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1
1
Review by Impstar
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
And again...

Specifics:

*Okay. Nearly the first thing you do in this chapter is start talking about the town up ahead. That's cool -- and it serves probably just as well as my suggestion in the past review, regarding putting a mention of the town in at the end; so you can safely ignore that comment. (Guess I should read ahead before commenting. 'Twould be easier if I had a book with pages to flip through. ;))

*I haven't really commented a lot on format, but I do think that one of the things that slowed me down in the first chapter was the formatting of the scenes with speech. Is there some compelling reason you're squishing all the lines of speech together, with no carriage returns in between spoken paragraphs? The formatting there makes it difficult for me to focus on what's being said.

*"Only one building had its light on, and that was the bar." Do you mean they have electricity? Or is the use of "had its light on" supposed to be an artifact of Ki thinking in Earth terms? Maybe they really do have electricity, since later you mention "a lamp sitting on a nearby table"? If they have electricity, though, they'd better use it for something other than lights.

And do you mean "inn" rather than "bar"? Bars don't usually offer rooms for the night.

*"A small stage in the middle of the room, which I assumed was for entertainment, stood silent." Readers will assume it's for entertainment, too, unless you tell us to assume otherwise; so you probably don't need to note it. ;)

*"I snuck out the window and down the side of the building. I froze small bits of the air to act as steps as I went down." Didn't know you could do that to air; is this meant to be literal? Wouldn't the steps drop out of the air if they were really made of ice, which they should be if his power is ice? This also makes it sound like he's walking down stair-like steps floating unsupported; but just a sentence before you said he went "down the side of the building," which sounds like he's using a support. Is there some reason he doesn't just create blocks of ice on the side of the building, to step on? Or maybe create ice-handholds to climb down? Though I'd imagine that would be slippery -- like the steps probably are.

So why can't he just sneak the traditional way? There's probably a back door, regardless of the bar guy is actually sleeping, traditional sneaking seems like it would take less energy, and just last chapter you mentioned how stealthy he's become due to his Chosen powers.

*"I froze a thin layer of water under my feet and made my way across the river. To any bystander it would have appeared that I was walking on only the water itself." The implication here being that ice looks just the same as a running river? Plus, it can't be too thin a layer of ice, or he'll fall through it. Or did you mean "thin" in comparison to the depth of the river?

*"I moved closer, my hand on Avangaurd?s hilt." If there's a reason he's not drawing the sword, you probably ought to give it. ;)

*"Without warning a huge scythe-like claw flew out from the cave. I barely got out of the way in time. The claw struck the earth with enough force to shatter the bedrock." What was the monster aiming for, that it hits the ground so hard when it misses him, here and every time it attacks? Is it trying to flatten him? Why does it do this repeatedly?

(Also, bedrock is usually the rock that's buried under lots of stuff. It's sort of foundational rock. So if it's shattering bedrock, it's probably creating ... oh, big rifts like the one Gandalf got tossed into with the balrog.)

*"It was a giant mantis, nearly twenty times my height, and maybe forty feet long. I was dwarfed by its size." That last sentence is a bit redundant; you're safe without it, I promise. ;)

*"I drew Avangaurd, and watched the moonlight play on its blade." Just pausing to admire his sword while the monster slavers away, eh? ;)

*The fight sequence with the mantis is pretty choppy, and not very vivid. Where'd all the strength go, from the last chapter's fight scenes? I know you have the stuff in you to write like that! ;D I have to admit, too, that the "freezing air into ice shields" thing is very Wheel of Time-looking, or if not that, then it's very convenient-seeming. It's a little disappointing, honestly. It prevents Ki from having to do any real fighting.

