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146 Public Reviews Given
165 Total Reviews Given
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51
51
Review of The Piano  
Review by tuesday
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Pathart,

I loved your story. It is intelligent and entertaining and contains a brilliant twist at the end. Fantastic job! I love humor and you have a great sense of it. The build to the climax kept me interested throughout the entire story.

The characters are drawn well, they are believable and likeable. They are so well drawn that they feel like people I know. I relly liked the way you handled Bill, so often this type of character can be flat, but you managed to convey a wonderful sense of his humanity, warmth, and compassion. I felt his love for June even through his gruff exterior.

The language seems appropriate to the characters, however, the term 'bloody' appeared a bit too frequently.

The simple sentence structure supported the story and characters well. I noticed a several incomplete sentences but they did not take away from my reading pleasure. I found some of the coloquial references difficult, but again not so much that they distracted or took away from the pleasure of the story. In fact, I think they help to lend an air of reality to the story.

I am left wondering if Bill got his knee surgery; I hope so!

You may want to revise the spacing of the paragraphs to aid the reading process.

Excellent job of writing-I hope lots of people read this story!

Regards,
Tuesday
52
52
Review of Just Dreams  
Review by tuesday
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Rebecca,

I read your poem and enjoyed it. I like the imagery and gentle dream like tone you create with soft words like: slow, low, peaceful, sky, and sun.

The gentle flow of the poem is interuped in places by awkward wording. "it going right for me"-the verb seems to be missing from this phrase-is, was, will be?

"the trees will not waver/no rain falls from the sky/not hearing a crack of thunder" The rules of parallelism may make this passage more effective. When the patterns of speech repeat, they become soothing-when they continuously shift they become choppy and irratic-not dreamlike. Consider revising this passage to make the three lines similar.

You can try to carry the negation through all three lines in the same way and match the word order:
no trees waver/no rain falls/ no thunder cracks- (negation, subject, verb). Parallelism can create a melodic tempo all its own.

Also consider adding some punctuation. The poem is ambiguous in places-Am I to wonder why the the trees don't move, the rain doesn't fall, and the thunder doesn't sound or why the sun is always present?

Thank you for sharing your poem! I look forward to seeing more of your poetry.
Tuesday
53
53
Review by tuesday
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Joshua,

I enjoyed reading your comments and agree with you about what is worth writing. I might go one step farther and say that what is worth writing is also worth reading!

It is nice to occaisionally see a few words of encouragement, as you provide here. I think encouragement from other writers helps us all to continue writing and posting in spite of our own fears and doubts.

You make a valuable and appreciated contribution to the site with this article. Keep up the 'good' work.

Tuesday
54
54
Review by tuesday
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello J. Loudermilk,

I enjoyed reading your story and I love your sense of humor. The story is well written and I found no gramatical errors.

I especially like the movement of the story-from reality to fantasy and then an all important return to reality that carrys a bit of the fantasy along with it. Nice touch!

I connected with the main character and his frustration with others. I imagine this is a fairly universal experience. I appreciated that the secret place could only be found when sought after-it provides a simplistic statement-so simplistic that perhaps it is often overlooked-that one can find the answers to there question, merely by looking for it.

I thought your use of nature added dramatically to this message. I liked that the natural elements did not provide the answer but became a sort of mirror to reflect the truth/reality and that this truth was something that the man could own or take with him.

You have relayed a powerful message quite eloquently with a touch of humor and sensitivity. Well done.

Regards,
Tuesday
55
55
Review of Domestic Animals  
Review by tuesday
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Pseudo-Intellectual Pseudonym,

I absolutely love your story! It is a Kafkaesque look at domesticity. I love the insinuations-man's conciet in domesticating the wild-his expectations of the extent of that adaptation (why does the cat retain its wild instinct) and how that reflects on man's own domestication. The end of this story is brilliant! The insinuation of a new life into this untamed atmosphere is shocking and real.

The story is awkward at moments and contains a few gramatical mistakes, which can be easily fixed. I hope you will continue to work with and develop this story. It is simply too good to let go. You have a wonderfully creative mind-I could never even think of something like this! I envy you!

A few things I noticed:
"Suddenly, there was a sharp clatter, which made her spill coffee and vodka over the surface."
I am wondering-the surface of what?

"The cat shot past her, the flap still crackling." I don't understand; 'the flap' referrs to what? Do cats have flaps that crackle?

"Mud, feathers and blood" Use a comma to separate three or more words, phrases, or clauses in a series. The comma is missing after 'feathers'.

"Her husband growled and, heart beating frantically, ear pressed against the kitchen door, she realised that she should have disposed of the blackbird this time, but remained in the sanctuary of her kitchen while the terrible noises worsened in the background." This sentence contains awkward phrasing. "Her husband growled and" the conjunction links the husband to the beating heart and listening at the door, but it seems that the woman is nervous and listening at the door. Consider rephrasing to clarify.

"Between the half dead bird and those f***ing shrieks, your screams, work, the sound of the television, the rain, everything, I saw red, and at that moment I booted him." Two things; one, insert the word 'and' at the end of this series: the rain, and everthing (else)...; two, the word between restricts you to listing two items-between one or the other, among is more correct but may sound stilted in this instance;consider rephrasing.

This is a good list-it works to hold the reader in the tension of the moment. Consider working with it a little bit to develop that tension. Look at the order of the items-can you arrange the items into some suggestive order? Perhaps, an order that mimics the movement of the story? Perhaps a shift from the extranious, work, traffic, and rain toward the more immediate-the cat, the screaming bird, and finally ending on the horror of the wife? What do you think. I love the potential you have created with this simple list!

Keep writing-I look forward to seeing this story in print!
Tuesday
56
56
Review of A Strange Day.  
Review by tuesday
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
thebrunette,
I enjoyed your story "A Strange Day". The main character is well drawn; I know her by her actions and her reactions. You've done a good job of letting the character tell the story and the first person narrative allows the reader see what she is thinking and feeling.

The setting you've chosen for this story also works well; the home and neighborhood help to establish the routine, supported by the weekly coffee sessions, the mundane existence in daily ritual.

The tension you created by placing a dramatic event in a quiet, idylic neighborhood is excellnt.

You have a great hook at the end of the story! Will Megan follow through? Will her scheme work? You seem to have a knack for creating suspence. Great job!

I noticed only a few technical errors.
"Such a strange world we live in, where we are too afraid to let our children out of our sight." Punctuation--Do not set off a subordinate clause with a comma.

"When I was little we could play in the street with no problems at all, the worst thing that would happen to you was you could fall over and scrape your knee."
Continuity-the sentence begins with your experience, 'when I was a child' and ends with a statement of universal experience, 'you could fall'. Be careful when using the pronoun 'you'. It seems, as a reader, the author may be projecting knowledge of my experience when he or she, in fact, cannot have knowledge of it. Consider that this may have a negative affect on the writers credability.

"Emily and I chatted about inconsequential things… the price of gas these days, school uniforms and the upcoming dance in the town hall."
Punctuation--use commas to separate three or more words, phrases, or clauses in a series. Add a comma after 'uniforms'.

Check the spacing between words and sentences,in the final paragraph the words 'eachother' are run together.

This is a great story.

Tuesday
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