very beautiful ! the descriptions of the colors and their interaction are so sublime and really help me to get a sense for the feeling of each color. Typically, white is compared with black, but i think the comparison with brown gives it a more real, earthy feel to the work. Im assuming that this is part of a larger piece, and if this is a sign as to the larger piece, im sure it will be superb. keep up the writing !
very beautiful! i've never seen the rondelet form before but this was a great intro. the picture is perfect as well. i love the stylized repetition very much. so sweet! keep up the writing
absolutely exquisite! so beautiful! the repetition was the most interesting thing to me, it was so unique it made the poem not feel like a bunch of lines but as one whole cohesive work. And the creme de la creme was the matching first and last lines. this poem is a perfect `slab of marble, white suffused with blue` ! keep up the writing!
so awesome! i liked the whole thing, i thought it was really interesting how maniacal the older brother became and how that played into his ultimate demise. all because of some candy! the structure helped to keep it moving along with short paragraphs and i loved the huge blank space at the end. I also liked how i could never tell the age of the older brother, at times he seemed almost grown and other times he seemed just a young teenager, these thoughts helped me to gain a better mental picture of the narrator as a whole.
two small things i noticed
"you notices the scene from a different angle"
"begins to dissolve your chocolaty body"
i think its really awesome that this was written collaboratively and i suggest that the authors continue to work together, keep up the writing !
Awesome! so few words and yet so powerful. Not much can be said except that this is a top quality piece of writing. I would love to hear both the pre- and post- to this short snippet! keep up the writing
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