*And that mantis? Is such a video game monster. ;) Or maybe an anime monster, or a He-Man cartoon monster; those are the contexts in which it seems to fit best. I'm really wavering on the believability of it in a fantasy setting, but that's probably almost entirely my personal taste, so you can feel free to declare this point totally invalid if you like. I prefer monsters that are more of a challenge to intelligence and skill, and which aren't a threat mostly because they spit out interesting magical showiness at you until they lose all their hit points; and I prefer it when characters win using at least some intelligence and skill, not just because they have a big magical sword that deals lots of damage, and because they have easy shield spells and lots of mana. (And I'm using those terms because that's what it feels like in the narrative. ;))

Actually, nearly the entire chapter seems to be a series of video game or anime fight scenes! If that's your chosen style, well, then -- cool on you, and you're doing well in that vein. I was just expecting an actual epic fantasy -- you know, with a plot, and stuff ;) -- from the first chapter. Oopsie! Silly me...

Positives:

*The moon is cool, although if it looks like that, shouldn't he have noticed something the night before? ;) All right, that's a bit of a nitpick, but you might make a point of mentioning in Chapter 2 that he can't actually see the moon for the trees, or something. (Maybe you did and I missed it. If so ... ignore this. ;))

Overall:

The dialogue is a little stilted, and it seems as if it's been less proofread and less thought out than much of the narrative -- questions aren't marked as questions, sometimes, and the punctuation is a little strange even for dialogue (which does get some punctuation and grammar leeway, it's true).

As above, most of the chapter looks like anime/video game fight scenes, and the plot is going by the wayside. Also as above, if that's what you want to do with this, then cool! Go for it. Your writing is for you first, after all. But if you want to actually tell a great story, there should be at least as much story as there is fighting. And if you actually want a consistent, believable fantasy world, the magic system should look like more than an adapted RPG magic system; it should be internally consistent and "realistic" in terms of itself, and it should have disadvantages and limits as well as amazing sparkly things and benefits.

Maybe you're inspired by video games or anime, and that's cool, too -- those are good sources of color and imagination, in many aspects. But the process of writing has different things to offer a story than games and anime, and I, at least, would enjoy this chapter a lot more if there were more writing and less formulaic fighting.

Maybe you don't know where to go from here? That's cool, too; I know how that feels. But if that's the case, maybe you should pull an idea from, oh, a book? ;)

I'm giving this chapter a low rating, though -- because as an extended fight scene, it could use polishing; and as a story, following from the set-up of your previous chapters, it's pretty lacking in substance. If you revise it, drop me a line so I can give it a new rating and review! That is, if you don't hate me and never want me to review you again. ;)

Strength ever to your pen-hand, and as always, your writing's for you. My comments are merely a point of view! But I really would love to see this as an epic fantasy more than a slashfest. It has such great potential to be Awesome! :D
2
2
Review by Impstar
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hey, hey! A new chapter -- woo!

Specifics:

*There's the usual extraneous/distant wordage that I keep whining about, of course. Some examples in this bit:

-"I found a large rock that was in the shade of a tall pine..." (Could easily become, "I found a large rock in the shade of a tall pine." Yeah ... I admit it. This is a nitpick. But as I always tell people, nitpicks are a good sign -- if I don't feel I have to restrict myself to just the really big issues, I must think you're an above-average writer.)

-"From where I sat, I picked up a sharp rock and tried to cut the bottom of my pant leg." (Doesn't need "From where I sat." Really only needs a clarification of position if he changes positions.)

-"This sword was truly the most amazing thing I had ever seen." ("Truly" doesn't add credibility, but it does weigh down the prose a little. In fact, because the sword has done something amazing at that point, you don't really need to emphasize the amazingness at all. You've already done it with actions, is the thing -- we already know instinctively that this sword is the most amazing thing Ki has ever seen. A small "Whoa" moment is all you really need there, if you even need that; and it would really be there mostly so the reader knows that Ki is amazed in proportion to the obvious amazingness of the sword.)

-"I focused my mind on ice, on its cold and smooth feel." ("On its cold and smooth feel" is redundant; we know that ice is cold and smooth. If you really want to restate it, maybe do it poetically, or something? ;))

*"The huge tree began to slide slowly down at a diagonal."

