Hello, again! Your name looked familiar, so I assumed that I had reviewed you before. I looked through my recent reviews and sure enough! I reviewed "Starlit Scars" a while ago. Lost of promise as I recall, so I'm back!
Things I Like:
I like the general idea here. Dusk is such an odd time of day when things don't look quite right. I wanted to give it a read based on the title.
The flow is pretty good for the most part. I like lots of your word choice in this piece as well. I always appreciate strong words-- ridden, blanket, flutters, dwindle, paves. They all have a very distinct feel to them.
Observations & Suggestions:
The first stanza makes sense and is cohesive on its own. I might cut "those" from the last line, as 1. there have been no people or eyes prior to this (grammatically, "those" refers to something that the reader is aware of) and 2. it flows better without it for me.
The second stanza is much rougher. First of all, the song came out of nowhere and has nothing to do with the first stanza at all. I like the lines for the most part, but they seem out of place. The petals also came out of nowhere, and how does the music "let the petals dwindle"? Unless these are 'petals of music' (weird) then this is a separate thought that doesn't have any real connection to the music that flutters and echoes.
There are also two lines here that seem to have words tacked on the end... to the detriment of the line:
"And echoes in the distance away
Letting the petals dwindle in"
The 'distance away'? That is super awkward. There is no other word for it. That word throws off the flow and does not work in general. It rhymes, but that is all it has going for it.
"petals dwindle in" has the same type of issue. The "in" confused me when I first read it because it just seemed like a strange line break. After reading the next line, it makes even less sense.
"petals dwindle in / moonlight paves"? I thought, okay... they dwindle in the moonlight... but 'moonlight paves' makes that completely awkward as well. This is where punctuation would be hugely helpful. I don't know what you're trying to say here, which makes it harder to suggest something.
Maybe you just mean "dwindles inward"? If so, that is just as awkward really. Dwindle implies getting smaller... shrinking. Given that these are petals at dusk, that would be the buds closing. We don't need the "in" for anything but the rhyme. I would strongly consider revising and finding a better way to keep your rhyme scheme than ending with "away" and "in".
The final line is pretty too, but it doesn't make much sense. Moonlight paves what throughout the day? It doesn't pave petals or echoes or wind or songs-- at least not in a way that makes sense to me. And those are the only things in the stanza that it could be talking about. Also, does moonlight really do anything at all throughout the day? No... it's on the other side of the planet. So in general, I like the sound of the line, but the meaning just... isn't there.
Overall, I really do think that you have an amazing way with words. You can turn a phrase that is very beautiful. That is evident in this poem as well as the other poem that I read. The rhymes in that last stanza or some of the more forced that I've seen, so perhaps the heavy abab cdcd rhyme scheme isn't your best option. Something to think about anyway. I would be interested to see what you would do with unrhymed free verse. Without the need to use end rhymes or make the line structure fit those rhymes, I bet that you could write something stunning. Anyway, this poem can be excellent with a little TLC to make it cohesive and clarify your meanings. It is always worth the effort for a poem that has beautiful word choice, as this one definitely does.
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