To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
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This is a return review.
Loved the style. Written in prose it would have been less riveting, but verse has allowed the story to be told in a sharp almost static manner that is very dramatic.
The contemporary language in an almost shakespearean style of writing is a brilliant blend.
Very deep.
No doubt you would have been told about the missing letter T in you title.
At first I found this heavy going because of the style and the way you used words, seemingly disorderly and yet making sense. On the third read I forgot about the style and read the story.
You have the soul of a true poet.
Thank you for sharing
How could I not rate a fellow Aussie with a top score. Must admit though that I am totally intimidated having peeked in at your portfolio. Simply amazing quality of writing.
Julie from HONOURING OUR VETERANS told me I would be absolutely blown away...and I was.
Pouting so much I'll trip over my bottom lip, jealousy is a bitch.
Am proud to see an Aussie producing world class work....Congratulations on all you've achieved.
First, I don't participate in interactives and having read your above list can see that it is probably best that I don't
I'm not the best person to review items because I'm a story person. Grammar, puntuation and typo's are secondary to the story. The better the story, the less aware I am of the other components.
I either like stuff or I don't and if I don't I'm a pissant and don't review it.
You allowed your personality to come through. That makes the points listed easier to accept and appreciate more than an impersonal lecture.
Although I don't read or participate (resisting using the word 'do') interactives, I still understood the issues you raised and how they would impact.
The reason you didn't get a 5 is because, although I enjoyed the personality reflected, your tone was at times impatient. As someone who is guilty of some of the points raised, I deducted half a point to represent my dropped bottom lip and my raised finger....lol
Title is appropriate
Rhyme is excellent
Rhythm is good
Story telling is excellent
emotive and expressive
Now the technicalities are out of the wa,y may I commend you on this piece. In my poems I talk of the sacrifices made by military personnel and it is not just the sacrifice of life, it is the sacrifice of the people they were. They become a totally different person. One for whom survival becomes a life time struggle, even more so when they return home to live with family and friends who have no comprehension of the extra baggage, nightmares, and as you so aptly said, the hauntings. A marine told me that there is no such thing as an ex marine - once a soldier always a soldier, no matter how much you deny or fight it. Why? Because the fighting doesn't stop on the battlefield, it lives inside for ever. Thank you for an insightful view of the realities of war.
Your writing is so individual, and it captures the reader, taking them deeper than poets such a myself.
I believe that you will soon gather a following and no doubt a future poetry book is probable, because all of your poems are the sort that can be read over and over again and feed the emotions.
Is brea liom
The feeling of the morning,
Mourning something unaware,
Something that was here and haunted, and is probably not gone,
I physically shivered when I read this.
So stop reading head swelling reviews and get back to writing lol
Unusual
favourite line - As our life is never less than turbulent.
Imagery is okay
Overall: The words are there, but don't evoke in me the emotion you are obviously feeling. My inability to 'feel' the emotion is due to my own interpretations and expectations in regard to the subject matter and is a personal view only.
Personal observation: Been there and suffered that, so can emotionally relate to your words.
The first is more a letter format, the second more poetic prose. Putting them together I feel it would be best if they were both in the same style.
There is dark imagery. The pain and hurt come through (the two being seperate feelings). The abuse is weighted with the betrayal.
The characterisations are effective in that they give the two pieces a bleak reality.
You have captured the very essence of the effect of the destruction of innocence with:
but I am not myself
I'm just a bystander; a stranger passing by
That just so happened to witness the show
Your words, although surrendering, are of someone who feels lost.
Spending life as a stranger, disassociated with partners, feeling unnecessary guilt , seeking to be unattractive to protect what little is left.
You have much to give to the writing community and you owe it to yourself to use this format to gain perspective. In writing.com you will find you are never alone, you can achieve and you will be rewarded. This will give you strength to free yourself and become the person you were meant to be.
Very good.
Rhythm was excellent and the story flowed.