This sounds rather like the tree is sliding into the ground at a diagonal. If you mean the tree is slowly toppling over and taking on a diagonal, well, that's different. ;) Maybe "The huge tree began to tip slowly toward the diagonal" is more like what you meant?

*"It fell to the ground with a thunderous crash; the noise startled the birds in the trees, and they flew off in panic."

The other trees, I hope. ;) This also contains another example of extraneous phrasing -- it'd be pretty much the same if you made it, "...the noise startled birds into flight from the surrounding trees," or something even better phrased than I'm coming up with on the spur of the moment. ("It fell to the ground with a thunderous crash, startling birds from the surrounding trees"? "It fell ... and startled birds flew from the surrounding trees"?)

*Kind of random, and not really a useful comment, but just something I'm thinking as a reader: If Ki is affiliated with ice, does that mean he can't take heat (or temper? or a lot of personality?) and that he might be prone to shattering under great force?

*"I wrapped the rabbit in some large leaves and tied it to the top of my rucksack, right beside my pallet." Okay, so there's a big fat pallet in there (I hope he doesn't have too far to go; oh, right, he's probably not human-strength ;)) that he didn't bother noting for readers during his earlier inventory, and additionally there was some string that didn't get mentioned, for him to tie the leaves with (or maybe they're tin-foil leaves that don't need tying); and Ki just pulls the knowledge of how to tie leaves securely around a rabbit out of the air, eh (or are they excessively big leaves that are easy to tie in place? ;))? Not that he can't do that, if you tell us he can -- but do tell us if he can.

*Oh, and there's also a flint, or some other thing to start a fire with, there in the pack. (I guess my point is just that if there was stuff in there that he didn't mention or didn't look at, the narrative should probably mention that he didn't give a full inventory when he was going through his pack "on-screen.") Was he in Boy Scouts so that he knows how to start a fire? No, wait. He was antisocial. Okay, no Boy Scouts. Is starting a fire something that he was Gifted to know by his mysterious power? I'd think fire would be kind of against the Ice elemental, wouldn't it? ;)

*Whoa, he's a leftie. Probably ought to mention that before he "draws his sword with his left hand" to defeat the shadow-stalker under the tree he's been sleeping in -- so that we know he's not pulling a miraculous stunt by drawing his sword with his left hand from a right-hand-oriented sheath. A good place to sneak it in would be above, when he's "training" with the sword. You could casually mention that he wears the sword on his right side instead of on his left, because after all he's a leftie, and just by the way, the sage seemed to find that strange. (That is, you could also throw that in earlier, if you like, to get it out of the way of the fight narrative; but either way is really fine, since you don't dwell on it enough to really slow things down.)

*Okay, the bit about running with his hand on his sword is ... just silly. ;) If the stalkers catch up, he'll have to turn around to face them, anyway; he can put his hand on his sword in the same movement. It's definitely not convenient to run with one's hand on one's sword, Chosen or no, and it would probably even slow him down unless the Chosen have a nonhuman physiology. (Try sticking your left hand on your right pocket and running for a while -- or even better, stick a hammer in your right pocket and try holding the handle while you run. Really great fun, hmm? ;) Even if you're superhuman, it's probably not going to be more help than hindrance.)

*The phrase "one of them flanked behind me..." doesn't use "flanked" quite properly. A flank is generally a side -- left or right, east or west, but usually not front or back (though it could be used for front/back if handled right). Regardless, the stalker can't flank behind anyone, anyway, because that's not how the verb "flank" works. ;) (You wouldn't say "He flanked right of me" would you?)

End Fight Sequence:

(Yes, there are so many comments on this that I gave them their very own section. How special. ;))

*The entire fight scene between Ki and the multiple stalkers is a little implausible -- not because we don't believe he can take them all, necessarily, but because everyone's movements seem not to flow together, or to be physically likely. "One spiked claw flew only a few inches over my head," for example, needs a little more set-up if you don't want a reader to imagine an excessively tall stalker swinging and missing over 6'3" Ki's head. If Ki ducked to avoid a blow, well, he's 6'3" and there'd better be a reason he's ducking his head that far down rather than just jumping back. (Compare this to later against the drake, when, yes, he probably ought to duck the stream of fire since he can't easily jump out of range.) And you did just say that he "dodged," not that he ducked -- so why did the claw go over his head, then? Was the stalker just swinging for fun?

