Give it some attention. Perhaps a comma here or there? Maybe something like this:

"Amelia jolted awake, her heart pounding. Struggling for breath, her pumping blood pounding in her ears, she tried to calm down, slumping down against the headboard. Her body went slack."

Anything would definitely help remedy the starting scene, to be honest. But don't worry! These are all just suggestions. You're the author and you will always know what's best.
Now, the story seems interesting. However, the pacing could do with a little work. Just cut to the chase with as few words as possible. Don't be afraid to use commas and periods, and don't be afraid to re-word different sections or split up long sentences.

And I'd hate to be brutal, but there seems to be a little lack luster. The idea and plot sounds like it could be awesome, but the execution and the way it's structured seems kind of dry. You have the talent and the promise, don't get me wrong, but there's plenty of room for improvement. For example, remember this sentence?
" She's wide awake now and won't be going back to sleep any time soon as she casts a wry glance at the alarm clock sitting on the dresser adjacent to her cast iron bed."

Perhaps something like this could help.
"Wide awake, Amelia knew that the last tendrils of sleep had been dissolved. Throwing a resentful glance at the alarm clock, she doubted that she would be able to snatch another hour of rest. Her cast iron bed was nestled near dresser. The clock sat atop the dresser, reading five past one a.m."

Sorry if I'm butchering your original version of your story. These are just idea sparkers. Feel free to do whatever you please. : )

Now, I'm not that great at poetry, but I love the little snidbits of lyrics you have here. I could definitely imagine these being played on a radio by some cool band. Very excellent job on that.

So in conclusion, this piece could do for some good editing, if you want to of course. But you have the talent, I know it's there. Don't forget, you can disregard everything in this review, if you choose to. You're the author, and this is your story, and no one can take that away from you.
To be clear, all that needs to be done for now is something a little like this: Don't be afraid of commas and periods and split up sentences if you can.

But that's just me.
Hope you have a great day! And thanks for the good read! : D
2
2
Review by Carol Scarlette
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello there. ( :
Nice to meet you.

First and foremost, very sexy story. I liked it. The substance craving Dakota has is expertly depicted here, as well as the attitude. Very likable from the start. However, there seems to be some struggle with moving from one scene to the next. The thoughts and dialogue are all excellent, but the descriptions are a tad vague, or the details tend to derail the story pacing, and the actions seem slightly mechanical in certain areas.

I love the theme, though. And Dakota exudes confidence. The grammar and spelling is all very awesome, too.
It's just the way certain scenes are organized. Some details seem to throw off the discussion between the characters. Perhaps it would have been more appropriate to have Dakota dance around the area, so that the reader is set up with most of the key location information. Talking with a coworker? Finishing up with an old client?

Of course, this is all just some suggestions. Feel free to disregard this review. ( :
The author always knows what's best.

Maybe getting all of the location details out of the way first, or naturally through different parts of the scenes, will help make room for more actions and dialogue between Dakota and Jared. Moving the characters and the story forward, while delicious where it happened, could do for some attention, and carefully choosing where it's appropriate to describe the locations, characters or other stuff that's not actively moving the story forward, might help as well.

But that's just me, and it's certainly not a big deal. The story stands very strong on it's own right now, tastefully done. Very clever flirting.

That's all I got, I think. Have a wonderful day!
: D
3
3
Review by Carol Scarlette
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello, a pleasure to meet you.

This is very well written overall, with good grammar and decent spelling. I love the effort and work put into this, and I can see how much progress you made with it. That's all awesome. ( :

However, the title is slightly misleading. I like the emotional distress of the piece, you're very adept at conveying tension and hopelessness in Hazel's character. However, I'm not sure how this is supposed to be a "Rise of a warrior." Just something that confused me.

Also, there's some vagueness about the story that makes it a kind of foggy adventure to delve into. I like it, don't get me wrong, but perhaps in future edits or drafts, you could add just a bit more. A tantalizing taste of what else is going on.
Your writing leaves me craving more. There's a lot of questions that could be good, but could do with a little attention. We could, for instance, elaborate what's going on.
Who's Dr. Matheson? What does he look like? Where is Hazel? What does she look like? Is she at home? How many friends does she have, if any? Does she have family? Is she young, or old? Does her condition effect any of her relationships, other than with Dr. Matheson?

Of course, you're the author of this story and you can feel free to ignore everything in this review. This is just suggestions, and the author always knows what's best. I just wanted to help out. : )

Have a wonderful day!
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