With rhyming poetry it is often the case that people will pick a word that rhymes but is not always appropriate - you haven't done that. The rhyming was very good, with effective words.
My favourite part:
It could not be, She would not see,
The person I became.
We'd fight and fight, though neither right,
And suffered through the pain.
Your characters are real.
The story is compelling and the writing very good.
My interest in the subject matter may be placing bias in my review.
Suggestions: Break the long paragraphs up with some description of the speakers actions. ie "I wouldn't reject this at all." There was genuine concern in his tone "You will grow spiritually..." it allows the reader to pause and also adds dimension to the faceless characters.
With your permission I would like to copy this to my favourite authors file.
This has both good imagery and emotion.
The suggestions I have made are nearly all about using comma's and fullstops. It slows the reading down
making the poem more dramatic. After each full stop a reader takes a breath allowing them time to absorb the words and empathise with your emotions.
These are not criticisms - far from it, merely suggestions. Read the poem aloud, slowly, emphasising the pain, betrayal and in the end the sense of loss, because all those emotions are there. They just don't resonate as strongly when read without pause.
Night washes over the land
[And] blood drips from my hand[ ] suggest 'as' and full stop
Broken dreams lay at my feet[ ] suggest comma
My eyes burn[ ] with angry heat [ ] suggest comma and full stop
Today I lost my love[ ] suggest comma
No longer am I a dove[ ] suggest full stop
His hateful betrayal
Has left me weak[ ] and pale[ ] suggest comma
[ ] With this blade of steel[ ] suggest 'as' or 'because'
He I did kill [ ] suggest full stop.
[I] pray to my father suggest 'I'd' or 'I would'
Yet, why even bother?
The deed has been done[ ] suggest comma
I have lost[ ] not won[ ] suggest comma and full stop
You say this is not the best. The best is only your measure. Some poems that history has left us are considered great, but if they don't resonate with the reader, they have no appeal, no value and aren't all that great after all.
The above poem has it's own story, but one that many readers will relate too. I personally thought it a great poem. Never sell yourself short.
If you writing says what you want it to say and resonates with others then it doesn't matter about good, better, best.
Poetry is the sharing of actions, feelings and our view of life. From it, some empathise having had the same experience. For others it opens them up to experiences they have never had.
Your poetry is a door through which others can enter during there lifes travel. How they feel abot that brief visit is up to them, but they should always be grateful that you let them in.
Firstly, my commiserations on your loss, but my congratulations on raising a son who in these troubled times had respect and values.
I know many people do not use punctuation, but to give your dedication the best presentation for a reader, I believe it would help.
There are a couple of lines that I would normally make suggestions on. However, as one who has written poems about those who, like your son, make the ultimate sacrifice, I am loath to tell you how to express your feelings.
Death of a child (regardless of age) underscores our mortality because there is the parents unwritten belief that they should die before their children. For it to be the other way is wrong. Hence your lines " For now, I will repeat this pathetic dance My own two step with death awaits me" seems so pertinent and expresses so clearly and so painfully, the affect the loss has had on the way you view your own life.
Remember something for me son
You're my hero now
He does not have to remember it for you - because you will never forget
And if he didn't know before I know he does now.
Your points are returned to you - for the honour has been mine.
Please read #1663100 Rememberance #1663101 In Memorium and #1662802 The Anzac Spirit although these are about Australian and New Zealand soldiers.
I am sure everyone who reads this will be touched by the sad truth of the story.
It has an adaptive rythym in that the flow of the telling is controlled by the reader and their emotions.
It was poignant with both sadness and gentle rebuke
I liked Do you ever try to listen,
to a voice unheard,
until it's missing?
This applies to those who have moved out of our lives, in numerous ways and so find understanding with all who read this.
I love the drama and the imagery of the first lines. My favourite line is '...while daring to breath....' that encompases so much in terms of the degree of fear.
The staggered list draws the eye and is therefore an effective emphasis tool.
Look forward to reading more of your work
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