*"The slash of my sword tore off one of the stalkers arms, and a second took off its head" seems unlikely because a sword that can slice through a tree cleanly shouldn't be "tearing" anything; and additionally, this combines a vertical (or maybe diagonal) slash with a horizontal (or again, maybe diagonal) slash, which, unless you specifically create flow between the two motions, doesn't flow logically.

BTW, how are these things so fast if they're basically running on two legs and two arms? Okay, I admit it -- I don't really know how fast gorillas can move when on all fours, but I'm really not sure about the last chapter's claim that these things are built to run. If they were built to run, they wouldn't run on their arms; arms aren't built to run on, and if they are, they're not arms, but forelegs. And hands with claws definitely aren't made to run on, either; or they would be clawed feet, not hands.

I would totally accept it if they were magically fast, of course; but the last chapter says "built to run." Yeah, I admit I didn't catch on to that till now. Oopsie. ;) I also just noticed the really strange leg articulation -- is this supposed to be at all similar to something on our planet, or are you just making something up and handwaving that the balance and such are all conveniently what you want them to be? ;)

And I admit I usually have no idea from the narrative whether these things are primarily on four legs or on two, running, fighting, or standing. How do they move? Do they lumber or stalk or spring or bob? It would be nice to know that for sure, so that I imagine them properly.

*"The second came at me again, nearly gouging me with one of its vengeful claws. It surprised me with a knock in the stomach by its fist." "Vengeful" mostly just slows down the narrative and looks melodramatic. And why did it "nearly" gouge him? Did he dodge, or does it just have abominable aim? This pair of movements is also another strange, unflowing combination -- the stalker jumps forward and swings a claw, and then pulls back again and punches him in the gut, so lightning-fast that he doesn't even see it coming? Additionally, it does this around the sword? Kind of strange. If they're that fast, why does he see anything coming?

Incidentally, do stalkers have retractable claws? If they don't, they'd better have armored hands, or else they're going to have big gashes in their own hands from punching people with claws on the inside of their fists. And anyway, why would it merely "knock" him in the stomach rather than tearing into him? Even if it does have retractable claws, why is it retracting them in battle?

*"I landed from the blow and forced my eyes to focus. When it charged me again, I was ready; I sidestepped and drove my sword though its spine." I'm not really sure what "I landed from the blow" is meant to convey; it gives me an image of him getting knocked onto his back, but that would distinctly disable him for performing the next move -- sidestepping. Also, if it just knocked him in the stomach, it's probably at least relatively close to him -- why doesn't it just bite him or slash him while he's wide open and stunned? When did it get far enough away to give him time to recover and to give it room to "wind up" for charging at him? I feel as if I'm missing a lot of the action, here.

Also, do you mean he drove his sword through its spine from the back (or possibly from above?), when it passed him, in which case he has to turn to reach the creature? A mention of that would be nice. Or do you mean he drove the sword, say, through the creature's stomach, thus severing its spine?

*"It opened its mouth again, but this time fire rolled from it. Flames licked the ground on which I had stood only moments before" fails to mention that Ki moved, until it's already happened, which might make the reader "double-take."

*"I ducked beneath the arc of flame and delivered the stalker a slash across the stomach. The stalker howled in pain, and once again breathed its fire." Okay, it's definitely standing on two legs, then. ;) These actions seem to occur in such close succession, by the way, that you probably ought to specifically note that the fire cuts off when the creature howls, so that we won't "double-take" again when the fire appears to restart without having stopped.

