To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
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The industrial revolution has much to answer for and rivers all around the world bear witness to man's contempt for once pristine landscape. Rivers were the lifeblood of villages and towns and now many are nothing but clogged up creeks or cesspools for waste.
You poem seems simple and easy to read, but it tells a dramatic story very well.
Imagery is good.
Rhyme is good.
To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
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As a fan of Alfalfa and the Little Rascals I am intrigued. Writing as if from an outsider's perspective is an interesting slant.
This piece really needs tighter editing however.
Example: Marco Man takes you through the first 12 years of his life growing up in Orlando, Florida.
Read the sentences and you will see that you need punctuation, either comma or full stop. This will allow the reader to pause (even take a breath) and give more emphasis on the parts you wish to dramatise.
spellling: astounish should be astonish.
It is a visual and interesting introduction which leaves the reader wanting to discover just what trials and tribulations Marco and his friends got up to.
To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
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Okay. How can anyone not be moved by such a loved fill piece.
It evokes the 'aww' response from the very first and there isn't one woman who reads this that won't help but smile as they read those heart felt words.
Rhythm is good and so is rhyme.
Imagery is also good.
Romance is alive and well still within the macho heart and that alone deserves a 5.
To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
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Before I review this article let me give you some insight into why I am responding.
Through WDC I made contact with a young man who was severely wounded by an IED. He rarely comes to this site now as all his poetry and writings were about his battle experiences and coming home and that opened doors to more grief than he can sometimes bare. He is mentally and physically damaged. In his correspondence to me he tells of physically hurting the woman he loves, of resenting what he sees as patronizing and condescending attitudes from those in the military who deal with the ongoing paperwork. His saving grace is his Gunny Sergeant who keeps in regular contact with him, but this man has a wife and baby and so my friend doesn’t like to be a ‘burden’. I worry that some of the emails I get from him will be the last, but he is forever a marine and a proud American. This drives him not to give up but it also makes him feel a stranger in his own country. His attempt to go back to University has failed because his physical disabilities and medication are not conducive to the scholastic pressures. The ignorance, apathy and sometimes antagonism of his fellow students and some professors are an added burden. The arrogance of the ignorant in making superficial judgments is cruel and a constant trigger to this young man’s self-destruction. In being injured he felt he had failed his brothers and his country.
Your article has reinforced everything he has written and I commend you for the passionate and insightful writing. The understanding of the depth of suffering caused by selfless nobility and the image of asking for help as being a weakness is an honest but non-demeaning statement about how pride in country, battalion and self can be a burden. Yours is a much needed call to arms for veterans who feel lost on home soil to allow the brothers in arms in various medical, social and support roles to be able to do their duty.
Thank you for bringing attention to the plight of all returned service personnel with the voice of understanding, reason and empathy.
My I add my voice to yours: War doesn't end on the battlefields and to soldier on alone is not what service personnel are trained to do - it is about teamwork - looking after each other. You are there for your brothers, let them be there for you.
To those who read this article and know someone who needs to reach out, please share this with them.
May I suggest that at the bottom of your article you cite some contacts where such support may be received?
There are two items that need correction.
enemy is [to] strong – should be ‘too’
[B]ut find someone – should be lower case.
Again my heartfelt thanks for a much needed article.
To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
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I too love dragons and you have described one such beast eloquently.
The shakespearean approach is a perfect style to showcase thy love for yon dragon.
The piece is well presented.
The story well told and the imagery excellent.
Well done and keep exploring the use of different styles to assist the subject matter.
To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
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Written from the heart. The knowing of the subject matter, the understanding of the passion and the respect shown in every line reflects a comittment equal to that given by the brothers in arms of which you write.
Well done.
To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
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They are there for your to accept or reject.
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This letter reaches out to the reader in so many ways. Empathy guides our reading and understanding. This is a lovely letter. Lovely in the sense of the honest expression of love and all the human failings that accompany that emotion.
