It was so thought provoking and I think someone who doesn't know the Bible probably wouldn't understand most of it.
I LOVE how you showed how we are both sides of things. That is so cool and so true. Wierd to think about.....
The whole thing was good. Talking about trying to be good, but being bad because that's what our flesh wants.....to be prideful. even thought that's not who we want to be.
Trying to get over our pasts and truly believe we are new creations as God says we are.
This part:
'I am the saint's sinner
The sinner's saint
The man's man
God's child'
This was very interesting. I wouldn't have known that it was about living with someone with bipolar disorder if it hadn't said so. But after knowing that and reading it, I think the way you compared the two was very cool.
I also like all the adjectives you used to describe the different colors.
Very good!
Well written.
Very good imagery with the buidling in the first paragraph.
The writing is very vague, and a little hard to follow in certain parts, but at the same time it gives all the information the reader needs at this point.
If this is going to be a novel I can tell it will be a good one.
I thought this was a good short story. Short and yet you manage to get in enough detail for us to actually relate to the character. That's a talent.
It was enjoyable to read. And the ending was thought provoking.
You never know what the smallest action can do for another person. Something that could be so easy for you and would ake you two seconds could make a world of difference to someone. Like saying, "Have a nice day." Or thanking your waitress at a restarauntjust for serving you even if that's her job. I think the world would be a better place with more small actions like those.
If I have to critique anything it would be two small things.
In the very beginning when it's talking about tape going full circle? It was just a little confusing. Was he listenind to a headset? Was it playingover intercom in the center he was in? Could everyone else hear it?
Second,
Part where she says:
"You have a nice smile?"
? mark should be outside the parenthesis I'm pretty sure. Because she wasn't asking the question. The narrater was.
Just small things that didn't make this piece any less good. :)
Hey Simple Dykie,
I have read a few of your writings now and I always find I enjoy them. :)
This one was very sweet and TRUE!
It is true that people have always been and still are fascinated with love. That is what God made us to do! He is love and he made us in his image.We are supposed to love everyone with AGAPE love. Which is to say, REAL love, unconditonal love. Which is preferring ohers before yourself, and esteeming others higher than yourself.
I would say that this is exactly what you did in this situation. And having said that, I would also say that you have indeed had a precious glimpse of what love really is. :)
Congrats on your 18th anniversary!
Wow.
I have to say I like that all your writings have to do with God.
That's is truley inspirational to see that you are not ashamed to talk about what you believe.
I love the last line in this.
Also, i was just wondering. Is your name really Sara Jean?
This short story made me feel sad for this boy.
You did a good job of getting the reader to identify with the boy in such a short script.
Good word choice and imagery as well. Especially this part:
"His Pop's face was beet red with sweat running from his hairline into the crevices around his bloodshot eyes."
There was one part that was confusing though. Where he's talking about the other boys liking girls and "he" thinking he liked getting beat up...and then it started started talking about going home and seeing the same look on his Dad's face. I was confused. I didn't know who "he" was that thought he liked getting beat up and then I don't know what look on his dad's face you are talking about. It all kind of ran together.
I never knew the world of bowling could be so serious and competetive!
This short piece will open that fact to the mind of your readers, as well as educate them a little on bowling.
I, myself know nothing about bowling. LOL. So I had a hard time following this.
But, I do suppose anyone who doesn't know about bowling normally wouldn't be reading this.
The one critique I have is that this is a very serious piece. It shows the reader how serious you take bowling and your frustrations while trying to figure out the right bowling technique. But, you make no light of the topic. Someone soserious about the sport would obviously enjoy it, or they wouldn't do it. I don't feel anything in here from you that shows you enjoy it.
Wow, this is very deep. It made me feel very sad.
It definitely describes a hard life, but expresses that there is happiness in the end despite all the hardship. I like the addition of grace and faith.
God's grace is the only real thing that gets us through. And in the end, it's all that really matters.
There were just a few parts I didn't understand. For instance:
"ripped and torn from old man's snake"
or
"Money for him, gifts in her bed
her heart rose to touch damp heads"
There were parts that were easy to comprehend and some parts weren't.
Very thought provoking.
A lot of questions I've never thoght to ask myself.
One critique:
Paragraph three. Line four.
"Did I choose the path I took was it planned?"
Sounds like two questions in the same line. And they run together. they either need to be separated or add an "or".
Like:
Did I choose the path I took OR was it planned?
I liked this.
It made me feel sad, because the grandma obiously dies. But at the same time I feel calm. Like I knew her too.
The writer seems to be saying she mises her grandma but they still has a part of her with them.
I think the poem was clever because it was short and yet still had so much meaning. But I feel it was almost too short and maybe just a little more should be added to help the reader get more acquainted with this grandma. Some way to let the reader know the grandma little better.
WOW, once again. Hilarious!
I like your writing style. You definitely have a sense of humor and know how to relate to the common reader.
This is a topic I can relate to but have never actually thought about it before. But it is 100% true that people only knock on your door at the most inconveniant times!
I enjoyed reading this. And found it very clever how you added the part with your dog Chase.
You are very creative.
WOW!
This is so good!
The story and lines flowed very well. Everything rhymed very well.
There weren't many big fancy words wich made it easy for anyone to read.
The title is good too. Which is always important. I wish I could say I didn't judge things by the title, but I do.
And what I liked most is that there was no obvious foreshadowing. The end was completely a surprise. And I'm pretty good as guessing things most of the time. Looking back after knowing the end I understand now the part where it talks about memories of being younger. It was slipped in and very clever. But not obvious.
I usually always have at least one thing to critique when I read something, but I really can not find anything!
This is a cute little poem!
Short and right to the point. I like the use of the word "decomposes".
I can tell exactly how you feel about the end of summer just by three lines.
And I'm sure that almost everyone can identify with you as well.
:)
Wow, this short passage tickles on the surface of so many issues!
I think it is good and very thought provoking.
There were a few times I was a little confused and had to re-read. Just because you may have needed to expand a little or add a few words. Like, you assumed the reader knew what you meant. But never assume.
example: When you said:
"Going out of Babylon means that you don't even go and if they all think you're a fanatic then too bad."
I gather that you are talking about not going to the party. But it's not 100% clear that's what you meant. There were just a few parts like that.
If that's what you meant, it would probably be good to be more specific.
Repeating yourself too much isn't good, but sometimes is necessary.
Good job!
Keep writing!
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