*"Suddenly, something clicked within my mind. I raised my sword and yelled out, <Avenscar> (Scar of Ice) as I swung. A band of ice shot from my blade hitting the huge beast square in the chest." All right, I'm sorry, but I can't help it -- this suddenly looks like a scene from a manga. ;)

*"The beast?s head burst apart, littering the ground with the remnants of its skull." Yeah, and probably littering Ki, too ... and with more than just remnants of skull. ;) Even if it were just skull ... Shrapnel, anyone?

*"However something lay behind as the rest faded. I had no idea what it was supposed to be." It's the next form, of course! Doesn't this kid play Final Fantasy? ;)

"Its eyes locked on to mine, and it let out an evil hiss. It spewed forth a river of searing flame, singeing the top of my head slightly in the process." Do these things just have really, really bad aim? (Are they maybe related to Stormtroopers?) Why does everything go over this 6'3" guy's head? Maybe that's another unmentioned property of Ice, or another advantage of being Chosen ... everybody around you has really bad aim?

*"Whenever I tried to get in close, it would swipe with its claws, or breath its fire, and at longer range it could shoot the fireballs." What, so it's like a video game, and it's incapable of shooting fireballs unless you're far away?

*"I ran towards it and pierced my blade though its heart. It let out a final cry before it fell to the ground dead." Guess it fell off the sword to get to the ground, then, huh, since he pierced it through the heart, which should have it skewered pretty well? ;)

*"It was over; I stood there and watched it slowly evaporate into nothingness. The first rays of the sun were beginning to show from beyond the crests of the mountains. Left with no other choice but to move forward, I sheathed my sword and set out again."

This bit should probably be a new paragraph, since it's a new series of thoughts. Also, why does he have no other choice? Like, for instance, why doesn't he have the choice to rest, or to clean up, or to make camp somewhere nearby and assess and treat his wounds (if any) and to think for a little while? You mentioned that he was running out of energy -- why can't he sit and regain strength for a bit? It's okay if he specifically chooses not to do those things, of course; but the narrative says that he can't choose those things, and it doesn't tell us why.

Positives:

*"The embroidery on the shirt was exquisite, long navy strands looped across the shoulders and down the chest and back, and was more comfortable than anything I was used to."

Whoa! Cool! You, like, actually described the embroidery! Nobody does that ... and I appreciate it greatly that you took the time and imagination. Points!

If you're going to describe the embroidery right away, though, you don't need to say the shirt is "navy and tan," unless you mean the fabric is both navy and tan and then there's also navy embroidery on top of that. (If you do mean that, you might want to clarify it.) And hey, any chance of telling us what the fabric is like? Cotton, linen, silk, even wool? Some fabric he can't identify? Okay, maybe I'm giving Ki too much credit for knowing what clothes are made of ... ;)

*"He claimed that the cloth had been seeped in a concoction of crushed dragon scales and some rather less appealing things. I wasn't quite sure if I believed him." Amused by this. ;) Though do you mean "steeped"? You can't "seep" something in something else, though something can seep into another thing.

*Good job on the use of the rock to show that the fabric won't tear! And to show that Ki is actually a smart hero. Gasp. Is that an oxymoron? ;) Anyway, cheers for showing rather than just telling.

Overall:

Congratulations for getting through my huge huge review, for one thing. ;)

There's a lot of action in this chapter, but not so much introspection or thought -- and that's totally fine, but I mention it because it could have the effect of derailing the thought-line of the quest. You might want to give a tiny bit of reminder at some point as to where he's actually headed -- maybe mention the village he's headed for at the very end of the chapter, or something. That way, more forgetful readers can go, "Oh, yeah" and get back into the traveling groove.

And although I rip into the fight scene quite a bit, it's not as horrible as I might make it seem -- at least it didn't bog down in any of the usual spawn of ignorance: vagueness, over-writing, or absolutely and consistently unbelievable actions that make it clear the writer has no idea how a fight really works. The fight sequence really has a lot of potential, and I didn't throw my hands up in disgust and walk away from it mentally, which is good. I do that while trying to read a lot of fight scenes in published work, frankly -- but yours wasn't too overwordy and it wasn't too dull, so I didn't have to force myself to get through it.