Thank you for sharing this with us, not just a piece of writing for review, but as a mirror in which many will see their own reflections.
To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
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For a first poem it was very good.
the a,b,b,a rhyming is interesting.
Although it does rhyme I couldn't get the flow right especially third verse.
For me the last two lines don't give the drama required. I understand that it gives a brighter finish to a sad poem, but it is lacking what should be an Ah! moment.
To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
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I do not need the GP's so will not drag out this review unnecessarily.
I was at first mystified then hooked and finally fulfilled by an amazingly creative story.
Wonderful piece.
Thank you for sharing.
The sincerity and the honest endeavour of individuals within your group to guide me to become a better writer deserves a greater reward than a few GP's and words of thanks. However, please accept these small contribution and my sincere appreciation in recognition of the efforts of this amazingly generous group.
To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
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The reader can feel the pain and suffering here and there are some good imagery.
The reason I have not rated this higher is because with some amendment it will be more potent.
Like any story - this needs a dynamic opening so may I suggest you use the line
'Chest cavity breached open' to start the poem as it is much stronger.
The chest cavity breached, the broken heart layed bare. The body, supported by the wall, appears lifeless. The head cocked to one side, eyes open but unseeing, face lacking expression or emotion, limbs limp and unresponsive. There is no pulse but blood continues to circulate keeping this broken creature alive. Why?
By putting the poem into this summary form, the story flows more evenly. Now if you use this as the basis on which to rearrange the lines of your poem, you may find that you will change a word or two but the end result will still be the original story in your own words but with a beginning, middle and end.
Whenever you commence a poem knowing what you want to say or tell, then write a paragraph as above to give it some sort of order/flow.
Quite often a poem writes itself, and you have no idea where, how or why. In this case let it unveil itself, then read it as a stranger (a WDC reader) or leave it for another day or two and reread it then. This reading should let you feel the emotion coming from the words, not from your head or heart. If the words convey the story and emotion that you originally intended or felt then you have been successful, however do not be surprised if you find you have to rewrite some lines to get better expression.
The above is not intended as critisism but as something you may want to experiment with in your future writings. There is not wrong or right way to express your personal feelings in poetry, but if you want other readers to connect with and relate to what you are feeling, then you need to read it as others will.
To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
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I love this relaxed, easy going story telling style of writing.
The characterisation was presented truly, the imagery excellent and the joy of life shone through.
I found only one thing to change : as it was to be should be meant to be.
I live in South Australia so know how precious good dogs can be with sheep or cattle.
Thank you for sharing and keep writing. I'm sure you and Shiela have many stories to tell.
To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
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This story has a great deal of potential and I was left wanting more.
Suggestions:
The following words/phrases are modern and out of sync with the time of this story. right-on - does not add up - a heap
In the second paragraph the section starting with My father, should be a new paragraph as it does not connect immediately to the previous sentences. (I personally would have placed this section before that commencing 'I was anxious')
Three consecutive sentences commenced with 'a rider could' or 'the rider could'. Re write without using repetition.
The rider was throne off, spelling - thrown
There are other area's of the story which need honing so may I suggest that you edit it by decreasing the current number of words (4308) to under 4000 without changing the story line at all. This will make the writing sharper.
I am not sure how much of a review you want so have made some suggestions. However if you would like a more in depth review I would be happy to do so without need of GP's.
Regardless of the above, I really enjoyed the story and look forward to reading more. Thank you for sharing and keep writing.
To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
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While you have have laid out the journey you took to come to your current outlook but this piece appears to be a quick overview and therefore open to derision by those whose lives are built on faith.
This item is about your observations and the opinions formed on the basis of your life experience. There is no wrong or right to what you say because the truth is about individual perspective.
You have opened with a strong statement that will get the readers attention.
You do not hesitate to make statements that, by their very nature, will goad every reader to face their own journey of faith.
I found it an interesting read and you have engaged in providing enough information for I, and most readers, to recognise the particular defining moments in your journey of discovery.