The writing in this chapter seems a little sharper than the writing in the previous chapter. There's rather less of the extraneous words and distant-feeling phrasing that I keep nitpicking you on; and maybe that's because there's more action, but I also think it's because you aren't trying to infodump us with background or character sketching. You do seem to be better at writing action actively, though, than at writing non-action actively -- but it can be done! And it would be really cool if you did it, because then I'd be able to enjoy all of the first chapter, and not just the bits with weapons.

I'm giving this a 3, which is a lower rating than I gave the last chapter, even though I like this chapter rather better, because I feel the fight scene needs some reworking to reach more of its potential.

Cheers!
3
3
Review by Impstar
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, again! Finally getting around to re-reviewing this for its revision...

Specifics:

*The first paragraph of intro looks better -- still full of background, but not so much that readers are overwhelmed and unwilling to go along with it.

*However, I still think the second and third paragraphs are a little overfull of infodump, starting from "I never met my parents..." IMO, that information slows down the narrative and pacing, and isn't necessary at this point. That's not to say you should necessarily junk it entirely -- just slip it in some time when the reader needs to know, no?

The point of all that background might be partly to set up for the mysterious change, but it would be just as effective if you summarized it, pared it down to the bare bones of what's important there. Something like, "I never met my parents, and I raised myself in ignorance of my past. I never blended in with others, and I've come to hate humans. I know it seems strange -- I'm human, too, after all -- but I never felt like one." And then you could go into the bit about not loving anything. The actual reasons for why he is what he is can wait till later; all we really need to know at this point is the basics.

*"The thought didn?t bother me completely I was simply now alone without the nuisance of the others that populated the earth. There was a very small part of me, however, deep in the back of my mind that was apprehensive and nervous. I mean don?t just disappear without some cause. I tried to block that feeling, but as I looked around all it did was grow. I continued to walk, mostly because I was still in a mild state of shock. I perceived everything and nothing at the same time. I could reach out and touch the things around me, but I could not convince myself that this was happening."

This is mildly unbelievable, but only because you wait until the middle of the paragraph to tell us that he's in shock. ;) If you tell us (or give us a hint) sooner, we'll more readily accept that he isn't really bothered by the entire world vanishing, which should logically bother even the most rabid human-hater, just because it's weird.

Also, the last two sentences of that excerpt are a little redundant for the effect, I think; it's not that you're literally repeating yourself, but they don't really add anything new, either.

*There's also still quite a bit of "distance" to the narrative -- like in "I started to back slowly away." Is it important that he started, because he started but didn't make it? Or could you as accurately (or more accurately) say that he backed slowly away?

Also in "I turned and ran, going as fast as I could" -- running is usually fast, but if you wan to say it's as fast as he could run, you could bring the action closer to the -- well, to the action -- by making even such a minor change as, "I turned and ran as fast as I could."

And lest you need another example ... ;) Try "It looked ready to pounce, and when it did, I took my chance." This could easily become, "It pounced, and I took my chance," which is more direct, and therefore more active-feeling. Or even better, you could say, "It pounced, and I dove under it, rolled to my feet, and ran for my life." Or something.

*" The world blinked out around me. I was surrounded by darkness, and I let it take me. I fell into it and embraced the nothingness. Sounds rolled across the darkness like thunder rolls in a stormy sky. The sound grew and the darkness faded from around me. I was high above the ground looking down upon the remnants of a castle. All of the walls had crumbled, and all that remained was the courtyard strewn with rubble. I willed myself closer to the castle. I could now see that I was amid a great battle."

For this part, if he's "amid" a great battle, I'm assuming it's partly in the air, and if it is, you probably ought to mention that before the "amid" bit, or right away afterward, so we know you mean what you seem to be saying. If it's not actually partly in the air, well, then, he can't be "amid" it and floating in the air at once.

Also, it's not clear whether he's actually present in a physical form (in two places at once? ;)) or if he's only there as an awareness, so you might want to add something about that -- "I was bodiless, or at least invisible," or something.

*And the last bit with Sesien talking to himself terribly obviously about being a villain is -- rather overdone, methinks. It's sort of off-putting, as if you're going, "Ha, ha! I fooled you!" to readers, or bludgeoning us with the Sheer Evilness of Sesien, and those aren't usually pleasant feelings. ;) If you want to go for a feeling of menace, you can do it more subtly -- have Sesien come back inside and mutter something short and incriminating, if you like, but you don't need to give us all the details of Sesien's Vile Plan right away. How's about some mystery, huh? And it'll definitely look quite evil and incriminating enough to have him summon the thingie and send it off, then turn into a Strange Creature. ;)

Positives:

*I like the descriptions of the warriors, and your "big room of weaponry" is fairly imaginative, too -- less generic than many I've seen. Hooray. ;)

*The back-story of Deraga is original -- well, as far as epic fantasy is ever really original, but it's original enough that _I_ find it interesting. Do you happen to read Wheel of Time, though? ;)

Overall:

I still think the prose could use a little sharpening and brightening, more vivid images, and some more word-trimming.

For instance, "The sheer force of the sound in this silent world shook the once still leaves. They rattled eerily like this was the first time that they had ever moved from this position" has a lot of extraneous words, and almost the entire paragraph is taken up focusing on the sound. If the sound itself is extremely important, then okay -- that's justified. But if not, well ... a little cutting might be in order. ;)

Also, in this case, more words means less impact. It would give a stronger feeling (and image) if you said something like, "I heard the metallic clang of a trash can toppling in an alley, dry leaves rattling from the impact; in this silent world, the sound was almost visible. It echoed off everything."

However, I do like the ideas you're working with, and that's always an encouraging sign, at least for me. After all, some people who have a lot of technical writing skill -- this includes published authors -- write stuff that doesn't interest me; it's not imaginative enough, or it's too expected, or it has no vividness or spirit at all ... but your work has spirit and imagination. It just needs to be polished till it shines as brightly as it deserves to.

This revision, by the way, gets you a rating improvement. Woo! This chapter now gets a 3.5 -- it could use quite a bit of technical work and clean-up, but the ideas are coming through well enough that I'm giving you an extra half-point for 'em. Cheers to you!

And strength to your pen-hand, as always. I'll be reviewing your next chapters at some point soon, too, so look for me, eh? ;D
4
4
Review of Composition 1/30  
Review by Impstar
Rated: E | (4.0)
Generally...

Fun stuff! Thanks for keeping it short -- no need to bludgeon this subject into the ground. ;) But it's entertainingly presented, a somewhat new perspective, and that's also appreciated.

Specifics:

I just reviewed your Mac poem; comparitively, I think this one is a bit funnier, and the phrasing is a little smoother, too. (Kind of perverse for a poem about writer's block, isn't it?)

I like the rhythm of this one a little better, too, although I had to re-read "So I wrote what I could/I kept rhyming away" a couple times to re-catch the rhythm when it changed there.

Likes:

I like "I thought and thunk/I thunk and thought" -- it reminds me of ... someone else. Kipling? Someone lighthearted enough to use slang and non-words well; this is a good example of such.

Muchly entertained by the ending. ;) The sort of off-rhythm, extra-line-outside-the-rhyme-scheme is quite effective at emphasizing the sudden loss of inspiration that can come with writer's block.

Overall:

Enjoyed this one, too! The rhyme and rhythm you use are well suited to fun poetry. Keep on writing, and as ever, strength to your pen-hand!
5
5
Review of Mac Attack  
Review by Impstar
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya! Nice to see a Mac-friendly face. ;D

Generally, I like this poem because it really is nice to see something Mac-friendly, even if the poem's structure is silly and sort of "kid-like." I won't get all nitpicky because, darnit, this is just plain fun. Thanks for writing!
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