There is no doubt that this is an emotive topic and you have presented in openly. There is a small degree of prejudice in the article but I don't believe that was your intention.
For me this is a story about your journey and it is a much considered but an unplanned telling of your secular arrival.
Suggestion: When writing respect must still be given to all and therefore God, regardless of your own belief, should have a capital G.
Thought provoking.
Thank you for sharing.
PS. On a personal note: Choices is the critical element in any religious discussion. Some will say that God gave humans freedom of choice. You have made yours decision, but as someone who has been through hell, may I make another suggestion. If you have shut the door on God, keep your mind open.
To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
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This poem should score well because of the emotive subject and the imagery.
It is a story that is too true and from a personal point of view it is the mental abuse because physical injuries heal but the pain and the suffering of why, the erosion of self worth, the increasing sense of (unjustified) guilt are life long no matter how much therapy. Years of instinctively ducking everytime someone lifts there arm to reach for something, the intense shaking of the body every time someone raises their voice in anger (not even directed at you) these are habits that take a lot of love and patience by those around you to erase, but they never go completely. Bones mend, therapy and medication help, and moving on can happen but the memories don't go - hopefully just pushed back by happier, newer ones.
From a writing perspective it could be said it is not presented perfectly, but for me it did exactly what more perfect poems do - it took me on a journey, evoked emotions and memories with visual realism.
To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
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As someone who also writes poems paying due respect to the military of western nations I am pleased to review that of a fellow poet who sees past the politics to the soul of a war.
My only suggestion relates to the last verse, which are very pertinent comments.
I feel that the verse could be moved higher or another verse added, so that the poem finishes as it started, about the troops. sorry that probably doesn't make a lot of sense but when I read it, there is that feeling that it isn't finished.
As stated, my view only and it could all be a matter of how I'm reading it.
To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
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Pat -
Not going to give a break down review because I agree 100 percent with the sentiments expressed and the clever way you brought the Ogre's attributes into verse.
To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
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I want to scream at the top of my lungs sometimes suggest: Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs,
I stare blankly and question how things like this could happen and why they did. Suggestion: With a blank stare, I question how and why things like this could happen.
spelling: continuously ware myself : should be wear
superfluous words:
...could not change now.
..I become weak, not physically, but mentally. suggest: I become mentally weak.
casting shadows beyond our bodies suggest: casting long shadows.
superfluous words: my sister was ten years old.
... play of course as if...
Our phone rang to our surprise it was our cousin Danny with an alarming call.
suggest: We then received and alarming call from our cousin Danny.
Puzzled and curiously waiting for an answer... I don't understand this. He has rang with bad news so why would he be puzzled by your mothers question if anything was wrong.
I won't continue because there is basically one main thing I feel you should do to improve this item.
I suggest you re read this piece and try to minimise it. That is tell the same story in as few words as possible.
I.e. other than those already mentioned you are putting in unnecessary words
...All I could think in my head was... If you read this you will realise that the words in my head are not required because that's where the thinking process occurs.
I'm not trying to be nasty or negative.
The story is good and obviously important so it is even more important that you tell it well.
A memorable poem with an deft balance of sadness and elation. Emotionally it is a gentle twist of the gut and tug at a tear and yet it finishes on a positive feeling.
Being really nit picky ( it took several readings as a reviewer to find anything for you to improve upon or think about)
There appears to be a contradiction but it may be in my interpretation. In the first verse you state 'what was said, I'm not sure I can say'
but int the sixth verse you state
'Then today like lightning out of the blue,
She whispered to me, “I Love You”'
As I said this may only be a case of me missing an element, because on a first read it is faultless.
To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
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Very clever - as in genius not smart arse.
Great use of words.
One query - (having a grey haired moment) what has this colourful piece got to do with UENG Figure Skating? Don't have to answer as it doesn't affect the review or my enjoyment of the piece.
I love how words can bring a flush to the cheek and a tightening of the loins lol even in old tarts like me. (Probably because words are all we have lol)
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